Who doesn’t love a pudgy middle-aged bloke withjowls, man boobs and pimples on his arse deciding to become a better lover for his wife of twenty years? And who doesn’t love him even more for letting us see what is going on under the quilt by making a documentary about it?
Forty years old, three kids and a sexually unfulfilled wife. He had me at ‘My name is Greg Lawrence and I’m lousy in bed.’ Now that’s almost as sexy as ‘I’ve cooked dinner, cleaned the pantry and put the kids to bed.’
Tiny segue here. I’ve always believed there’s nothing funnier than a funny Englishman. One of the English lad-mags recently held a survey and found English blokes would rather be thought of as a bad root than not funny. Anyway, on withthe show.
Greg Lawrence isn’t English, but he is a dud root. And funny, sweet, warm and trying his heart out. ‘Stop making the cup as you walk towards me like you are going to grab me by the vagina. Farting and scratching your butt is not foreplay. I’m not just a vessel to put your pecker in.’ That’s Kathy, his wife, with… I’m not sure whether you’d call it tips, feedback or a review.
Greg’s visit to the sex therapist is confronting, hilarious and illuminating in equal proportions. His chat withsome women in a bar unearths the revelation that ‘You can’t just slap her arse, put your hand up her top and expect her to be in the moment.’
He shows another group of women a line-up of six penises (retrospectively labelled the Index Finger, Doable, Greg, Petit Chapeau, the Curve and the Missile) and asks them to examine, discuss and rank. Greg’s wang is described by one of the experts as ‘a little overwhelming,’ then by another as having ‘that just-get-the-job-done look about it. It’s a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am.’
Greg buys some accoutrements to make his love-stick firmer, girthier and juicier, and a penis sock witheight centimetres of extra lengthon the end because, apparently, ‘You can’t have too much cock.’
Toys, positions, techniques. This show is not about porn sex or romance sex but the warmthand reality that is sex in a long-term relationship. It’s sweet and funny and there is far more heart than sex in it.
So many favourite bits – the guy withmore than a passing resemblance to Ned Flanders instructing Greg on ‘anal locks and genital squeezing to activate the passion pump, microcosmic orbit and sexual-fire breath.’
Questions such as, ‘Would you say I was clumsy withyour vagina?’ and ‘Is there any such thing as a non-incredible blow job?’
Women are in agreement: vacuuming a vagina is bad but humming a vagina is good.
And here’s a tip: ‘When you’re performing oral sex on a woman one of the things you can do is spell out the letters of the alphabet withyour tongue.’
The things you learn on the ABC.