Piper’s father, Seamus, glared at her. ‘Where have you been?’
‘Luke’s.’
‘Who’s Luke?’
‘My boyfriend.’
Seamus’s eyebrows flew up. ‘What in the name of God? Boyfriend? You’re only twelve.’
Piper grinned. ‘I’m eighteen.’
‘When did that happen?’
‘Over the past six years.’
‘What age is Luke?’
‘Forty-three.’
‘WHAT?’
Piper laughed. ‘I’m kidding. He’s just turned eighteen.’
‘Is he a nice lad?’
‘Very.’
‘How long have you been together?’
‘Five months.’
‘Does he know how lucky he is to be going out with the only sensible daughter I have?’
‘I think so.’
‘Good. Well, thank God you’re home.’
‘What’s up?’
‘Your sister has locked herself in the bathroom.’
‘Which one?’
‘How the hell should I know? Poppy or Penny.’
‘Why did she lock herself in?’
‘Because the other twin wore her top and then she pulled it off her in front of someone and she was “mortified” so she took scissors to the top and cut the sleeve off and now the other one has threatened to kill her.’
‘I bet it was Penny. Poppy probably borrowed her new Superdry top.’
‘Now that you mention it, there was screaming about Superdry.’
‘Where’s Mum?’ Piper asked.
Her dad frowned. ‘Olivia is at one of her lectures. I’m all for your mother having her own life, but she’s never home.’
Last year, the day Posy had gone into senior school, their mother had decided to do something for herself. She’d signed up for a course in equality and human rights.
They could hear screaming from upstairs. ‘Come out of there or I’ll kick this door down,’ Penny shrieked.
‘Help! She’s a lunatic! Help!’ Poppy shouted.
‘Hello! Can someone please tell them to shut up? I’m trying to study here,’ Pauline roared. ‘Someone in this house actually cares about more than stupid clothes.’
‘Shut up, Pauline. You’re a bore who’s going to die alone because all you do is study,’ Penny yelled.
‘At least I’m not one half of ridiculous twins who can barely spell and will end up stacking shelves in Tesco because no one else will hire them.’
‘Oh, yeah? Well, I’d rather work in Tesco than be a nerdy, weirdo scientist freak,’ Penny retorted.
‘I’m studying medicine, not science, you moron.’
‘Same difference. You’ll end up with big glasses and a white coat, living on your own with cats.’
Seamus sighed. ‘I can’t handle them. They’re like wild animals. I’ve an article to write. I’m off to the shed.’
Of course you are, Piper thought. It’s your hideout. She wished she had a shed. There was nowhere to get any peace in this house.
As her dad scurried off to the shed to compose his piece for the newspaper, Piper went to see if there was anything for dinner. She opened the fridge. Empty. Damn. There was a note, though, sitting on the empty middle shelf – It starts when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in his sink!
Piper sighed. She missed her mother, the one who used to be waiting for them when they got home from school, with scones in the oven and hot chocolate on the hob. Now it was all about lectures and essays, study groups and equality. Piper was fine about equality. Yes, men and women were equal and should be treated that way. But her dad had always treated her mother as an equal. He discussed everything with her, shared everything he had with her and always told her she was great. Besides, her mother had chosen to give up her job in the bank to have five kids, so why was she behaving now as if her husband had chained her to the kitchen sink?
Maybe he had taken Mum’s cooking for granted and the fact that she ran the house and did most of the childcare, but he was working to support them. Wasn’t that the deal? Her friend Vanessa’s mum was a lawyer and Vanessa’s dad stayed at home and did the cooking and childminding. Maybe it was best if you both worked. Maybe then everyone was happy. But Frannie’s parents both worked and they always seemed to be in a bad mood. Piper didn’t know what the answer was, but she wished her mum would stop writing silly notes and start cooking again.
Crash … bang …
Piper closed the fridge and ran upstairs. It sounded as if Penny had kicked in the bathroom door.
‘Aaaaargh!’ Penny screamed.
‘What the hell?’ Piper found Penny with her foot stuck in the door. ‘Are you insane?’ she shouted at her sister. ‘You’ve made a hole in the door. Dad’s going to go mad.’
‘I don’t care. I want to kill her.’
Piper pulled her sister’s foot out. She had a cut down one side, which was bleeding slightly.
‘You see what you’ve done, you stupid cow? You’ve scarred me for life,’ Penny shouted through the hole at her twin.
‘Is it bad?’ Poppy asked, peeping out from the other side of the hole.
‘Look.’ Penny showed her. ‘Actual blood.’
‘Does she need stitches?’ Poppy seemed worried.
Piper wiped the blood away with a tissue. ‘No. It’s just a small cut.’
‘Small but deep. I’ll have a scar for life,’ Penny wailed.
‘Scars can be cool,’ Poppy said.
‘No, they can not.’ Piper was annoyed. The twins were maddening.
‘Let’s Google maddest scars ever,’ Poppy suggested.
‘Cool.’ Penny struggled to her feet. ‘I need help walking.’
‘Hang on.’ Poppy unlocked the bathroom door and went to help her twin hop back to their bedroom.
Behind them lay the top with no sleeves and splinters of wood from the bathroom door.
‘I’ll just clean up, then, shall I?’ Piper snapped.
The twins turned. ‘Well, I’m injured,’ Penny said.
‘And I’m nursing her,’ Poppy added.
A bedroom door swung open. A red-faced Pauline stormed out. ‘That’s it! I’ve had it with this family. I cannot stay here another minute. I’m going to the library.’
‘Your favourite place.’ The twins giggled. ‘Where all your friends hang out.’
‘At least I have a brain. You clearly only got half of one each, which is why you’re so inane.’
‘We’re not insane,’ Poppy said.
‘Inane, you idiot! In-ane.’
‘Pauline, you need to lie down. You’re not making any sense. Maybe your brain exploded from too much studying,’ Penny said, and the twins fell about laughing.
‘Boom!’ Poppy cackled.
Pauline held her laptop to her chest. ‘Why was I born into this ridiculous family? There must have been a mix-up at the hospital.’
While Pauline stormed off to the college library and the twins looked up scars on the internet, Piper got out the Hoover and cleared up the mess. As she was putting the Hoover away, Posy came home and flung down her schoolbag.
‘Bad day?’
‘I got a detention.’
‘Why?’
‘Mrs Pender said I was far more interested in putting on lip-gloss than reading Shakespeare, and I said she was right because lip-gloss is way more interesting than boring old Shakespeare and stupid Romeo and Juliet and their lame relationship – and that Juliet was a really bad role model for women because no self-respecting feminist would kill herself over a guy.’
Piper groaned. ‘Why did you say that? You know you’re not supposed to answer back. It’s always going to get you into trouble.’
‘Mum agrees. She thinks it’s a dumb play too. She said we should be studying Gloria Steinem and Simone de Beauvoir.’
Why did their mother have to fill Posy’s twelve-year-old head with all of her college stuff? She was too young and it was getting her into trouble. Piper was going to have to talk to her mother when she got home.
‘Look, Posy, if you want to make your life easy in school, just follow the curriculum and say nothing. You can read what you want in your spare time.’
Posy plonked herself down at the kitchen table. ‘Fine. I’m starving. What’s for dinner?’
Before Piper could tell her there was nothing, the back door opened and their father walked in.
‘Hello, Poppy.’
‘It’s Posy.’
‘Right, what’s for dinner?’
Why did everyone ask Piper? Why did everyone assume she was the one in charge when their mother was out? ‘I don’t know. There’s nothing in the fridge except a quote.’
Seamus opened the fridge and slammed it shut. ‘Apparently your mother thinks we can live on notes and quotes. I’ll nip down to the shops and pick something up. You can come with me.’ He pointed to Posy.
‘Not until you say my name and date of birth.’
Seamus narrowed his eyes. ‘Posy Barbara, born October 2003 in the middle of the rugby world cup, which was very inconvenient. You’re the cheeky, lippy one. The youngest. The one who gets into trouble in school. Mind you, the twins do a fair bit of that too. You have your mother’s hair, my eyes and your grandmother Doran’s determination. God help us all.’
Posy smiled. ‘Okay, I’ll come.’
While they went to buy food, Piper tidied up the kitchen. As she was emptying the dishwasher, her mother sailed in, carrying a large pile of books.
‘Hello, Piper, how was school?’
‘Fine, but there’s been a lot of drama here. The twins have kicked a huge hole in the bathroom door.’ Piper scowled.
Her mother plonked the books on the kitchen table. She pushed her fringe off her face and waved her hand. ‘It’s just a door. There are real problems in the world,’ she said, shaking a leaflet at Piper. ‘Did you know that up to a hundred and forty million women and girls are thought to be living with the consequences of female genital mutilation? In Somalia, ninety-eight per cent of young girls are cut. Can you imagine?’
Piper knew she should feel desperately sorry for the girls who were suffering in Somalia, but right now she just wanted her mother to cook a bloody meal.
The twins bounded into the kitchen.
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘Hi, girls. Here, read this.’ Olivia handed her daughters a piece of paper. ‘I want you all to be aware of how lucky you are.’
‘Uhm, what is it?’ Penny asked.
‘Female genital mutilation,’ her mother replied.
‘Yeah, I can read but, like, what does it mean?’
‘It’s when young girls have their clitoris cut in order to curb their sexual desire and preserve their “honour” before marriage.’
The twins squealed. ‘OMG, did you just say “clitoris”?’ Poppy was horrified.
‘Yes. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,’ Olivia said calmly.
‘It’s mortifying,’ Penny said. ‘You have officially gone mad. Please do not ever say that word again.’
‘These poor girls are being mutilated because –’
‘Stop,’ Poppy said, putting her hands over her ears.
‘You need to be aware of what’s going on in the world.’
Penny shook her head. ‘We’re fifteen! We do not need to know about that. You’re supposed to protect us, not shove all this crazy stuff in our faces.’
Piper silently cheered her sisters on.
‘You can’t live in a bubble. I want my girls to be strong, independent women, who help other women.’
‘Can you please go back to being a normal mum?’ Poppy begged. ‘I much preferred you when you were cooking and ironing and watching I’m a Celebrity with us. You’re so boring now.’
‘I’m trying to teach you to be strong, independent women,’ Olivia persisted.
‘Stop banging on about it. Go and save the girls with the cut fannies and leave us alone,’ Penny snapped.
Piper felt exactly the same but would never have had the guts to say it to her mother’s face.
Olivia sat down at the table. ‘I’m disappointed in you, girls. I thought that as young women growing up in a safe, peaceful Western society you would reach out to your fellow women and support them –’
Seamus and Posy came through the back door. ‘Chipper chips for tea,’ Seamus called out.
The twins ran over to grab the food.
‘Thank God you’re back, Dad. Mum’s been going on about girls having their vaginas cut,’ Poppy said.
Seamus dropped his bag of chips. ‘What in the name of Jesus?’
‘Aaaaah! Don’t say the V-word! It’s so embarrassing.’ Posy blushed bright red.
Olivia picked up her husband’s chips and popped one into her mouth. ‘I’m just telling them what I learnt about in college today.’
‘For the love of God, Olivia, stick to equal pay and subsidized childcare and leave off the genital mutilation.’
The girls clapped. ‘Yes, listen to Dad.’
‘I’m just interested in my subjects, that’s all.’
‘I know, love, but seriously?’
Olivia shrugged. ‘It’s happening out there. We can’t ignore it.’
Piper felt a bit sorry for her mother. She was enjoying this new chapter in her life after all of the years she had devoted to raising her kids. Some of what she told them about her college course was interesting, but sometimes it was a bit too much – like today.
Olivia stood up. ‘I’m a bit sticky from cycling home. I think I’ll have a quick shower.’
‘FYI, Mum, when you take those clothes off, put them in the bin. You’re too old for jeans,’ Penny said, stuffing chips into her mouth.
‘What’s wrong with my jeans?’ Olivia looked down at herself.
‘Your legs are too short,’ Poppy told her.
‘Are they?’
‘The jeans are way too tight. They look ridiculous,’ Penny said.
‘Oh.’ Olivia’s face fell.
Piper didn’t like to agree, but the twins were right. Her mother did look weird. She’d bought skinny jeans to ‘blend in’ with the other students, but she just looked like an older woman trying too hard. ‘Your legs are fine, but your normal clothes suit you better,’ she said.
‘I feel so old in skirts and black trousers with all the students around me wearing jeans,’ Olivia said.
‘You are old,’ Poppy reminded her.
‘You’re nearly fifty. You’re not fooling anyone by wearing jeans,’ Penny added.
‘Your other clothes are just more flattering,’ Seamus said.
Olivia tugged at her jeans. ‘Okay. Well, thanks for telling me. I think.’
While Olivia went to have a shower and throw out her jeans, the twins breathlessly filled in their father on why they thought Zayn soooo hot.