When her mother had left to go home for a few hours, Jess lay in her bed feeling a strange mix of emotions. She couldn’t quite believe she had agreed. She’d felt there was a chance she would, but seeing Mum’s face when she’d asked her had made her think that the chance was very small. But whatever had happened in her mind overnight, she had seen in her face that morning that she was now convinced by what Jess had said, that she would do it.
For Jess, it was a relief, but it was bittersweet at the same time. She wanted to go, and she didn’t want to go. If she could live, she’d grab life with both hands and live for all she was worth. But she had accepted that death was now a fact, and she knew in her bones that this was the best way to handle it.
She asked Aideen to let Dr Kennedy know that she had made her decision, and after morning rounds, he came to see her.
‘How are we this morning, Jess?’
‘I’m good, thanks.’
‘So you’ve discussed things with your parents and thought things over?’
Jess nodded. ‘I don’t want any more treatment. I can’t take any more. I’d like to go home now and let whatever happens happen.’
Dr Kennedy nodded sadly at her. ‘For what it’s worth, I think you’re right.’ He smiled. ‘You’ve got a very wise head on those young shoulders.’
‘It’s for the best all round,’ Jess said.
‘Jess … I’m so very sorry.’ The poor man looked like he might cry, which was very unlike him. It made Jess feel a bit uncomfortable. ‘I wish the treatment had been more successful.’
She felt for him. It must be awful to do a job where you had to watch people die all the time. Timidly, she reached out and touched his hand. ‘Thank you for trying so hard,’ she said. ‘It’s no one’s fault. I’ve accepted that this is just the fate I’ve been dealt.’
He bent his head for a moment, then raised it again and smiled. ‘That’s the way it seems to work, unfortunately.’ He stood up. ‘I’ll talk to Aideen and your parents, and we’ll sort out palliative care for you at home. They’ll make sure you’re comfortable and pain-free at all times.’
‘That’s perfect. Thank you so much.’
Dr Kennedy left, and she lay back, staring up at the ceiling. Jess smiled. She was so happy to be going home. Her heart lifted at the thought that she’d be leaving this hospital never to return. Jess knew she’d made the right decision. It felt so right, and she loved her mother so much for helping her.
‘Hello, beautiful.’ Dad walked in, carrying a tall sunflower in a vase. ‘Something to cheer up the room,’ he said.
‘Wow, that’s gorgeous,’ Jess said. ‘It’s huge. Aideen’s going to kill you for bringing that in.’
Nick looked guiltily at her. ‘Oh, crap, are flowers not allowed?’
Jess took a fit of laughing. ‘You’re actually scared of Aideen, aren’t you?’ she wheezed.
Nick grinned. ‘Yes, and man enough to admit it too.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll tell her you’ll take it home with you. You can share it with Jenny and Jaden.’
‘Thanks,’ Nick said, smiling. ‘Was that Dr Kennedy I saw rushing down the corridor?’
Jess’s heart sank at the sight of his hopeful face. ‘Yes, it was. We were just confirming things.’
Nick sat down quickly on the edge of her bed. ‘And what did you confirm?’ he asked eagerly.
‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ Jess said. ‘I know you want me to do it but I’m not doing the treatment. I’m going home.’
He stared at her for a long minute, then turned away. He bent over and Jess watched in shock as her father’s body heaved with sobs. She had no idea what to do. She’d expected him to shout at her or punch the wall, but not this, not crumble in front of her. She reached out and patted his back gently, feeling awful that she had done this to him.
Nick cried and cried, shaking with grief. After some minutes the tears began to subside.
‘I think you’re wrong,’ he said, when he could speak again. ‘You’re giving up too soon. We’re fighters not quitters.’
‘I’m sorry, Dad, but I just can’t do it any more. I’m ready to go home. It’s over, Dad.’
‘Please, Jess.’ His face was wretched. ‘Just one more try.’
Jess wanted to scream at him to stop harassing her, but she held it together. She shook her head. ‘No, Dad. I’m done.’
He began to cry again. ‘I don’t want you to die,’ he sobbed.
She put her arm around him. ‘Dad, I know that. And I don’t want to die either. But we can’t change what’s inside me. The cancer is in there. At some point, we have to accept that.’
He looked up sharply at her and rubbed his eyes hard. ‘And if your mother was standing here pleading with you to keep trying, would you say no to her?’
Jess was taken aback. ‘I would say to her exactly what I’m saying to you,’ she said.
‘No. Kate has the power to make you change your mind. I know she does. If she’d just bloody well listen to me, I know she could persuade you.’
‘No, Dad, she couldn’t. No one can change my mind. Mum respects my decision. She’d love to change my mind, but she accepts she can’t. She listens to me.’
Nick turned his body so that he was looking directly at her. His eyes narrowed as he watched her carefully. ‘Your mother had better not be letting you make any foolish decisions, Jess. I want you here as long as possible. Every second with you counts. Do you understand? Every single second. Is precious.’ He began to cry again.
Jess felt worried now. Her dad would go mad if he found out what Mum had agreed to do. What if he made trouble for her afterwards? What if he told Dr Kennedy? Or the police? She hadn’t thought about that. She’d been so focused on persuading Mum to help her die that she hadn’t thought about Dad causing trouble if he found out or even suspected. They’d have to be really careful. Jess’s heart was beating wildly as her mind raced through the possibilities of her father’s grief destroying everything. She breathed deeply and willed herself to be calm.
Nick held her gaze. She felt as if he was looking through her and could see all.
She muttered, ‘Yes, Dad, of course, I know that,’ and then, mercifully, his phone beeped. He cursed.
‘Sorry, Jessie, but I have to go to work.’ He looked at her again. ‘Promise me you won’t do anything silly? I want you for as long as I can have you.’ His voice cracked as he leant down to kiss her cheek.
Jess swallowed. ‘Okay, Dad, I love you,’ she said, afraid to say anything else for fear of implicating herself or her mother.
He nodded – exhausted, and his day had barely begun. ‘Take care. I’ll pop in after work, okay?’
‘Bye, Dad.’
Jess breathed a sigh of relief when he left. She went over their conversation in her mind again and again. She was worried now. She’d been so caught up in controlling her end that she hadn’t given a thought to what might come afterwards. She had to make sure that Dad wouldn’t cause any trouble for Mum.
When Aideen came on shift that afternoon, Jess asked her for a pen and paper.