Kate looked down at the pills spread out on her bathroom shelf and counted: twenty-eight Xanax tablets and fourteen Tylex. This was what would kill Jess.
Agreeing to end her child’s life was one thing. Planning it was another. At first, Kate had thought about stealing morphine from one of the palliative-care nurses or doctors who came every day to check Jess’s morphine pump and up the dose as her pain got worse. But she quickly found that they were incredibly careful with their medications and never left any lying around.
They were very kind. They said it was important for Jess to be comfortable, but not knocked out by the morphine so she could still function ‘normally’. Kate loved and hated them coming – loved them because they were so caring, hated them because of what they represented.
She’d thought about asking Dr Willis, their GP, who also called in regularly to see Jess, to get her some morphine. But she didn’t want to implicate him in any wrongdoing. No, Kate was on her own. This was something no one could knowingly help her with, and no one could ever find out about. She had to be careful, really careful, or she’d end up in prison. Then Bobby and Luke would have a dead sister and a convict mother.
So Kate went to plan B: search the internet. She was shocked by what she found. If you wanted to know how to kill yourself or someone else, the internet would provide you with all the information you needed. She had spent hours trawling for ways to overdose. If anyone looked at her Google search history, she’d be locked away on that evidence alone. But she’d covered her steps as best she could, scrubbing out her search history again and again.
She had quickly found everything she needed to know. The information she’d gathered told her it would take a combination of medications to end Jess’s life. She needed benzodiazepines and morphine. Benzos she could get in Xanax, and morphine by taking codeine, in Tylex tablets. It was far simpler than she’d thought it would be. A part of her actually wanted it to be harder, so she could stall and delay it, but the all-knowing internet spewed out everything in a morning.
Kate hated lying, but this was not a ‘normal’ situation and she was no longer afraid of anything. The worst possible thing was already happening to her: her daughter was dying. So she went to Dr Willis and told a few white lies. She said the stress of Jess’s cancer was making her extremely anxious and she needed Xanax. He readily gave her a prescription. Then she said she was also having terrible migraines and needed dissolvable Tylex. She began to cry at this point because part of her wanted him to say no. Then she wouldn’t be able to kill Jess.
But Dr Willis patted her hand sympathetically and said she was under terrible duress and he’d gladly give her Tylex, but that she must be careful not to take the two together. He said he’d pop into the house in a few days’ time to see Jess and check on Kate.
Kate had cried harder then. If only he knew, she’d thought. If only he knew what I plan to do with these tablets. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad mother. I’m a murderer.
Her mind kept flip-flopping crazily from ‘This is right, it will be okay’ to ‘I’m killing my own child. I’m a child-killer. I’m immoral and unnatural.’ She wanted to honour Jess’s final wish, but felt like it might kill her too. She could never be the same after this act, an act of which she’d never have thought herself capable – until her daughter had looked her in the eye and begged her.
Luke was saying goodnight to Jess, not knowing he was saying goodbye. Kate leant her forehead against the cool glass of the bathroom mirror. Give me strength, Mum, she pleaded. Help me.
She stared down at the tablets spread out before her. Jess trusted her. She was waiting. She would be devastated if Kate changed her mind now.
Kate mixed the effervescent Tylex tablets in a glass of apple juice and scooped up the little Xanax tablets in her hand. She went in to Jess. Her eyes were closed. Whiskey, the cat, was tucked under her chin. She looked so peaceful and so young. Kate put the glass and the tablets on the bedside table, then lay beside her daughter and held her one last time.
A montage of memories floated through her mind: Jess’s birth, her first day at school, swimming lessons, roller-skating with her bright pink helmet, smiling with no front teeth, shouting up the chimney on Christmas morning, ‘I love you, Santa’, laughing hysterically when Nick tickled her, hugging Whiskey in bed at night, smiling, happy, alive … so alive.
Kate lay holding her broken, emaciated, bald daughter, the one cancer had ravaged, and she remembered the good times, allowed herself to travel back there and take solace. She thanked God for giving her this incredible child, who had lit up her life every day for twelve years and 306 days.
Jess was a gift, a precious gift, and Kate knew she was lucky to have had her. Jess had been the light of all their lives. Imagining a future without her was unbearable, unthinkable, yet here she was about to help her end it.
Love, Kate realized, was very complicated. She loved Jess so much that she was willing to help her die. True love meant putting your feelings aside. True love meant helping your loved one die with dignity. True love meant sacrificing your wishes for theirs. It hurt like hell, but it was love nonetheless.
Jess stirred and groaned. She opened her eyes. ‘What time is it?’ she asked.
‘Almost one.’
‘I know this is hard for you, Mum, but thank you.’
‘I’m only going to ask you once more. Are you sure?’
Jess nodded. ‘More sure than I’ve ever been. The pain is getting unbearable. Yesterday was amazing, though. I saw everyone I love. It’s the perfect time to go.’
Kate pushed the tears down. There were things she needed to say. She didn’t want to waste the time crying. ‘I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. I can’t believe that Dad and I made someone so perfect.’
Jess smiled. ‘I’m proud to be your daughter. You’re amazing, Mum. Through thick and thin, you’ve always been there for us.’
‘You three kids are my life.’ Kate couldn’t help it, she began to cry.
Jess wiped the tears away with the palm of her hand. ‘Don’t cry, Mum. I’m happy to go now and, besides, Luke’s baby will make it three again.’
‘No one will ever replace you. I love you so much, Jess. From the very first moment they put you in my arms, such a tiny thing, I felt a surge of pure love. It’s never gone away. I adore you. Every last little bit of you. You’re such an amazing person.’
‘I know you love me, Mum. You’re going to be okay – you have so many people who love you and will be there for you. You’re the best mother in the world. I love you. And I’m so sorry it has to be like this. I’m sorry that we have to say goodbye this way.’
Kate pulled her daughter’s fragile body even closer, breathing in her scent, resting her lips against her cheek. ‘Me too. You should have had a better life,’ she whispered. ‘But you must know that every second of the last almost thirteen years has been a privilege and a joy.’ Kate pushed up on her elbow to look into her daughter’s eyes. ‘I will miss you every single day of my life.’
Jess nodded, tears starting to fall down her cheeks. ‘I’m sorry I have to go,’ she whispered back.
Kate pressed her forehead against Jess’s. Around them, the house was silent with sleep. It was dark and warm in there, just the two of them.
‘If I can I’ll try to send you a sign. I told you before, remember?’
‘Yes,’ Kate said. ‘Send me a sign so I know you’re okay.’
‘I’ll send a white butterfly. Larry always said I’d better not die in winter or you’d be waiting a long time to see one.’
‘Say hi to Larry for me, and to your granny. She’ll be there to look after you,’ Kate croaked.
‘I will. Can you open the curtains and the window?’ Jess asked.
Kate did so. It was still dark outside, but in a few hours light would begin to break its way through and another day would begin. Her first without Jess. Kate felt her resolve weaken, and fiercely ordered herself to be strong. All those wakings without Jess, one after another for the rest of her life, were going to be like little deaths every time she opened her eyes. She tried to push the thought away. Not now, she told herself.
From behind her Jess said gently, ‘I’m ready now, Mum.’
Kate turned and picked up the tablets. Jess opened her mouth. Kate’s hand was shaking. Sadness crashed through her, taking her breath away. ‘I can’t do it. I want more time with you,’ she sobbed.
Jess grabbed her arm, and put Kate’s hand up to her mouth. ‘Please, Mum, you have to let me go.’
Kate gulped back tears and looked at Jess’s determined little face, at the morphine drip, at her bald head, at her thin body. She wanted to be selfish, to hold on to Jess for every second she could, but that was what she wanted. It went against Jess’s own wishes. She was going to have to find the purest love inside her and hold on to it to enable herself to do this. She focused on Jess’s face, on Jess’s need, and dissolved her own wishes to nothing. She could do this. She could do it for Jess.
‘Sorry, sweetheart. It’s okay.’
She placed the tablets in Jess’s mouth and helped her swallow them with water. Then she handed her daughter the glass of apple juice containing the Tylex and Jess drank it straight down. No shaking hands, no hesitation.
Jess lay back on her pillow and sighed. Kate groaned and her legs went to jelly and she collapsed beside the bed, her knees sinking to the floor. ‘What have I done?’ she gasped. ‘Oh, Jesus, Jess, what have I done?’
Jess took Kate’s trembling hands in her small, bony ones. ‘Look at me, Mum,’ she ordered.
Kate raised her head and gazed into the beautiful brown eyes.
‘Thank you. Thank you for saving me from any more pain. Thank you for letting me die my way. I’m happy, Mum. I’m ready to go. This is what I want. I love you so much.’
Kate looked deep into her daughter’s eyes and knew she had done the right thing for Jess, but that didn’t take into account how she herself was feeling. It wasn’t simple for her. It was a crushing blow of emotions, all racing around her body making her feel panicked and grief-stricken. She had done the unthinkable – helped her own child to die.
She climbed into the bed, under the covers, and held Jess close. She stroked her cheek, her head, kissed her face over and over again. She told her how much she loved her, she told her how wonderful it felt to be her mother. Kate talked through life and on into death.
For four hours Kate held her precious girl and watched as her breathing got slower and slower. She breathed with her, she breathed for her. This is love, she thought. This is the ultimate act of love: letting someone go.
Never in her wildest dreams when she’d held that bonny, healthy baby girl for the first time almost thirteen years ago could she have imagined that she’d now be holding her as she took her last breath.
Kate keened and moaned, as she rocked Jess in her arms. The room steadily became brighter as the sun slipped above the horizon. Jess’s breathing was very shallow now, more like gasping. She was peaceful, though, not struggling. Then there came a shuddering gasp, and she was still. Kate bent her head and kissed Jess’s eyelids.
With the end of Jess’s breathing, which Kate had been straining to listen to for so many hours, came other sounds she hadn’t noticed before. The birds in the garden had taken up their chorus, which broke into her consciousness now. Morning song. Mourning song. They were singing the new day into being – Kate’s first day without her daughter. It was over. Jess was gone.