Kate woke up with a start. Luke was shaking her.
‘Wake up! Jess isn’t breathing. Jesus, Mum, I think she’s … I think …’ He began to cry.
Kate pulled her arms from around her daughter’s body. Jess lay still, her body still warm but her soul now far away. She wasn’t there any more. The enormity of what she’d done hit Kate and she doubled over in pain.
‘Is she dead, Mum? Is she?’ Luke cried.
Kate nodded.
‘Oh, God, nooooooo …’ Luke covered his face with his hands and wept. ‘Why, Mum? Why did it have to happen? I thought we had more time? Oh, God.’
Kate stroked Jess’s face. What had she done? She’d cut her life short. What mother does that? She heard Jess’s voice in her head: If you love me, you’ll do this. Well, she did love her. She loved her more than anything in the world and she wanted her back. She wanted one more day, one more hour. Oh, Jess … what have I done? Kate began to sob uncontrollably.
Luke came over and put his arms around her. They cried together, each broken-hearted over the loss of their beloved Jess.
George came in and froze when he saw them crying. ‘Oh, sweet Jesus,’ he murmured. He came over to the bed and looked down at Jess. ‘Oh, Jess, poor broken bird.’ He put his arm around Kate. ‘Come here, Katie, it’s okay. At least she’s at peace now. No more pain for the poor pet.’
He turned to hug Luke. ‘She won’t suffer any more, Luke. She was ready to go.’
Luke shook his head. ‘But I’m not ready, Granddad,’ he said, through his tears, and Kate’s heart broke.
George patted him on the back. ‘We’re never ready to let go of the ones we love. There is no right time to say goodbye.’
Kate felt her throat closing. Jess, my beautiful Jess. I want you back, I need you, I can’t believe I did this …
George bent down and forced Kate to look at him. ‘Breathe, Kate. Come on now, look at me. Breathe.’
Bobby stumbled in in his pyjamas. ‘What’s going on? Why is everyone crying? Is Jess sicker?’
Luke went over to his little brother. ‘Bobby, I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but … Jess died last night.’
Bobby frowned. ‘Died? How could she die? She was all happy yesterday and smiling and taking photos and … and alive. I think she’s just sleeping, Luke.’
Kate pulled herself together and gathered Bobby into her arms. ‘She is sleeping, Bobby, but she’s not going to wake up. She’s gone to Heaven now.’
Bobby wriggled away from her. ‘She is not in Heaven cos there is no Heaven,’ he shouted. ‘God is not real. If he was, he wouldn’t have made Jess get stinky cancer and he would never, ever have made her die.’ He kicked the bed violently. ‘Ouch!’ He began to cry.
The four of them stood around the bed, crying, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, George wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and said, ‘Kate, you have to tell Nick.’
Kate’s heart sank. She was dreading it.
‘I’ll do it, if you like,’ George offered.
‘No, it should be me. I’ll ring him now.’
Kate left the room and went down to the kitchen. She also had to phone Dr Willis and ask him to come over to sign the death certificate. There was no way Jess could have a post-mortem. If that happened, they’d find out what Kate had done.
Part of her would have welcomed being found out and sent to prison. She wanted to be punished for what she had done. She wanted to feel physical pain. She wanted someone to punch or hit her. She was a bad person, a bad mother. She had killed her baby. Oh, God …
Stop it, Mum. I wanted to die. Jess’s voice sounded in her ears.
Kate pinched her arm, hard. The pain brought her back to her senses. Her sons needed her. She couldn’t risk a post-mortem. She called Dr Willis.
‘I’m so very sorry, Kate,’ he said. ‘The poor child was very sick. At least she’s out of pain and at peace now. I’ll be right over.’
Kate thanked him. She’d call the palliative-care team a little later. She wanted Dr Willis to get there first. Taking a long, deep breath, she dialled Nick’s number. Her hands shook.
‘Hi.’ He sounded sleepy.
‘Nick, it’s Jess. She’s …’ Kate tried to get the word out ‘… she’s …’ She couldn’t say it. How could she tell him? She knew that his heart would split in two and it would be irrevocable.
‘What?’ Nick sounded alert now. ‘Is she in the hospital?’
‘No, she’s …’
‘Oh, shit, is it another infection?’
‘No, Nick. She’s – she’s dead,’ Kate blurted. ‘She passed away during the night.’
‘What?’ Nick shouted. ‘What did you say?’
Kate began to cry. She’d done it now, she’d told him. His life would never be the same again. None of their lives would ever be the same. It would always be ‘before this moment’ and ‘after this moment’. ‘Before Jess’ and ‘after Jess’. There was no way to fix this or go back and change the outcome. Jess was dead. Gone. Never, ever coming back. They’d never see her smile again, never hear her voice, hold her, kiss her, love her. Kate slid down onto the kitchen floor and sobbed.
‘Nooooooo, Kate, please. No, it can’t be … Oh, Jesus Christ, no.’ Nick broke down. Kate could hear Jenny beside him, asking him what was wrong.
‘I’m sorry,’ Kate said. ‘I’m so sorry.’ And then she hung up.
Dr Willis gently examined Jess’s body. He listened for heart sounds, then for breathing sounds in the lungs and then checked Jess’s pupils with a torch. Kate saw him give Jess’s hand a little squeeze and heard him mutter, ‘May you rest in peace, sweet girl.’
Turning to Kate, he said, ‘I’m so very sorry. She went quickly in the end.’
Kate looked away from him. ‘Yes, she did.’
‘She was in a lot of pain, and it was only going to get worse. It’s no comfort to you, but perhaps it was best that she went now and didn’t suffer any more.’
Kate was afraid to speak. She wanted to tell him. She wanted to confess what she had done. It was eating her up inside. ‘I killed her,’ she wanted to shout. ‘I’m an evil person. I cut my baby’s life short.’ She shook all over with guilt.
Dr Willis walked towards her, clearly concerned. ‘Do you have the Xanax I prescribed? You might need to take one, Kate. Will I get one for you? Where are they?’
‘No!’ Kate gasped. ‘No, I’m fine. I just need a minute.’ The empty packets were tightly wrapped up in a bag in the bathroom bin.
‘Well, sit down and put your head between your legs – it’ll help with your breathing.’ He guided her to the chair in the corner of the room.
As Kate concentrated on catching her breath, Nick crashed into the room. He ran to the bed and cried out his daughter’s name over and over. He kissed her face and her hands and stroked her cheek, sobbing wildly.
Dr Willis whispered, ‘I’ll pop downstairs and see your dad,’ then discreetly left the room.
Kate sat in the chair, silently watching Nick fall apart.
He turned to her, his eyes red and bloodshot. ‘How could she go so soon? How could she just die like that? I thought we had more time.’
Kate didn’t trust herself to speak.
‘Our little girl. How can she be gone, Kate? How? It’s not right. It’s too soon.’
Kate felt her stomach twist.
‘I didn’t tell her I loved her.’
‘You did, Nick.’ Kate found her voice.
‘Not enough. I should have told her more.’
‘She knew you loved her.’
‘How did it happen? Were you here? Was she alone?’
‘I was with her. She just went to sleep and then she … Well, she … stopped breathing.’
‘What did you do? Did you try to bring her back? Did you do CPR? Was the nurse here?’
‘No, she’d gone home. I didn’t do CPR. I just … well, I just knew she was gone.’ Kate could feel herself blushing.
‘Did she say anything? What were her last words? Do you think she knew?’
How could Kate tell him that Jess’s last words were Thank you for saving me. I’m happy, Mum, I’m ready to go?
‘She was happy, Nick. She loved the party yesterday and saw everyone and I think she was just ready to go.’
Nick knelt beside the bed, caressing Jess’s arm. ‘That’s just it. She seemed so joyful yesterday. I said to Jenny on the way home, “I think maybe she’ll get her strength up and be able to do more chemo.” I honestly thought she might make it. I can’t believe this has happened … It’s all wrong. It’s such a shock. I mean, I know she was really sick but I just can’t take it in. Jess, my little girl …’ He buried his face in the duvet and sobbed.
Kate went over and laid her hand on his shoulder. She felt as if she was made of glass and could shatter at any moment.
Nick looked up at her wild-eyed. He grabbed her arms. It hurt. ‘Did you do something?’
She stared at him, unable to compose herself quickly enough. She shook her head. ‘No,’ she whispered. ‘I didn’t do anything.’
He stared hard at her, still gripping her arms. ‘Because if you did anything to cut her life short,’ he said quietly, ‘I would never, ever forgive you. I want my Jess back. I don’t want her to be gone. If you did anything at all, I promise you now, Kate, I’ll bring you down.’