Piper rolled out of bed and waddled to the bathroom. It was still dark outside. She glanced at her watch. Five a.m. She caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror. God, I do look like a whale, she thought, and I still have five weeks to go. How can my stomach possibly get any bigger?
She shuffled back to her bed and lay down on her side with a pillow between her legs. Her mother had told her to put it there and it had really helped her to find a comfortable position to lie in. Mind you, Piper wasn’t getting much sleep, these days.
Since Jess had died she kept having nightmares that she was losing the baby. She’d wake up sweating and crying out. Pauline had been brilliant. She’d talk her through the dreams and calm her down. Piper was so glad she was sharing a bedroom with her elder sister. The thought of being on her own at the moment frightened her.
She was scared of everything now. She was worried the baby was going to die, that her parents were going to die, that Luke was going to dump her, that she was going to fail all of her exams, that she was going to end up alone, living in a bedsit, on welfare, with a screaming baby.
Pauline told her that the nightmares were caused by her mind being overloaded with stress and grief – that she was grieving the loss of Jess, full of baby hormones and also doing the most important exams of her life, so it was perfectly normal that she was freaking out. Pauline had helped her come up with a study plan and tested her every evening on what she’d been doing.
Piper was also really worried about Luke. He was so heartbroken about Jess, he could barely speak. She made sure he went to school and tried to study with him, but most of the time he was in a world of his own. She was worried he’d fail all of his exams and get even more depressed. He had to do well for the sake of his self-esteem and also for their future. They both needed to get into college, then get good jobs and support their baby.
Pauline said it didn’t matter if Luke failed his exams. He could always get a part-time job, study at night and repeat the exams next year. But Piper didn’t want that. She wanted him to go to college in September and have the life he’d always dreamed of. She didn’t want his life to be ruined. She was afraid he’d blame her and the baby, get depressed, dump her and end up an alcoholic or a drug addict or something.
Pauline said it was the hormones making her crazy: she needed to calm down. Piper was trying really hard to do that, but she still worried all the time.
She gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs with her books to get a coffee and try to study. Her exams began next week and she was very nervous. She was praying the baby didn’t come early. She had three weeks of exams and then, after that, about ten days before her due date. She really didn’t want to go into labour during Maths Paper 1. It was bad enough being pregnant in school with everyone staring at her and talking about her, but to go into labour during an exam would be too awful.
Another thing to worry about, she thought wearily. She made herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. The door opened, which made her jump. It was Dad.
‘Sorry, pet. Did I give you a fright?’
‘Yes.’
‘Couldn’t sleep?’
Piper shook her head. ‘Nope. You?’
‘I heard you get up and I wanted to check on you.’
‘Sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to wake you.’
‘Ah, sure I like being up early.’
‘No, you don’t!’
He grinned. ‘Well, not usually, but these are not usual circumstances. How are you, pet? You look exhausted.’
‘I’m all right.’
‘Your mother and I are worried about you. It’s been a very hard time for you, and for Luke.’
Piper could feel a lump forming in her throat. Her father came over and kissed the top of her head. ‘You’re a great girl, Piper, and we’ll support you no matter what happens. I don’t want you to worry about anything.’
‘Thanks, Dad,’ she croaked.
‘How’s Luke doing?’
Piper wiped away a tear. ‘He’s not great. He’s just so sad. He adored Jess, and they had such a brilliant relationship. It’s just awful to see him so upset. He barely speaks these days and I’m trying to be supportive, I really am.’
‘Of course you are. Isn’t he lucky to have you? But you need to mind yourself as well, Piper. This has been hard on you too.’
Piper sniffed. ‘I miss Jess, Dad. I loved her. She was an amazing girl.’
Seamus shook his head. ‘It’s a cruel world. You were so good to that child. Kate said you were the sister Jess never had. You’re a really wonderful, kind person. I don’t tell you that enough. I’m very proud of you.’ Seamus’s eyes filled with tears.
Piper stood up, threw her arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder.
Piper knocked on the kitchen door, opened it and found Bobby sitting at the table, punching a lump of dough.
‘Hi.’
‘Hi. Do you want to punch?’
‘Sure.’ Piper stuck her fist into the dough.
‘It feels good, doesn’t it?’ Bobby said, pummelling hard with his little fists.
‘Yes, it does. Is Luke up?’
‘Nope. I looked into his bedroom and he’s asleep in his clothes with his headphones on. Mummy’s asleep too. She’s holding Whiskey really tight so I couldn’t bring him down with me. I gave him to her when I hearded her crying last night.’
‘That was really kind of you, Bobby. Where’s Granddad?’
‘He had to go out to the shops to get stuff.’
‘Have you had breakfast?’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘Would you eat a little bit of something?’
‘No, thank you.’
‘If I made toast and put it on a plate, maybe you’d have a bite.’
‘Maybe.’
Piper busied herself making toast.
‘Piper?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you believe in Heaven?’
Piper paused. ‘Yes.’
‘Do you think Jess is there?’
‘Definitely. They’re very lucky to have her too.’
‘I hate God for taking Jess away.’
Piper buttered the toast. ‘I know, Bobby. It’s very hard to understand why.’
‘Mrs Lorgan said Jess died because all the best people die young and become guardian angels. She said Jess is sitting on my shoulder now, looking after me. Tommy said that was rubbish because his granddad died and he was mean and drank too much beer and shouted at his granny.’
‘What did Mrs Lorgan say?’
‘She said she was talking about children dying, not old people. But then Suzie started crying and saying she was a good girl and she didn’t want to die young and be a guardian angel. She wanted to be a pop star like Taylor Swift. Then Juliette started crying because she thought Suzie said Taylor Swift had died. She was, like, crying really hard and saying, “But I’ve got tickets for her concert.” Then I got super-cross because Taylor Swift isn’t dead, and even if she was, we don’t actually know her and my sister is dead and it’s way worser.’
Piper tried not to smile. ‘They sound like silly girls.’
Absentmindedly Bobby picked up a slice of toast and took a bite. ‘They are. They just don’t get it. No one does. Having your sister die is the baddest thing ever.’
‘Yes, it is.’
‘It’s worse than your dad leaving and having another baby. Way worse. It’s worse than your mum not getting up to bring you to school because she’s too sad to get dressed. It’s worse than your brother not speaking because he’s too sad to speak. It’s worse than – than anything.’ Bobby began to bawl.
Piper rushed over and put her arms around him. ‘Oh, Bobby, you poor, poor boy. It’s just awful. I know how much you loved Jess and how much she loved you. You must miss her so much.’
‘I do,’ he sobbed. ‘She was the one who listened to me about my facts. I know people find them boring, but Jess always made me feel as if they were interesting. She listened to me when I told her about school too. Mummy and Granddad and Daddy and Luke and everyone else, they always say, “Not now, Bobby,” but Jess never said it, never. She was so nice and I wish she was still here. Everything is all upside-down and I want things to be back to normal the way they used to be, when we were happy and we laughed and had fun. It’s so quiet now all the time.’
Piper handed him a tissue. She tried to find the right words to comfort the lost seven-year-old. ‘It’s really hard for you all. Everyone’s missing Jess and trying to cope in their own way, but it will get better, Bobby. I promise. You won’t stop missing Jess, but in a while you’ll be able to remember her and talk about her without it hurting so much. You and your mum and Luke will stop being sad all the time and it’ll be just some of the time and you’ll be happy again. It will probably take a while, but things will get better. You must try to believe that, Bobby. And I’m here if you ever need to talk.’
Bobby hugged her, squeezing her bump. Then he pulled back suddenly. ‘Something moved!’
Piper laughed. ‘It was the baby kicking, saying hello to his or her uncle.’
Bobby’s eyes were wide. ‘Wow! I’m going to be an uncle!’
‘Yes, you are, and it’s a very important role. You’ll have to teach the baby all the things you know. They’ll look up to their uncle Bobby and come to you for advice and help.’
Bobby frowned. ‘I’d better learn more stuff before they come out then. I need to know more facts to tell them.’ He ran out of the door and up the stairs, shouting, ‘I’m going to get my book.’
Luke came in, hair askew, deep creases under his eyes. ‘What’s up with him?’
Piper smiled. ‘Nothing. We just had a little chat.’
Luke slumped down in a chair.
‘Coffee?’ Piper asked.
‘Please.’
Piper made him a cup and set it in front of him. ‘You look exhausted.’
Luke yawned. ‘Bad night.’
‘Nightmares?’
‘No, memories. Every time I think of Jess and a memory comes back, I feel as if someone’s punching me in the gut. It’s … I … It’s just so hard.’ He was bereft, she knew.
Piper held his hand. ‘You loved her so much. It’s just awful.’
‘I wish my bone marrow had saved her. I feel as if I let her down.’ Tears streamed down his face.
Piper kissed his hand. ‘You did everything you could, Luke. Nothing worked. The cancer was too aggressive. You tried and I was so proud of you, but it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. You have to stop blaming yourself.’
‘I wish none of this had happened. Why did it have to happen, Piper? Why Jess? Why our family?’
Piper leant over and kissed his cheek. ‘There are no answers, Luke. It’s just cruel and awful, and I wish I could say something comforting to you. I’m sorry about the baby and dragging you down with all this responsibility and, well … I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Luke. I feel so useless.’
Luke looked up at her. ‘Useless? Piper, you’re amazing, you’re the glue. Now Jess has gone, you’re the glue in our family. Look at you talking to Bobby this morning and coming here every day to make sure I get up and go to school and study. You’re the only thing that’s keeping me going. And the baby! Don’t you dare apologize! We both got into this and I want that baby. The baby is the one good thing in this whole nightmare. It’ll give Mum something to focus on, and Granddad and Bobby and me and you. Piper, I’m so glad you’re pregnant. I want our baby so much. More than ever. We need it – our family needs it.’
Piper stared at Luke. It was the most he’d said in weeks. She felt tension flood out of her. It was going to be okay. Luke still wanted the baby and he’d said she was the glue. The glue! Tears of relief flowed down her face. Luke held her and kissed her.