III.

A Note from
Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

Since the dawn of time, millions and millions of women have dreamed of being swept up and carried off in the arms of a handsome prince (or, in my case, the arms of my best friend’s brother). While some people—such as that aforementioned best friend—might say that this fantasy is the result of an impressionable young mind warped by too many viewings of Ever After or The Slipper and the Rose, and that in this day and age it shows a terrifying lack of feminist empowerment, I’m here to tell you that just because you’ve married someone who happens to be royal, rich, and famous doesn’t mean you have given up in your quest for self-actualization! Look at the examples of the following women, all of whom became princesses after marrying the men they loved, and tell me if you think they’ve lost their grip on their own identity!

GRACE KELLY

by Tina Hakim Baba, high-school romance expert and daughter of a supermodel and Arab sheik
[with commentary by Princess Mia]

Grace Kelly was this totally beautiful movie star in the fifties who was rich and famous in her own right when she went to the small principality of Monaco to film a movie called To Catch a Thief. While she was there, she met the prince of Monaco (being a principality much like Genovia, Monaco is ruled by a prince or princess instead of a king or queen).

Prince Rainier III was instantly smitten by Grace’s beauty and charm, and asked her to be his bride. Grace agreed, and while it’s true she only made one more movie after that, you have to ask yourself: Would you? I mean, if you’d found your handsome prince at last, would you keep slogging away at the acting thing, constantly having to watch what you eat so you can squeeze into the tiny dresses inflicted on you by the costume department, and eating stale tuna-fish sandwiches from Craft Services? When you could lounge around in a caftan by the pool and eat all the Häagen-Dazs you wanted?

I thought as much.

 

[Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier had three kids together. You can read about two of them on page 31. The third one, Prince Albert, was at last reporting still available and looking for his princess. But I haven’t given Tina his e-mail address because he is too old for her. And besides, she is saving herself for Prince William.]

Tina’s Random Act of Princess:

Be like Grace: Wear large, dark glasses and a filmy scarf over your hair next time you go out in public. People will totally wonder who the mysterious beauty is, standing in line behind them at Blockbuster.

DIANA, PRINCESS OF WALES

Lady Diana Spencer was just a shy girl of nineteen when she agreed to marry Prince Charles, the heir to the British throne, who was twelve years her senior. But she soon overcame that shyness, blossoming into one of the most beautiful women in the world, becoming a fashion trendsetter and a muse for designers such as Bill Blass and Valentino. She also became a spokeswoman for causes including AIDS and landmine reform, which seeks to remove unexploded land-mines from war-torn areas such as Chad. Diana was, in fact, the first member of the British royal family to publicly embrace an HIV-positive hospital patient.

While sadly, Charles and Diana’s marriage didn’t last, they remained fiercely supportive of their sons, Princes William and Harry, two of the finest-looking male specimens ever to walk the planet, and one of whom I am going to marry, if there is any justice at all in this world.

 

[I have explained and explained to Tina, until I was blue in the face, practically, that being a princess is not all it’s cracked up to be. But will she listen? No. I have also pointed out that even if she does marry William, she will never be queen, because she is not a British citizen and doesn’t even know what toad-in-the-hole is. She says she doesn’t care, when William is king he can change the rules to make her queen if he wants to.

She does have a point there. And better Queen Tina than Queen Britney, is all I have to say. Although, of course, I secretly like Britney so I wouldn’t actually mind her being queen. In fact, it would be kind of cool. Especially, you know, if she wore short shorts to Ascot.]

Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

Be like Diana: Adopt a cause about which you feel strongly. Educate your friends about it, and enlist their support, as well. Remember: To think globally, you have to act locally. Every little bit helps (P.S. from Tina: You might meet cute guys this way, if you pick a cause boys like, such as one involving comic books or video games).

QUEEN NOOR

Queen Noor was born Lisa Najeeb Halaby. She didn’t become a royal until she married King Hussein of Jordan in1978. Since then—even though her husband died and she isn’t even the official queen anymore—Noor has worked hard to address issues of education, women and children’s welfare, human rights, environmental and architectural conservation, and urban planning not just in Jordan, but, working with the UN, globally as well. Queen Noor is also active in trying to combat “honor killings” in Jordan—where girls’ fathers or brothers kill them (!!!!) for “shaming” the family in ways that here in America would not even raise an eyebrow, such as going to the movies with a boy or whatever. Queen Noor is my total role model, and when I grow up I want to be just like her. Except I want hair like Shakira’s.

 

[Plus, Queen Noor manages to do all this while looking like a model. Not that looking like a model is so important. Except that it helps spread the word about your causes when you just happen to be stylish enough to be on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar or People.]

Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

Be like Noor: You don’t have to wear combat boots or pierce parts of your face to show that you are part of the counterculture. It’s even more subversive to try to look as polished and professional as you can, and just when people are lulled into a false sense of complacency, hit them with your cool plan for raising awareness of the plight of the sea turtle or whatever.

CINDERELLA

Everybody knows the story of Cinderella, the poor “cinder-wench” who was forced by her evil stepmother to clean the chimney hearth rather than attend a palace ball. Cindy got her back, though, by summoning a fairy godmother who outfitted her in glass slippers (maybe not the wisest choice in footwear, but pretty!) and a coach made out of a pumpkin. Then off Cindy went, in her glass shoes and harvest-vegetable-transport, to the palace, where she won the heart of the prince she would eventually marry, after he tracked her down again (via the glass shoe)!

It would be crazy to think Cinderella missed her own chimney-cleaning days. Of course she loved living in the palace, and I’ll bet anything she and the prince became a much beloved king and queen. If that’s not happily ever after, I don’t know what is.

 

[In the Disney version of this story, talking mice and birds help Cinderella make her dress for the ball, and she forgives both her stepmother and her stepsisters in the end. In the original version by the Brothers Grimm, however, those birds peck out the eyes of the evil stepmother and stepsisters. Wouldn’t it have been AWESOME if they’d included that in the Disney version? Not that I can stand the sight of blood… even cartoon blood. Still, it would have been cool to watch, you know, while the credits were rolling or whatever.]

Tina’s Random Act of Princess:

Be like Cindy: You too can be the belle of the ball! Instead of shopping for your next prom dress at the local mall, try a vintage clothing store, or your local thrift shop. Not only can you find great bargains, but you can be assured that no one will be wearing your exact same dress! You will be a true original.

BEAUTY FROM
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

The daughter of nonroyals, Beauty (which is Belle in French and in the Disney movie) is a bookish but undeniably attractive girl who, when a hideous monster threatens to keep her father captive in an enchanted castle, offers to be taken captive in his place. For her self-sacrifice, Belle is rewarded with her life, which the monster spares. She gets to hang out in this beautiful palace with all these new clothes that fit perfectly and read romance novels all day. Enchanted kitchenware even brings her her meals! She never even has to get up… except maybe when the Beast asks her to dance, which he does, frequently. Everything is going along just great, when Belle gets a vision that her dad is in trouble, and she has to go back home and save him. Poor Beast nearly dies of loneliness without her. Plus a whole bunch of mean villagers come along and want to kill him (in the Disney version).

Fortunately Belle comes back to the enchanted castle and confesses her love for the Beast and kisses him and breaks the spell. He stops being a Beast, and turns back into a handsome prince.* You just know that he and Belle are happy together for the rest of their lives, because they’ve both learned what it’s like to almost lose the thing you hold most dear in the whole world.**

 

[*This is the worst part of the whole story, if you ask me. Why couldn’t he have stayed a beast? It is always so disappointing when the Beast turns into the Prince, because who wants a smoothie Prince, when you can have a big hairy Beast? That’s like choosing Cyclops over Wolverine, and who in their right mind would do that (except for Jean Grey)? Anyway, the whole thing ends up being a pretty raw deal for Belle, if you ask me.]

 

[**In spite of my dissatisfaction with the way it ends, this is the best fairy tale of all time. Lilly says it is based on the old Roman myth of Cupid and Psyche, or possibly the Greek myth of Persephone and Hades, and that its subtext is all about S-E-X. I don’t care what it’s based on or what the subtext is. It RULES. The Beast is SO HOT—especially when he is bossing Belle around, and she stands up to him like the little spitfire she is.]

Mia’s Random Act of Princess:

Be like Belle: Give that ugly guy in your Bio class a second look. Yeah, he might tuck his sweater into his pants and wear a retainer… but when he takes it out, he might be a totally excellent kisser! It’s just like Mrs. Potts says: There may be something there that wasn’t there before.

CLARISSE,
DOWAGER PRINCESS OF GENOVIA

Clarisse Renaldo, nee Grimaldi, was just a carefree young debutante—educated in the finest finishing schools in Europe, and garbed in only the most flattering creations of top designers of the era, such as Givenchy and Dior—when she caught the eye of the handsome prince of Genovia one night at a ball given in his honor. Instantly smitten, the prince pursued Clarisse relentlessly, but she would have nothing to do with him, for Clarisse had aspirations of her own, and they had nothing to do with marriage and motherhood. No. Clarisse— though she had never admitted as much to her staid mother and father—wanted a career… a career on the stage! Not since Sarah Bernhardt had the world seen such an actress as Clarisse… or so she had been assured by all of her finishing-school chums, after she starred as Yum-Yum in the school’s version of The Mikado.

It was only when Clarisse’s mother pointed out that in order to be an actress, Clarisse would have to move to America, most specifically Hollywood, that the young princess-to-be knew her dream would never be realized… because while Clarisse would gladly live in Paris or New York, nothing in the world would ever induce her to move to Los Angeles. And so she accepted the young prince’s proposal and became Genovia’s most beautiful—and charismatic—princess of all time.

[I can’t believe Grandmère managed to weasel her way into this section. And that she convinced Tina she wanted to be an actress. She told ME she wanted to be a brain surgeon.]

Tina’s Random Act of Princess:

Be like Clarisse: Go to the animal shelter and adopt a small stray dog. Take it with you everywhere dogs are allowed. In places where dogs are not allowed, take your canine friend anyway, hidden in a large chic purse.