Are you okay?” Romy asked me quietly on our way back toward the car. We had thought about calling my mom from Suze’s house, but it was after midnight in Sweden. Suze had made me promise to call her the next day—she was certain my mom would have more to offer.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I couldn’t stop thinking about everything Suze had said. The thing that scared me almost as much as anything she’d said was that I didn’t necessarily want to figure out how to make the magic stop. I forced a smile for my sister. “Just tired.”
None of us talked for a minute. I appreciated the silence. Romy walked ahead, and I looped my arm into Jonathan’s and Anji’s to give me something concrete to hold on to. I felt dazed and couldn’t help but wonder what it took for this other side of me—my shadow?—to come out. Did I have to worry about suddenly being possessed or something by my other half while I was still technically awake? Or was it the sleep and the moonstone that activated everything? Hadn’t my mom given me the stone as an amulet of protection? So why wasn’t it working? I didn’t have any answers, and that left me shaken and scared.
“Does anyone want to get a cupcake?” Anji proposed when we walked past a bakery. “My treat.”
“In that case . . . ,” Jonathan said, opening the door for us. We all walked in, and the smell of sugar was overpowering. I selected a red velvet cupcake and sat down at a small table in front of the shop window. Romy sat down next to me and wordlessly offered me a bite of her chocolate cupcake.
“So . . . Suze had some interesting thoughts,” Jonathan said, finally opening up the conversation. “What do you guys think? Are you buying this whole shadow thing?”
“I don’t really know what choice we have but to believe her,” Anji said. She smiled at me. “It’s as good a guess as any.”
I licked the icing sitting in a sugary heap on top of my cupcake. “I’ve never really believed in all this magic theory that my mom and her friends buy into,” I said finally. “But now I desperately do want to believe in magic, since the alternative scares the crap out of me. I want to have an answer, and to figure out how I control this thing. So yeah, I’m interested in hearing what my mom has to say. I guess I just want to know what it all means.”
I stared at the wall behind Jonathan’s head, certain the paisley wallpaper was moving. I really needed to sleep. “I don’t necessarily love the idea that there could be some sort of shadow acting on my behalf, but I do want to know if there’s something else it could be or how the shadow got out, or whatever happened. Even if my mom’s theories usually sound strange, I owe it to her to bring her into this and let her try to help me.” I vowed to tell Mom about the changed moonstone as soon as I could speak with her—it was time to stop denying that piece of it. Since she was the one who had given it to me, I hoped she would be able to tell me something more about how it worked.
When Romy dropped Jonathan and Anji off at their houses, they both made me promise to sleep without my moonstone again that night. But even as I stuffed the stone deep inside my backpack and hung the pack on a hook by the front door, a piece of me was yearning to keep it close for the night. I told Romy about how I felt drawn to its power. “I can’t help but be curious about what else might happen if I keep it with me,” I admitted. Most of the things I’d wished for on the night of the eclipse had come true—what more could the power of the stone offer me, if I let it take over?
As soon as I got to my room, I searched online for Carl Jung and his shadow theory. Romy read along over my shoulder. She whispered, “It isn’t really any more comforting to read about than it was to have Suze tell us about it, is it?” I glanced back at her and shook my head. What we found made it seem much more like your shadow is the place where all your dark thoughts are stored. The shadow sucks them in and locks them up, holding the evil pieces of you hostage.
I quickly closed the browser and reopened a new window. A fresh search helped me find some interesting bits on doppelgangers, which seemed to be another execution of this shadow theory. A doppelganger literally meant “double walker,” and a few online sites described it as a shadow-self that accompanies its owner. Back to the shadow thing again.
Doppelgangers can be evil but are also sometimes just good company for their other half—like an imaginary friend. They listen and give advice and stand behind their owner, one site said. But to me it all sounded very sketchy. Apparently it is also really bad luck if your doppelganger is seen (like, a possible indication you would soon die, so this was all just getting better by the minute), but if it does make itself visible to your family and friends, confusion abounds. That sounded familiar. I was seriously confused. I hoped my mom might be able to shed some light on things.
Soon my eyes were swimming. I longed for a good night’s sleep but knew I wouldn’t get one. My dad and Romy both tucked me in, and then I let myself sink into bed without fear, hoping my “shadow” wouldn’t sneak out in the night. I couldn’t survive another sleepless night, so I had no choice but to trust that everything would be okay with my moonstone elsewhere. As I drifted off, I thought about the auditions and wondered if I would get a callback. If I did, would I have the nerve to go through with it on my own? I really wanted to believe I could get up on that stage and prove myself worthy—without the help of sketchy magic.
After only a minute or two I fell asleep and slept dreamlessly. I woke in a fog the next morning. Nothing seemed amiss, so I hoped it had been an uneventful night. When I finally dragged myself out of the house to rush for the bus, I bumped into Will—juggling a soccer ball—at the end of his driveway. “Hey,” he said with a smile.
“Hi.” I was tempted to run off and avoid him like I’d done pretty much every day since I got back from Sweden. But then I remembered “I” had been spending time with him during my shadow moments. The ice between us had been broken while I thought I was sleeping, so I figured I might as well start mending things in my waking hours too. “How are you?”
“Good. I hear you auditioned for the musical?”
“I did,” I said, feeling my face flush. “I decided I might as well give it a shot.”
“You have a great voice. You deserve it.” He kicked the ball up and caught it in his hands. “I’m sure you’ll get cast—or a callback, at least.”
“Yeah, well, we’ll see. I don’t think Velvet needs to worry about me stealing a part from her or anything.”
Will looked a little uncomfortable suddenly. “Lucia . . .”
I peeked at my phone and realized I had to hustle if I was going to make the bus.
Will continued, “Velvet and I aren’t really hanging out anymore. I kind of told her I didn’t want to go out or whatever.”
“Really?” I chewed my lip. I felt the tiniest flutter of happiness. This was the first time anyone had ever rejected Velvet. She got what she wanted, always. But now Will had broken up with her! Then I felt guilty for feeling happy about it. Did I really want to see her hurt? “Oh. Well, I’m sorry?”
“Don’t be sorry.” He laughed. “It’s all good. She was kind of bossy, and I didn’t really like how brutal she could be around her friends sometimes. She was pretty fun most of the time, but I guess I sort of realized we don’t really have anything in common. Except you.”
I shuffled my feet in the dirt and thought about what Will had said: that Velvet could be brutal to her friends. So it wasn’t just me she treated badly. I guess part of me knew that, but another part of me had often wondered what I’d done wrong to make Velvet turn on me, specifically. But her cruelty had nothing to do with me and everything to do with Velvet. That’s just the way she was. Last summer I had been in the wrong place, with the wrong friend, at the wrong time.
Suddenly Will’s mom opened the kitchen window and yelled out, “Lucia, let me give you a ride to school. We’re leaving in a few minutes.”
I looked at Will. He nodded. “Okay,” I yelled back. “Thanks.”
“Anyway, I just thought you should know about Velvet.” Will shrugged. “You want to wait for my mom up in the tree house? I’ll get you a muffin. My mom made them last night.”
“Yeah, totally.” Will ran inside for a couple of muffins while I climbed up into the tree house. When he joined me, I asked, “So is she upset?”
“About me and her?” he asked. “I dunno. We didn’t really talk about it much, so I’m not sure. I just texted her and told her we shouldn’t hang out except in groups and stuff anymore.”
I gaped at him. “You texted her? You’ve been going out for a couple of months. That’s an eternity! Text breakups are not cool.” I suddenly felt bad for Velvet. As mean as she’d been to me, she didn’t deserve to be broken up with in a text. No one deserved that. “Seriously, Will. What’s wrong with you?”
He grinned. “See? This is why it’s good we’re hanging out again. You can help me figure this stuff out. How was I supposed to know that?”
“Are you human?” I asked, laughing. I smacked him on the shoulder and in that simple gesture, it felt like I’d hit a reset button. For the first time in months, our friendship was creeping back to what it used to be. “Everyone knows you don’t break up with someone over text. Guys are seriously weird.”
“Guys are?” Will said, scuffing his feet on the wooden boards of the tree house. “I’ve seen the way Velvet acts with her friends. I guarantee girls are a lot weirder than guys. Girls are impossible to understand. Some girls, anyway.”
“Not me,” I said. “I’m nothing like Velvet.”
“You’re definitely not,” he said. “Thank God for that.”
“Will you talk to her?” I asked. “She’s probably not going to be very nice to you about it, since I’m guessing she’s hurt and embarrassed. But you have to talk to Velvet face-to-face. It’s the nice thing to do, and you’ve always been a nice guy. Promise?”
He frowned. “Really?”
“Really.” I nodded. I knew Velvet well enough that I was sure she didn’t handle rejection well. “You have to talk to her in person. Just tell her the truth.” I couldn’t believe I was advocating on behalf of my former best friend who had hurt me so badly. But if it were me in Velvet’s shoes, I’d want someone to do the same. “If you don’t say anything, it’s going to be weird between the two of you forever. Trust me. Please?”
Will sighed. “I guess you’re right.” He shoved half a muffin into his mouth, slung his backpack over his shoulder, and climbed down to the ground. Through a mouthful of muffin chunks, he said, “I’ll talk to Velvet, as long as you promise to ace your callback. No cold feet and no chickening out. Deal?”
“I don’t even know if I’ll get a callback,” I said, climbing down the ladder after him.
“You will. So break a leg this afternoon, okay?”
I reached into my pocket for my moonstone, willing some of its strength to ooze through my skin. Squeezing it tight in my palm, I promised. “Okay.”
* * *
When we got to school, there was a cluster of people gathered around the theater’s double doors. Before I could make my way to the front of the pack, Anji came rushing at me. “You got a callback!” she screeched. A few people turned to look at us and Anji grinned back at all of them. “My friend Lucia, the callback queen!” she announced.
“I did?” I craned my neck to try to see over the crowd. “Did you?”
“No.” She pouted briefly. But then her silver lips glimmered and turned up in a smile. “But that’s okay. I didn’t really expect it. I’m going to sign up to help with lighting or something so we can still be together. I’m so excited for you!”
“Did Velvet get a callback?” I asked.
Anji rolled her eyes. “Obviously.”
“Well,” I said, nerves churning already, even though there was a whole day of school before the callbacks. “This should be fun.”
Anji laughed. “You’ve got this, Lucia. Just sing like you did yesterday and you’ll be fine.”
We made our way toward our lockers. “Yeah, but yesterday I had the help of my stone,” I said quietly. “Remember?”
“You don’t need it,” Anji said certainly. “It’s not like the stone gives you magic powers and turns your voice into Adele’s. It’s still you. You just need to get up there and do your thing. Quiet confidence!”
“Easy for you to say,” I muttered.
Anji bumped her hip into mine. “The audition’s easy-peasy, girl. It’s Velvet you need to worry about.”
As if she needed to remind me.
* * *
By the end of the day I was completely exhausted again. At lunch Jonathan, Anji, and I had escaped the cafeteria and gone to the auditorium for a few extra minutes of rehearsal. In science class Anji had ignored our experiment and used most of the hour to psych me up. I spent all of English class trying to avoid Velvet, but she managed to catch me right at the end as everyone was gathering up their things. “Just give up, Lucia,” she said under her breath. “So you got lucky at auditions yesterday. Now stop pretending to be someone you’re not. No one’s falling for your little act this past week. You’ll never be me, so stop faking it.”
“Knock it off,” I hissed. “You can’t intimidate me. And I would never want to be you.”
Velvet smiled slowly. “Is that so?”
“I deserve a part in the play just as much as you do,” I said. I felt this hatred bubbling up (there was Suze’s word again). Suddenly all I wanted to do was say something horrible to Velvet. “You can’t even sing—” I began, but then I stopped.
What would hurting her get me? Cutting her down, making her feel like something less, wasn’t going to make me stronger. So I shook my head and said, “I shouldn’t have said that. But you and I both know I do deserve the same shot as everyone else. Just because you think I can’t do it, doesn’t mean I can’t. You don’t even know me, so stop trying to act like you have some sort of control over my life.” I released my breath in a long whoosh, then stood up and left class five seconds before the bell rang.
“Lucia?” Ms. Tanner-Blank called after me. “We’re not finished.”
As soon as I was out in the hall, the bell rang. “We are now,” I muttered. I was so done with Velvet. I thought about all the insults I could have swung at her, all the things I could have said to shake her confidence before the callbacks.
Waves of people pushed at me from all sides, and I was suddenly overcome with another rush of extreme exhaustion. I felt for the moonstone in my pocket. When I did, fatigue swept over me again. I stumbled and someone lifted me up by my elbow. An unfamiliar voice said, “You okay?”
In a haze, I shook my head but couldn’t get any words to come. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep myself up. I felt like I was inside a fishbowl—sounds were muffled, and everything seemed to be swimming around me as if the whole school had been flooded with water. I rubbed my eyes, but they just clouded over more. I felt like I was going to be sick.
Stumbling again, I dragged myself toward the girls’ bathroom at the end of the hallway. I could hear laughter nearby, and the sounds of voices echoed around me like we were in an enormous cave. Clutching at my stone for strength, I tripped through the door of the bathroom and collapsed in an empty stall.
As my mind slid further and further out of my control, I tried to rouse myself. I had to stop myself from falling asleep. What was happening to me? It was time for callbacks. My cheek pressed against the wall in the stall, and I felt a wave of nausea rush over me. My face was flattened against the stall door, my hands on my knees. I knew it was disgusting and germ filled and I wanted to heave, but I couldn’t make myself get back up. Fighting against the nausea and extreme exhaustion, I mustered up the strength to press my foot against the toilet so I wouldn’t accidentally fall into it.
Not this time, I thought, begging and pleading with myself. You can do this callback on your own. But the thought was miles away, like my real life was a dream and something was trying to pull me out of it. Wake up! I pleaded with myself. Wake up and show Velvet she was wrong about you.