Chapter Thirty-Three
Grayce sat in her usual chair, across from her mentor. The familiar fragrant scent of the Dragon Well green tea soothed her jangled nerves. There was comfort in routine. She smiled, then he smiled. Always the same, but never the same.
“How are you?” His fathomless eyes radiated love. She had come to be with him on the pretext of treatment for her concussion.
“I’ve a mild concussion from a car accident.”
“Yes, I see the bruising.”
“Someone had tampered with my brakes. My car went out of control, and I struck a tree. I was evaluated at Harborview. My CAT scan was negative. I’ve recovered. The men, possibly from Aunt Aideen’s prediction, are still at large. Davis is trying to find a connection to why they want to harm me.”
“Your mind is spinning, yes? Take a cleansing breath.”
She took several deep breaths and tried to absorb Dr. Z’s calm, but this time it wasn’t working.
He smiled. “Still spinning. You remember the exercises we did when you first started your training?”
“That’s the problem. My mind has taken hold of me, and I can’t get out of its destructive grip.”
“Your thoughts sound harsh. Lord Krishna reminds us in the Bhagavad Gita that gentleness of the mind must be practiced.”
“Everything in my life is out of control, and I can’t stop the whirling buzz.”
“Yes, I can feel how disturbed your energy is. Tell me.”
“I hurt Davis badly. And now we’re distant. I don’t know how to make it better between us.”
“His fear over the accident, yes?”
“He’s very upset that someone tried to hurt me. He’s guarding me day and night.”
Dr. Z never asked direct questions, but always waited for the truth to emerge.
“He’s hurt because I didn’t call him immediately after the accident. I didn’t want him to worry. He was in DC on his new job, and I didn’t want him to have to come home.”
“You are used to taking care of others. Not easy for you to let someone else help you.”
“He said I’m trying to push him away. But he doesn’t understand that I wanted to spare him the pain.”
“Your life journey has always been about preventing pain for others. There is more. I can feel it—a deeper fear than taking responsibility for others. What is it?”
She didn’t want to admit her scary thoughts out loud, because uttering the words would make it real, never to be taken back.
Her mentor knew her mind so well, recognized her resistance. “Tell me about your dreams.”
“Every night, it is the same dream or a slight variation. I dream I’m under water.”
“Very auspicious. Water represents consciousness.”
“But the dream isn’t auspicious. I’m being suffocated by the water. And there is no one to help me.”
His round eyes focused on her face. “Anything else?”
“I’m sinking into the emptiness alone. The anxiety is overwhelming.”
“A very frightening dream. I can see why your energy is unbalanced. Deep fear of loneliness, yes?” His words always had the effect of softening the ache around her heart.
“Why do you think you’re having this dream?”
There was never any hiding from her mentor. Dr. Z liked the analogy—delving deep into your soul is like peeling away one petal at a time from the lotus flower. He had never described the suffering involved in the process of peeling.
“Cassie’s gone. She’s left me. I used to feel her, dream of her, feel a connection. But when the men threatened me, I didn’t feel her with me.” Grayce couldn’t hold back the anguish. Hot tears rolled down her face. Searing grief burned in her lungs. She gulped, trying to suppress the sobs.
Dr. Z leaned forward and patted her hand.
His touch steadied her. He never judged feelings. He allowed them to flow.
“Your sister didn’t leave you.” He put his hand on his chest. “Is she not here?”
Grayce shrugged her shoulders. “But if she is with me, why don’t I feel her? Something has changed.”
“I don’t think she left you. I think you let Cassie go.”
“That’s not true!” She never totally lost control with Dr. Z, but today he was pushing her limits.
“You’re letting go of very old fears in your dreams. And creating new dreams and hopes, yes?”
“I don’t understand.” Her voice was challenging, almost hostile.
“Cassie has always been a part of you. And she still will be. She is held deep in your heart. ‘New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.’ My favorite poet Lao Tzu says it beautifully.”
“By your reasoning, I should feel her presence more.”
“We’re back to the brain spinning. This isn’t about reasoning. This is feeling.”
Grayce felt the tightness in her chest and around her heart ease with acceptance.
“She will always remain a part of you, as will all the people you love. But you don’t need her to be with you now to make you complete. Letting her go gives room in your heart for another who loves you and protects you.”
Grayce stared at her mentor. “I’m not sure that I’ve room in my heart for both Cassie and Davis.”
He shook his head. “Your brain is quite revved up today.” Dr. Z’s exuberant smile wreathed his face. “There is always room for love.”
“But Cassie guided me. Helped me in my work.”
“Your gifts of insight and intuition have always been yours and only yours. You’re the gifted one. Cassie loved and protected you.” He was always so patient, gently guiding her to painful truths.
“Am I substituting Davis for Cassie?”
He chuckled. “You need to stop your brain from talking. You can love Davis, because you have loved Cassie and let her go. The deepest love is always letting go.
He stood. “No more words. Come, I’ll treat you now. Let me take care of you.”