PUMPKIN SURPRISE

During thirteen years of wedlock to Nigel, Joy had become increasingly neurotic about her cooking utensils and kitchen habits. This was entirely due to her spouse’s potentially lethal nut allergy. In anticipation of those rare occasions when she was forced to cook with nuts, Joy had invested in a special set of red tableware. December was just such an occasion.

Nigel’s late brother’s widow was due to pay them a seasonal visit, and anything made with peanut butter was her acknowledged favourite. Keen to please, Joy used her special recipe for the Peanut Butter and Pumpkin Cookies her sister-in-law loved. She used her mini pumpkin cutter to stamp out forty bite-sized treats.

Rather disappointingly, Millie would not be bringing her boys to visit on this occasion, although she could still take the leftovers home for them to enjoy. It was unusual for Millie not to be accompanied by her children, and Joy hoped there was nothing wrong. Perhaps she was looking forward to some adult time, and a private chat away from the kids.

Leaving the cookies to cool on a wire tray, Joy went upstairs to make the bed and collect the dry cleaning. As per her usual habit, she meticulously checked the pockets of Nigel’s suit, and was surprised to discover a receipt for a gold necklace. A necklace she had never received. A necklace costing six hundred pounds, paid for on her husband’s credit card.

It’s a Christmas present for me. Silly woman. So what if it’s not the usual scarf? He’s branching out!

Striving to stay calm and not jump to hasty conclusions, Joy made her way to the study. The desk was locked, although she soon located the key under an aspidistra. She extracted every sheet of paper and arranged the pile of documents in chronological order. Thirty minutes later, all the proof she would ever require was laid out in black and white. Wine, lingerie, hotels, meals, taxis and jewellery. Always the accountant, Nigel had even retained the receipts for condoms.

Whoever she is, she’s still fertile.

Her heart pounding, Joy meticulously checked the phone bills until she ascertained her rival’s identity. Then she found the solicitors’ letter. It was not enough for her beloved Nigel to be fooling around. Divorce was on his agenda. He planned to abandon the wife who had devoted fifteen years to him, and marry his fertile mistress.

A sobbing Joy put her face in her hands, rocking back and forth in the wheeled office chair. She stayed like that for a full hour until she had no tears left. Then she carefully returned the documents to the desk and made sure it was safely locked. Ignoring the dry cleaning, she went downstairs and switched on the kettle. She ate two of the fresh cookies with her cup of tea while she considered her options. She was pleased to discover the cookies were delicious. A culinary triumph, Joy my dear.

Nigel was home twenty minutes later than usual and seemed agitated. He claimed the seasonal traffic and general mayhem were wreaking havoc with his nerves. Joy pretended to swallow the lie. She told him dinner would be served just as soon as Millie arrived, and questioned him about his day at the office. Nigel angrily shrugged off her queries and ordered her not to interrogate him. Joy smiled faintly and suggested a pumpkin cookie might exercise a calming effect.

‘Perhaps you’re cross because your blood sugar is low,’ she held out the green plate enticingly.

Nigel grabbed the proffered treat, and demolished it in a single bite. Even as he reached for a second one, his throat began to swell. He flung himself into a chair, calling for his EpiPen in a strangled voice.

Joy ran to fetch the gadget, and held it up to show him. ‘This pen?’ she enquired, as she injected the contents into a thick slice of leftover pumpkin. A horrified Nigel watched her antics through eyes like slits, his face becoming increasingly red.

‘Did you really think I would let Millie have you?’ Joy enquired of her rapidly swelling spouse. ‘I loved Jeff before I loved you and still he chose her over me. He gave her two babies before he passed away, but even that’s not enough for the greedy cow. Now she wants you as well. I’m sorry, darling, but I can’t allow that to happen. I have to draw the line somewhere.’

Nigel lay moaning in the chair as Joy swapped the green plate for a red one. She washed the green one thoroughly and put it away. After checking she had set the scene to perfection, she dialled the emergency services.

‘Help! My husband is dying!’ she screamed. ‘He ate cookies from a red plate! His EpiPen is broken!’

The ambulance arrived before their guest. When she rushed indoors, Nigel was being placed on a stretcher. His face was covered.

‘My poor Millie,’ a tearstained Joy greeted her sister-in-law. ‘I made your favourite cookies, and he accidentally ate one. I can’t understand why his EpiPen was empty. He was always so organised. Something must have distracted him, and he forgot to arrange a new one. What could have meant so much to him that he overlooked the most important thing in his life? Do you have any idea what it might have been?’

‘No, I don’t,’ Millie’s blue eyes were awash with tears. She protectively cradled her slightly swollen abdomen, and clutched the back of a chair for support. ‘I don’t know what can have distracted him. I’m so sorry, Joy. Is there anything I can do?’

‘Would you mind helping with the cremation?’ Joy fixed watery green eyes on the other woman. ‘I’m not sure I have the strength to deal with the arrangements alone. This has come as such a shock to me. Thank goodness I can count on you for support, Millie darling.’