NOVEMBER 9, 1999
(16 years, 11 months, and 30 days until the election)
Howard: Let me talk to you about this president thing, ’cause this has gained some steam. The fact of the matter is, this third party, this Ross Perot party, is really considering you.
Donald: Well, they really like me, but they like me for one reason: the polls really like me.
Howard: Between you and me, you have a book coming out, right?
Donald: Right.
Howard: I think this is great advance publicity for the book.
Donald: Well, that’s true, but I am really considering this. But it would be very, very important to have your endorsement.
Howard: You’re not running, though, that would destroy—it’s fun to get the publicity and hype—
Robin: Donald doesn’t do things by committee. He can’t work with Congress.
Howard: Right. You wouldn’t do that. And you’re having too good of a life. To even consider that horrible job. And it is a horrible job.
Donald: Now, do you think Clinton is a happy man, Howard?
Howard: Yes. I think this has been his career.
Donald: Now, what do you think is going to happen to Clinton when he retires as a young man of fifty-three or fifty-four?
Howard: He’s gonna run a company or something.
Donald: Well, do you think he’ll stay married? [laughs]
Howard: I think he will, ’cause he’s got the perfect marriage. He does whatever he wants.
Donald: I think she might even encourage him.
[Collective laughter]
Howard: I don’t think she wants him on top of her, and that’s the way it goes. It’s unbelievable. Hey, let me get a glimpse of your life. Let me get a glimpse of your life.
Donald: Go ahead.
Howard: From what I read about this supermodel you’re dating, who is a knockout—
Donald: Melania Knauss, from Austria.
Howard: So you’re telling me you’re in a monogamous relationship? You’re not cheating on her?
Donald: That is correct.
Howard: You’re completely satisfied by her?
Donald: She is very satisfying.
Howard: Are you living with her?
Donald: No.
Howard: She implies that you’re very busy during the day, she’s very busy during the day, and then you link up at night.
Donald: The perfect time to link up.
Howard: And does she leave after you have sex, or stay over?
Donald: No, generally she’ll stay over.
Howard: Oh, too bad.
Donald: Generally.
Howard: So, you’re there with her now?
Donald: Yes. In fact, she’s listening right now to the radio.
Howard: And do you have to talk to her a lot? Or does she keep quiet?
Donald: She’s quiet.
Donald: Quiet, beautiful, very nice. And very smart.
Howard: Boy, I can’t think of anything more perfect. The only thing I think she can’t do is turn into a pizza after you have sex with her.
Donald: That’s about as good as it gets. I’m having a lot of fun, Howard. I’m having a lot of fun in business. My business has been great.
Howard: Right.
Donald: And the city is booming, as you know. You know, Rudy’s done a very good job.
Howard: He has been great.
Donald: Whether people love him or don’t love him, Rudy has been a great mayor, and the city’s been booming. I’m the biggest developer in New York now, by far, and I’m having a lot of fun.
Howard: I tell ya, you’re smelling more than roses, my friend. Who you gonna vote for, Rudy or Hillary?
Donald: I’m a Rudy man. Frankly, he’s done such a good job, how can you not let him go on to the next stage? I wish he could be mayor for another four years.
Howard: You have to reward a guy who has done a good job.
Donald: Absolutely. And I think she’s very nice. I’ve met her a bunch of times.
Howard: All right, so the point is you’re banging this supermodel, and after you’re done you’ll have another supermodel. But it seems to me you’re digging this one.
Donald: Well, she’s very exceptional.
Howard: You would never marry again.
Donald: Well, I have to tell you this, Howard: marriage really is a great institution.
Howard: The fact of the matter is, your life is pretty much perfect. And you would never get married again, but this woman thinks you’re going to marry her.
Donald: Well, this has been a good year.
Howard: Has she brought up marriage?
Donald: No, she has not. But I do love the concept of marriage, if you have the right woman.
Howard: Does she dress up real hot? Like, miniskirts and stuff?
Donald: Well, she’s a conservative person, but she will wear some wild stuff now and then.
Howard: Do you go to regular restaurants with her and stuff? Like, you walk in, sit at a table, does she ever not wear panties—
Donald: Howard, you’re talking about a potential first lady. This is not appropriate.
Howard: Forget that. Please, you gotta help me out with this, ’cause I have no life.
Donald: Well, I’ll say this: we get along very well.
Howard: Where do you take her on a first date? How tall is she?
Donald: She’s five-eleven, I guess.
Howard: Mmm. Not an ounce of cellulite, right?
Donald: No cellulite, no. In fact, she doesn’t know what the word means. Howard, you should come out with me sometime. For a presidential candidate, I have the best time.
Howard: Well, Donald, seriously: good luck with the presidential run. I’ll be following that closely.
Donald: You have to endorse me, Howard.
Howard: Sure, I’ll endorse you. What else do I got to do?
Donald: I’ve made billions of dollars. Hey, look, I watched [George W.] Bush the other day on television.
Howard: Right.
Donald: And I’m not sure that’s what you want.
Howard: I’m not sure that’s what I want either. He knows less than I do about world politics.
Donald: And I watched the debate between [Bill] Bradley and [Al] Gore, and I don’t think that’s what you want either.
Howard: It’d be interesting, four years of you.
Donald: Take a good look at it. I’ll tell you what, this country won’t be ripped off anymore.
Howard: The guy’s a good businessman.
Donald: We’ll get lots of good deals, and lots of lower taxes. But I’ll make a decision over the next few months.
Howard: Let me talk to that broad in your bed.
Donald: Maybe I should get her in. Do you want me to get her in?
Howard: Yeah, let me talk to her. What’s her name again, Melanie?
Melania: Hello?
Howard: Hey!
Melania: Hey, how are you?
Howard: You are so hot.
Melania: Oh, thank you.
Howard: I see pictures of you, and can’t believe it. You’re a dream.
Melania: So, are you coming out with us?
Howard: Yes I am, baby. Let me tell you something: I want you to put on your hottest outfit.
Melania: Okay. No problem.
Howard: What are you going to wear?
Melania: Oh, I don’t tell you now. You will see.
Howard: Let me ask you this: What are you wearing right now?
Melania: Not much.
Howard: Are you naked? Are you nude?
Melania: Almost.
Howard: Ohhhh. I have my pants off already. So what are you, in love with Trump?
Melania: Sorry?
Howard: Are you in love with Trump?
Melania: Yeah, we have a great time.
Howard: Do you want to marry him?
Melania: I’m not answering that.
Howard: You don’t even care. You’re perfect. And what do you do, go over there every night and have sex?
Melania: That’s true. We have a great, great time.
Howard: Every night you have sex?
Melania: Even more.
Howard: You ever steal money from his wallet?
Melania: No, I never do that.
Howard: You like to go to beaches?
Melania: I do.
Howard: What do you wear?
Melania: Actually, I like to take more private . . . bikini on the beach.
Howard: Bikini or thong?
Melania: Thong. When I say “bikini,” I mean thong. I don’t want to have a line. Lines on the body, not good.
Howard: And you have a big chest for a model.
Melania: Mm-hmm.
Howard: Do you like a man with soft, dimpled buttocks? ’Cause that’s me. Let me tell you, you are perfect.
Melania: Oh, thank you. Do you want to speak with Donald?
Howard: She’s tired of me.
Melania: Take care. Bye-bye.
Donald: So what do you think of that, Howard?
Howard: Jesus Christ.
Donald: How’s that accent? How’s that voice?
Howard: Boy, that chick is something. And she’s not that chatty.
Donald: No, she’s very smart. Maybe too smart.
Howard: All right, Donald, I don’t want to keep you from having sex. Have you had sex today?
Donald: I can’t answer that.
Howard: Is she naked?
Donald: She is naked, actually. It’s a thing of beauty.
Howard: Ugh.
Robin: This is a [presidential] candidate we’re talking about.
Donald: That’s right. You’re now dealing with a candidate, Howard! Is this your average interview with a presidential candidate, Robin?
Howard: You know what? This is why you’d be a great candidate, because you’re refreshingly honest. Clinton’s doing the same stuff, he just won’t talk about it.
Donald: The level of quality is not there either, Howard.
Howard: Hey, Donald, listen: we’re going to follow your candidacy. You have an open invitation on this show. Donald Trump is a great friend of this show, and “President Trump” will be a reality. Thank you.
Donald: Take care of yourself.