I’ve never understood why people are so freaked out by talking about sex. We are animals. We procreate. We are no different from dogs or cats or anything else on this planet when it comes to sex. We have intercourse and then we have babies. That’s what we’re talking about. The whole notion that somehow this is disgusting is shameful and absurd. I think that’s how you really get screwed up—by not talking about sex.
Much to my friends’ delight, my mother got me a subscription to Playboy when I was thirteen. Our family was always making jokes about sex. They were very liberal about it. The family attitude was, “You want to make a joke about sex, then go ahead. What’s the big deal?” So that’s what I did when I started out in radio. Honest to God, I didn’t do it to shock people. Not at first. But when I saw how outraged people were, and they started labeling me the devil and saying that I should be censored, then I absolutely had to run with it.
Many of those godly, upstanding people were the ones who really had issues. They were the real freaks. They were the politicians who would talk about the sanctity of marriage and how God intended it to be between a man and a woman, and then they’d end up getting busted trying to cop a blow job in an airport men’s room. Meanwhile, I had been in a long-term marriage for twenty-five years, and after that ended I got involved in another long-term relationship and marriage that’s still going strong twenty years later. Turns out I’m the boring monogamous guy.
What’s interesting now is how society has changed since I started on radio—how talking about sex isn’t as big of a deal anymore. Look at how widely accepted porn has become. I suppose I deserve some credit for making people comfortable about bodily functions. Sex is okay. It’s nothing to be uptight about.
That’s part of the reason that back in 1995 I brought on two lesbians to make out on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I thought it was ridiculous that anyone could be shocked by two women kissing. Leno actually cut the camera away when they locked lips. He wouldn’t let viewers at home see it. Even so, it sure got people talking about lesbianism. Looking back now, it probably seems like a really crass stunt, but you had to shock people to get them to wake up.
Now they are awake. Maybe not everyone. There are still a lot of homophobes out there and people who are super-repressed. Overall, though, we are much more open to discussing our sex lives. That’s been great for my interviews. Now I don’t have to be so outrageous and provocative. I’m able to have very open and honest conversations about sex and how that factors into my guests’ relationships. They are much more comfortable sharing that part of themselves. And when they don’t want to go there, I’m way more understanding than I was in the past. I no longer get angry or feel bitter when a guest doesn’t open up about their romantic life, because I understand wanting to guard a relationship. I feel similarly protective of my intimacy with Beth. That is sacred to me.
While psychotherapy has been a key part of my evolution, Beth has been just as essential. The biggest and most wonderful surprise in my life is the incredible love affair I have with her. Because this book is about opening up emotionally and having true, meaningful growth that leads to extraordinary conversation and interviews, it would be impossible to discount how important her friendship is. Words cannot describe the change in my attitude and spirit because of Beth. I am beyond lucky to have experienced her warmth and love. I have always felt safe when I am with her, and I am humbled by the charitable work she does. We’ve been together for nineteen years, and every day I thank God she wanted to be with me. You know I’m head over heels because I call her “Sweet Love.” Yes, her name is “Sweet Love.” Howard Stern, me—I call my wife “Sweet Love.” She is a saint. Mother Teresa . . . well, like Mother Teresa in a bikini. Yes, a great beauty but so much more. Day in and day out she works tirelessly on behalf of animal charities. If she is sick or exhausted, she never complains about her daily routine of cleaning litter boxes and administering medication to the over nine hundred cats we’ve found loving homes for. I’ve seen her fearlessly reach into bushes to pluck out feral cats, swoop in and rescue distressed animals without regard for her personal safety. She works to raise funds to build animal shelters and is a tireless advocate for our four-legged friends. There isn’t a day that goes by that she isn’t on her Instagram account trying to match homeless animals with the best situation possible. (Check her out at @bethostern.)
Beth brought peace to my life. I remember the first time I saw her. It was a rainy, cold night in Manhattan. Friends had invited me to a dinner party, and she was there on a blind date, and we ended up talking. There was this light around her. She was just glowing. I was drawn to her. I guess that great philosopher Paula Abdul was right when she sang that opposites attract. She’s blonde and I have dark hair. She loves to socialize and I’m a bit of a hermit. I’m sarcastic and can be an avalanche of negativity while she is so uplifting and positive. If I’m King Kong, she’s Fay Wray. I’m the Beast to her Beauty, Belle. You get the idea. She balances me out. When I talk about being in a lighter place, that’s the light she brought into my life.
Getting into a relationship where I was satisfied and feeling like there was all this love in my life opened me up in the same way psychotherapy did. I don’t think I could have had one without the other. If I didn’t have that component of a deep relationship, I’m not sure all of this other stuff would have kicked in. With Beth’s encouragement, there was a general shift in my attitude.
She often gets invited to read her children’s book at elementary schools. One day she was sitting and reading to a group of kids, and afterward this girl came up to Beth and started poking her and looked up and said, “Are you real? Are you real?” When you see Beth, you’re not sure if she’s Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. I feel the same way as that kid. Sometimes I’ll look at her and think, “Is this really happening? How could this person love me? How am I so lucky to be loved by someone who’s so giving and warm, generous and kind? Is she real?” I guess that’s the definition of a dream girl, and nineteen years in I still feel that way about her. The love that Beth gives me definitely leads to an empathy and generosity of spirit that carries over into my interviews.
JEFF BRIDGES
Howard: How do you decide what movies you’re going to do now? How many do you do a year?
Jeff: I have a weird method.
Howard: What do you do?
Jeff: I resist working as much as I possibly can, because I’d love to do other things. I like my music, my family, hanging out with my wife.
Howard: Does it feel like a chore to have to go do a movie?
Jeff: No. Even before I was as successful as I am, I always had that thing. I resist. I resist just about doing everything. Getting married, any big decision in life, I resist.
Howard: How long did it take you to get married? How many years did you date your wife?
Jeff: About three years—living with my wife for about three years.
Howard: Why couldn’t you commit? Because you’re famous and with a lot of options?
Jeff: I have this theory. I don’t know if this holds water, but it’s just that if death is the end of the story, how the story ends, then marriage is a giant step in that direction. Actually, the fear of marriage is the fear of death.
HUGH HEFNER
Howard: You’re not into guy-on-guy action, right?
Hugh: Listen, over the years, I’ve witnessed every variation on the theme. But no, definitely not.
Howard: Yeah, it’s not like you and Bill Maher are getting into a swordfight.
Hugh: Back in the seventies, you know, when it was a more swinging time, there were more mixed doubles. But not in the last twenty years.
Howard: What men were lucky enough to be with you and all those babes? Jimmy Caan? Bill Cosby? Were those two in the corner with their pants down? What about Larry King, has he ever been up there?
Hugh: Where would I be without everyone else’s fantasies?
Howard: And you don’t wear a rubber?
Hugh: Only when it rains.
Howard: I heard you knocked up one of these babes, is that true?
Hugh: Never.
Howard: No?
Hugh: In my entire life, the only women to become pregnant were my wives.
Howard: Really? Now, how do you do that? The withdrawal method?
Hugh: Well, I know what I’m doing.
Howard: You must.
Hugh: Practice, practice, practice.
Howard: And how do you do divorce so well? I never hear them say a bad word about you.
Hugh: Well, my ex lives next door with the two kids. I see her every day.
Howard: Is that the move? Keep your enemies close.
Hugh: It certainly works better than when we were all together.
JENNY MCCARTHY
Jenny: I’m very sexual, as you know. I’m a Scorpio. I love sex.
Howard: Were you always sexual? Or when you were younger, were you just the type of girl that would lay there, and then you realized that you could unleash your sexuality? Most girls who look like you don’t put out that much.
Jenny: I didn’t. I mean, I had a high school sweetheart for seven years. I was only with him. I masturbated on top of my teddy bear. He did all the dirty work, so to speak, until my mom sold it in a garage sale, which was really hard on me.
Howard: You would rub your clitoris into the teddy bear?
Jenny: Yes, I would just sit on it, so to speak.
Robin: Some kid got that teddy?
Jenny: Some guy bought the teddy bear for his kid, which is beyond embarrassing.
Howard: That was your move as a little kid? You would rub into your teddy bear.
Jenny: I didn’t know about masturbation. The first time I had an orgasm, I didn’t know what it was. I’m like, “Something just happened to my body.” I tried to look it up in the dictionary because we didn’t have Internet.
Howard: You looked up what? “Teddy bear rubbing my vagina”?
Jenny: No, “body-something.” I just didn’t know, and then one of my girlfriends was like, “That’s an orgasm.”
Howard: How old were you when you started rubbing your vagina into your teddy bear?
Jenny: I would say I was in eighth grade.
Howard: You were having orgasms in eighth grade.
Jenny: Yes.
Howard: But you didn’t know what you were doing?
Jenny: I didn’t know.
Howard: You just knew it felt good.
Jenny: I just know Tubby the bear was awesome.
ALANIS MORISSETTE
Robin: As a result of being in showbiz, did you start dating very young?
Alanis: I did. I started dating secretively when I was twelve.
Howard: At twelve you were having full sex?
Alanis: No. Dating and sex are not necessarily synonymous, Howard.
Howard: At twelve you had a boyfriend. What age were you when you lost your virginity?
Alanis: Well, I was the Catholic mind-set—can’t lose your virginity or you’re a whore kind of mind-set—for a really long time. I considered myself to be sexually active all through my teen years, starting at fourteen or fifteen.
Howard: But no intercourse?
Alanis: No intercourse until later.
Gary Dell’Abate [producer]: Was the first guy Dave Coulier?
Alanis: Yes.
Howard: Oh my God, you poor woman. You’re telling me your first was Dave Coulier from Full House?
Alanis: Yes.
Howard: You know, the woman who first had sex with me, the one I lost my virginity to, said, “I don’t want to have sex with you. I don’t want to be your first because you will always remember me as your first, and I don’t want to be trapped in your head the rest of my life.”
Alanis: No.
Howard: Write a song about that.
Alanis: How old were you?
Howard: I was a young sixteen. A very gawky and awkward sixteen. You decided to give your virginity to Dave. Why Dave?
Alanis: I was in love. And ready.
Robin: How old was he?
Alanis: I don’t even remember. I always dated older men, though, that was the norm for me at the time.
Howard: You were nineteen?
Alanis: Yes.
Howard: He was, what, thirty-four?
Alanis: Something like that. Early thirties.
Howard: My God, that’s scandalous.
Alanis: Is it?
Howard: Were your parents upset?
Alanis: No, I dated people with a bigger range between our ages than that.
Howard: Really? How big a range?
Alanis: I think the biggest gap between the ages would have been when I was about seventeen I dated someone around your age, Howard.
Howard: My age?
Alanis: Yes.
Howard: Who was that person? Was it Jack Nicholson? You’re kidding me. Didn’t your parents get alarmed?
Alanis: I think they were a little alarmed, but they also knew that I was this freak of nature in many ways.
Howard: You’re very mature.
Alanis: At the time. Although emotionally, clearly immature as a young person.
GEORGE TAKEI
Howard: There’s a lot of gay action in Central Park supposedly.
George: Oh there was, yes. The Ramble.
Howard: According to what I’ve been told, you go in there and there are guys with their dicks out and you can suck ’em off or beat ’em off. Is that true?
George: It’s true.
Howard: You ever been?
George: I have. You do dangerous, sleazy things in your wild youth.
Howard: How old were you when you did that?
George: I was in my early twenties.
Robin: You didn’t do it during your Star Trek years.
George: It was before Star Trek.
Howard: You went in there to the woods and—
George: And got a little relief.
Howard: What time of day?
George: Late at night.
Robin: Did you let people do things to you or did you do things to people?
George: Both. It’s very shallow. You just go by how he looks, and there are very little words exchanged.
Robin: You’re not seeing this person ever again?
George: No, no. You’re just going there to get relief.
Howard: Boy, it’d be great if they had parks like that for heterosexuals. I’m jealous. You mean, you just go into the Ramble and you see some dude and you think, “Oh, he’s attractive,” and then he just walks up to you and starts jerking you off or blowing you?
George: Yeah, exactly.
Howard: Whoa.
George: It’s very impersonal.
Howard: But exciting.
George: Very exciting. The danger is part of it. The possibility that he could be a policeman, he could have a knife on him, he could be a lunatic, he could be diseased. Who knows? There’s that tingle of excitement.
Howard: So if I’m a gay man I could go to the Ramble and stick my penis out and wait for someone to show up.
George: With you, I don’t even think you’d have to have your penis out.
Robin: “Oh God, Howard Stern is here?”
Howard: Quite frankly, with my penis I don’t even think it would hang out. My fly would be open and a little nub would be sticking out.
George: You have a pimple down there.
Howard: It ain’t much. I mean, I would love to hang something out of my trousers.
George: You know, you’re an amazing man to be talking about the size of your penis on radio.
Howard: Well, I’d do it on TV but they won’t let me.
BRYAN CRANSTON
Howard: When you were having all this sex as an actor in the seventies, was it a wild scene? Were there two and three women at a time?
Bryan: I’ve been with a couple women before, yeah.
Howard: No kidding.
Robin: How’d you manage that?
Bryan: It was the seventies, Robin.
Howard: I was in the seventies. I couldn’t get one woman. So you would go to an orgy and experience multiple women at once?
Bryan: No, I was at a party. This only happened once. It was almost by accident. I went into another room with a girl, and we were making out. And we flopped onto the bed. A girl walks out of the bathroom. And now I’m embarrassed—I didn’t know if it was her house or where I was. And she came over and now was sitting down next to us. And she places a hand on the other girl’s leg. You don’t know if the other girl’s gonna flinch from that. But she didn’t flinch. It was almost like they were telepathically telling each other what they wanted to do, because not a word was spoken. It wasn’t, “What are you guys doing? Can I join you?” It was something on some meta level that only women hear.
Howard: The seventies were great.
Bryan: The seventies were that. And it’s pre-AIDS.
Howard: You didn’t wear a rubber for that, right?
Bryan: No. Nuh-uh. Because every single girl was on the pill. And if you got the clap or crabs, it was like a badge of honor.
Howard: Did you ever get the clap?
Bryan: No. I did get crabs once. So I go to a free clinic in LA, ’cause I didn’t have any money. And you sign up. And you have to state, “What is your complaint?” And I put, “Some itching.” But I didn’t want to say where. And then they go, “Bryan Cranston, come to the desk. You have itching. What area?” They’re behind glass. And there’s twenty-seven other people looking at you.
Howard: Why do think you chose to get married? You were on such a roll.
Bryan: Well, I got married young. I was twenty-three years old when I first got married. Lovely girl. She wanted to get married and have kids and things like that, and I was just starting my career. And it was just . . . cowardice, actually. I shouldn’t have.
Howard: Did you know the day of your wedding you were making a mistake?
Bryan: No, but my brother did. My brother Kyle says to me, while we’re getting dressed, he’s putting on my bow tie, and he goes, “I can just walk out there and I’ll tell everybody it’s off. It’s over. You don’t have to go through with it.” And I’m looking at him like, “What are you talking about?”
Howard: At the time, I can imagine you were mad at Kyle.
Bryan: A little bit, yeah. I was like, “Come on.”
Howard: And then, years later when you’re getting your divorce, you’re like, “God, why didn’t I listen to my brilliant brother?”
Bryan: He knew. He knew.
SARAH SILVERMAN
Sarah: I’ve had to switch over in my porn. I don’t know how you can still watch all this babysitter porn. For me, my search words were always very gang bang. Very dominant. Stuff like that.
Howard: I don’t like that.
Sarah: So I had to stop watching it because my nieces got into their early twenties, and it’s so hypocritical ’cause that’s when guys go, “I’m a feminist because I have a mother and daughter.” And it’s like, “Well, even if you didn’t, women exist, you fuck.” But now I’m the same way. It shouldn’t have taken me my nieces getting into their twenties. Now I can’t stomach watching a twenty-year-old get gangbanged. ’Cause I feel bad, you know?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Howard: Is it a mistake to fall in love with your costar? Whether it’d be someone as big as Bradley Cooper, a good-looking guy like that, or the director you were in a relationship with, Darren Aronofsky, is it a mistake ultimately to be in a relationship with somebody in the business?
Jennifer: I don’t think so. I think, one, you don’t really have a choice. If you’re falling in love, you’re falling in love. Just be a professional about it.
Howard: Will a camera guy approach you and ask you on a date?
Jennifer: No. I do the approaching.
Howard: You do that?
Robin: You don’t mind? Just go on up and—
Jennifer: I’m always an aggressor. I make sure that they don’t have a girlfriend or wife or something, or a boyfriend.
Howard: How many douchebags approach you on a daily basis with just the wrong approach?
Jennifer: I don’t get hit on. My sex life is not lit.
Howard: Really? Are men afraid because you are a big earner and they think you’re out of their league?
Jennifer: I don’t know. The ones that do, I’m like, “Really?” I’m just kidding.
Howard: It’s a little sad, right?
Jennifer: My life?
Howard: No, isn’t it hard to know when someone really loves you at this level?
Jennifer: No, it’s not really hard. Not at all. No. I can tell within five seconds of talking to somebody. There’s an excitement in someone’s eyes that I have always been able to spot immediately. It’s the excitement in the eyes. I don’t know how to tell you. It’s like a flicker, and I can spot it.
RUSSELL BRAND
Howard: You’re smart enough to know that when you’re going around fucking tons of women, you’re hurting a lot of people.
Russell: I’m not! I’m being very nice to them.
Howard: Yes, you are.
Russell: What do you mean, Howard? I’m very loving, and I make it very clear—
Howard: Yeah, but you’re a star, and they think they’re gonna be the one, and that they’re gonna convert you into being monogamous. And you know they get hurt.
Russell: Howard, I swear to you, I’m very, very loving.
Howard: So, what do you tell them to be loving?
Russell: Right, I’ll tell you. Imagine it’s you.
Howard: Okay.
Russell: I go, “Look, we’re alive here for a short time. I think you’re beautiful. I think there’s divinity within you. I think there’s divinity within me. Let us connect this divinity.”
Howard: I cannot believe you ever get laid with that line. You’re lucky you’re good-looking.
Robin: And famous and rich!
Howard: Can you imagine a guy coming up to you and saying, “Hey, there’s divinity in you, and divinity in me”?
Russell: But it’s the truth!
ANDY COHEN
Howard: People would be shocked to know this story from your new book. Which you have not revealed yet.
Andy: Right.
Howard: You met a heterosexual couple in Boston.
Andy: On my book tour for the last book. He said, “This is my cell phone number. Seriously. We want to party with you.” And I said, “Oh okay. Interesting.” I get home, and I’m a little soused up. It’s around 1:30 in the morning.
Howard: You’re in a hotel, I presume?
Andy: Yes. And I text the guy. I’m about to go to bed. I said to him, “I want you to be very direct with me and tell me exactly why you gave me your number tonight.”
Howard: Good for you. I believe in that.
Andy: In the morning I wake up to a fantastic series of texts. They have explored recently with other women. They’ve never been with a guy. He’s never been with a guy in his life.
Howard: Uh-oh. This is right up your alley.
Robin: Fantasy central.
Andy: And being a good boyfriend, he has said to her, “Is that something that’s on your mind?” And she has said to him, “Listen, there are only two guys in the world I would ever be with. Paul Walker, who is dead, and Andy Cohen, who is gay.” [He says,] “We would be willing to meet you, smoke it up and see where this goes.”
Howard: Okay, now we’re on.
Andy: One of the things that was on my turning-forty bucket list was, “How cool would it be to lose my virginity?” In my mind, if I ever did it I would want to do it with a straight couple.
Howard: You might fuck a woman.
Andy: That would be the goal. He sent me an incredible dick pic that really engaged me.
Howard: Whoa.
Andy: I start texting everyone I know. I text Kelly Ripa the dick pic. And I go, “Just FYI. Do you see this couple? Your boy is losing his virginity tonight.” I said to them, “Find a cozy spot in the hotel lobby bar and I will meet you there after my signing.” They almost faint when I walk in the door. And we wound up having a really great ninety-minute hangout.
Howard: When you’re having this conversation with them, is there any physical flirtation?
Andy: He and I are playing footsie a little bit, on and off.
Howard: No shit.
Andy: Which was engaging me intensely. As it went on, it became clear to me that I wasn’t going that night to lose my virginity. I don’t think she, for her first time with two guys, one of them being me, was ready for that intense of an experience.
Howard: Do you think she just wanted to watch her boyfriend fuck around with another guy?
Andy: Could be.
Howard: And what do you care?
Andy: Love it. Fantastic.
Howard: So what happens? You go upstairs.
Andy: We went upstairs.
Howard: What was she wearing, by the way?
Andy: She was wearing tight jeans, boots—
Howard: Compare her to a celebrity.
Andy: She looks a little Rebecca Romijn-y.
Howard: No kidding! That hot?
Andy: She’s Jewish.
Howard: A Jewish Romijn?
Andy: Yeah.
Howard: Wow.
Andy: We wound up naked.
Howard: What happens?
Andy: What happens is a little bit of everything.
Howard: Did you touch her? Did you touch her va-jine?
Andy: Little bit.
Howard: Was it like, “Ew”?
Andy: No, it was nice. It was nice. She had great boobs.
Howard: Is he jerking you off while you’re touching her?
Andy: He’s slowly . . .
Howard: Touching?
Andy: Yeah, yeah.
Howard: So the involvement with the girl—I mean, wish she could just fucking jump out the window—but you’re playing around with her. He’s probably making out with her a little bit.
Andy: They really then went at it.
Howard: Did you have to watch them fuck?
Andy: Yes. And it was awesome.
Howard: You liked it?
Andy: Loved it.
Howard: Why? What did you love about it?
Andy: What’s not to like? It was gorgeous.
Howard: And what do you do while they’re fucking? Do you masturbate?
Andy: I look for openings that I can, you know, get in. He and I kind of then wound up . . . uh, you know . . . finishing up.
Howard: Doing what?
Andy: Just jerking off.
Howard: That’s it.
Andy: Yeah.
Robin: So you’re still a virgin.
Andy: Yes. But I’m starting a major book tour. Come to my event in Boston Friday night if you’re a couple and then I’ll start writing the sequel.
Howard: This story is in the new book.
Andy: I’m telling you much more than is in my book. Because it’s you, and he’s a huge fan of yours.
Howard: By the way, Stephen King is right now killing himself.
Robin: His book tours never turn out like this.
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Howard: You party a lot and everything? You one of those guys that has taken advantage of your newfound fame?
Dave: Nah, I can’t. See, my girlfriend is pregnant.
Howard: What is with that? I mean—
Dave: Well . . . we had sex.
Howard: Where did you get this girlfriend?
Dave: In Brooklyn.
Howard: Brooklyn? Is that right? She’s not a white chick, is she?
Dave: Noooo. She’s Filipino. Which is, like, neutral.
Howard: Filipino? Well, that’s almost a white woman.
Dave: Naw, that’s neutral. They the black Asians.
Howard: Does she speak English?
Dave: Yeah. She don’t speak Tagalog. She speaks only English.
Howard: That’s not one of those girls you get sent over from the Philippines and pay her father.
Robin: You didn’t buy her from a magazine?
Dave: No, no, I didn’t order her out the mail.
Howard: Now, what are you going to do when this baby is born? Are you going to marry this Filipino gal?
Dave: See, there’s a good question. Actually we got plans on getting married.
Howard: You’re in love?
Dave: Yeah, man.
Howard: You don’t look at other women?
Dave: I mean, I’m a man. I’m gonna look at other women sometimes.
Howard: But you’re willing to, for the rest of your life, not have sex—
Dave: See, I can’t think about it like that. Let me ask you this: Do you think you would have made it being single? Now, think about this. For real. Do you think you would have made it being a single man?
Howard: Well, gee, I would like to think that I had some talent and that perhaps I would have made it.
Dave: But talent and focus are two different things.
Howard: I hear what you’re saying. I don’t think I would have been as focused. You’re right.
Dave: Yeah, going out kills it, man.
Howard: It does. But I gotta tell you something: even though I’m single now, every night during the week I live like a monk. I’m focused. I don’t go out.
Robin: That’s not true. I hear that that’s not true.
Howard: I do not go out. You can hear whatever you want.
Dave: You’re single with married-man habits.
Howard: Yes, I am.
Dave: And you know what’s out there.
Howard: I know. I know what’s going on.
Dave: The booty’s a booby trap.
Howard: It is.
Dave: It’s not safe out there.
Howard: It can throw off your focus. So you’re saying that you would just stay focused and get married to this Filipino girl?
Dave: Yes.
Howard: And that’s gonna be your life?
Dave: That’s gonna be my ticket out. You know, you got to think of these women like frequent flyer miles. I mean, if you doing nice things with this girl, and nice things with that girl, it never adds up. You got to get all your miles on one airline.
PAMELA ANDERSON
Howard: There was a guy in high school who gang-raped you.
Pamela: With his friends.
Howard: This is fucking crazy.
Pamela: I know. I wrote it all out the other day because I’m writing my new book. I was like, “Wow. I survived a lot.” But everybody survives a lot. Everyone has gone through stuff. We’re quick to judge people but they’ve probably had some craziness go on in their life.
Howard: You were a fourteen- or fifteen-year-old girl living in Canada, and you were gang-raped. Most people don’t come back from that.
Pamela: And that was after the molestation when I was young. Then I had an older man try and teach me backgammon and raped me right after that. My first boyfriend kicked me out of moving cars. It was very violent. He tried to run me over all the time.
Robin: You’re so beautiful. You’d think men would be so happy to be with you.
Pamela: I think I’m a button-pusher. I think I provoke people into craziness. Because it seems that even in my relationships I drive people completely insane. I don’t know.
Howard: I think men want to own you. They want to take ownership of you. And they forget you’re a human being and you might not want to go along with the program.
Pamela: I go along for a while. And when I don’t want to do it anymore, I really don’t want to do it. “I’m serious. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not a game. Bye!”
Howard: But men go, “Hey, wait a second, honey. You can’t leave me.” When you were gang-raped you couldn’t tell your parents.
Pamela: I had hickeys all over my body because that’s what they did to me. I went home and my dad grounded me until the hickeys were gone. So I didn’t want to say anything. I was already in enough trouble.
Howard: Did you ever go into therapy for what’s happened to you?
Pamela: I have been in therapy on and off for the last twenty years with this Jungian analyst who I love. We go into that. But I think I’ve done pretty good for myself. I think I’m a happy person. It probably has affected my choices. But I don’t regret my choices.
Howard: Do you think you could ever really be in a good relationship and trust a man? Or have men broken the trust too many times for you to ever be in a loving relationship?
Pamela: I don’t know. Because I’m not there yet.
Howard: When you first started to do Playboy, was there any fear? Did you say to yourself, “I’ve been getting all this horrible attention from men. If I put myself out there naked, more shit is going to go wrong.”
Pamela: I thought I empowered myself. I felt like I turned it around. Like, “This is my choice.” I took charge of it.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Howard: Relationships are complicated, you know? When you’re as good-looking as you or me—and I relate to you in this respect—we could have anyone we want. It’s always been that way for me.
Robert: People say that about being an actor or whatever, and I always think it actually kind of narrows things down. For one thing, you get all paranoid about everything. You have no idea why people like you or whatever. And then also, most people may think they want to have a relationship with you, but then they start a relationship with you and they actually realize, “This is not what I want at all.” You get all the craziness. You can’t do anything. There’s basically a big imbalance in the relationship. It’s tough.
Howard: I never looked at it that way. You’re right. It does sort of narrow it down. You can’t just go to a restaurant and pick up some girl. You could be looking at all kinds of legal problems. People are out to get you.
Robert: That’s the other thing too, yeah.
Howard: The woman you’re with is a really good singer.
Robert: FKA Twigs.
Howard: And there’s a racial element to that. I can’t believe in this day and age that she gets shit from your fans because she’s a black woman. People write her nasty things.
Robert: I think it’s just professional trolls. They get so addicted to wanting to cause hurt and pain on someone. And it’s one of the most difficult things to know how to confront, really. It’s a faceless enemy. If someone came up in the street and said it, that’s one thing. You’d know what to do. You’d know what to say. But when it’s literally just a little random name on Instagram—
Howard: Some asshole in his basement.
Robert: And they’re probably in a different country somewhere. It’s just crazy. It might seem fake to them, but it’s real in your life. And you think, “Oh, you can turn it off, whatever.” Just to know it’s there. It’s like if you know there’s one room in your house where, if you listen up against the wall, you can hear everyone talking shit about you. Even if you don’t go to that room, whenever you feel bad about yourself you’re gonna go down there and start listening to the whispers.
Howard: I agree with you. I think it’s the hardest thing. And as a guy, we try to fix things. I know if someone attacks my wife on Twitter—you get crazy. You want to go, “Fuck, I’m gonna go protect you.” And you can’t protect anyone from anything. You feel helpless.
Robert: I feel like you’re feeding it. I feel like it makes me feel less powerful. You’re trying to attack a reflection in the water; you just look crazy. The only way to show some kind of strength is to say, “None of this shit touches me.”
GILBERT GOTTFRIED
Howard: In your book, you describe how you actually picked up a stripper and brought her home to your apartment.
Gilbert: Yes, yes, that was amazing. I somehow, miraculously, got a stripper up to my apartment. That’s like one of those things if you’re writing a series they have certain rules with characters that you can’t break. You know, like if Fonzie did a ballet. He would never do that. This is something that would never work.
Howard: Were you at the club when you picked her up?
Gilbert: It was at some event I got hired for.
Howard: Was she impressed you were the comic at the event? Therefore you were able to show her that you were famous.
Gilbert: I guess so.
Howard: Because that doesn’t work for you, normally. Like, you’re so gross fame doesn’t even help you get laid.
Gilbert: Yes.
Howard: Somehow this stripper went for you.
Gilbert: Somehow we met for lunch, and I got her up to my apartment. And I’m on the couch with her and we start making out. I’m going out of my mind.
Howard: Are you the guy who slams his tongue down a girl’s throat right away?
Gilbert: Yeah, not that light kissing stuff. It’s like the Roto-Rooter man. We’re on the couch and I’m thinking, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m making out with this stripper.” Then the clothes start coming off and she’s wearing this Victoria’s Secret–type underwear.
Howard: Wow. She was prepared.
Gilbert: Oh yeah.
Howard: Are you like, “I’ll get as much as I can before she comes to her senses”?
Gilbert: Right. I get into bed with her. She’s totally naked, and she’s got one of these stripper asses that is rock hard. It looks like a cartoon in Playboy. I was getting ready to do her doggy-style. And there’s her ass up in the air that’s just perfection, as is the rest of her. I get my dick in. And if I say I lasted a full two and a half seconds I’d be lying. I don’t even know if I moved it once. I just exploded.
Howard: I’d pay anything to see you fuck.
Gilbert: That would be a sex tape that would sell. I think my dick was inside her half a second and then boom. She looks over her shoulder, like, shocked and horrified.
Howard: She’s like, “This guy doesn’t look good but maybe he can fuck. . . . Oh, it’s over.”
Gilbert: Just this horrified look. Like she saw the Loch Ness monster. And she goes, “Did . . . did you . . . ?” And I’m there in total ecstasy, like [panting], “Yeah . . . yeah.”
Howard: So did she get dressed and leave?
Gilbert: Oh yeah.
Howard: You talk about a walk of shame. That’s the walk of shame: coming out of Gilbert Gottfried’s apartment after he blew his load.
KATY PERRY
Howard: “I Kissed a Girl.” What gives you an idea like this? You’ve never actually kissed a girl, right?
Katy: Yes I have.
Howard: You had lesbian sex?
Katy: No, that was incorrect, but thank you for asking.
Howard: You never tried it. You’re twenty-three, right?
Katy: Yes.
Howard: You lost your virginity at how old?
Katy: We’re getting into that. Let’s take it, then. It was out front of a construction site in Nashville, Tennessee, at seventeen. It didn’t last long, and neither did the relationship.
Howard: You did kiss a girl and liked a girl, though? It’s based on the truth.
Katy: It is based on the truth. I just want to make one thing really clear, because there’s a lot of rumors going around: she’s really hot.
Howard: Did she have cherry ChapStick? Was that really true?
Katy: She probably had some kind of vanilla bean Bath and Body Works concoction.
Howard: Where were you that you met this girl that inspired the song?
Katy: There was actually not one particular girl that inspired the song, but the girl that I did kiss I met through friends.
Howard: Okay, were you at a party?
Katy: No, we were just having cocktails at a bar with our other friends.
Howard: Does this girl know this song is about her?
Howard: How did you end up kissing this girl at the bar? She just leaned in and started making out with you?
Katy: Yes.
Howard: Wow. You did kiss a girl, and you liked it.
Katy: I think that girls are beautiful creatures.
Howard: Would you like to make love to a girl?
Katy: I’m not so sure I would go necessarily all the way. I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of commitment to another crazy personality as myself.
ADAM LEVINE
Howard: Congratulations. The “World’s Sexiest Man” is getting married.
Adam: I’m getting married.
Howard: The woman you’re marrying is probably in shock. Because you are a bit of a ladies’ man.
Adam: Yeah, I have been.
Howard: What made you decide to stop the party?
Adam: It’s so cheesy and stupid, but you know how everyone says, “When you know, you know”? It’s kind of fucking true. Sometimes it clicks and you’re there.
Howard: Sometimes the timing is right too, because you’ve got it out of your system.
Adam: I’ve gotten plenty out of my system. As far as I was concerned, I was cool with being single forever. I had just come out of a relationship.
Howard: I remember. I was admiring of you because you seemed to be handling single life very well.
Adam: I didn’t have any plans to do anything. I was free. I thought I was going to be single for a while. That’s when it gets you. I was like, “Oh my God, I just met this person at this point. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” But that’s when you know.
AZIZ ANSARI
Howard: Arranged marriage for your parents?
Aziz: Arranged marriage, yeah.
Howard: Unbelievable. They knew each other for a couple of hours or something, then got married.
Aziz: Not even. My dad told his parents he was ready to get married.
Howard: How old was he?
Aziz: Maybe he was a little younger than I am now.
Howard: So in his thirties.
Aziz: Yeah. So what they do is the families—his parents found some parents of a daughter around my dad’s age. And he said she was too tall. Then he met this other girl and said she was too short. Then he met my mom and was like, “Okay, she’s the perfect height. Let’s do this.”
Robin: It’s like Goldilocks!
Howard: Did you ever say to your dad, “You’re entering this marriage, this social contract . . .” And it is a contract between two people. A couple hours, and then they got married!
Aziz: He said it was like thirty minutes! But you know, I’ve read a lot about arranged marriages, and they find that in the long term people in arranged marriages are really happy. ’Cause they really invest in the commitment to the relationship. So it starts off kind of cold, then builds to a boil. Whereas here I feel like everyone’s looking for “boil” immediately. And after a while, you know . . .
Howard: Are they still married?
Aziz: Still married. Happier than any older white people that I know.
Howard: Unbelievable.
MEGYN KELLY
Howard: Would you ever get implants?
Megyn: No, I don’t think so.
Howard: You’re a C cup, aren’t you?
Megyn: My husband calls ’em “Killer Bs.” It’s funny, we used to call ’em the “Killer Bs,” and then when I got pregnant they became “Swimming Cs” and Doug [Brunt] was frolickin’ in the ocean.
Howard: Really? So you and Doug still have a good sex life? Even after the baby? You know that that’s a real issue.
Megyn: Well, there’s a certain period of time where that’s not possible. You know, after you have the baby that’s off limits for a while.
Howard: You had sex during your pregnancy?
Megyn: There were no issues.
Howard: Even in the third trimester?
Megyn: Even in the third trimester. That’s all I’m gonna say. Yeah, we never had any trouble in that department.
Howard: No kidding? Your husband’s a real man.
Megyn: You know, I think it’s Dr. Phil who says, “When the sex is bad it’s 95% of a marriage. When it’s good it’s 5% of a marriage.” And for us it’s 5% of the marriage.
SETH MEYERS
Seth: In Chicago, I was taking classes at a place called ImprovOlympic. That’s where I got to meet a lot of people. That’s the first time I got to see Tina Fey and Amy Poehler perform was there.
Howard: But you weren’t in Second City.
Seth: I wasn’t in Second City. And then these guys from Chicago started an improv theater that was like Second City in Amsterdam, in Holland. And I auditioned for that, and moved to Amsterdam for two years.
Howard: So you did comedy in Amsterdam.
Seth: Did comedy in Amsterdam.
Robin: Were you doing comedy in English?
Seth: Yes. The Dutch, especially the Amsterdam Dutch, they speak English incredibly well.
Howard: That’s crazy. I mean, that’s unbelievable.
Seth: It was the best.
Howard: But at the time did you realize it was the best?
Seth: Yes.
Howard: It reminds me of when I was in college, I got out and I saw an ad for a radio station in Alaska looking for DJs and I was like, “Oh shit, I gotta move to fucking Alaska?” But if I had to move to Amsterdam, I’d be like, “Oh my god!”
Seth: Living in Amsterdam when you’re twenty-three years old was not the worst thing in the world.
Howard: Are you a drug guy? Do you smoke a lot of weed?
Seth: I had smoked weed in college the way most people smoke weed in college. But living in Amsterdam is where I realized I don’t really like smoking weed.
Howard: Yeah, me neither. And then the other thing that’s legal there is prostitution. Did you try that?
Seth: No.
Howard: You never did it?
Seth: No, I never did.
Howard: Were you curious? Did you ever go see the windows?
Seth: I remember I had a friend—friends would visit me all the time, ’cause Amsterdam’s such a fun place to visit. And I remember walking home one night fairly inebriated and my friend was like, “Hey, I’m just gonna say it: should we get a prostitute?” And I said no. And he said, “No ‘no’? Or no ‘convince me’?” So, no. But it’s still a fascinating street to walk by. Like, when you walk in the red light district it’s crazy.
Howard: I was reading your wife is a prosecutor or something?
Seth: Yeah, she works for the Brooklyn DA.
Howard: She works for the Brooklyn DA and she prosecutes like sex trafficking crimes.
Seth: Yeah, she’s just starting there.
Howard: If you had a history of going to prostitutes, that would not have worked out.
Seth: No.
Howard: Do you ever feel like your job is completely ridiculous compared to hers? I mean, she’s really doing something so fucking important.
Seth: The part that’s even worse is my wife is very good at leaving it at the office. So I can’t come home and be like, “Ugh, I had a really rough day at SNL. None of my jokes worked. You have no idea how bad that feels.”
CHELSEA HANDLER
Howard: Are you dating someone now that is a romantic relationship, or is it just still this constant fucking?
Chelsea: Let me tell you something: I haven’t had sex in a year. Not now. But I went one full year—not purposely—I went a full year after my show.
Howard: Not even fingered?
Chelsea: No, no. You think I’m gonna get fingerblasted and not fucked? What kind of operation do you think I’m running? So all of a sudden nine months had gone by, and I was talking to my girlfriend—we were in Spain or something—and I go, “Oh my God, it’s been nine months since I’ve had sex.” And she’s like, “Oh my God, you can’t do that.” Like, I don’t want that on my résumé. And it’s not on purpose. It’s one thing if you’re going to try and be celibate, but I would never try and be celibate.
Howard: But how is that possible? You meet a hot guy—I know you—you walk right up to him and say, “I wanna fuck.” You’re that up-front.
Chelsea: No, I’m not like that. I’m a little shy when it comes to men I don’t know. I can be forthright in this atmosphere or medium or whatever. But I’m not just, like, walking up to men.
Howard: So for a year, men didn’t come up to you?
Chelsea: Yeah, some of them did. But nobody I was interested in. I could have sex with somebody. But I need to have sex with somebody I want to. But my other girlfriend said to me, “Don’t you think it would be cooler to go the year? You’re almost in the homestretch. Don’t you think it’d be a cooler move to not fuck anybody for a year and say you did that?” And she was right. And I did it.
Howard: You waited. And what did you learn?
Chelsea: Nothing.
Howard: Nothing. When I was single, I was on a mad tear to get laid. ’Cause I thought, “What if I die and I didn’t have the sexual experiences I should’ve had?” And so it became like a thing against the clock. You know what I mean? It became very, very important to me. During that year, did you ever say, “Oh my God, what am I doing?”
Chelsea: It’s like the opposite of your situation. Because I’ve had so much sex. So I didn’t care about it in the way that you would. It was doing the reverse. I was like, “Well, you know what? Maybe I should take a year off, obviously. Maybe it’ll save my life or something.”
JOHN F. KENNEDY JR.
Howard: So you’re growing up in high school. At what point do you realize that not only are you good-looking, you got power over women and you’re a Kennedy? At what point does it all kick in?
John: Well, the Kennedy part kicked in fairly early. The other part, I’m not sure it ever kicks in.