1     Ralph and I flew

LA – London

London – Singapore

Singapore – Kuala Lumpur.

1.1   In Singapore, we spent the night in the airport hotel.

1.2   The room was windowless, and smelled of concrete.

1.3   We smoked until our eyes burned. Showering made us feel better.

1.4   I lay on the chilly carpet, and wept. When Ralph stroked my back, I got annoyed.

2     The 30-minute hop to KL, then we caught a bus.

2.1   All day through the jungles and the windy plantations. Children waved, they demonstrated their yo-yos.

2.2   At every stop we bought a liter of water, parking lots smelled of rotting fruit.

2.3   All the Malays smiled. I wanted to shut my eyes.

3     We had lunch in Ipoh: a whole extended Chinese family cooked, stir-frying noodles as they talked.

3.1   Ralph made me eat and I was starving. Those wonderful noodles made me cry again: how happy people must be here.

3.2   And walked down to the pier. I cried mechanically and sweated. The sun made the view hurt. My brother was dead.

4     Just fucking sorrow. The ferry had backless pews. It was cool on the water, the little boat hurdled the waves, making breeze. Sea-birds followed in circles overhead, looking down at us.

4.1   “It’s the Indian Ocean,” said Ralph, and I wondered if he was right.

4.2   Once I had wondered, I felt better. I leaned my chin on the side of the boat.

4.3   “That’s my favorite ocean,” I said, remembering childhood. And added:

4.4   “It was Eddie’s favorite, too,” and we both laughed at the fact that even that made me cry. Ralph pressed my hand, he pressed my head to his chilly, sweat-damp chest.

5     Denise was waiting at the dock.

5.1   Long dark hair, blue dress, as she’d described herself. She looked summery, among the chatting fishermen.

5.2   She held a black urn in one hand.

5.3   Greeting us, she asked if I wanted to carry Eddie.