moonlit Eddie, going out

stopped at the totally monster bug-laden restaurant, hoping to shit they’d have a knife, but of course the assholes locked up, like who was out here to steal anything (he fumed, frustrated in his fucking stealing mission), so he took a pen cause that was all there was to steal and scribbled a stupid suicide note to disgrace himself for all time, then realized he was fucking drowning himself, so the note in the pocket deal was out, he had to go back to the goddamn room again, and Denise probably awake.

Only weirdly when he got there, his briefcase was outside, like she had put his stuff outside in total heartless assumption he was just walking out and not killing himself like he’d specifically said, only she still had his shoes. Like, where was he going to go barefoot. He whispered to the door, “Thanks, bitch.”

Then whispered to the door, “I love you.”

He bent and opened the briefcase. He put the suicide note in the empty briefcase and then got the tape from his pocket and put that in too. Like trusting and hoping nobody stole the briefcase while he was dying, cause you never knew, in a place like this, the fucking backpack fraternity.

At last (he thought in total frustration, like you kill yourself and it’s all this same annoying shit that goes wrong, just thank Christ it didn’t involve a bus ride, he’d be stuck on a fucking bus all night) he headed to the beach

watching his feet the whole way, shit scared of stepping on a bug when he was about to

Christ, he needed to die now

Christ, he couldn’t fucking take it

he scratched his face in the frenzy of, you fucking piece of shit man, disappear

and drown yourself, you fucking, something people used to know how to do, he didn’t even know, could he do it. Breathe water, which, why they had to be there, at the beach like he was in some fun beach mood

then a sick joy hit him, as if summoned by the thought of fun.

He stopped in his tracks. Everything became yellow and interesting. It passed.

and back down into hell. His skull felt wrong, there was some bad drug thing. And couldn’t think. Christ, he needed to die now, and

there was the beach, shiny white between the trees. He didn’t run but he thought about running. He realized no one would ever know he’d died, it would be like he’d never existed, he felt reassured and noble.

He strode through the last trees.

The sand was cool. For a second he wasn’t going to kill himself, he was just going to sit on the beach all night, and fuck them. He threw the pen into the sea. Stare at the moon all night though it was only a half-moon, and kind of beige.

He took a step into the water, and noticed the lambent sparkle.

He thought of germs. The whole joke of it washed over him and he began to stagger into the waves, but something enormous came into his head that wasn’t a thought, that was like a physical object entering his head, he screamed. He tried to stop it with his hands.