Eight

Beyond the Bows and Wows

Dogs are better than
human beings because they
know but do not tell.

—Emily Dickinson

If you have spent any time with canines, you know they have an uncanny ability to understand your intentions and feelings, even though they don’t understand most of your words. Or perhaps it’s because they don’t understand most of your words.

While dogs do recognize certain key words that are important to them—hence the perennial need of dog owners to spell the word W-A-L-K when making casual reference to a certain perambulating activity—science does not believe that dogs have the ability to process the finer intricacies of language.

Yet dogs seem to have little difficulty understanding what’s on your mind, especially if it involves them. A recent study indicates that dogs process emotional information in voices in much the same way that humans do.1 Surely you don’t know any dogs that have trouble figuring out when their human is thinking:

1 http://news.sciencemag.org/brain-behavior/2014/02/how-dogs-know-what-youre-feeling

Some of a dog’s mindreading talent seems to boil down to a “telepathic” ability of some kind that we still don’t understand. There is plenty of accumulated evidence to suggest that dogs (as well as cats and other animals, in some cases) have the ability to foretell a disaster, such as an earthquake, tsunami, or air raid; know when their humans are on the way home, even from another state or country; and find their way home from impossible distances. A friend of mine, Andy, has told me that his dog—a papillon—always knows when he, the “master,” is thinking about taking the dog for a walk, even when the dog is not in the same room with him. Andy has done experiments with this. He just sits at his desk and does nothing but think the thought, Maybe I’ll take Milo for a walk. Within a few seconds Milo comes trotting in from another room and starts jumping up and down. Good luck to Andy if he changes his mind now. Wait, who did we say the “master” was?

But whether you believe dogs are psychic or not, you must acknowledge that they are uncannily sensitive about reading our moods and intentions.

The Power (and Weakness) of Words

What makes dogs so good at reading us? Some of it boils down to their coevolution with humans. Their well-being has long depended on being able to figure us out and they’ve done a masterful job of it. But, of course, they’ve had a major handicap as well: they naturally don’t understand our language. (At least we don’t think they do; maybe they chat about economic policy when we’re not listening.) As a result, they’ve learned to pay incredibly close attention to our nonverbal cues, which is where true human moods, feelings, and intentions are broadcast.

We humans, on the other hand, are hooked on words, so we often fail to give the nonverbal stuff its due. Our ability to use language makes us lazy. Words have definite meanings, so it’s easy to just accept them at face value: to literally “take others at their word.” The problem is that such a small part of our communication is expressed by words, as mentioned earlier. The rest is conveyed by facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and other clues such as context of the remarks and the personality of the speaker. That means if you take people only at their literal word for things, you’ll not always get an accurate response. I’m not suggesting that if your friend tells you the movie starts at 7:30 not to believe him, but I am suggesting that if your significant other says that she is “just fine” while her arms are crossed, you may want to investigate further . . . by listening.

What Lies Beyond the Words

Here are some of the crucial aspects of communication that are typically left out of the words.

Feelings. Human beings are emotional creatures. In fact we live in our emotions. How we feel is the critical element in just about every aspect of human life. Put two people in the exact same house, with the same income, and the same set of life circumstances; one may feel happy and fulfilled, another may feel trapped and isolated. Same exact set of facts but a very different reality. Why? Different feelings. Human life is about feelings. And feelings are subjective.

I tend to believe that feelings are primary, even in matters like politics and religion and philosophical/scientific beliefs. You feel your way through life and then you come up with intellectual opinions to justify your feelings. What that means for listening is this: if you want to know how someone is going to behave, you need to know how he or she feels. This is as true in business relationships as it is in personal, intimate relationships.

Dogs know this. They tune in to your moods and feelings and use them as a guide as to how they can best “play” with you.

The problem with text-only communications is that the feeling element is either missing completely or widely open to misinterpretation. The reader fills in the feeling he or she believes was present in the writer’s mind, which, in my experience, is wrong far more often than right. If a friend sends a text with just a few short words (for example, “We need to talk”), you might read terseness or crisis into the note when, in fact, she may just have been in a hurry or in a meeting. What she’s feeling is, “I miss you and can’t wait to talk to you”; what you’re feeling is, “Uh-oh, she’s ticked!”

True intentions and meanings. Words are crude tools for conveying a speaker’s intentions and meanings. To illustrate this, a common exercise in acting classes is to go around the room and have each actor say the same simple line, like “Hey, come here,” with a different intention, such as threat, seduction, conspiracy, or friendship. It soon becomes obvious that the words themselves are just a fraction of the complete intention being communicated. The difference is tone. When given a choice between believing the words and believing the tone, we almost always, and wisely, side with the tone.

Dogs go right for the good stuff. (Try telling a dog “Everything’s fine” when you’re feeling miserable, and see whether or not it buys your words.) You must learn to do the same. Whenever you’re listening, you need to have one antenna up for what the real intention of the communication is, beyond the language. We humans are shockingly inept at this; we give words too much credit.

Honesty/sincerity level. On a related note—and this may come as a shock to you—human beings often say one thing while meaning another. How many times have you told someone (or has someone told you), “I’ll call you soon and we’ll get together,” or, “I’m going to give your suggestion some thought,” or, “Let’s just be friends,” while having absolutely no intention of following through?

When reading text messages it is difficult to determine someone’s sincerity level. On the phone, it is a bit easier, but still can be tricky because you can’t see the person’s face (especially the eyes) and body language. In person, you have a much better shot at getting it right—provided you watch the nonverbal language.

Comfort level. When talking with someone live, it often becomes obvious—if you’re paying attention—when a person is feeling discomfort about the subject matter. Everyone has his or her own unique way of signaling discomfort, but a few common ways are: breaking off eye contact; tensing up physically; aiming the feet or body away; or rubbing the face, neck, or other body parts. According to energy psychologists, people instinctively rub certain acupressure points on their bodies to give themselves comfort. So, when you observe someone doing this, it’s a pretty good indication that something is making them uncomfortable.

Hidden issues. Very often, the topic being discussed is a stand-in for a deeper, broader issue. When your spouse starts screaming irrationally about the way you stacked the dishes in the dishwasher, odds are that something more than dishes may be at stake here. If you choose to believe dishes are the true issue, dishes may soon be flying in your general direction.

Both in business and in personal life, people feel more comfortable talking about small, concrete, specific issues rather than about larger, deeper, and more painful ones. As a listener, you are not getting the true meaning of a communication if you miss the larger issues behind it.

Needs. One of the prime things to listen for is the need being expressed by the speaker. After all, if someone is taking the time to talk to you, it’s generally because he or she needs something; you should probably learn what that is. So, two main questions in your mind should be: (1) “What does this person need from me ultimately?” and (2) “What does this person need from me right now?” In other words, what role does this person need you to play in this conversation. Should you simply be listening and providing a sounding board, or should you be offering help? Should you be brainstorming with the person or only listening to his ideas? Should you be shutting your mouth and taking instruction? Should you be cheering this person up? Challenging him? Helping him clarify his thoughts?

Dogs are constantly trying to read your needs and play a role that’s helpful to you. If you’re grief stricken, the dog seems to know you need comforting and is going to snuggle with you. If you’re just feeling sorry for yourself, the dog might do something goofy and funny, as if to say, “Get over yourself and play with me.”

Subtext

In literature, there is a concept known as subtext. You probably remember it from American Lit 101 or Intro to Drama. Subtext is just what the word suggests—it is a level of meaning below the written text, or below the spoken words. In drama, the subtext usually carries the real meaning of a scene.

A fine example of subtext from a modern-day movie is the scene in Sideways where Paul Giamatti’s and Virginia Madsen’s characters have a long conversation about wine, but what they’re really doing is feeling each other out about a possible romantic encounter. As they discuss the way wine reaches a peak and must be consumed at precisely the right time, you can feel the romantic possibilities for the evening reaching their peak and then souring like old wine as the Giamatti character fails to “make his move” at the right moment. Anyone who thinks that scene is really about wine might actually be drunk.

Subtext is not just a literary thing; it exists in real life, too. A big part of listening like a dog is learning to pay attention to it. What is the person really saying? Often people speak symbolically or indirectly about things they are not comfortable discussing in plain language. An argument between a husband and wife about dirty socks left on the floor might really be about, “I don’t feel supported and appreciated in this relationship.” A discussion about a damaged phone line at the office might really be about the disconnect between executives and middle management. Because dogs don’t understand most human words, they deal with subtext most of the time.

It’s possible to pick up subtext in e-mails, text messages, and in phone conversations as well—sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes not—but it’s easier to detect when you’re talking to someone live and in person. There are simply more clues to observe.

In drama, it is said that writers provide the text and actors provide the subtext. It’s the actor’s job to show the levels of meaning and intention that are not conveyed by the words alone. How does the actor do that?

One powerful way is to speak and behave in a way that is out of sync with the words being spoken. The actor conveys, by his tone of voice, his facial expressions, and/or his actions, that there is more to what he is thinking or feeling than the words alone are conveying. An example might be a scene in which you see a husband sweetly telling his wife over the phone that he loves her, but meanwhile he’s staring at his watch, rushing to a restaurant for a date he’s planned with another woman on an out-of-town business trip. You know he is contemplating infidelity. You don’t need to have it explained; all you need to do is witness the incongruity between his words and his physical behavior.

Congruity

Congruity is a great concept to keep in mind as a listener. When people are fully on board with what they’re saying, there is congruity between their words, tone, their energy level, their facial expressions, and their body language. For example, if they’re introducing a cool new business idea and they’re truly excited about it, their voices will be excited and higher-pitched, and their gestures will crackle with energy. When people mean what they say, their faces and bodies express the same emotion as their words. Dogs are almost always fully congruous. That’s why we trust them so much. You rarely see a dog playing ball with its head hanging despondently. Only humans do that kind of thing.

Whenever you see incongruity, you know there’s more going on than the words are saying. Dogs are very good at spotting incongruity, and they let you know they’re concerned about it. If you say, “You’re a good boy” to them in a harsh, angry tone, or, “Do you want to go for a walk?” in a sleepy tone while crawling into bed, the dog will cock its head and look at you as if an alien embryo had just burst from your chest. Even subtle incongruities make a dog nervous. Something isn’t stacking up in the dog’s mind; the words don’t match the tone of voice or the body language, and the dog knows it. So it doesn’t quite know how to process what you’re saying.

When there is full congruity between what you say and the way you say it, both dogs and humans accept that communication at face value.

Humans, as a rule, are not very good liars. That’s why great actors make the big bucks. Most of us have trouble “selling” a position we don’t really believe in. Our face and body don’t get completely on board, so there is usually a “tell” of some kind. The human body has a natural inclination to be honest, even if the conscious mind tries to lie. So when you are forced by circumstance (or by your own devious mind) to say something you don’t fully believe in—and this probably happens a dozen times a day—part of you feels compelled to send out the message, “I don’t really think this.” You unconsciously use incongruity to do this.

You also deliberately use incongruity at times. A classic example of this is the spouse who goes around loudly slamming household objects. When asked what’s wrong, she invariably replies, “Nothing.” Of course, what’s being announced with every fiber of their being is that something is wrong. The incongruity is so obvious it might as well be wearing a clown costume.

If this person’s mate were to take the word “nothing” at face value and reply in a chipper tone, “Great! Glad to hear it; I was just checking,” a human volcano would likely erupt. What is expected in this situation is for the mate to try to tease out the real truth—or else get used to sleeping on the couch.

Humans are generally reluctant to express strong ideas and emotions that might cause conflict, embarrassment, or hurt feelings. So we do not, as a rule, go around expressing these feelings directly. We prefer someone to pry them out of us than to express them openly and directly. We use incongruous behavior as a way of saying, “There’s more to this than my words are saying.”

As a listener, then, you need to be attuned to incongruity, even in subtle forms. You don’t need to study NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) or become a body language expert; you really just need to step back, observe the speaker, and ask yourself whether the words, the facial expression, the tone of voice, and the body language are all sending the same message. If not, what’s the deal?

Signs to Watch and Listen For

When looking for signs of incongruity, some of the things you might want to notice in the speaker are:

Energy level. As a general rule, the more strongly a person is feeling an emotion—positive or negative—the higher his/her energy level will be. Have you ever been at a business meeting when the speaker puts his hands in his pockets, looks down at his feet, and dully drones something like, “I’m tremendously excited about our new marketing initiatives.” Really? Lack of energy signals lack of belief, lack of commitment, lack of the claimed emotion.

Of course, some people are naturally demonstrative and others are not. Not everyone jumps up and down when they love an idea, but they usually signal their energy level in some way: a gleam in the eye, an excited hush in the voice.

Tone of voice. If the speaker’s tone of voice is not matching the message his words are carrying, that is usually significant. It tells you the emotion is not real. It’s hard to fake an emotion vocally. Part of the reason is physiological. When you’re really feeling an emotion, it changes your vocal instrument. A tense jaw muscle gives a different shape to your mouth than a relaxed one and creates a different sound (which dogs and other sensitive listeners pick up on). A smiling mouth sounds different from a neutral one; a smile can be heard over the telephone and gives the voice a distinctive quality. Painful emotions, on the other hand, tend to constrict the throat and produce a “choked-up” sound, which again are very hard to fake. If you watch a good voice actor at work in a recording studio, you’ll notice that she acts her lines out with her face and often her whole body, even though no one’s going to see her performance. That’s because she knows that unless she is physically experiencing the emotion, it won’t come across in her vocal instrument.

Facial expression. People do all sorts of facial gymnastics as they speak. Typically, they try to project an emotion appropriate for the situation. But they often fail miserably, flashing glimpses of more honest emotions. If you want to know what someone’s really feeling, look into his or her eyes. The eyes have a hard time lying. A smile that doesn’t come from the eyes signals insincerity. Similarly, looking away or to the side or breaking off eye contact are often signals that honesty has fled the scene like a thief in the night.

Many people are simply unaware of their own facial expressions and broadcast their emotions pretty baldly. All you have to do is observe them critically. Clenched teeth while saying, “Congratulations,” or probing, suspicious eyes while saying, “I trust you” are telling signs.

Dogs read our faces like the open books they are. That’s why they often seem to “psychically” know what we’re thinking before we say a word.

Posture/body language. Most people are surprisingly unconscious about their body language, too. I could fill a book with examples of how body language communicates hidden meanings; in fact, many such books have been written. A lot of the “expertise” in this area, however, tends to be pretty dogmatic (sorry, dogs, for that word)—e.g., touching the face means lying, standing over someone means dominance, etc. I believe body language is more complicated and individualized than that. Personality, upbringing, ethnicity, and many other factors come into play. Folded arms may mean one thing for you, another for me. Still, there are some obvious and fairly universal signs you can watch for.

When a person says, “I’m open to your opinion,” but is blocking her body with an object, perhaps there is more to the story. When a politician says, “Yes, absolutely!” but is shaking his head no (I’ve seen this numerous times, and my jaw always drops), you might want to question his sincerity.

With a dog, of course, what you see is what you get. There’s never a disconnect between its thoughts and its body language. If it’s hungry, it will paw at its food bowl; if it wants to be close to you, it will throw itself onto your lap.

When it comes to reading human body language, I suggest relying more on observation and intuition than an encyclopedia of meanings. Simply ask yourself, Are his posture and gestures in line with the spoken message? Your gut will usually give you a reliable answer.

Speed/timing. Another thing to be aware of is timing. If a person is slow or hesitant to respond, it may be an indication that she is not fully on board with what she is saying. Part of her is holding back. You won’t pick this up in a text or e-mail, obviously, or even necessarily in a phone call, but you will see it in a live person (yet another reason for meeting face-to-face when possible).

On the other hand, if the person seems to be rushing or speaking too fast, it could signal nervousness, lying, or a desire to “pull a fast one” on you. It’s similar to when the offense rushes to the line of scrimmage in a football game, hoping to get the next play off before the opposing coach throws the challenge flag.

What’s not said. One of the most meaningful aspects of a conversation is the part that isn’t said. Again, most people have a natural aversion to lying, so they try to avoid directly saying things they don’t believe. Often they do this by saying nothing at all.

If three people at a meeting are gushing about a new product and a fourth person is saying nothing, odds are that person has reservations.

When you strongly feel or believe something, you naturally want to put that feeling into words. You want to go on record. So when you do not do that, it usually means something. A classic example from the realm of relationships is when one person says, “I love you,” and the other replies, “Thank you.”

When interpreting nonverbal communications, take in the whole of the communication. Turn yourself into a biological antenna, the way a dog does, and feel for a sense of congruity. Is everything adding up? Do the words I’m hearing go together with the expressions and behaviors I’m seeing, the gut feeling I’m getting, and the tone of voice I’m hearing?

Again, the eyes and the heart are as important as the ears. The eyes can spot revealing facial expressions and behaviors. The heart can pick up feelings that are not being expressed or that go against the words being said.

Feelings Are as Important as Facts

Let’s circle back to feelings again. One of the reasons dogs are such great listeners is that they pay more attention to feelings than to words. Admittedly, that’s because they don’t understand most of our verbal language, but it’s also because they seem to naturally understand that feelings are what matter most when it comes to human beings. Dogs cue in on our feelings. If we’re nervous, they become “hyper” and vigilant. If we’re content, they flop peacefully by our sides. It is not uncommon for dog lovers to feel that their beloved fur angels understand them better than their spouses or their children do. This is because the dog pays attention to feelings, which humans often miss because they get caught up in the words.

Every human communication has two levels to it: the level of fact and the level of feeling. There’s the literal information being communicated and there’s the way the person feels about that information. Both are equally important. The facts are conveyed by the words; the feelings are often conveyed nonverbally. Unless you pick up both levels of meaning, you will be woefully in the dark. It’s how a person feels—passionate, fearful, optimistic—that predicts how he or she is going to behave. And here’s an important point to remember: People want to be felt, not just heard. They want their feelings acknowledged, either expressly or implicitly. This, in fact, is the major way your skill as a listener is measured. Did you pick up the feelings being expressed, as well as the facts? The subtler and more complex feelings you are able to detect, the better your listening skills are typically rated and the more “attractive” you are as a listener.

If you want a fun way to practice reading nonverbal communications, rent a foreign film and watch it without subtitles. See how much of the story you are able to follow. You might be surprised. Sure, you’ll miss a lot of the factual details, but you’ll probably get the important emotional movements of the film. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. You’ll notice finer dimensions of the performance you might have missed if you’d had words to rely on.

This is how dogs read us. They may miss a lot of the details, but they follow the major movements of our days and our lives in a more intimate and truthful way than many humans do. Someone recently told me, for example, that she had gone through a difficult period for several days, and her dog never left her side the whole time. None of her friends picked up on her anguish (because she was verbally downplaying it), but her dog was stuck to her hip like Velcro.

The next time you’re in a conversation, make a conscious effort to watch and feel, as much as to hear. You’ll be amazed at how much more attuned you are to what’s being said. You’ll pick up entire dimensions of communication that others miss—except, of course, that fur-covered ball of listening under the table.

Something to
Chew On . . .

Chaser

Chaser, a border collie, a breed known for their intelligence, lived with John W. Pilley, a retired Wofford College psychology professor. Dr. Pilley read about a dog that had learned to recognize 200 German nouns, so he decided to see if his dog could learn additional words as well. He worked with Chaser for about five hours a day, beginning from the time she was only two months old. Chaser was a quick study and learned to recognize the names of a couple of new objects every day and, eventually, her vocabulary grew to a total of 1,022 nouns!

Chaser got the idea that learning words was her job, and border collies have boundless energy, so Pilley had a hard time taking it easy. He added to their lessons and taught the dog verbs and basic grammar. She came to know more than any other animal of any species except humans. In addition to common nouns like house, ball, and tree, she memorized the names of more than 1,000 toys and could retrieve any of them on command. Based on that learning, she moved on to demonstrate her ability to understand sentences with multiple elements of grammar. Chaser’s achievements demonstrate her use of deductive reasoning and complex problem-solving skills to address novel challenges.

Most amazing of all, Chaser isn’t unique. John’s training methods can be adopted by any dog lover. The book Chaser: Unlocking the Genius of the Dog Who Knows a Thousand Words, written by Dr. Pilley and Hilary Hinzmann, shares the story of how John trained Chaser, raised her as a member of the Pilley family, and proved her abilities to the scientific community. It reveals the positive impact of incorporating learning into play and more effectively channeling a dog’s natural drives. This is also a wonderful demonstration of a dog’s ability to listen with focused intention.