Five

Happiness Really Is a Warm Pup

The only creatures that are evolved enough to
convey pure love are dogs and infants.

—Johnny Depp

Your dog—or anyone’s dog—can be a role model, if you pay attention. Think about it: when was the last time you heard one of the following statements?

I have to tell you, I don’t hear such comments very often. Probably the number-one thing we love about dogs is how genuine and caring they are. And how great they listen, well, when they want to, which fortunately is most of the time. Dogs seem true and warm in such an unforgettable way. No wonder they have so many friends! You need only to look in a dog’s eyes to see their goodness and realness. There’s a reason so many children’s books have been written about dogs. Dogs are emotionally real. They have no pretenses. They don’t play games. They express their feelings openly and honestly, rather than holding back or waiting to see how you’re going to act. They don’t have a hidden agenda. (And when they do have an agenda, there’s nothing hidden about it.)

Dogs care about you, really and truly—to the point where they’ll put their own lives at risk. There are countless stories of dogs running into burning buildings to rescue loved ones or allowing themselves to be harmed by an assailant in order to protect their people. Watch the way a dog worries over a sick or depressed family member. No one teaches them this stuff; they just do it.

The blog The Science Dog reports that “Dogs may . . . exhibit certain types of ‘prosocial’ behavior. These are spontaneous actions that are intended to help another individual in some way, usually with no obvious benefit to the helper. Psychologists have defined four general categories of prosocial behavior. These are comforting, sharing, informing, and helping. At least anecdotally, comforting is something that dogs seem to excel at.”1

1 http://thesciencedog.wordpress.com

What do dogs get from you in return for all their genuineness and caring? Well, they get food, shelter, and warmth, sure. But they also get your undying love. The vast majority of humans have an overwhelmingly positive attitude toward dogs. We like, no love, them. In fact, most of us love them, perhaps more than any other species on Earth, including, in many cases, our own.

Here’s a simple, but meaningful, exercise I lead when I’m conducting workshops or teaching a class:

Think of three people you consider to be really good listeners. These can be friends, coworkers, pets, famous people like Oprah or Dr. Drew, the UPS man . . . anyone at all.

Okay, give this some thought.

Take a minute.

Do you have three people? (Many do not.)

Take a look at your list.

Question: Is there anyone on that list you don’t like?

Point made.

So far, in all of the workshops I’ve conducted and classes I have taught, I’ve never heard a yes. Why not?

We like people who listen. They make a mark on us. We feel connected to them. We feel cared about. We feel heard.

Next I ask the group: Who in this room considers himself/herself a good listener? After the typical looking around to see how others are responding, most people in the room raise their hand. At this point I add, “So let me get this straight: (1) most of us want to be seen as good listeners, and/or (2) most of us think we already are good listeners.”

The latter point is the crux of the problem. We don’t think we have anything to learn! When I ask workshop participants whether they have ever taken a course or read a book on listening—or, in fact, done anything whatsoever to consciously improve their listening skills—the response is overwhelming silence.

Likeability is perhaps the most important, but underrated, aspect of human interaction. The people you like are the people you hire, the people you do business with, and the people you seek out for relationships. In his book The Likeability Factor, Tim Sanders cites numerous studies that show:

So why not take a lesson from dogs, the most likeable beings on Earth? (Yes, yes, cat people, cats are likeable, too, but do they listen like dogs? Now that we settled that one, let’s move on.) To be genuine and caring is one of the most powerful ways you can make a mark on the world—and make the world a better place while you’re at it. Taking the time to listen to the people around you is the greatest and simplest way to do this.

Six Easy Steps to Genuineness

“Hold on,” you might say. “What do genuineness and caring have to do with listening? If I want a lecture on how to be a better person, I’ll watch a Wayne Dyer DVD.”

Well, here’s a key point. Are you someone whom people trust, like, and are drawn to? If not, then all the listening techniques in the world will not help you one bit. All they will do is make you appear slick and rehearsed, which, in the end, will make you seem more like a weasel than a dog. If, on the other hand, you are someone whom people like, trust, and are drawn to, then you don’t need to worry so much about techniques and strategies. You’ll do just fine without them. Just listen, with the goal of understanding in mind. Observing how a dog interacts with its loved ones reveals that the main thing that creates likeability is being genuine and caring—truly genuine and caring, not a seminar-learned imitation. Sorry, folks; you can’t fake genuine.

You certainly have met salespeople, for example, whom you neither like nor trust. They smile and ask “personal” questions, and do “active listening” techniques that would put Dr. Phil to shame. You can’t put a finger on why they give you the creeps, but by the end of an encounter with them you feel like you need a shower. These folks follow all the communication techniques they learned in their sales seminars—and do it very smoothly—but they operate from an unlikeable core, so you can’t get away from them fast enough. In fact, you’re repelled.

You’ve also probably met salespeople who share their humanness and vulnerability with you and seem genuinely interested in helping you solve your problems, even if their selling skills may be textbook awful. These people seem real and memorable to you. You like them, and, by extension, you usually like their products and services as well as the business that employs them.

What if, instead of getting caught up in the endless stream of selfish, output-driven communications, you made a real effort to be genuine with your fellow human beings and offer them a caring, concerned, and helping ear? What a way to make a mark in today’s hurried, superficial, me-driven world!

What I’m talking about here can’t be learned in a workshop called “Six Ways to Be Genuine and Caring.” It has to be authentic. Dogs are a beautiful model for this. Dogs never use techniques and strategies on us (unless putting on the sad face to increase their treat count is one; then I stand corrected). All they know how to do is exude doggy goodness and authenticity. They can teach us all we need to know.

What It Means to Be Genuine and Caring

To be genuine means to:

To be caring means to:

Think about your interactions with dogs. If dogs make an impression, it’s not because of anything they say—obviously. Rather, it’s a quality of goodness they exude. By far the greatest way you can exhibit this quality is by opening up and listening to the people around you.

Think about it. If you’ve ever opened up to your dog when you were in a time of deep emotional pain—and I mean really opened up—think about how your dog acted toward you. I doubt that you will be counting the leash-law violations to describe its behaviors. The dog most likely simply stayed present and allowed you to express your feelings while exuding comfort for you. Be that same doglike comfort while being a quality listener. Let the other person vent. Let them cry. And if they don’t have a dog—they’re really going to need you.

Being genuine and caring is not a set of behavioral skills to be learned and demonstrated. It is not, in fact, any specific thing you do; it is an orientation you carry inside. A dog shows up with a wagging tail because it’s genuine, not learned in a book called How to Win Over a Human in Two Seconds.

If you don’t believe me, try an experiment. Start your day with the conscious decision, “Today I’m going to have a caring attitude toward everyone I meet and listen every chance I get.” It’s a lofty goal, but see if you can make it until lunch. Before you enter each new setting, refresh that attitude and remind yourself to give a few moments of real listening to the people you encounter. Start with the people who share your home then extend it out into the world—the coffee barista, the security guard. If they share a remark with you, just pause and take it in; absorb it with an attitude of truly understanding and appreciating that person, if only for five seconds. When you get to your office, do the same thing. Open up the space inside you to caringly and unselfishly take others in. Here’s my guarantee: if you do this for an entire day, you will notice a profound difference in the way you connect with people and the way people respond to you.

Do it for a week and you’ll be canonized, or, better yet, “caninized,” for sainthood.

But Aren’t Humans Naturally Selfish?

After all, humans are naturally selfish, right? Asking us to set our own needs aside is like telling a child to eat their vegetables: in one ear and out the other.

Well, let’s explore that for a moment. The argument over whether people can truly act unselfishly has been going on for millennia. Some say we’re hardwired for selfishness; others are more generous in their view of human nature. But what I think everyone can agree on is this: it is usually better, for everyone concerned, if we behave unselfishly, at least in the short term. Because when we do this, not only do we meet the needs of the other people involved and help make the world a kinder, gentler place, but we also, more often than not, end up getting our own needs met. And in the long run, exceeded.

A marriage is a great example of this. When both partners make an effort, at least 60 percent of the time, to be unselfish in the small stuff, they not only make their partner happy, but they also get their own larger needs met over time. Why? Because their partner actually likes them and in return wants to do kind things for them. When both partners, however, are hung up on getting their own needs met in the short term, they turn off the other partner and create defensiveness and “counter”-selfishness. Neither party gets his or her needs met, and the world becomes a slightly stingier, nastier place.

The same principle applies in business relationships. Setting selfish needs aside in the short-term usually leads to greater benefits in the long run, for both parties, while also creating a more team-like, bonded, and positive atmosphere for everyone in the company. It’s the ultimate win/win/win.

So, being genuine and caring turns out to be a smart business move. Dogs figured this out a long time ago. By putting their focus on us, they create such love and goodwill in us that we end up treating them as well as we treat the humans in our families, and oftentimes better. We generously offer them walks and toys and treats, given from the heart. We spend more money on our dogs than the GNPs of many nations. Because dogs are so faithfully and unselfishly devoted to us, we are triggered to be the same for them. We have a trust that dogs are kindhearted and unselfish, so this allows us to be more unselfish toward them.

Give First, Get Later

What I’m suggesting is that you get into the habit of “give first, get later.” We’ve heard this put in different terms, such as “Give and ye shall receive,” or more currently, “Pay it forward.” Lead with a caring approach. Serve the needs of the other party before worrying about how your needs are going to be served. Listen first, talk later.

Here’s a recent example from my own career. I had a meeting set up with a high-level healthcare professional at a university medical center. We had only a short time set aside for our meeting and I knew he was a very busy person contending with a lot of distractions. As soon as we sat down, I asked him (as I usually do) what was on his mind. It turned out he was hugely preoccupied with a problem he was trying to sort out. Recognizing that he needed to talk about his issue and that my agenda wasn’t going to get his full attention, I flipped a mental switch and went into listen-only mode. I tucked away my agenda and decided to be a sounding board instead. Our time quickly burned up and he realized, apologetically, that he had spent most of the time talking about his issue and that we hadn’t gotten to my agenda at all. I told him that this was no problem, that I was happy to listen, and that we could talk again at a later time.

Well, he e-mailed me within the week and scheduled a follow-up meeting. Perhaps because he was feeling guilty about talking my ear off, he wanted to give me some of his uninterrupted quality time. Long story short: I ended up getting this important professional’s undivided attention for well over an hour. I got a fully attentive ear that I never would have gotten in the rushed and distracted half-hour that had been originally allotted to me. Was I unselfish to abandon my own agenda in our first meeting? Yes and no. It’s true that I was willing to set my needs aside because I saw a person who needed a listening ear. So, yes, I was unselfish in the short term. But I also had faith that my “unselfishness” would pay dividends in the long run, and it did. As it almost always does. Unselfish? You be the judge.

I realize that to a salesperson, this idea seems to run completely against the grain of the ABC (“Always Be Closing”) mentality. But by caring and giving, rather than trying to sell, you build goodwill and, dare I say it, good karma. If you make this generous-spirited approach a way of life—like a dog does—you will ultimately be the main beneficiary of your own generosity. But you may be wondering, Why does it work this way? Glad you asked . . .

The Benefits of Genuineness and Caring

Understand: I’m not talking about walking on water or multiplying loaves and fishes; I’m talking about being wise enough to delay your own gratification in recognition of the fact that good things come to everyone, especially you, when you give first. There are many selfish benefits to being “unselfish” in this way. For one, you activate the “rule of reciprocity.”

What is the rule of reciprocity? Simply that people feel inclined to give to or do business with someone who has already given them something. Robert Cialdini, in his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, cites several examples of the rule of reciprocity in action, including a lesson learned by the Hare Krishnas, a religious sect that used to raise money by dancing, singing, and asking for spare change in airports and on city streets. The result? People would cross the street to avoid them. Then the group switched tactics and began giving away flowers as gifts to passersby—no expectations stated. A different result this time. Their donations increased. People felt a responsibility to donate because they had been given a gift.

You can activate the rule of reciprocity by being the first person to listen. At the beginning of any meeting or encounter, both parties’ minds are preoccupied with the need to get their agenda on the table. So why not use this to your advantage. Be the one who listens first. Let the other party say whatever they want and need to say. This lowers their anxiety level and clears their mind; they are now more likely to be open to hear what you have to say.

You also create the “like” factor. By making yourself instantly likeable, it is more likely that people will want to work for you, hire you, buy from you, and hang out with you. You create “pull” rather than “push.” Whenever you try to push an idea on someone else, there is an automatic “push back” response. On the other hand, when you show people that you care about them and are genuinely interested in what they have to say, you create a powerful “pulling” kind of energy. People are drawn to you and feel that they can open up.

Possibly the greatest benefit you gain from offering a caring, listening approach is that you learn a great deal about the other person and her particular situation and needs. By listening openly, you learn about the other person’s personality and the things that are important to her. You learn about her needs and issues. You learn about her preferences and the things that turn her off. You learn about her values. You learn about the solutions that have been tried and failed. You are no longer working in an information vacuum. You are able to tailor your presentation, when the time arises, to a known set of needs and preferences.

Going to the Dogs—to Learn

There are probably a hundred psychological reasons why we feel relaxed and authentic around some people and guarded or misunderstood around others. But I believe one of the main ones comes down to the quality of listening we receive. The secret to making others feel genuine is to offer them an open, nonjudgmental, accepting ear. Again, think about the impact dogs have on us. If you’ve ever talked to one, you’ve probably felt freer and more accepted than you do when talking to most humans. That’s because you didn’t have to edit yourself or hold back or pretend to be something you weren’t. The dog probably gave you pure, nonjudgmental, “receiving” energy. As a result, you not only felt the relief of being able to fully unburden yourself, you also felt authentic and at home in your own skin. Can we all please learn this simple lesson from dogs?

This need is clearly evident in romantic relationships. Over the years, as I’ve talked to others about what makes them comfortable in a relationship, one answer comes up more than any other: people love being in relationships in which they feel they can express themselves fully, with complete acceptance. That means having a partner who doesn’t judge you or put up walls when you bring up certain topics. Rather, the partner listens to whatever you have to say and accepts it as your truth. Your partner doesn’t try to censor you and doesn’t get angry or hurt when you talk about topics that may seem weird or when you express an opinion on which the two of you differ. You feel completely free and unjudged around them. Unfortunately, this isn’t how we’re trained; most of us have been witnessing leash-law violations as our communication models since childhood.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember about being a caring listener is that it has to be done without selfish expectations. If you’re thinking about your own rewards when you’re offering a kind ear to someone else, you’re actually being manipulative on some level. You’re “steering” the conversation to your own advantage, and the other person—consciously or unconsciously—picks up on it.

This is the great paradox of selfishness. When you are always looking out for your own needs and trying to put your agenda on the table, you create push-back in other people. You lose, they lose, and the world loses. On the other hand, when you listen openly and genuinely, without any agenda—when you listen like a dog—you pull people toward you, rather than push them away. On a gut level, doesn’t that seem like a better way to build long-term business and personal relationships?

Something to
Chew On . . .

Ricochet

Ricochet, a golden retriever from San Diego, has an extra-special talent—she’s a trained SURFice dog®— and is the only dog on the planet who surfs with kids with special needs, those with disabilities, and wounded warriors and veterans with PTSD, as an assistive aid.

Ricochet has an ability to sense what people need, which in turn allows them to place their trust in her. This interaction fosters healing, empowerment, and transformation—opening up doors for them that were once firmly shut.

It all started in 2009 when Ricochet was going to surf with Patrick Ivison, a boy with spinal cord injuries, as a way to help him raise money. Before they got in the water, Judy, the dog’s owner, said, “I could almost hear Ricochet thinking, Patrick! Are you ready to surf? . . . They were communicating like they’d been together a thousand times before, speaking to each other in a language that crossed species barriers and broke through incredulity.” They were going to surf on the same wave but on their own separate boards. They rode a few waves like that, but then Ricochet jumped off her surfboard and onto Patrick’s—and so her career of assistive, tandem surfing was born.

Since then, she’s surfed with many adults and kids with disabilities. By listening to them with her heart, she adjusts her surfing style based on their disability, and gives them the confidence to try something they may have never imagined. Ricochet’s gift and ability to communicate nonverbally has resulted in pure joy for many. 2

2 For more about Ricochet’s amazing power to heal, read her pawtobiography Ricochet: Riding a Wave of Hope with the Dog Who Inspires Millions by Judy Fridono.