Ten

The Herd (Heard) Effect

So much of language is unspoken.
So much of language is comprised of looks
and gestures and sounds that are not words.
People are ignorant of the vast complexity
of their own communication.

—Enzo (the dog), The Art of Racing
in the Rain by Garth Stein

I’ve spent a lot of time urging you to “zip it”—to embrace silence and quell the urge to make unnecessary noise from your mouth. While I can’t overstate how important that is, I don’t want to create the impression that listening is all about being still; it’s not. There are many active things a good listener must do to keep a conversation moving forward. Once again, you-know-who leads the pack.

One of the most remarkable qualities of dogs is their ability to herd: to guide other creatures (especially humans) to where they need to go and to prevent them from wandering off the trail. But it’s the way they do it that really impresses; dogs somehow manage to follow and lead at the same time.

Dogs’ herding talents can be most easily observed by watching actual herding dogs, such as border collies, corgis or Australian shepherds. A herding dog is able to figure out where the herd of sheep needs to go and to gently—or sometimes not so gently—guide the creatures to their destination. As long as the animals are on the right path, the dog just flanks the herd, remaining alert and watchful. But as soon as the sheep start to stray, the dog steps in and becomes more assertive, guiding them in the desired direction.

This herding ability is also on display when a dog goes for a walk with a human. I’m talking about an off-leash walk where it’s just you and your dog, out on the trails. If you’re lucky enough to live in an area where you can free-walk with a dog like this and not be busy barking orders, you’ll notice that the dog does a masterful job of both following and leading you. First it tries to figure out where you want to go. It “reads” you—your eyes, your posture, your head movements, your voice, even your mood. (And of course, if you’ve walked a particular route in the past, the dog will remember it.) Once it has an idea where you want to go, it works at gently keeping you on track. Like an effective server in a restaurant who doesn’t make his presence known until the customer needs something, the dog hovers near you unobtrusively, keeping an eye on both you and the trail. If you appear confused, it will trot ahead and show you the way. If you slow down or stop for too long, it will encourage you to get moving. If you start to take a wrong turn, it will show you the correct route.

The dog is content to let you choose the destination and even the preferred route for getting there, but the moment you seem to lose direction or momentum, it is there to gently put you back on track: not to where it wants you to go, but to where you want to go.

Why do dogs do this? Perhaps it has to do with the fact that they are pack animals and want the pack to remain together. It’s in their nature. They seem happiest when everyone is together and “on the same page.” The pack also represents safety. The safety in numbers concept is something that most humans experience themselves as well.

Whatever the motivation, herding is a masterful ability, one that no other animal does better. It’s one that humans would do well to learn.

In many ways, being a good listener is like being a good herder. Your job is to pay close attention to the speaker and to try to get a sense as to where he is going and what his goal is. As long as he seems to be getting there on his own, you allow him to take the lead, just giving him little signs now and then that you’re with him. But the moment you realize he has taken a wrong turn, run out of steam, or gotten a bit lost, you step in and gently steer him back.

An effective herder forms the habit of making sure the group is all together before allowing a conversation to barrel ahead to new places.

Herding. Or maybe we should call it “heard”-ing.

To Herd or Not to Herd

When I talk about herding in conversation, I mean all the cues you give as a listener to help the speaker stay on track. Herding can include everything from gentle nods of the head to extensive questioning and prodding of the person speaking—whatever is required to prevent the speaker from wandering into the brambles. The amount of herding you choose to do in a given situation depends on several factors:

Your role. Your responsibility to herd the speaker depends greatly on the role you are playing at that moment. Certain roles permit—and require—a lot of herding; others do not. If you are a meeting facilitator or debate moderator, for example, you have a high responsibility to herd the speaker(s). If you are simply a meeting attendee, audience member, or invited guest, your role in herding the speaker is much more limited.

The number of people present. Generally speaking, the more listeners present, the less individual responsibility (and permission) you have to herd. As the size of the listening group shrinks, though,
your herding role increases. In a one-on-one situation, it becomes your sole responsibility to lead the speaker through the woods and get him home.

Your relationship with the speaker. Your herding powers are also constrained, to a large extent, by your relationship with the speaker. You must have status with a speaker in order to herd him. As a general rule, the higher the position and authority of the speaker relative to the listener, the longer the “leash” you must grant before trying to rein him in. It’s doubtful you will try to put a leash on the president of your company when listening to him.

The need for herding. Of course, the amount of herding you do depends on the amount of herding needed. A speaker who is effectively delivering his or her message requires very little herding, except for occasional nods. A speaker who is lost, unfocused, or prone to wandering off the path every time he or she is offered a distraction may need constant herding.

The importance of the message. As a herder, you need to pick your battles. You don’t need to get exact clarity on every minor point the speaker is making, but you do need clarity on the biggies. If the speaker’s most important messages are not being expressed well, then you must herd, herd, and herd some more.

Your commitment to listen. Ultimately, the amount of herding you do comes down to the strength of your commitment to listen. How committed are you to understanding what the speaker has to say? Are you willing to work at it?

If you are committed to listening to what others have to say, you will become a dedicated herder. That doesn’t mean you will interrupt the speaker unnecessarily, but it does mean that, just like a dog, you will herd the speaker back onto the trail when he or she wanders off.

Levels of Herding

There are several levels of herding or feedback that may be employed. In my view, herding falls into three basic intensity levels: (1) simple guidance, (2) reflective checking in, and (3) active pulling. Each one calls for very different behaviors on the part of the herder.

1. Simple Guidance

This is the base level of herding that is required of almost all listeners in almost all listening situations. It is analogous to the subtle signals a dog sends you when it’s out on the trail with you. Every now and then the dog will look at you, make eye contact, and maybe give you a little shake of the tail or a smile, just to let you know it is “with” you and everything is going fine. Similarly, when listening, you have a responsibility to periodically let speakers know they’re doing fine (assuming they are doing fine), that you’re receiving their message, and that no course corrections are warranted.

Herding at this level can entail things like:

These simple, encouraging actions are hugely important for the speaker. In their absence, the speaker begins to feel anxiety: Have I wandered off course? Am I losing my listener(s)? Is my listener off in Aspen with their fantasy lover? Am I being unclear? Have I said something offensive?

Of course, sometimes the speaker has gone astray, and you need to let him know. Sometimes the speaker is lacking confidence due to the subject matter, the situation, or your responses, or lack thereof. This is where supportive herding behaviors on your part, as the listener, come into play. Encouragement and even leading with your invisible leash can be greatly appreciated.

2. Reflective Checking In

At the next level of herding, your feedback becomes much more proactive and tailored to the person speaking. You play an active role in making sure the speaker is fully expressing himself and that you are fully understanding him. Reflective checking in is employed at select times during conversations—for example, when you sense that the speaker really needs to feel heard, when you really need to be clear on what the speaker is saying, or when you want to create a more supportive bond with the speaker.

To listen reflectively is a well-established concept in listening circles; I certainly didn’t make it up. It simply means to reflect back to the speaker what he just said. This isn’t something we should do all the time—that would come off as a little strange and terribly annoying—but it is definitely an important skill to add to our listening repertoire. Reflective checking in can take several forms.

Simple repetition. Sometimes simply repeating back, verbatim, what the speaker just said—perhaps adding “I hear you,” “I see,” or “I understand” to it—is all that’s needed. This simple type of statement, though not very creative or personalized, effectively lets the person know you are hearing what is being said. So, if a customer comes in and says, “I’m really upset with the way I was treated by one of your employees,” you might just say, “I understand that you’re upset by the way you were treated.” Don’t argue; don’t try to fix it. Just reflect, like a mirror.

This technique is often used in couples’ therapy. In my opinion it could be effectively employed in a much wider range of settings, such as the workplace, the home, and the political arena. (But can you teach an old dog a new trick?) All too often deflection is the method used in these settings, leading to longer-term issues.

Repetition in new words. Though simple repetition can be effective, it gets old and becomes annoying pretty fast if you keep using it, for example:

“I’m dissatisfied with the service I’ve gotten.”

“I understand you’re dissatisfied with the service you’ve gotten.”

“I’m hoping you can do something about it.”

“You’re hoping I can do something about it.”

“Boy, you’re really starting to annoy me.”

“What I hear you saying is that I’m really starting to annoy you.”

A higher form of reflection is to repeat back what the person said by paraphrasing. This tends to sound more natural than rote repetition. For example, you might say, “So the service wasn’t up to your expectations,” or, “Something we’ve done has let you down.” This demonstrates a more authentic level of understanding than trying to be a human tape recorder: you’ve grasped the message enough to restate it in your own words.

Emotional reflection. An even more effective form of reflection is one that also recognizes the speaker’s emotional state. “I understand the product you ordered didn’t come on time, and you seem worried about that.” Or: “You think I acted selfishly, and that hurts your feelings.” Remember, we live in our emotions, and we want to be understood at that level. So if a listener not only appears to understand what you’ve said but how you feel about it, a whole new level of trust opens up. It’s important, however, not to allow your emotions to unconsciously reflect those of the speaker. Sometimes when someone is angry, for example, it is easy to respond in anger. This is not usually helpful.

Reflection with a personal twist. Perhaps the highest form of reflection occurs when you not only feed back an understanding of the speaker’s message and feelings but also add perspective of your own. This can be expressed in several ways. Perhaps by supplying a bit of interpretation: “I can see you’re upset that the package didn’t come on time. You’re probably feeling a little misled at this point.” Or perhaps by stating your own feelings: “I get that you’re angry the package was late, and I’m disappointed in our company for letting you down.” Sometimes it’s also helpful to add a promise or action step of some kind: “I know you’re worried that the package won’t come in time for the holidays, and I’m sorry we put you in this position. I want to correct this right now.”

It’s not about making the conversation revolve around you; it’s about adding a supportive personal element to what the other person said. This shows that you not only heard the other person but also absorbed their message and were somehow moved by it.

When you’re sad or unhappy, a dog doesn’t go fetch the leash, trying to force its agenda on you; it gives you a lick on the face, letting you know it not only understands what you’re feeling but also cares: empathy with a tail. Then it gets the leash, but how can we blame them!

3. Active Pulling

Finally, if you are a committed listener, there will be times when you’ll need to go beyond simple guidance and reflective checking in. You will need to become the active puller in the conversation, extracting more information than the speaker may be volunteering. I’m not necessarily talking about adversarial situations, such as grilling a crime suspect; I mean those times when the speaker is reluctant, guarded, shut down, or simply unaware that he may have more to say on the matter at hand. Active pulling requires a high level of commitment as a listener. It means that you are truly invested in understanding the other person and are willing to “go digging” in order to improve that understanding.

Run-of-the-mill listeners avoid active pulling; it’s too much work. Besides, you might annoy the speaker or hear something you don’t want to hear. It’s far easier to just take the speaker at face value. But if you want to become a first-rate listener, active pulling must be in your arsenal. If you sense there is an unspoken message hiding below the surface, sometimes you must go after it.

Ultimately, you become the beneficiary of your own active pulling. You clear the air of unspoken thoughts and feelings around you. This frees you from the negative consequences of those hidden feelings. Think about it: would you rather find out why your spouse feels hurt, or live with three days of one-word answers and slammed doors? Would you rather find out why your boss no longer confides in you, or allow his unspoken feelings to derail your career?

By active pulling, you keep the channels of communication around you clear. You check in with people to make sure there are no unspoken issues. You take the emotional temperature around you and try to address problems before they harden into negativity. You don’t accept a sullen “Nothing” in answer to the question, “What’s wrong?” You dig, you prod, you check under the hood. You’re not afraid to play amateur therapist.

A journalist is a professional puller. Journalists get their interview subjects to open up about their experiences and feelings. Doing so, of course, provides a more compelling interview or broadcast segment for readers and television audiences. Journalists will ask certain certain types of questions, each of which is an example of active pulling:

Open-ended versus closed-ended questions. A closed-ended question is one that is basically informational in nature and requires only a one-word answer, for example: “What’s in the shopping bag?” An open-ended question is one that requires a more expansive response, such as: “How did you like shopping at that new store?”

A closed-ended question from a doctor to a patient, for example, might be, “Do you have any major health issues you want to tell me about?” Many patients simply answer no to this; conversation over. An open-ended way to ask the question might be, “Tell me about your biggest health concern at the moment.” This assumes the patient has some health concerns (everyone does), and encourages more honest sharing.

Most of us have been taught, or know from experience, that asking open-ended questions is more effective than asking closed-ended ones. Then why don’t we do it more often? Harsh as this may sound, I think it’s because we really don’t want to invest the time and effort in listening to another person’s perspective. We’d rather load the question so as to get the answer we want to hear.

Feeling questions. Questions like, “How do you feel about that?” and, “Why do you feel so strongly about this?” are effective and get to the core of the matter quickly. There’s a good reason for this. Feeling questions, by nature, get to the heart of an issue and invite thoughtful, expansive responses. In business situations, we tend to stick to informational questions. And yet feelings lie at the heart of most decision-making, even in business. I’m not suggesting that you should turn business meetings into therapy sessions, but it is crucial to learn how customers, team members, employees, supervisors, and others feel about new initiatives, products, and personnel. Why? Because feelings dictate behavior.

Leading questions. These questions are intended to land someone on a particularly fruitful topic. We are taught how to use them, particularly in sales, and the skilled communicator understands their value. “How do you feel about seeing your ex this Christmas?” is probably a more productive question than, “Are you enjoying the holidays?” In a business environment, “How are the budget cuts impacting the new project?” beats a simple, “How’s it going?” because it encourages the employee to focus on an issue that is likely causing him some concerns.

There are two kinds of leading questions: the type designed to get the answer you want to hear, and the type designed to help people open up about an area of their concern.

Which do you suppose I recommend?

Sleeping Dogs?

Being a good herder sometimes means leading people to places they don’t even want to go themselves. To do this, you must be willing to deal with negative energy. Often the reason some people are reticent about a topic is that they are feeling resentful, angry, or blameful about it. They may not feel it is safe or appropriate to voice these negative feelings. To encourage them to speak openly is to risk having them dump their negativity on you, and that is no fun. Much of the reason people don’t engage in active pulling, I think, is that they don’t want to wake sleeping dogs. Better to let them lie.

But is it better, really? I find that by getting negative energy on the table as early as possible, you defuse it before it has a chance to metastasize into long-term resentment. Healthy, mature couples, for example, learn to express their disagreements as soon as they arise, then move on. They don’t let small issues fester into big ones. Less mature couples, however, may strive to “keep the peace” at all costs, failing to state their disagreements openly. In these relationships, there are often smoldering veins of resentment that poison the air over time and drive a wedge between the partners.

Paradoxically, avoiding negative emotions actually brings more of them into your life. People who don’t like talking about “negative” things end up holding on to their negative energy rather than releasing it. They deny feeling bad, but they express it in other ways.

Ask yourself: would a dog do this? If you pulled a dog’s tail or bothered a dog while it was eating, would the dog smile bitterly at you and say, “Everything’s fine”? No, it would snap at you or give you a sharp bark, right away, to let you know it was not pleased with you.

Dogs don’t carry negative energy around. You never feel like the mood just got heavy because a dog walked into the room. Quite the opposite, actually. Dogs carry clean energy because they express their negative impulses the moment they occur.

Listener Prep

In today’s listening-challenged world, it’s not enough to be good listeners ourselves. You must empower others to listen better to you. “Listener prep” is something I find myself doing more and more these days. By that I mean setting up the listener to do a better job of listening by establishing clear goals and expectations for the conversation.

If I make a business phone call, for example, I might say something like this after the initial pleasantries have been exchanged: “I want to share a funny story with you. After that, I’m going to explain to you why the story is relevant to the goals we’re trying to accomplish. Then, if you don’t mind, I want to ask your opinion on an important related matter. The whole thing should take about five to ten minutes. Do you have time now or should I call back at a better time?”

It may seem oddly artificial to “set up” a conversation ahead of time like that, but it can be immensely beneficial in many ways. First of all, it tells the other person how to orient their brain right from the start. In an average conversation, you often have no idea what the other person’s agenda is. You end up spending half the conversation trying to figure out why the person is talking to you and how long it’s going to take. Meanwhile, you’re not really listening to the person. However, when the other person tells you what his goals and expectations are, you know what to expect, so you can lower your anxiety. Remember, people love clear expectations.

Offering the listener an estimated time frame for the conversation lowers the anxiety level even more, because now the person no longer has to worry about the talk turning into an unwelcome gabfest that is going to eat up half his afternoon. Even if it is going to be a long conversation, by offering him a heads-up about it, you at least give him a choice in the matter. By agreeing to continue the conversation, he is giving you his commitment to listen.

Preparing a listener is like showing a dog a ball before you get in the car to go to the park. Now the dog knows what to expect and can eagerly anticipate a game of fetch (and behave accordingly).

Telling others your expectations of them helps them to better play the listening role you require. Most people don’t automatically know what role to play. Should they be leading or following? Making a joke? Offering an opinion? Just keeping their mouths shut? It helps to be told. For example, when I call a friend, I often preface the conversation by saying something like, “I need to talk something out with you; I’m not looking for advice,” or, if I do need advice, I might say, “I really need your help sorting something out.” Some of my friends do this with me, too. It’s a big help because it tells you, as the listener, how to be most useful and supportive to the other person. It takes off the pressure to play Yoda when the person only wants an ear. On the other hand it cues you to listen more critically if you know your advice is wanted.

Teaching others about the kind of listening you want at any given time may be the best herding of all. This is another great thing about dogs as listeners, no instruction or coaching is necessary.

Supporting the Speaker

You can do the same sort of thing for the speaker when it’s your turn to listen. Simply ask the speaker how you can best serve him or her. At the beginning of a conversation, if I’m going to serve primarily as the listener, I might ask, “How can I best help you? Would you like me to just listen or are you hoping for some feedback?” Help me help you is the theme I try to communicate. When you ask speakers what kind of listening they want, they become much more focused in their communication, right from the get-go.

As the conversation unfolds, you can further support the speaker by periodically announcing what you’re up to on the listening end. When I’ve been listening silently to another person on the phone for a while, for instance, I might say, “I’m just trying to take in everything you’re sharing; that’s why I’m not saying much.” This helps lower the anxiety level in the speaker. He or she knows my quietness isn’t because I’m texting my buddies about tonight’s big game, but because I’m listening carefully.

Managing Role Shifts

In most conversations, the roles of listener and speaker shift from time to time. You may be the speaker for a while, then you’re the listener, then the speaker again—back and forth. Again, it can be helpful to announce these shifts explicitly, so that both of you feel adequately heard and are on the same page. I’ll often say things like, “I want to respond to what you just said, but first I want to make sure you’ve said everything you want to say,” or, “I just have one more point to make, then I want to be quiet and hear what you have to say.” Making the expectations clear allows you to shift back and forth between speaking and listening roles without fearing you’re being rude or presumptuous or cutting the other person off before they’ve had their complete say.

Setting Limits

Sometimes your role as a herder is to rein in the speaker—like a dog that must keep a sheep from walking off a cliff, even if that means giving it a nip on the heel.

Let’s face it: some speakers can be obnoxious, unfocused, unprepared, and/or inconsiderate. They may carry on about meaningless minutiae, insult or bore their audience, and/or wander from topic to topic with no discernible sense of direction. Sometimes, for the sake of the clock or the sanity of others, including yourself, you must get the speaker to stop, for the love of God (or Dog), and change course. Breaking off eye contact, looking around the room, and turning your body slightly away are some subtle, semi-polite ways to do this. But sometimes actively interrupting is necessary. Sometimes you just need to put up a big ol’ stop sign.

Being a good listener does not mean being a doormat. Part of good listening is being a critical listener, and if the other person stubbornly refuses to make a point, you must let him know that your time and attention are valuable.

After you’ve made a few subtle attempts to herd the speaker onto a more productive trail, there is nothing wrong with politely curtailing the conversation or asking the speaker to get back on track. You may suggest something like, “Why don’t you go back to your earlier point, since it seemed important to you.”

The Finish Line

Finally, one of the most important herding steps you can take is to let the speaker know if and when she has reached her destination. When it becomes clear that she’s said everything she needs to say—perhaps she begins repeating herself or lapsing into filler comments—you can show her that she has successfully “made it home” by summing up what she said in an accurate, insightful manner. Summing up not only puts a punctuation mark on the speaker’s output, but also gives the speaker confidence that you have received the message fully and completely.

You may even wish to propose action steps for moving forward. Proposing action steps is the best way to show that you have fully grasped the speaker’s message. Not only do you understand it, but you have internalized it to the point where you can confidently state what needs to happen next, and you care enough to play an active part in making that next step happen.

Something to
Chew On . . .

Nipper

One of the most iconic images of the twentieth century was the famous logo of Nipper, the RCA dog, listening intently to a gramophone horn, often accompanied by the words, “His Master’s Voice.” If a picture is worth a thousand words, then Nipper’s must be worth 10 million—capturing the essence of listening itself. Is it a coincidence that the most universal symbol for listening uses a dog as its subject and not a human?

The real Nipper lived in Bristol, England, in the late 1800s, and was a mixed-breed who got his name because he would bite the backs of visitors’ legs (probably because they were talking too much). After the passing of his original owner, Mark Henry Barraud, Nipper went to live with Henry’s brothers, Philip and Francis. Nipper passed away several years later but left a big impression on Francis, who painted a picture of Nipper intently listening to a wind-up cylinder phonograph. Francis eventually sold the painting to The Gramophone Company, which later became RCA. The rest is advertising history, and the iconic image became an international symbol of quality and excellence for the brand.

The artist, Francis Barraud, said, “It is difficult to say how the idea came to me beyond that fact that it suddenly occurred to me that to have my dog listening to the phonograph, with an intelligent and rather puzzled expression, and call it ‘His Master’s Voice’ would make an excellent subject. We had a phonograph and I often noticed how puzzled he was to make out where the voice came from. It certainly was the happiest thought I ever had.” 1

1 Rolfs, Joan & Robin. (2007). Nipper Collectibles, The RCA Victor Trademark Dog. Audio Antique LLC, USA.

Nipper’s iconic image can even be found in statuary from Japan to New York, including an enormous four-ton Nipper that sits atop a building in Albany. The way we listen to our music might change, but listening like a dog never goes out of fashion.