Chapter 3
Heather
My phone was chiming in the middle of the night. That was something that hardly ever happened unless it was an emergency. I picked up the phone and grimaced as I tried to see the number. I heaved a sigh, releasing air from my slightly parted lips, when I saw Rocko’s name across the screen. Why in the hell was he calling me?
“What?” I answered angrily.
“That’s how you answer the phone, Heather? You didn’t answer not one letter I sent, and you didn’t bring my baby girl to see me. I’m home now, and I want to see her. Come open the door.”
That woke me up completely, and I sat straight up in bed. I blinked a few times, trying to make sense of why he thought it was okay to come to my house in the middle of the night.
He rang the doorbell. “It’s me, Rocko,” he told me on the phone.
I made a disapproving groan. “I know who it is, fool. Why are you here?”
“I want to see my daughter.”
Rocko had seen her only two times in her whole life. For all she knew, my boyfriend was her daddy.
I eased out from under my warm blanket, and a cool draft greeted me. I sat on the edge of the bed, feet dangling. “I know you’re not really at my front door right now.”
“That’s exactly where I am. Don’t make me ring the doorbell again.”
“Yeah, please don’t do that. I don’t want you to wake Niara up.”
“Okay, so open the door.”
I stood up and walked out of my bedroom. “You drove all the way from Sacramento in the middle of the night to see Niara? Couldn’t you wait until the morning?”
“I could’ve, but I didn’t want to wait until then. I want to see her right now.”
I frowned. Everything always had to be on his timing. He was a “right now” type of man, and it was irritating as fuck.
“What do you need to see her right now for?”
“Why you acting like that? Is he in there or something?”
“You showed up here unannounced, so don’t worry about who I got up in here.”
“Are you going to let me in or what?”
I walked down the stairs slowly. My boyfriend and I didn’t live together, but we had keys to one another’s places.
I pulled my shorts down from where they had risen and made sure I was decent before going down the second set of stairs. After running my fingers through my short mane, I turned on the hall light and stared through the peephole in the front door. Rocko was indeed at my door, as he’d said.
I flung open the door. “What in the hell are you doing here?”
He stared at me as if he didn’t recognize me. “Damn, Heather, look at you . . .”
Everything about the old me, I had to let go of. I had shed seventy pounds and had cut my hair. I was no longer the overweight, insecure girl who hid behind her long, curly hair. I was a strong, proud woman who walked with her head up.
I closed the door after I let him in. “Does Troi know you here?” I asked.
Without responding, he followed me up the stairs to the living room and sat on the couch. He made himself comfortable as his eyes drank in my body from head to toe.
I leaned up against the wall and folded my arms. “Why are you here?”
He avoided that question as he observed everything about me. “Nothing was wrong with the way you used to look, if I’m allowed to say that. How have you been?”
“Your daughter is fine.” I rolled my eyes.
“I came by to check on you guys.”
“Stop right there. Hold up.” I paused as I tried to make sense of this. “You came by in the middle of the night to check on us? You could’ve called for that.”
“True, but I’m here now, so can I go upstairs and see my daughter?”
“No. She’s sleeping, like she should be. You do know she turned three last month, on the thirteenth.”
He looked as if what I said didn’t affect him. “Of course I know that. That’s why I sent her birthday money through my mother. Did you get it?”
“Yeah, but she didn’t get her daddy.”
“Well, unfortunately, Daddy was doing a little time.” He picked up a baby doll that was lying next to him on the couch. “Look, Heather, I don’t want my only little girl to grow up without me. I know I haven’t been perfect, and I need to do better. Life is too short.”
I could hear Niara coming down the stairs, which upset me because I hadn’t wanted him to wake her up. She walked straight to me.
I picked her up as she rubbed her eyes.
“Mommy,” she whined.
“Shhh,” I whispered, rubbing her back.
“She’s gotten so big now.” He seemed to be surprised at how much she had grown since the last time he saw her. He put the doll aside, stood, and extended his arms toward us.
“Niara,” I said. “Look, sweetie. Do you know who that is?”
She stared at him as she responded, “That’s my daddy.”
“Yes, Niara. It’s your daddy,” he said.
She buried her head in my shoulder, but then she looked up at him. He reached for her again, and she slid down my waist to go to him.
He lifted her up and stared into her eyes before he hugged her. “Heather, she’s so fucking pretty. She looks like my mother.”
“She does,” I admitted.
Niara wrapped her arms around his neck. He kissed her forehead and held her as if he never wanted to let go. Niara got comfortable in his arms as he caressed her hair.
I hated to interrupt their little reunion, but it was not the time to do this. I was ready to go back to bed. “Are you going to come back in the morning or what? Not to kick you out or anything, but we’re going back to bed.”
“Can I stay? I’ll take her back to Sacramento with me as soon as the sun comes up.”
“I’m not sure I understand why you think that’s a good idea. Your woman doesn’t even know about her.”
He looked at me as if what I had said wasn’t what he had thought I would say. “Let me crash here. I don’t want to jump on the freeway to go back home, and I don’t want to find a hotel this late. I can sleep right here on the couch, with Niara in my arms.”
I examined his face, but I couldn’t figure out why he had the sudden urge to be around her. I hoped he wasn’t going to keep popping in and out of her life as he pleased, but his sincere expression was one I hadn’t seen before, and it made my heart soften a little.
“As soon as the sunlight peeks through these blinds, I want you gone. I’ll think about whether I want you to take Niara with you.”
“All right,” he answered. “That’s fine.”
I went to the hall closet to get him a blanket. I tossed it next to him as he sat down on the couch, Niara still in his arms.
“Thank you,” he said, taking off his shoes.
I walked upstairs to my room without another word to him.
* * *
Forceful, rough hands jerked me out of my sleep. I looked up, and Jared was staring down at me with an uncomfortable and distraught look. The tiny freckles resting on the bridge of his nose had disappeared underneath the redness that had consumed his face. I stared at my window and saw that the sun was shining.
“Why is Rocko sleeping on your couch with my daughter on his chest?”
“Jared,” I replied, sitting up. “Can I tell you what’s going on before you overreact?”
His chest heaved up and down. “I’m listening.”
“He came to see Niara.”
Jared’s light brown eyes glared at me. Jared knew Rocko. They were childhood friends, and they had been best friends at one time in their lives. When I went into early labor, the first person I called other than my mother was Jared. He came to the hospital without thinking twice about it. He hated the way Rocko treated me. Jared had always been a good friend to me. Our friendship had developed into a loving relationship, and their friendship had ended in a fistfight.
“When is he supposed to be leaving?”
“He should be getting up now,” I replied. “He wants to take Niara with him to Sacramento.”
His eyebrows rose to his hairline as he shouted, “Fuck, no, Heather!”
I tried to ease his anger and frustration by saying, “I know it sounds crazy, but he seems like he really wants to spend time with her today. Plus, I could use a break.”
“If you want a break, send her to your mama’s house.”
There was a knock on the bedroom door. Jared looked at me through his narrowed eyes as if he wanted to kill me. The two of them hadn’t been face-to-face in years, and the pit of my stomach turned. I didn’t want these fools fighting in front of my child.
“Be cool, baby,” I said to Jared in a soft voice before opening the bedroom door.
Jared huffed and puffed as he stood close to my backside.
“Is it cool that I take her with me?” Rocko asked, with Niara in his arms.
“Yeah. Let me get her things together and put them in her suitcase,” I told him.
“I don’t need a suitcase. She’ll be fine with just a few things.”
Rocko and Jared exchanged glances. Neither one of them felt the need to say anything to the other.
“I’m going to pack a bunch of her stuff, because you don’t know what she needs,” I said, trying to ease the tension.
Jared’s five-foot-ten frame was giving off such a defensive vibe that I thought he was going to hit Rocko, and Rocko smirked at the notion.
“Come get this suitcase, Rocko.” I walked across the hall to Niara’s bedroom.
He followed me, but not before he could look Jared up and down.
Jared stormed down the stairs and out the front door, slamming it behind him.
“I see you two still rocking,” Rocko said with a stern look on his face.
I ignored him and changed the subject. “When will you have her back?”
“I’m going to take her to see my mom and dad. We’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Okay. She’s going to really like that. Niara loves your parents. Have you come clean with Troi about her?”
“Yeah, she knows about her now, but we broke up. She ran into Mai.”
I remained silent, wondering how that had ended up happening, but then I shook it out of my head. That was none of my business. I knew about Mai only because she had gone out of her way to introduce herself at Rocko’s mother’s house. She wanted our children to know one another, and I didn’t trip, because our children needed to know one another regardless of whether Rocko was around or not.
I tried to find Niara’s cutest outfits, but I couldn’t seem to see what I was looking for. Everything I wanted her to wear was dirty. I hadn’t gotten around to doing the laundry yet.
“Stop. I’ll buy my baby some clothes and diapers. Don’t worry about it.”
“First of all, she’s potty trained, so you don’t need diapers. She wears a 3T in clothes. Are you sure you don’t need an outfit or two?”
“I got this. We’ll be fine.”
I looked him right in his eyes, searching for a reason to change my mind. I was so nervous about him taking my baby that I was close to changing my mind. She spent the night away from me only when she went to my mother’s house.
“Heather, relax this weekend,” he said, reading my mind. “Have that nigga take you to Scoma’s.”
Scoma’s Restaurant had the freshest seafood in San Francisco, and I hadn’t been there since the last time Rocko took me, which was years ago. He was always trying to throw his money around.
“Rocko, I need you to get over your feelings about Jared. You two really need to talk things out. You were raised together.”
“Exactly. Our moms are still best friends and raised us like cousins. We took baths together as babies. You see where I’m coming from? He could’ve told me he was digging you. Now you got our baby’s godfather playing like he’s her real daddy. It doesn’t make any sense to me. He violated the code. Why he got you and my baby in this apartment, anyway? Y’all deserve better. What you do with the money I sent you?”
“That money went into her college fund.”
“Oh, that’s dope and smart. I got more to put in there.”
“Okay.”
He looked out the window while I changed her out of her pajamas. “I have to get her car seat out of your car. Which one is it?” he said.
“That white Honda parked right in front of the door.”
“That old, beat-up Honda?” Stepping away from the window, he badgered me with a scowl. “As much dope as that nigga sells, he can’t buy you a new whip?”
“The only thing I ask for Jared to do is to love us. I can buy my own shit. I’m working on building my credit. I don’t want to live in public housing forever.”
He seemed to be thrown off by my response. He was speechless, unable to come up with a rebuttal.
I put on Niara’s coat and shoes. We walked down the stairs and out into the crisp, cold bay air.
“Rocko, all I ask is that you don’t get into any trouble while she’s with you. I swear, if you have any warrants, you’re not taking her anywhere. Wait, do you have any warrants?”
“No. I just got out of jail.”
“Are you on any type of probation?”
“Yeah, but I’ll be off in three months.”
I grabbed the car seat out of my car. I secured the car seat in his truck and strapped Niara into it, my heart racing all the while.
“She’ll probably go back to sleep during the ride,” I said.
“Okay,” he said. “Thank you.”
“Please, call me if anything goes wrong. That’s my baby, and I wouldn’t know what to do if something happened to her.”
“Relax. She’s my baby too. I got her.”
I kissed her face, wanting to take her back in the house and tell him we could do this some other time, but I stopped myself because he was her father.
“Bye, baby,” I said.
“Bye, Mommy.”
His eyes were soft as he said, “While I was away this time, I got to thinking about how fucked up I’ve been. It’s time that I be a man and step up to the plate like my pop did. I had her picture up in my cell the entire time. I love my baby girl.”
“How’d you get a picture of her?”
“My mother sent it.”
I placed my arms across my chest and fought the uneasiness swirling in the pit of my stomach. “If you have any questions, call me.”
“I will. Enjoy your weekend.”
He hopped in his truck, and I headed back inside.
My cell phone started ringing, so I jogged upstairs to get it. When I looked down at the screen, I saw that it was my mother calling.
“Hi, Mom,” I answered before the call could go to voicemail.
“Hey, baby. What’s wrong?” she asked, as if she were a psychic.
I replied quickly, trying not to sound too troubled. “Nothing. What you doing up this early?”
“Something told me to give you a call. Is everything okay over there?”
I wasn’t going to be able to hide this, so I had to tell her. “Rocko showed up here late last night. Niara left with him this morning.”
She was silent for a second, and I could hear her breathing become slightly erratic. “Did you say Rocko showed up?”
“Yeah, but—”
“When he get out of jail?”
“Yesterday.”
“So, you let him take our baby?” she asked in a voice that was one octave higher.
“Mama, I’m going to go back to sleep.”
She grunted and sucked her teeth. “I can’t believe you still trust him enough to let him take off with our baby, and you about to sleep okay, knowing that? What does Jared think about all of this?”
“Jared is pissed, but he’ll get over it. What choice do I have? Rocko is her father,” I replied, shifting my weight to my left leg. “I can’t refuse him if he wants to be in her life. I won’t do that to her. She knows he’s her father.”
“Because he helped make her don’t make him her father, Heather.”
“Mom,” I groaned, rubbing the back of my neck. “I’m not in the mood for that right now.”
“Well, I’ll pray for him, but he really doesn’t deserve anything after the way he dogged you out. You don’t owe him a muthafuckin’ thing.”
“True, but I didn’t do it for him. I did it for Niara.”
“Hmm. Anyway, you and Jared should swing by later for dinner.”
“That sounds good, Mama. I’ll call you when we’re on our way.”
“Okay. Bye. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Call me the minute Rocko does anything crazy with our baby, you hear me?”
She didn’t have to worry about me calling her. I would hunt Rocko down and kill him if he put her in any type of danger while she was in his care. Still, I had to keep a positive mind to have peace. “I don’t think he’ll do anything crazy, but I’ll call you, all right?”
“Good. I’ll see you later.”
“I’ll see you later.”
I hung up, crawled into bed, looked up at the ceiling, and said a silent prayer for protection. I couldn’t help it. Suddenly, all the crazy memories Rocko and I shared came crashing down on me like the waves in the sea during a tsunami.
Rocko and I got together in the ninth grade. That was when we both lived in Sunnydale projects. He was selling dope, and I thought it was cute that he had hustle about him. I used to volunteer to hold money for him, and I even hid drugs in my mama’s house right before his very first bust. Rocko was my world.
On his eighteenth birthday, he caught a case and went to jail for a year. I held him down while he was away. When Rocko got out, he moved in with us because his mother didn’t want him with her. I got him to go back to school, and we worked hard to get his GED.
Soon I got pregnant. We started fighting over Rocko staying out too late and disrespecting my mother’s household. He got caught with more guns and more dope, so she kicked him out. He moved to Sacramento. When I was seven and a half months pregnant, he gave me a key to his new apartment, and for a while, his home was my weekend getaway. Then he started ignoring my calls, so I went to his place. When I opened the door to his apartment, Troi was sitting on his couch, wearing a black satin nightgown, with her bare feet up. She looked up at me, confusion appearing on her face. Instead of turning around and leaving, I stepped inside.
I looked around for Rocko. He wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen, which was adjacent to the living room. I could hear him in the back of the apartment, talking on the phone about moving more dope.
She kept her eyes on me, waiting for me to say something. I remembered this now like it was yesterday.
“Is Rocko here?” I asked.
“Yeah, he’s here, but who are you?” she questioned, standing up.
I didn’t say a word as I debated with myself about whether I should explain myself to her.
“Hello? I’m talking to you. Who are you?” she said.
“Oh. My name is Heather. And you are?”
“Don’t worry about who I am, Heather. Why do you have a key?”
Rocko came out of the room. When our eyes met, instant tears blurred my vision.
“What’s going on, Rocko?” I asked, holding on to my protruding stomach. The baby was kicking me like crazy, and my swollen legs felt weak.
“Who’s this bitch, Rocko?” she asked. “She just opened your door with a key. Is she having your baby?”
Rocko sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling.
I hated confrontations and didn’t care for drama. She was the reason why he didn’t check for me anymore.
“Obviously, you and I are over,” I said, dropping his key on the floor. “I’m gone for good this time.”
“This time?” Troi asked. “Rocko, you better start talking.”
“What you want him to say to you?” I asked, irritated. “Can’t you see I’m pregnant?” I pointed to my stomach. “I have a key to his spot, and he’s standing right here, looking stupid.”
Rocko wouldn’t make eye contact with me, so I turned and ran out the door and raced to my car.
When I got to my car, I looked behind me, and she was coming after me. Rocko came running out after us.
Then he finally found his voice. He said, “Wait, babes, I can explain. Let her leave so we can talk.”
Babes? He was calling her by the nickname he had always reserved for me.
His words didn’t slow her down one bit. “Wait up,” she said to me. “Let’s go ahead and get everything out on the table. Let’s talk like grown women.”
I spun around, with tears streaming down my face. “I’m due in two months, and before Rocko was your man, he was my man for four years.”
Unexpectedly, she attacked me like some wild banshee. I didn’t see it coming and didn’t expect her to hit me while I was pregnant and knock me to the ground. I thought she wanted to have a conversation like grown women did.
Rocko managed to grab her by both of her arms and lift her away from me.
“Get your hands off me, Rocko! Get off me!” she shouted, hitting him in his chest.
“Babes, calm down. Please, calm down. This is all one big misunderstanding.”
“Help me understand, Rocko! Is she having your baby or not?” Troi shouted.
“It’s not mine.”
I was writhing in unbearable pain while they argued with one another. He didn’t seem to notice me struggling to get up. He didn’t seem to care. They kept shouting back and forth. I climbed in my car and drove away, and the whole way back to the bay, I had labor pains. It got so bad that I drove myself to the hospital.
The front door opened, jolting me out of the painful memory, which had almost brought me to tears.
Jared walked up the stairs and into my bedroom. He sat on the bed.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m good now that he’s gone.”
“Are you sure?” I studied his light brown eyes.
“You’ve always been too good for him. You forgave him when you didn’t need to, and you loved him when you didn’t have to. I don’t want him to ruin this for us. He hasn’t been here for Niara like I have.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him. “I know. I appreciate everything you’ve done. Know that.”
“How often is he coming to get her?”
“I have no idea.”
He sighed heavily. “If he screws up one more time, I don’t want Niara to have anything to do with him ever again.”
That was something we both could agree on. “I’m with you on that.”
He examined me with a weird expression on his face. “You don’t still care about him, do you?”
My eyebrows sank into a deep frown. “Are you seriously asking me that question? Jared, you know firsthand that Rocko has taken me through hell and back. I will never go there again.”
“Did he say anything about Troi?”
The mere mention of her name made the deep hatred I had for her curdle in my core. “He said that she knows about Niara now, and that they broke up.”
I rested my head in the crook of his neck. I hoped that whatever reason Rocko had for showing up wouldn’t make me regret letting him back into our lives.