The next morning Nancy felt that the light seemed harder, clearer, more in focus. Or was it just her mood?
It was a normal Monday morning in every way but just as Felix was opening the door to leave, he turned and looked at Nancy. She was starting to dislike that look intensely. He began to say something, then didn’t speak, but stepped forward and gave Nancy a long hug. She was taken aback by this, but she didn’t want to push him away. She just put her arms lightly round him and gave his back a light tap. He stepped back and nodded slightly and left.
Nancy felt a huge sense of relief. Although she had the whole day, she decided she must act immediately. She rummaged in the cupboard in the bedroom and found two bags. That would be enough. She laid them out in the living room and began to pack them. She did it slowly and systematically. She couldn’t take everything, but she would need enough to last her for a couple of weeks, perhaps up to a month. She wasn’t sure how Felix would react to her leaving, so she didn’t want to leave behind anything she would really miss. She had to remind herself that she wasn’t packing for a holiday. She was about to start her life again. As she moved back and forward, between the bedroom and the living room and the bathroom, she hummed to herself determinedly.
The bell rang and she felt a wave of panic. What if Felix had come back for some reason? She didn’t want him to find her packing. She buzzed the front door open, heard the door close and then footsteps on the stairs. She opened the door and the sight that met her was so unexpected that it took a few seconds to recognise the man.
She moved back and Dr Roland Lowe stepped into the flat.
At first, she found it difficult even to speak. She had never seen him anywhere but in his office at the hospital. He was wearing a long, fawn-coloured overcoat and his pale face was flushed from the cold. He looked at his surroundings, blinking. Nancy was shocked and confused, but he seemed ill at ease as well.
She gave a nervous laugh.
‘This is a surprise,’ she said. ‘I didn’t know you made house calls. Did I forget an appointment?’
‘No. Nothing like that.’ He noticed the cases on the floor. ‘Are you packing?’
‘It’s only good news,’ said Nancy. ‘I’m taking control of my life. I’m moving out and I’m looking to start a restaurant again.’
He responded oddly to this. He didn’t nod or smile. He just looked at her in the way he did when he was deciding whether to increase her dose or reduce it.
‘It all sounds a bit sudden,’ he said.
She laughed again and there was an edge to her laughter.
‘There’s a bit of me that wants to say that that’s my business rather than yours.’
Again, he didn’t smile or attempt to defend himself. He just looked at her and she was struck even more strongly by the strangeness of his being there.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘Why are you here? If you wanted to see me, why didn’t you just ring me and arrange an appointment?’
He muttered something under his breath as if he was struggling to find the right words.
‘I don’t do this lightly,’ he said. ‘I mean, coming to your home. It’s just that I’ve received some reports. Some concerning reports.’
‘You mean about me?’
‘Yes.’
‘Who’s been sending reports to you? Why would someone do that?’
Dr Lowe was fidgeting with his coat and Nancy noticed that he had done up the buttons wrongly so that the edges of the coat at the bottom didn’t join properly.
‘Sometimes,’ he said, speaking slowly and deliberately, ‘someone can be in a crisis and what is needed is a quiet time, a controlled time, in which the crisis can be assessed and dealt with.’
‘I don’t know what that has to do with me,’ said Nancy. ‘I’m not in a crisis. I’m feeling much better and I’m getting on with my life.’
Dr Lowe looked down at the half-packed bags.
‘Or upending your life.’
‘You can call it what you like, but it’s my life. I still don’t get what you’re doing in my flat.’ She heard the note of panic in her own voice. ‘I don’t get what this is about. I came to see you after my brief episode. You increased my dosage very slightly and it worked.’
He frowned. ‘Nancy, is it true that you broke into a neighbour’s flat, that flat where a woman had recently taken her own life?’
‘What are you talking about? What’s that got to do with you?’ She took a deep breath. ‘All right, I’ll explain. I walked past the door of the flat and saw that the cleaners had left it open and I stepped inside to look.’
‘You were also found rummaging through her garbage.’
‘Is that fucking Barney or was it Dylan? Or Michelle? Did they somehow find you?’
‘Who got in touch with me is not the issue. Is it true?’
‘And did you hear that another neighbour said I’d come on to him. Did you hear that?’
Dr Lowe paused and seemed to consider this.
‘No,’ he said. ‘No, I hadn’t heard that.’
‘It’s not important anyway. None of it’s important.’
‘Everything’s important,’ said Dr Lowe, ‘and it’s severely worrying, when seen as a whole.’
There was a long silence. Dr Lowe was still staring at her. She felt like an animal in a zoo.
‘Nancy.’ His voice was severe and quiet, as if he was a judge delivering a sentence. ‘It is my considered opinion that you are in need of medical help. Will you accept my recommendation that you should voluntarily spend some time in hospital to recover?’
‘What the fuck!’ Dread washed through her. ‘Hospital? No! No, of course I won’t.’
‘That’s what I thought.’
‘Then you were right,’ said Nancy. ‘And I think you should leave now and if you don’t leave I will call the police.’
‘A moment, please,’ said Dr Lowe, taking his phone from his pocket. He held it in front of his face and tapped at it like someone confronted with an unfamiliar device.
‘If you’re calling an Uber, you can do it from the street. Fuck off and I never, ever, ever want to see you again.’
Dr Lowe replaced his phone and stood there, apparently lost in thought.
‘I said leave! You have no rights.’
The doorbell rang, making Nancy start. He walked towards the door but instead of opening it and leaving, he looked at the control box and jabbed the two buttons.
‘Which is the one that opens the street door?’ he said.
‘What are you talking about? I said you should leave.’
There were footsteps on the stairs, multiple footsteps getting louder. Dr Lowe opened the door and a man and a woman stepped in. Behind them, Nancy could see just the tops of the heads of two other people. But they stayed outside and Dr Lowe pushed the door to without closing it completely.
The man and the woman were both dressed for the cold outdoors, the man in a grey donkey jacket and the woman in a long brown coat that reached almost to her ankles. Nancy looked at them in bemusement and they looked at her with curiosity and almost, Nancy thought, tenderness. That was worse than anything. She put both hands up as if to ward them off.
They were both about her own age and seemed like the sort of people who could have been her friends. The man was kind-looking with floppy brown hair and a wispy beard. The woman was tall, with her dirty blonde hair tied up in a bun, as if it had been done in a hurry.
‘No,’ said Nancy. ‘No no no no.’
‘Nancy, I am Imogen Boyce,’ said the woman in a soft, clear voice. ‘I’m a GP at the Green Park practice, where you’re registered.’
‘You’ve never met me.’
‘I’m very sorry,’ said Dr Boyce. ‘I know this must be distressing for you.’
‘No,’ said Nancy. ‘Go away. All of you go away. I’m packing, can’t you see. I’m going to begin my new life.’
‘I’m Steve McDonnell.’ The man took a step forward. ‘I am an accredited mental health professional.’
‘You don’t need to be here. None of you need to be here. It’s a mistake.’ Her growing sense of terror was hot inside her chest; she tried to speak more calmly, to appear rational, but her legs were shaking so much she almost fell over, and Imogen Boyce put an arm out to steady her, which she shook off.
‘This is my home, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave. If there’s anything you want to talk about, we can arrange an appointment in your office at the hospital.’
Dr Lowe glanced at the doctor and the social worker, then he looked at her once more with a more resolute, more dispassionate expression. When he spoke, it was like he was reciting a prepared speech.
‘Out of concern for your welfare and safety and the welfare and safety of others, I am recommending that you need to be admitted to hospital under section two of the Mental Health Act.’
‘You can’t do that. I know my rights. I know you can’t do this. It’s a violation, an abuse. You can only do this if I’m a risk to myself or to others. And I’m not. You can’t say I am.’
‘Nancy,’ said Steve Mc Donnell. ‘You have the right to put your case, and I am here to see that the right decision is made once I have the evidence. Nobody wants you to be detained against your will if it isn’t necessary.’
‘Just let me go then,’ said Nancy. ‘You’ll never hear from me again.’
‘There have been various concerns. You seem to have become convinced that the young woman who took her life died in suspicious circumstances. You told the police this, and also your neighbours.’
‘That doesn’t mean I’m mad. I mean, what if I’m right?’
She saw at once from the melancholy expression on McDonnell’s face that she had said the wrong thing.
‘You have been acting in a wild and irrational way, according to friends.’
‘What friends?’
‘And your neighbour Michelle Strauss has reported your last encounter.’
‘Michelle? Why has she got anything to do with this? When I first moved in she was all neighbourly, wanting to be helpful, and then just as suddenly she turned against me. She and her unpleasant husband.’
‘Is that why you told her you were going to kill her? Or kill yourself?’
‘What?’ said Nancy, stunned. ‘Kill? I never said anything like that.’
‘You didn’t have words with her?’
‘I had words with her. I had lots of words. But not that. Is that what she said?’
‘Are you saying it’s untrue?’
‘Of course it’s untrue. Why would she say that?’ Nancy felt suddenly nauseous and dizzy. The room swam. She stared from face to face. ‘She’s trying to put me away so I don’t make trouble. You have to believe me. You have to. She’s lying and I know why she’s lying.’
She turned to the GP; surely this woman with a nice, tired face would see she was telling the truth.
‘You believe me, don’t you?’
‘Please,’ said McDonnell, holding up his hand, but she plunged on.
‘It proves I was right all along. Michelle wants to silence me, which means she must know something. She knows who killed Kira.’
She stopped. The room was silent.
‘You’ll get better in hospital,’ said McDonnell with a terrible gentleness.
‘I can’t go into hospital again,’ said Nancy. ‘I can’t. I just can’t. I’ll do anything but don’t send me there. Please don’t send me there.’
‘You’ll be safe. You can get better.’
‘You can’t make me. I’m an adult. I’ve got a right to refuse treatment.’
‘If you are detained under section two of the Mental Health Act, you have no choice in the matter, although once in hospital you do have a right of appeal.’
‘Felix will tell you,’ said Nancy desperately. ‘He’ll tell you I’m not a risk. Call Felix.’
‘He’s actually outside,’ said Dr Lowe. ‘Waiting.’
‘What do you mean, waiting?’ She suddenly felt horribly cold, as if winter was pressing in on her, thinning her blood and shaking her limbs. ‘Why?’
But she knew. Even before Felix came in and she saw how he couldn’t look at her and how his cheeks were wet with tears, she knew.
‘It was you,’ she said. ‘You did this? You?’
‘Darling Nancy.’ He held his hands out imploringly.
‘You,’ she repeated.
‘If you could just…’
‘Don’t speak to me. Don’t touch me. Nobody. I say no.’ She looked around and reached for her jacket. ‘You all tell me I have no choice. Well, you just try and make me. I’m leaving now.’
She pushed past Dr Lowe and past Felix and made for the door. As she pulled it open, she found herself confronted by two men dressed in green scrubs.
‘Don’t even try,’ she said, her voice guttural. ‘I’m warning you.’
But as she pushed herself between them, she was gripped hard by both arms and almost lifted off her feet as she was dragged back into her room and onto her sofa. Even there they held her in position, kneeling on the sofa on either side of her. She tried to wriggle herself free, but they were holding her rigid. She tried to butt at them with her head and to kick at them. She started to shout and scream and swear. Maybe someone outside, even in the street, would hear her and call the police.
One of the men, his large pink face apologetic, put his free hand over her mouth. She tried to bite it.
‘Careful,’ said Dr Lowe. ‘Don’t choke her.’ He leaned down towards her. ‘Nancy, you are coming with us to hospital. If you won’t come, you will be forcibly restrained and transported. If you keep screaming like this, you will be sedated. Do you understand?’
He nodded at the man, who lifted his hand.
‘You fucking fuck off,’ she shouted. ‘Get off me. You can’t do this to me.’ Then she was half shouting, half crying and the hand was once more spread over her mouth. But she didn’t stop shouting and she didn’t stop wriggling. She had to stop this somehow. She wasn’t going to co-operate. She wasn’t going to give in.
Her vision was blurred by her tears and perhaps also by her rage. She saw the outline of Dr Lowe retreat, get smaller and then it got larger again. She felt a coldness against the soft skin of her arm, and then the coldness spread along the arm. Everything went soft and blurry. The weight that was on her mouth softened and she tried to scream but she couldn’t manage it. There was a soft moan that seemed to come from another person, somewhere far away in another world.
Dimly, this body that didn’t fully belong to her anymore was lifted up. She was still making the hopeless effort to resist. She wouldn’t walk. She made her body a dead weight. They would have to drag her.
She didn’t know how or who was doing it but her feet were held and lifted. She still tried to fight against it, moaning like a dying animal. Her head cracked on something. She somehow, through a fog, realised it was the doorframe. She was tipping forward and she heard heavy footsteps on the stairs and then felt the cold air of the street.
There was a pause and then somehow, out of that fog, that fog that was like a dream or another world, she saw the face of Michelle looking down at her. It was the last moment of clarity, like a gap in the clouds that shows a glimpse of the moon, and in that moment, she saw what looked like an expression of triumph.
And then everything turned to grey and then to black.