The second session with Dr Stephanie Cavendish seemed completely unlike the first. Her office had felt homely and reassuring. Now it felt unreal, like a stage set. The photograph of the fox on the ice had felt glowing and warm. Now Nancy just felt the coldness of the ice, sucking the life out of everything around it. Stephanie Cavendish had seemed like someone who could have been her friend. Now she saw her as an opponent, trying to lure her into revealing secrets that could be used against her.
It felt so different that Nancy wondered if she was being paranoid. Was this what madness felt like?
‘I was sorry that our last meeting ended the way it did,’ said Dr Cavendish.
Nancy considered how to answer this. Was the doctor still trying to pretend that they were like two girlfriends chatting over coffee? It didn’t matter. She knew what she had to do.
‘Why were you sorry?’ she asked meekly.
‘Because you were angry, in pain and in denial.’
Nancy looked out of the window and then back again.
‘I don’t want to be any of those things. We started off on the wrong foot.’
‘I’m glad to hear you say that.’
‘I saw another doctor,’ Nancy said.
‘I know. Dr Tost. He told me about your session.’
‘He said I could be moved from section two to section three and if that happens, I could be here for years. I could be locked up for the rest of my life. That can’t be right, can it?’
Dr Cavendish gave her friendly smile.
‘That sounds a bit over-dramatic. What we care about is your safety and the safety of those around you.’
Nancy tried to make herself smile back.
‘Look at me,’ she said. ‘Do I look like a threat to the safety of people around me?’
‘You threatened to kill someone.’
Once more Nancy had to stop herself shouting that this was completely untrue. Instead, she looked thoughtful and nodded her head several times.
‘I want to get better,’ she said. ‘I want to leave here and start my life again. I suppose you want the same thing.’
‘Of course we do.’ That same smile.
‘But how will you know when I’m safe to let out? What do I have to do?’
‘That’s a complicated question. Our conversations with you form part of our assessment. But what is more important is your behaviour overall, your ability to follow rules, to take your medication, to take part in the group therapy sessions. Above all, you need to have genuine insight into your condition. You need to take responsibility for it and work with us to help yourself. When we last met, you were telling me about how the man you lived with, your friends and your neighbours, had got together to make you look insane and get you sectioned. These are your friends and the man who loves you. Do you hear how that sounds?’ Now Dr Cavendish wasn’t smiling. ‘I’m going to be frank with you. What I heard and saw at our last session was a woman who perceives everyone around her as an enemy and if she were released, there would be a very real danger that she would carry out the threats she has made.’
Nancy felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. She could barely speak.
‘What do I do?’ was all she could manage.
‘Be good. Do what you’re told. Show you can be a citizen and that you’re facing up to the truth. It’s really very simple.’
Nancy clenched her hands. She put an expression of contrition on her face. She looked the doctor in the eyes.
‘I will,’ she said with great earnestness. ‘I want to be well.’
‘It will take work and courage.’
‘I know. I’m ready.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said a voice.
Nancy had been lying on her bed, lost in thought, almost in a dream, and the voice had startled her. A nurse was standing in the doorway. He was one of the male nurses. Tall, with long black hair, tied in a pony tail. His lower arms were a sleeve of tattoos, signs and symbols and fantasy warriors. The name tag on his chest identified him as Mil Burns.
‘What did you say?’
‘You looked like you were worrying about something.’
‘I was just thinking.’
‘You didn’t come to lunch,’ he said. ‘I came to check that you were all right.’
‘I’m all right. I just wasn’t hungry.’
‘Do you want me to bring you something?’
Nancy looked round at him in some surprise.
‘No. I’m fine. I’ll make up for it at supper.’
‘Is anything up?’
‘I’m just trying to get things straight in my head.’
‘What sort of things?’
Nancy swung her legs down onto the floor so that she was sitting instead of lying. She looked at the nurse once more. It felt a shock to be talked to in a normal tone.
‘I had a meeting with one of the doctors.’
‘Which one?’
‘Dr Cavendish.’
The nurse grinned.
‘Stef Cavendish. Yeah, she can be a bit of a challenge.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘She thinks highly of herself. Let’s leave it at that.’
‘I don’t care if she thinks highly of herself. I just want her to think that I’m okay and that I can be discharged.’
‘And how’s that going?’
‘Not very well. I think I’m seen as…’ Nancy stopped and searched for the right word. ‘Unco-operative.’
‘Yeah,’ said Mil. ‘I’ve heard a bit about that. You want some advice?’
‘I think I could do with some.’
Mil pushed the door shut and came and sat down on the bed beside Nancy. She could smell his scent and also something medicinal.
‘It’s all a bit of a game in here,’ he said. ‘It’s like being in the playground at school. It’s all about being in the right gang or the right friendship group. You’ve got the cool kids and you’ve got the people who are picked on and left out.’
‘I thought it was about curing people,’ said Nancy.
Mil laughed. ‘Mainly it’s about getting through the day without having too many disasters. I’ve had my eye on you. You don’t look as if you belong here.’
‘That’s right. I don’t belong here.’
‘As I say, it’s all a game and if you want to get out of here, you’ve got to play the game. You’ve been rubbing people the wrong way, not taking your meds, not co-operating. All these people, they’re only human, and if you make their job difficult, then they’ll make things difficult for you.’
‘I can see that,’ said Nancy. ‘I didn’t mean to cause trouble. I’m going to try to be a bit more easygoing.’
‘That’s the spirit. What you need, in this place, is to have people in your corner. On your side. I mean, you’re someone who’d have no trouble making friends. You’re beautiful. Has anyone told you that? If not, they should have.’
He put his hand on her head and softly ran it down her hair. Nancy froze. She felt like a jolt of cold electricity was running through her body. His hand moved down until she felt it in the middle of her back.
‘I’d like you stop doing that,’ she said.
‘I’m just being friendly,’ he said. ‘You know, what you’ll discover, is that if you have a special friend in here, then you can get any help you want. I can do you a lot of good.’
She moved away from him and stood up with her back to the wall. He stood up as well and stepped towards her. He was tall, towering over her.
‘As I say, I could be a good friend to you. I could also be an enemy and I can tell you that you really wouldn’t want me as an enemy.’ He lifted his hand to cup her face. She flinched and jerked away from him, and he laughed. ‘Hey. You should just relax. You might even enjoy it.’
He dropped his hand and gripped her breast. She could smell his sour breath. He leaned in towards her. She waited until his body was up against hers and then, with all the force she could manage, she brought her knee up into his groin. He staggered with a howl and Nancy followed him, punching and scratching at him in any way that she could. Everything was a mist and suddenly out of this mist came a blow that caught her in the face and then she was flung back against the wall. There were screams and shouts and she wasn’t sure whether they were coming from her or from someone else.
She heard him swearing at her and then the door was flung open with a bang, and she was being grasped and held down on the bed. Her eyes were blurry with tears, and she could taste blood in her mouth. She swallowed some of it and it made her cough and choke. She frantically tried to turn to spit it out but she was held immovable on her back. She thought for a moment that she would black out.
She heard his voice, panting.
‘She went for me, the bitch. I came into her room to tell her about lunch, and she went for me. Scratched me and punched me. She’s completely out of fucking control.’
‘He tried to rape me,’ she said. ‘He tried to force me. He said he’d help me if I had sex and then he…’
She felt a hand over her mouth so that she could barely breathe. His face was right against hers.
‘Are you listening? Are you listening? You cause me any more grief and I’ll slam your face against the wall and no man’ll ever look at you again. You get that?’
The hand was removed from her mouth.
‘Did you hear what he said?’ She looked around at the face hovering above her. ‘He was threatening me. I want to report him.’
Another face appeared close to hers. A nurse, a woman this time. She was grinning, so Nancy could see that one of her top teeth was missing.
‘Threaten you? I’m sorry, love, I didn’t hear that. I think what you need is a day or two in solitary. And if you cause any more trouble, we’ll make it a week. You get me?’
‘If you let me go, I can talk calmly.’
‘Let you go after what you did to our mate’s face? Are you having a laugh? Right, guys.’
‘I can walk.’
‘If you keep talking, we’ll shove a flannel in your mouth.’
Nancy was dragged out of her room and along the corridor. She saw the lights above her, the cracks in the ceiling, curious faces staring down at her as she passed. She heard a door clanking open and she was deposited on a bed. She looked around. It was a grey room with nothing but a bed, a toilet and, on the wall opposite the bed, a large window through which she could be observed. She was alone except for the female nurse.
‘All right?’ said the nurse.
‘I want to talk to someone,’ said Nancy. ‘I want to talk to a doctor.’
‘If you make a fuss,’ said the nurse, ‘we’ll close the curtain and give Mil the key to your cell. Now, what was it you were saying?’
Nancy took a deep breath.
‘I’m fine,’ she said. ‘I don’t need to talk to anyone.’