‘Dr Tost and I feel you should have the use of your mobile,’ said Stef Cavendish.
‘Really? That’s great.’
‘I’ve told the nurse on duty.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Who will you call?’
‘I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.’
Who did she want to speak to? Nancy could only think of all the people she didn’t want to speak to. Head of the list was Felix.
Helena, she thought. I could talk to her and she would listen.
‘Perhaps your partner?’
‘I was just about to say that. Yes. I need to talk to Felix. I need to say sorry.’
‘Will that be hard for you?’
‘Probably. I don’t know if he can ever forgive me.’
‘Do you think it would be more helpful to speak to him in person?’
‘To Felix?’ Panic filled Nancy like black smoke. ‘You mean, in here?’
‘Patients do have visitors.’
‘I know.’
Yesterday, Josie had seen her mother and been quiet and sullen all evening.
‘The thought makes you uneasy?’
‘Do you think I should?’
‘Should isn’t the word I would use. It’s not a moral obligation. You might find it helpful and part of the recovery process to talk about what happened and tell him what you now feel about his actions and yours. I know you were extremely angry with him when you were first admitted.’
‘I was. I blamed him. I thought he had betrayed me. I was in such a state that I didn’t see things from his point of view at all. I didn’t try and imagine what it must have been like for him.’ She met the doctor’s gaze. ‘Poor man,’ she said softly, as if talking to herself. ‘All he’s been through.’
‘You can recognise that now?’
‘Perhaps it’s too late. I wouldn’t blame him for never wanting to see me again.’ Nancy covered her eyes with a hand and spoke in a low voice. ‘I feel so terribly ashamed.’
‘Shame is a very common reaction among the patients I see. You were ill.’
‘I still feel ashamed. Even if I was ill, I was responsible. All the people I accused, the people I hurt. I can hardly bear to think about it.’
‘Perhaps you feel it’s too early to see your partner.’
‘No, no.’ Nancy sat up straighter. ‘I need to. I owe it to him and I strongly believe it’s part of the recovery. I need to face up to what I did.’
‘It would be a supervised visit,’ said the doctor.
‘You mean, someone would be there with us?’
‘It would be me, or Dr Tost. It’s just protocol.’
‘You mean, you want to make sure I don’t attack him or something?’
‘We want a safe, managed setting.’
Nancy thought of the little cameras in the corridor, the apertures in the doors of the rooms, eyes everywhere, watching.
‘Your partner should check with us before arranging anything,’ Cavendish continued. ‘As a rule, we don’t work at the weekend.’
Nancy smiled. Stephanie Cavendish smiled back.
‘Well done, Nancy,’ she said.
‘There you go.’
The pimply care worker slid the mobile across the surface. ‘Bring it here when you need it charged.’
‘Can’t I just have my charger?’
‘No way.’ The young man grinned like it was a big joke. ‘Ligatures.’
Nancy sat on her bed, her back against the wall, and stared down at the mobile in her lap. There was a sound that made her look up. She saw eyes staring through the little aperture in the door. They disappeared after a few seconds.
She turned the mobile on, tapped in the passcode, saw that she had dozens of messages and missed calls. She ignored them all. She had to do this now, in the same way that you have to jump off a high diving board before your nerves fail.
It rang several times, and then a breathless voice said: ‘Nancy?’
‘Is this a good time?’
‘Yes, of course. Any time is a good time. Hearing your voice, it feels strange.’
‘Are you at home?’
‘I’m on my way back from work, walking up the road now.’
Nancy glanced out of the window and saw that it was dark.
‘What time is it?’ she asked.
‘Nearly six o’clock.’
‘What day? I’ve lost all track of time here.’
‘Day? It’s Friday.’
‘Friday the what?’
‘It’s the second of December,’ said Felix gently. ‘You’ve been away for eleven days.’
Away. He made it sound like a holiday.
Nancy thought of the rolling darkness of the past eleven days; the muzzy, drugged, boundless horror of it, rough hands turning her, needles jabbing her, Mil Burns grabbing her, people laughing, doors slamming shut, keys turning in the lock, like a nightmare on a loop, repeating and repeating.
‘Eleven days,’ she repeated. ‘Only eleven days.’
‘Nancy,’ said Felix. ‘Darling Nancy, listen to me. You can’t begin to imagine how terrible I feel about it all. I was desperate and I was very scared that something truly awful was about to happen. I didn’t know what else to do.’
‘I know,’ said Nancy. She made her voice tender. Her mouth pulled back into an ugly grimace.
‘I’ve been in hell,’ he said. ‘Worrying about you, going over and over what happened and trying to work out if I could have done anything different.’
She interrupted him.
‘Can you come and see me?’
‘You mean, in hospital? Of course. Say the word. I’ll come any time. I’ll come now.’
‘You have to arrange it through the hospital.’
‘I’ll do that. I’ll do that at once.’
‘We can talk about everything then.’
‘What shall I bring? Do you need books, more clothes, food? Just tell me.’
‘Bring me my green jumper. And some cookery books.’
‘Really? All right, if that’s what you want.’
She heard his key turning in the lock. He was walking into the house. The door shut. She heard a voice. A baby crying. She could imagine the hall, the door that led to Kira’s room.
‘You sound better,’ he said. She could tell from his footsteps he was walking up the stairs towards their flat. ‘More rational.’
‘I feel rational,’ she said. ‘But let’s talk when we meet.’
‘You don’t hate me?’
‘Of course not,’ she said. She ran a fingernail along the bare skin of her arm and saw an angry scratch appear.
‘I love you very much,’ he said, his voice dropping so she could barely hear him. ‘I’ve never loved you more than I do now. We can get through this together.’