‘What shall we do today?’
They sat drinking tea together. Felix had produced almond croissants and fresh orange juice from the fridge and laid them ceremoniously on the little table. There had been enough for six people. Nancy had pulled apart a croissant, eaten a few shreds.
‘I thought I could have a walk,’ she said.
‘Really? It’s foul out there.’
‘I don’t mind.’
‘I’ll come with you.’
‘You don’t need to.’
‘I’d like to.’
She smiled at him. He smiled back. Her head banged.
‘Lovely,’ she said. ‘I need fresh air.’
They walked to the little park in the drenching rain.
‘Christmas very soon,’ said Felix. ‘Nine days.’
Where would she be at Christmas, she wondered, and who would she be with?
‘What shall we eat on the day? Just you and me, I thought. In the circs.’
‘Oooh, let me think.’
‘I can cook.’
‘That’s nice of you.’
He took her hand.
‘Just think,’ he said. ‘This time next year, we’ll be in our own little house in the country.’
‘Wow,’ said Nancy. ‘Amazing.’
She slid him a glance. Was she overdoing it? But no, he seemed entirely unsuspicious. She felt a bubble of laughter rising in her.
On the way back, they passed a chemist and Nancy stopped.
‘There are things I need to get.’
‘Make me a list. I can buy them later.’
‘I’ll do it now.’
‘Let me give you some money then.’
‘I’ll use my card. Go on ahead. Get out of your wet clothes.’
‘There are a few things I need as well.’
They went into the shop and Nancy put shampoo, tampons, hand lotion, shower gel and toothpaste into her basket. She unslung her backpack and fished out her wallet, but Felix was beside her, holding out his card to the cashier.
‘It’s my stuff,’ said Nancy, pushing his arm away. ‘I’m paying. Even though I seem not to have a job any longer,’ she added, unable to stop herself. She rifled through the wallet. ‘Where’s my card?’
‘It doesn’t matter, let me.’
‘It should be in here.’
‘Well—’
‘I always keep it in here.’
Felix tapped the payment device with his own card.
Nancy picked up her toiletries and slid them into the backpack, and together they left the shop, back into the driving rain.
‘If I can’t find it, I need to report it missing and order a new one.’
‘It’s not missing.’
‘What?’
‘I cut it up.’
‘You cut it up,’ she repeated slowly. ‘You cut up my card?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why would you do that?’
‘Don’t be angry. Because I was told that people in your situation can spend money wildly. They can ruin themselves. It’s like a symptom.’
‘Was that based on medical advice?’
‘I wanted to save you from yourself.’
Nancy considered the words. To be saved from yourself. It was an interesting concept, she thought. To rescue the self from the self. She looked at Felix, his hair plastered to his skull, his face wet with rain, his expression part pleading and part self-righteous.
‘You should have asked me,’ she said at last.
His expression relaxed a fraction.
‘I thought we should set up a joint account,’ he said.
She hated everything about this. But the suggestion already seemed related to her past life.
‘A joint account is a good idea,’ said Nancy. ‘But it does feel odd to have no access to money in the meantime.’
‘I can give you what you need.’
No card. No access to money. No income of her own.
‘Let’s go back,’ she said. ‘Before we freeze to death.’
As they neared the flat, they saw Seamus coming up the stairs from the basement flat, holding a small umbrella that wasn’t keeping him dry. He gleamed with health and cheerfulness, everything about him a bit too much: his lips too red, his hair too glossy, his eyes too bright. Nancy could smell his musky aftershave.
‘Nancy!’
His smile wavered, then strengthened. His eyes flickered from her face and away. Nancy couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed, ashamed or guilty: this was the man who had tried to kiss her and then claimed that it was she who had come on to him. It had been read as yet another sign of her unstable state.
‘You’re back. I’m so glad to see you. You look good. Great. Doesn’t she, Felix?’
‘She does,’ said Felix, and put his arm around Nancy’s shoulder, pulling her towards him assertively so that she almost toppled.
Water dripped from the spokes of the umbrella onto Seamus’s face.
‘Will I see you both this evening?’
‘This evening?’ asked Nancy.
‘There’s a Christmas party up the road. They have it every year. It’s okay. A bit middle-aged.’
‘I don’t know,’ said Felix. ‘It depends on how Nancy’s feeling. She might not be up to a party yet, and I’m obviously not going without her.’ His arm was still tightly around her. ‘I thought you might want a quiet evening at home.’
‘I’d like to go,’ she said.
‘Really?’ Felix nodded at Seamus. ‘In which case, see you there.’
‘Great.’ Seamus raised his umbrella in salute and loped off.