The first time Penny got sick, she was thirteen years old. Serena had been just shy of her tenth birthday—just a little bit younger than Max was now. Amicable as it was, her parents’ separation had still been fresh. Her sister had been a moody teenager, dealing with honors classes that actually challenged her for the first time, way more stressed than a kid her age should really be. Between that and the divorce, everybody had ignored the signs.
So many times, later, they’d wished that they hadn’t.
Penny had woken Serena up the day after her birthday, crying uncontrollably, the floodgates opening. She’d been so stressed, she couldn’t focus, she couldn’t sleep, she was worthless and she wanted for it to all be over.
And Serena had felt like she’d been the one watching her life flash before her eyes.
She still wasn’t sure how she’d managed to talk her sister down enough to get their mom involved. But suddenly, sitting there on her couch with a much older, more bedraggled Penny before her, Serena felt like she was right on the cusp of being ten years old all over again. And just like then, she didn’t have a clue what she was doing.
Struggling to keep her voice even, she asked, “What do you mean?”
The misting in Penny’s eyes spilled over, twin droplets trickling silently down her cheeks. “Everything, Rena. My whole life. I think it was a mistake.”
Oh, God.
The thing was, Serena had done all the reading back when she was a kid. She’d done even more as a teen when things had hit a crisis point again. You couldn’t rationalize with depression. You couldn’t just tell someone to cheer up or to look at all the good things in her life.
Wishing she’d managed to get a little bit more of the caffeine into her bloodstream before they’d started this conversation, Serena set her mug aside, scooting closer on the couch until she could tuck her sister under her arm. Penny went easily enough, resting her head on Serena’s shoulder and curling into a ball.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Serena said. A fierceness overtook her as she pressed a kiss to her sister’s brow. She was glad Penny was here in this room, glad she was still here and breathing on this earth. “You were right to come.” She blinked hard at the shudder of a sob that racked her sister’s frame. “Now tell me everything.”
And it was as if something melted in Penny’s spine, as if maybe she’d been waiting for someone to ask her that forever.
“I don’t even know. It just...It got bad again, you know? And I’ve been handling it. I’ve been doing everything right. No skipping appointments or doses or anything, but it just got worse. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a pool, and I can’t breathe, and—” Her voice ratcheted higher and higher, coming faster with every ragged inhalation.
Serena clutched her close, stroking her hair and mumbling nonsense, the words of comfort she’d been practicing for what felt like her entire life now.
Movement at the corner of her vision drew her gaze up. She met Cole’s eyes across the room. Concern crinkled his brow, an unspoken question on his lips, but she gave a tiny shake of her head. She was fine. She had this.
Looking away, she ran her hand over Penny’s back. “It’s okay. It’s all okay.”
“Just...remember when I was smart?”
“Shhh. You’re one of the smartest people I know.”
Her sister gave a choking laugh. “You wouldn’t know it. I lost another job. I thought I’d find something, but the insurance ran out, and I don’t know how I’m going to pay for any of it.”
Serena swallowed. That was a problem, but they’d figure it out. “We’ll take care of it. Your only job right now is to get well again.” Maybe it would be something simple like switching her meds. Maybe it wouldn’t. Either way...“As long as you’re here, we’ll take care of you.”
How long would that even be? Penny hated having Serena and their mother clucking over her—she’d made that perfectly clear the last time she’d left.
Even now, Serena was probably holding on too tight.
She forced herself to loosen her grip. “And then when you’re better,” she said, shaky, “when you’re well enough to go back home, we’ll get you all set up. Get everything in place.”
A treatment plan and the right doctors. Maybe they could even get Penny to give them the names of some of her friends so they could establish a decent network this time. That way, when things went wrong, she and her mom wouldn’t have to sit here, halfway across the country and going out of their minds with worry.
Except before she could say any of that, Penny pulled free, sitting straight. The coffee she still had clasped between her hands sloshed dangerously, but Penny didn’t pay it any mind.
“No. No, Rena, don’t you get it? I—” Something in her face broke. “If you don’t want me to, it’s okay. Fuck, you’d have enough reason to. I—” She almost looked like she was about to get up, and Serena had this teetering moment where she imagined her sister heading straight out the door, maybe never to be seen or heard from again.
Serena reached out, getting a hand on her wrist and holding on tight. “What are you talking about?”
Hazy green eyes the exact same shade as her own focused in on her. “My life is a mistake, Rena.”
“I—”
A fresh wave of tears streaked down her face. “I spent all this time running away. I thought it was better for you and better for Max and Mom, and just better. For everyone. But I can’t—I just can’t anymore.”
“Okay.” Serena took a steadying breath, but her mind was spinning.
Better? Nothing was better when Penny wasn’t there.
Penny shook her head. “I didn’t want to be the broken sister or the useless mother or the fucking burden anymore. But instead...” Her voice cracked, and Serena’s heart did, too. “I ended up not really having a family at all, and I’m tired. I’m so tired.”
“Penny...”
“Please.” She twisted her wrist, flipping it around so she was grasping Serena right back. “Please. Rena. I want to come home.”
Cole didn’t belong here.
His throat tight, he flipped the eggs and turned off the stove. Out in the other room, both Penny and Serena were crying now, and the whole thing had his heart feeling tender and his neck hot. This was between the two of them, and as much as he wanted to help, to support, he didn’t really have any place here.
He didn’t have any place anywhere. Just seconds ago, Penny had been talking about not having a family. Cole had one, distant as they were, both emotionally and geographically. For a brief, shimmering moment, back with Helen, he’d had another. He’d had siblings, if only in law. Nieces and nephews. But he’d lost them along with everything else.
Watching Penny be accepted back into the fold made something inside him ache.
But this wasn’t about him.
The toaster popped, pulling him out of his circling thoughts. He placed a slice on the first two plates, then set another couple of pieces going. He trained his ears toward the other room, waiting for a lull. When it came, schooling his expression, he turned.
“Breakfast is ready, ladies.”
Serena smiled her thanks, letting her sister go. “I’ll get it.”
As she approached, the tender spots on Cole’s heart bloomed into bruises. The instant she came within reach, he caught her up with his free arm, tugging her close and breathing in her scent. “You’re amazing,” he whispered.
She’d been so kind and patient and loving with him. He should’ve known it came from practice.
With a soft, wet laugh, she shook her head. “Hardly.”
“You are. You don’t even know.” He released her, cupping her face as he did and swiping his thumb at the traces of tears left on her cheeks. “What can I do?”
“You’ve already done so much...”
He fixed her with a stern look. “I’ve made breakfast.”
“My point exactly. Thank you.”
She expected so bloody little from people. If he could, he’d give her the world.
He opened his mouth to tell her just that, but she kissed his knuckles, then ducked under his arm, effectively giving him her back. It left him on the outside all over again. Useless.
Opening the silverware drawer, she grabbed a couple of forks, then pitched her voice higher as she picked up her and Penny’s plates. “After this, we’re probably going to get cleaned up. If you want to go back to your place to shower or whatever...”
She probably didn’t mean it that way, but it felt like a dismissal all the same. “Do you want me to? I’m happy to stay. To help.”
“My mom’ll be here eventually.” She shrugged.
So she did want him to go. A part of him itched to protest. It wasn’t just the early morning wake-up call that had originally had him on edge, prepared to throw out anyone who meant Serena harm. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but there was still this feeling of unease that made him hesitant to leave.
But he’d do as she asked.
He wasn’t sure who he was comforting as he tugged her in again, fitting his chest in tight against her spine. He pressed a hard, too-intense kiss to her temple, closing his eyes for the span of a breath. “If you need me...”
“I know where you live,” she said, all quiet resolve.
She’d asked him once to trust her. Part of that was trusting her to be able to handle this the way she wanted.
So even though it killed him, he let her go.
There wasn’t any warning. One second, Serena and Penny were sitting huddled on the couch, distracting themselves with reruns on Netflix, and the next the door crashed open, slamming into the doorstop with a crack. Serena started, jumping to her feet.
Her mother was a fright, hair undone, the buttons on her jacket misaligned. Wild, crazed eyes scanned the apartment, racing back and forth. They skated right past Serena, and Serena’s stomach gave a hint of a twist.
It twisted harder when they found what they were looking for. Her mother’s gaze homed in on Penny’s face, and with scarcely another breath, she was stalking across the room. Her nostrils flared, her pointer finger coming out, jabbing wildly toward the ground, punctuating every word. “Do you have any idea what I have been through this month? Do you want to kill your mother? Do you want me in an early grave?”
“Jeez, Mom—”
“Don’t you ‘jeez’ me. What were you thinking scaring us like that?”
Penny crossed her arms over her chest, squirming as she slumped down deeper against the couch. “I didn’t mean to.”
At least this put them back on familiar ground. Penny’s frustration with being handled, as she put it, had sometimes led her to acting out. The aftermath had usually ended up like this, with their mother channeling sheer terror into screaming while Penny quietly stewed. Serena watched on, stuck in place the way she always was, all secondhand terror and this wrong, irrational envy.
Penny was sick. Mental illness was just as serious as any other kind. Of course she got the lion’s share of the attention. Of course their mother had been scared.
And yet, Serena couldn’t seem to beat back the tiny curl of wistfulness inside her.
When had her mother ever looked at her like that? With that kind of ferocity and desperation to her love?
Letting out a deep breath, their mom crossed the final feet of space to the couch only to drop to her knees. She set her hands on Penny’s shoulders, eyes brimming over. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, you hear me? My heart can’t take it. Not after everything else.”
Lip trembling, Penny hugged herself tighter. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“I thought I’d lost you.” With that, their mom hauled Penny into her arms. Penny resisted for the barest fraction of a moment before melting into it.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Mom just clutched her harder, rocking them back and forth, cheeks wet.
Serena’s own eyes stung, vision blurring. The lump in her throat threatened to choke her as she swallowed again and again.
Finally, their mom let Penny go. She clasped her by the shoulders, holding her at arm’s length, physically shaking her. “Things get bad again, you call me, okay? You don’t disappear and you don’t scare your sister. You call me.”
“I know.” Penny curled her arms around herself, like she was trying to make herself smaller. “I thought I could handle it myself, but...”
She trailed off, and the nervy anticipation in Serena’s chest made her lungs squeeze tight. Their mother looked set to launch right back into another lecture, and Serena couldn’t take it anymore.
“Penny,” Serena broke in. “Tell Mom what you told me.”
Penny’s mouth pinched as she looked to Serena. But she gave a little nod. “I...I want to come home.”
And Serena watched it all happen. Their mom froze, everything in her going deathly still except her eyes. Her gaze bounced back and forth between her daughters. “Don’t play with your poor mother’s heart.”
“I’m not,” Penny said. “I promise. I already told Serena. I just...I want a new start. I don’t want to have to do it alone anymore.”
A pale shred of hope fought its way into their mother’s eyes. “You mean it.”
Penny’s voice seemed to catch, so she just nodded, throat bobbing. Weak and small, she managed, “Mom, please. Can I come home?”
“Oh, baby girl.” Her mouth cracked. “Of course you can.”
They fell into each other’s arms again, and Serena’s tears spilled over.
They were going to be a family again. It was like this glowing bubble in her chest had formed, and it expanded, growing and growing until it felt like it would burst. Penny had left, and there’d been this hole in all their lives ever since. It was finally going to be filled, and she couldn’t be happier.
Yet there was still this twisting feeling in her gut.
She swiped at her eyes. Crap, why had she sent Cole away? She’d thought this would be a family moment, and it was, but she suddenly wanted so badly to be sharing it with him. To have someone to turn to, someone to hold her like her mother and her sister were holding on to each other.
She bit down on the inside of her cheek.
In front of her was everything she’d thought she’d ever wanted in this world.
So why did it feel like it was slipping through her hands?