CHAPTER 3
PLAY
Life is a hallway
Meant to be explored
One barely head-sized hole at a time
CAT ADAGE
NUDGE
Nudge
Nudge nudge nudge
Nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge
Nudge
Your glass just shattered on the floor
TINY BOXES
Tiny boxes
Play and hide
Tiny boxes
Squeeze inside
Tiny boxes
Oozy here
Tiny boxes
Paw in ear
Tiny boxes
Stuck
STUCK
STUCK!!!
Tiny boxes
Little help?
KITTEN
HOLY [censored], THAT BALL CAN BOUNCE!
GET THE [deleted] OUT OF HERE,
THIS STRING IS GREAT!
SON OF A [removed], I CAN RUN SO FAST!
NO [banned] WAY, I JUST BROKE THAT PLATE!
WHAT THE [edited], DID YOU SEE ME JUMP?!
WELL [forbidden] ME, I’M CAUGHT IN A JAR
MOTHER [bleep], I SHOWED THAT LAMP!
OH [cut] NO, THERE GOES YOUR GUITAR!
UN-[denied]-BELIEVABLE,
I CAN CLIMB YOUR LEGS!
NO [blocked] LIE,
I CAN DISTRESS YOUR FLOOR!
FOR [erased] SAKES, ISN’T MY LIFE GRAND?!
SO [censored] SAD I’M A KITTEN
FOR JUST SIX MONTHS MORE!
SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE DOGS
Some of my best friends are dogs
We talk about dog things
Some of my cat friends don’t get it
We laugh at their fear
The dogs see me as one of their own
True, they don’t like it when I bark
Or play dead
Or chew their toys
Or sniff their butts
But we’re cool
Some of my best friends are dogs
I just thought you should know
THEN ALL WENT DARK
I’M BLIND!
Oh wait, I’m not
I’M BLIND!
No, my vision is clear
I’M BLIND!
But now I see you
I’M BLIND!
And there you are again.
I’M BLIND!
What is going… Wait,
is that your hand over my eyes?
THAT TOP SHELF
I think I can jump to that top shelf
I want to jump to that top shelf
I know I can jump to that top shelf
I am jumping to that top shelf
I missed that top shelf by a good six feet
And now everything is on the floor
And I’m left wondering
Why people even bother buying china
If it breaks so easily
THE WORLD OUTSIDE MY HOUSE
In the world outside my house
The mice jump in your mouth
And birds serve themselves in butter
Rather than fly south
In the world outside my house
The sun is a laser light
Each cloud a snuggly blanket
And the doors are not shut tight
All the trees they dangle string
The flowers brush from head to tail
And the neutered cat is king
In the world outside my house
I can never go
But as an indoor cat I know these things
Because the dog does tell me so
MOST AMUSING
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hahahahahahahaha
Haha Haha Ha
That dog is wearing a sweater
MY TAIL
If my tail is curved then I am at ease
If it is tucked then do what you please
If it twitches then get out of my sight
If it is to one side then I’m free for the night
If it is fluffed then I simply can’t deal
If it swishes then it’s about to get real
If it is erect then for you I give thanks
If it is gone then I’m probably Manx
If it grabs food then you’re petting a monkey
You should probably walk away right now
ELEGY FOR A TOY I BROKE
You no longer jingle
You no longer roll
You no longer do anything
Since I had to see what made you work
I can’t deal with all this guilt
I can’t express my deep, deep grief
I can’t believe what a cheap piece of crap you were
Seriously, I hardly touched you before
you broke
MEOW
Meow
Meow meow meow
Meow meow
Meow meow MEOW!
Well?
Why aren’t you laughing?
Sigh
I must have told the joke wrong
SUSHI
Did you really think
That you could hide fish in rice?
Oh, the green paste burns!
A CAT LIKE ME
I didn’t know you had a second sofa
I didn’t know you had a second TV
I didn’t know you had a second cat
One who looks just like me
I didn’t know you had another living room
I didn’t know you decorated it just the same
I don’t like this twin cat
staring back at me
Well, two can play at that game
I don’t know why I can’t get into
that other living room
I try and try but can’t get through
I don’t know why you yell at me
not to scratch the mirror
When that twin cat is doing it, too
THIS. WILL. NEVER. END.
It’s been four days since we started
It’s been three days since you ate
It’s been two days since your boss called
And fired you for being late
But you’re the one who did this
The one who put the feather on the string
The one who waved it for me to play
The one who made my heart just sing
So welcome to your eternity
KUBLA KAT
On the edge of a laughing teacup
Did Kubla Kat decree
That the corn fritter festooned with medals
Shall make the brownies free
And so the walls turned to water
To let our sorrows drown
As the chairs burned themselves for warmth
So they need not face the clown
Then the spoons burst into song
And all the forks they understood
As I stared at my now talking claws
Because this catnip is just that good