Alicia bit into her chicken sandwich and ate a couple of kettle potato chips. Levi had grilled various kinds of meat, and they were now sitting next to each other inside their four-season gazebo, having lunch.
“This is really good,” she said. “So tender and juicy.”
Levi smiled. “Why, thank you very much, my beautiful wife. You know I’m the grill master.”
“Yeah, okay, grill master,” she said, laughing. “Whatever you say.”
“I am, and you know I am.”
“Like I said, whatever…you…say.”
Levi bit into his cheeseburger and drank some raspberry lemonade.
Alicia looked at Levi and shook her head.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I know we just talked about this last night and again this morning, but I still can’t get over it. Raven actually wants to become co-pastor.”
“Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t worry about it. Because I don’t believe Dillon wants that anyway.”
“Even if he doesn’t, I still know who Raven is. She’s sneaky, manipulative, and deceitful, and there’s no telling what she’ll say or do to get Dillon to give her what she wants. Dillon really loves her, so what if he decides it’s better to keep his wife happy?”
“I doubt that’ll happen. I also doubt that the elder board will even consider voting in favor of Raven.”
“Have you forgotten that Dillon founded NFCC and the parent ministry? So, technically, he can veto any decision the board agrees on, even if they vote on something unanimously.”
“I understand that, but to date, Dillon has never done that.”
“Well, even though I love my brother, I also know that there’s a first time for everything. When Dillon first reached out to me saying that he’d started his own church, I was happy for him and glad he and I could finally become close. He ended up being the only family I had when that situation with Phillip happened. But when you decided to sow thousands of dollars into the ministry, we should have created a set of bylaws and had an attorney draw up new legal documents.”
“He’d already incorporated by then.”
“Still, we should have made sure that you or I or both of us had some sort of say-so when it comes to crucial decision making. My brother is very different than he used to be. He’s much kinder and has a lot more compassion for people than he did before, but this whole Raven drama could change everything.”
“Yeah, but regardless of how much he loves Raven, he’s not naïve. And I just don’t see him sharing his position with her. It’s just not who he is or something he’s ever talked about.”
“I’ve never heard him talk about it, either, but this is the first time Raven has made her intentions known, and I promise you, she won’t stop until she gets what she wants.”
“Well, it’s not like we can say anything unless she becomes more serious about this.”
“As far as I’m concerned, she did that yesterday.”
Levi didn’t comment any further, but if Alicia had it her way she could talk about this particular topic all afternoon.
They sat quietly, still enjoying their food, but when Levi finished his last bite, he wiped his hands with a napkin and looked at Alicia. “You know, Raven is actually the least of my worries.”
“Why is that?”
“You and I have our own problems to deal with.”
Alicia was stunned by his comments but waited to hear what he had to say.
“I’m really worried about you. I’m worried about us.”
Alicia didn’t have to wonder anymore what he was talking about, because she knew where this conversation was heading. “I keep telling you everything’s fine.”
“That’s what you say, but you know that’s not true. On most nights, you barely sleep at all, and I have no idea how you function. But worse than that, you’re starting to distance yourself from me again, and baby, I don’t like it. You did the same thing right after Phillip died and the only difference then was that instead of not sleeping, you slept all the time. You were extremely depressed, and you hardly even went out of the house.”
“I know, but I haven’t been distant because I’m depressed. I’m really busy at work right now. Much busier than usual.”
Levi ignored her response. “When are you finally going to decide to forgive yourself and mean it?”
“It’s not as simple as that, but I’m trying. Baby, a man died, and it’s all because of the way I lied and how selfish I was. I should have told him that it was you I loved, and that I couldn’t marry him again.”
“I hear that, and I agree, but what’s done is done. I’m just as guilty as you, but we can’t change what happened. We have to move on with our lives because if we don’t, we’ll never be completely happy.”
“But I am happy.”
“Only to a certain extent. You’re happy for a while, and then you start withdrawing from me the way you’ve been doing for more than a couple of months now. It’s been a roller coaster ride ever since we got married, and it’s really starting to bother me. I’ve tried to be patient, but I think we need counseling.”
Alicia frowned. “Why?”
“Because this has gone on long enough. I thought prayer and loving you as much as possible would be enough, but it’s not.”
“It is enough,” she said, resting her hand on the side of his face. “Baby, you know I love you with all my heart. I’ve loved you since the first time we met, and that same love grew even stronger once we reconnected.”
“That might be true, sweetheart, but we don’t spend quality time together. Not to mention, when we’re making love, it’s almost like you’re not even there.”
“Only because I’ve been a bit on the tired side lately. And it’s like I told you, I’m a little overwhelmed at work. I have a lot going on with all the meetings and preparation for upcoming projects. I’m also working with staff members in every department for the rest of church operations. Then, on top of that, I’ve been stressing over writing and submitting the synopsis for my next novel to my publisher. I should have done that a long time ago, but all my responsibilities at the church won’t allow me to.”
“I know you’re busy, but I also think something else is bothering you.”
“What?”
“You miss seeing and talking to your dad the way you used to.”
“I do, but there’s nothing I can do about that. When my family made the decision not to genuinely accept you as my husband, they also made the decision not to have a close relationship with me. My dad has preached many sermons about how when a man and a woman get married, they become one. He’s always said that a man’s wife and a woman’s husband must always come before family and friends, yet he isn’t happy about you and me getting married.”
“I agree, but I still wish you and your dad were close again. Forget that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m fine with that. But you, on the other hand, have been a daddy’s girl all your life, so I know deep down you’re heartbroken over this. More than you’re willing to admit.”
Alicia’s eyes filled with tears, and she swallowed hard, trying to pretend her strained relationship with her father wasn’t affecting her to the extent Levi was describing. But truth was, she sometimes thought about nothing else. She couldn’t believe so much had happened so fast, and that she’d lost almost everything that had mattered to her. All because she hadn’t been faithful to Phillip either of the times she’d been married to him.
Alicia thought about all the skeletons from her past, but then tried pushing each of them from her mind. She worked hard not to obsess over any of them, but there were times, like now, when she was forced to think about Phillip’s death. She also thought about how much she missed her dad and brother, Matthew. But more disturbing were the other insane thoughts that consumed her.
The first time this had happened was the night Phillip had died, and that kind of irrational thinking had tormented her ever since. She didn’t think she was capable of hurting herself, but for the last few months, a voice had begun speaking to her. She didn’t hear it daily and sometimes not even weekly, but it was becoming louder all the time. First it had convinced her that Phillip’s death was her fault and only her fault…that he would still be alive if it hadn’t been for her…that she’d still be close with the family she loved if she hadn’t committed such a terrible sin as adultery. And the voice told her lots of other horrifying things, too, except now, it told her that she no longer deserved to live and that the only way to make things right on Phillip’s behalf was to kill herself. She didn’t want to believe the voice, but it was bold and it sounded as though it knew what was best. It seemed to give the kind of logical advice she wouldn’t be able to keep ignoring. Not even if she wanted to.