Heart to Heart Parenting

4 Bringing Joy to the Dawn of Life

Nurture yourself – the child benefits

A mother’s personal fulfilment and her rich emotionality are precisely what help her child to be emotionally intelligent. That’s why I place a lot of emphasis on mothers’ emotional wellbeing. Parenting your child begins with parenting yourself.

Why is this?

The baby in your womb feels what you feel. Emotion is carried biochemically in the blood; the hormones are its messengers. The placenta and the umbilical cord bring streams of your feelings to your baby’s body. On some level, the baby is directly at the mercy of your stress, your alarm, your tranquillity and your love. Your unborn baby would even sense how you feel towards him, if he is wanted or not.

It might be scary if, as a mother, you think of yourself as being solely responsible for your baby’s wellbeing, an awesome burden of responsibility. You are not solely responsible: everyone who surrounds you, everyone who cares about you and your child, is also directly responsible for supporting you, nurturing you and honouring your time of gestation. How the world treats you, how the world holds you, has a major influence on how your baby feels. It is we, the people around you, who need to share the responsibility. If we mistreat you, if we neglect you, we are doing the same to the little person in your belly. If we treat you with respect, tenderness and care, your baby directly feels this. And, as we will see later, the emotional world of the foetus can have long-lasting consequences.

So, here are a few suggestions for how to treat yourself daily in ways that will have direct, flow-on effects to your baby in the womb that will enhance his emotional health – possibly for life. Ask your partner and or whoever is close to you to read this with you.

Do the things that bring you pleasure, physical pleasure as well as emotional pleasure – such as singing, dancing, painting, swimming, lying in the sun, going on beautiful walks, reading your favourite books, making love, and so on. If your work brings you pleasure (be honest with yourself about this) and is not a source of too much stress, with deadlines and obligations, then work. If you have no choice but to remain in a stressful job, do all you can – and others should help you – to balance this with the following suggestions.

Take time out, be lazy, relax.

Get massaged, a lot.

Meditate. The transcendent state of mind that meditation brings is especially good for pregnancy. It can place you in a state of deep communion with your baby; some mothers have said they feel as if they are having a conversation with the baby’s soul.

If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, pray, for yourself and for your baby.

Spend time near or in Nature; immerse yourself if you can. Listen to the roar of the ocean, the bubbling of streams, the rustle of wind through the trees, the symphony of birdsong. Fill your senses with natural beauty. Few things can be more inspiring and restorative than your connection with Nature.

Talk to your baby out loud, and tell her how you feel about her coming. Tell her about yourself. Don’t concern yourself with the idea that your baby has not learnt language. She wants to – and needs to – hear your voice; she receives and understands much from your tone, mood and inflection.

Talk to your baby silently too, in your own mind. You can even ask her questions, ask her how she feels, what she would like you to eat today, for the two of you. Ask her if she would like a walk, to go for a swim with you, to be rocked as you rock yourself. It doesn’t much matter if you believe such a dialogue is possible, even if you think this is silly. There is something in this for you. This inner dialogue (real or imaginary?) with your baby prepares you for a lifetime of intimate connection with her. It opens you up to her just a little bit more and helps you to include her, to make a space for her in your heart and in your life. It allows you to know yourself better: your thoughts, your questions, your anxieties. And it enables you to feel. As you talk to your baby, your feelings come forward, which connects you to her quite deeply. The bonding has already begun. And be prepared for surprises. In pregnancy, your mind and heart are more open than you are accustomed to. Don’t discount this too readily: if you listen inwardly, you might just ‘hear’ a reply.

Sing lullabies, your favourite songs, and play lovely music to your baby. The fact that babies remember music they heard often in the womb has now been demonstrated too many times to be denied. Once the foetus learns to associate a particular, soothing piece of music with tranquillity and contentment, this tune will help to settle her as a baby and help her fall asleep. You will be very glad of this.

Spend plenty of time with other women, both friends and family. You might notice you feel especially drawn to your mother at this time; if she is not nearby consider cultivating one or more relationships with older, more experienced women. This is a time when the female elders in your life can be particularly comforting and empowering. In a healthy community, solicitous and experienced women are on hand to help usher new mothers through this life-altering rite of passage. The last thing a pregnant mother should be allowed to feel is alone (except, of course, when she wants to be left alone).

Have plenty of cuddles, make love, set aside plenty of time to be close to your partner. Make sure you have some light-hearted and fun time together, but also time to share with each other how you both feel about becoming parents: your hopes and dreams, your excitement, your anxieties.
You should definitely not worry every time you have an emotion, that this will necessarily trouble your unborn child. You can be angry, even outraged, sad or frightened; it is OK for you to go through all kinds of feelings. You don’t have to think every time you get upset: Oh my God! This will damage my baby. Please take this in very deeply: Your feelings don’t hurt your baby as long as you are managing them and expressing them. In fact, expressing your feelings can be good for the baby in your womb, because this is teaching his nervous system how to deal with feelings. It is the emotional states that don’t get resolved, that linger on and on or get bottled up that can have a negative effect on the foetus. So …

Talk openly about your worries and fears, to people you trust. If necessary, particularly if you are living through a very stressful situation, speak to a counsellor. Don’t keep your emotional pain to yourself; reach out to others.

A special note about mothers’ mothers

When you are bringing a new life into the world, it is a time of great emotion and many women find themselves feeling all kinds of strong feelings about their mothers, feelings that can rush from the depths to the surface quite powerfully. A pregnant woman’s relationship with her own mother becomes very important at this time; their history together and the quality of their relationship come sharply into focus. Pregnant women may feel a deep longing to be close to their mother, reunited if they have been distant. They may even feel child-like at times. Long-term, unresolved hurts and disappointments might also resurface and the woman might feel awash with grief or anger, which can be a little overwhelming, and can take the mother by surprise if she doesn’t understand or anticipate it.

All this is part of a natural and healthy process, so don’t be afraid of it – give yourself the space to feel. For millennia, human mothers and the mothers of our more ape-like ancestors have turned to their mothers and other close female relatives for help and protection when their child is born. It is an age-old instinct to band together with loved ones in order to feel well supported in child-rearing and give children the best chance at a life of happiness, health and love.

So, let your feelings for your mother come up, without judgement or censure. If painful feelings arise, it’s because old wounds want to be healed now. Have a good listener with you and, if you feel the need to, cry on their shoulder – let it all out. This can profoundly enrich your relationship with yourself and with others, and will soon add depth to your relationship with your child, making it more emotionally authentic.

The way your relationship with your mother feels to you is a fundamental aspect of your identity and it profoundly affects the way you feel about yourself as a woman and as a mother. So if the relationship has been fraught, expressing any painful feelings that linger can restore your self-esteem as a woman and as a mother, and free your heart for loving your child. Let yourself weep, grieve, be angry if you need to – and be sure you receive comfort and support from trusted friends and/or your partner. If necessary, see a counsellor. Anything you do to heal unresolved issues about your mother ensures that your relationship with your child will unfold quite differently. It is how you ensure that any negative histories are less likely to be repeated. Since your wellbeing directly feeds your child’s emotional intelligence, your healing will have a positive impact on his life, beyond what you can predict.

As previously stated, the extent that your relationship with your mother is a positive one, this is definitely a time to rekindle your connection with her. In whatever way you choose to recharge this loving bond, you are calling forth your ancestry of maternal energies and letting them flow through you to your child.

Not every woman necessarily feels the same about this, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself drawn to the company of women, particularly more experienced or older mothers. Let yourself have as much feminine company as you can and bask in this genetically encoded, age-old wisdom. Homo sapiens are designed to raise children cooperatively in small groups because the burden of parenting alone places an unrealistic load on any pair of parents, reduces the joy and pleasure of parenting and compromises the emotional health of everyone in the family.

DID YOU KNOW?

Anthropologists have known for some time that children who are raised in communal parenting groups fare much better. In the nineteenth century (a time of huge child abandonment rates all over Europe) the island of Sardinia enjoyed one of the best infant survival rates, despite being one of the poorest economies. Unlike most European mothers, Sardinian women joined together in supportive, cooperative mothering groups. Mothers who don’t parent alone tend to be much happier. Postnatal depression (PND) is virtually absent in societies where women band together to raise their children in caring, cooperative groups (among the Kipsigi of Kenya, for instance). In the Western world, mothers spend far too much of their time alone with their babies and children, a recipe for depression and exhaustion. It would take little effort to create a better balance between communal life and the privacy and personal space we enjoy at home. If we pay more respect to our natural needs for community – particularly when raising our children – the rates of PND would be drastically reduced.

Exercise

This is an exercise for couples expecting a child. Begin separately; you can join up and share the results with each other afterwards.

Each of you begin by making a quiet space to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. Take a pen and some paper, and arrange to have no interruptions for a minimum of 15 minutes, longer would be preferable.

Write down how you feel about your mother, or the carer who assumed the main mothering role in your life (the same will be repeated afterwards for your father or male carer). Ask yourself the following questions about her.

What did she do for you that you loved, that helped you to feel happy?
What did she do for you that felt hurtful, sad or frustrating?

Do your best not to censor any of the thoughts and feelings that present themselves, and don’t judge any of your thoughts and feelings as negative or positive. You don’t have to share all of the details about this with others if you prefer to keep them private, so give yourself permission to be as honest as you can. The key is to give yourself unlimited freedom to be honest, so if it helps, tell yourself you can destroy the piece of paper afterwards.

Begin with the just the things that seem to stick out most, the things that have had the biggest effect on how you feel about your relationship with your mother. Write down memories that feel important to you, memories of love, memories of hurt. Try not to impose any particular order on this, just take note of memories, thoughts and feelings about your mother as they come up, one by one. Don’t overdo it or exhaust yourself – if you wish you can always come back and write more later.

For each one of your memories, ask the following questions.

How do you feel about this when you recall it now?
If the memory is a painful one, what would you have wished your mother to have done differently?
How do you feel this has affected you as an adult, in your relationships, in your ability to fulfil your dreams?

Make sure you note down and honour all your feelings; nothing you feel is without good reason. You’ll find that if you allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, you may end up feeling better towards yourself. Knowing yourself involves knowing your innermost feelings. Knowing how you felt as a child is, as I said in an earlier chapter, the main ingredient that helps you as a parent.

Don’t leave yourself holding these feelings without giving them some vent. Make sure that if you feel angry at the end, release – draw a picture of your anger, write down your angry feelings. If neither of these gives you a sense of release, do something physical: take a walk, hit a pillow or a punching bag. If you feel sad, let yourself cry. Letting yourself express emotion can bring you profound relief and a sense of emotional freedom, especially if this is followed by a hug with someone you love. If joyous, loving memories have come back to you, then let yourself bask in the feelings they bring with them. Let your heart be bathed in the happy memories for as long as you can.

Some time afterwards, when you both feel ready, come together and share at least some of the results of this exercise with your partner. Even if there are some details of your story that you’d rather keep to yourself, share how things made you feel. Make a pact first, that you will take turns listening without interruption, without criticism and without judgement. What you both want right now is to feel listened to, cared for and respected.

Take a break if necessary. If you prefer, come back to this exercise on another day. The next time, repeat this exercise and this time make it all about your fathers, or the main male carers during your childhood.

There is a great purpose in doing this together: it will bring you closer, help you to understand each other better, and hopefully give you more compassion for each other’s vulnerabilities, as well as appreciation for each other’s strengths. This can help your parenting partnership more than you can imagine. It will help love and understanding – the basic fuel of parenting – to flow between you. It will help you to know how you can be a support for each other whenever your personal difficulties as parents come up.

Our parents, our selves

This is not the kind of exercise that should be done just once; I would recommend you repeat it from time to time. You can approach it more informally, in your own style, simply as a conversation if you prefer. It will keep your partnership as parents alive, growing, healing and improving. You will find that you keep learning new things about yourself each time you dialogue on this level and enrich your relationship with yourselves and with each other enormously. Your child will be the ultimate beneficiary.

As parents, every one of us has some specific areas of parenting that we find more difficult than others. Usually, this will have something to do with painful things that happened to us as children. Some parents find it difficult to hug and comfort their children if they never received this themselves as children. Other parents find it difficult to be patient if their own parents were pushy and demanding. All of our parenting difficulties can be improved on and healed, but only if we begin by being absolutely honest about them. In the meantime, this is why it is so important to think of parenting as team work. If we can accept that both partners have different strengths and vulnerabilities, we can take over for each other when necessary. If we cultivate understanding and compassion for each other, if we understand why our personal difficulties arise, we are less likely to criticise each other, and more likely to help each other.

There is another reason to share your childhood stories and feelings with each other. It is always too easy to judge another person for what we perceive as the weaknesses in them. I know of no faster way to make all our judgements dissolve than seeing the other person as a little child. If you can glimpse how your partner felt as a child, compassion replaces judgement very quickly.

Sharing these feelings with a friend you trust or a counsellor – anyone who is a good listener – will comfort you even further. Sharing your deepest feelings with others who care about you is the key to intimacy, a sense of belonging and emotional wellness.

If you have a very close and trusting relationship with your parents, share with them what came up for you in this exercise. Whether you find some difficult feelings that need to be aired or that there are great feelings of love and gratitude – you’ll probably find some of both – consider writing this to them, phoning them, telling them in person. Pregnancy and child-rearing can bring families together and deepen relationships.

What we should do for expectant mothers

French obstetrician and head of Primal Health Research Centre Michel Odent (2001: 65) says that ‘one of the main roles of health professionals should be to protect the emotional state of pregnant women’. Notice that the emotional wellbeing of the mother sits at the very centre of what is needed to give the baby the best start in life. Her emotional state also plays a major role in the way labour unfolds. Any person’s emotional intelligence begins with his or her mother’s emotional wellness from conception. Responsibility extends to the father, family and friends, to health practitioners and to the wider community: we should all guard and cherish every expectant mother.

What we should do for expectant fathers

The fact that mothers play the leading role in the parenting partnership in the earliest days, does not mean that the father is any less important. There are many issues that are particular to fathers, who deserve a special kind of support. Like mothers, fathers can only be emotionally available to the extent that they themselves feel loved and supported. Children benefit directly from their father’s emotional wellbeing.

There are many things that typically challenge expectant fathers. They feel anxious about being good enough providers and good enough fathers. They harbour many questions about how they got on with their own dads; if there were disappointments, they worry about whether they will make better fathers. They feel left out of the cosy, mother–baby duo. They feel the loss of the special intimacy they thus far enjoyed with their partner, and in retreating a little to make room for their newborn, some men feel the sting of loneliness, as if they don’t belong any more. They fear that the arrival of the new baby will mean a loss of sexual intimacy with their partner, and at times when it does, they feel frustrated. These and many more issues come to the surface.

Fathers, I encourage you to speak your feelings openly with your partner, your friends and your family. Share your worries with them, your fears and your joys. Learn all you can about labour so it is not too scary and alienating an experience. Consider talking to a counsellor. If you are planning a hospital or birthing centre birth, enquire about what counselling services they have for new fathers.

It helps fathers if we lend them our ears and offer them respect for how they feel without lumbering them with our expectations that they should feel better, or more positive. Listening is only listening if it carries no judgement or expectation. Any of us who are friends or relatives can contribute enormously to the wellbeing of a new family if we share the father’s joy and if we listen to his fears and doubts. Sharing his feelings with us is vital for his emotional health and his availability for his family. It is vital for his ability to be a support for his partner, and vital for his ability to bond with his child.

Creating the right emotional climate for labour

So, what are the conditions surrounding labour that best help to make the good hormonal juices flow? Over thousands of years, mothers and midwives have collected a huge repository of wisdom by getting it right and by getting it wrong an untold number of times. The result is an emerging clarity about how mothers can be helped to trust themselves and their inner knowing, to trust the strength in their bodies and to surrender to the instinctive, animalistic states of mind that transform her experience of pain and pave the way for uncomplicated labour. There is more to birth than the mechanics of contraction: the intensely physical act of labour is enabled by an altered state of mind, one that is unusually inwardly focused and meditative. As some of the deepest and most primal emotions will be coursing through, complete freedom of expression is most important.

The script for this awesome event is written in her body: if only she can be helped to trust this rather than taking away her control. Childbirth experts who specialise in birthing mothers’ psychological needs recommend the following.

The mother needs to be allowed to take charge when she feels the need to, and only be guided when she asks – in other words, guidance on her own terms. Rather than passively follow orders from ward staff, she needs the space and the encouragement to follow the powerful impulses that arise in her body, such as what position to be in, how to move, and so on. She needs procedures and suggestions explained to her, possibly ahead of time, so she fully understands the nature of and reason for them.

The mother needs privacy. It may be particularly disturbing at this time to be looked over by strangers.

Additional to the professional help (midwife and/or obstetrician), the mother is likely to need the support of a carefully chosen doula (birthing-support person or coach) or friend, as well as the father of the baby. An older, trusted and more experienced woman can be immensely reassuring and encouraging. All who are present should bear in mind that support is only truly supportive when it is on the mother’s terms, in other words, non-invasive. There may be moments when the mother prefers to connect with a particular person, other moments she may desire to be left alone.

The mother needs to feel safe and comfortable to be as noisy and as passionately emotional as her body needs to be. Grant her full permission – and encouragement if necessary. Pain and anxiety can be made worse by bottling it up. Letting it all out can really help to move things along and create release. Bear in mind, too, that the fullness of joy can be diminished if we hold back from letting it show. Permission is the key: freedom to be noisy, freedom to scream, to laugh, to cry, freedom to be animalistic and passionate, freedom from having to be rational. Letting go of all social inhibition – with the encouragement of others if necessary – literally reshapes the mother’s body and alters her brain chemistry in ways that greatly ease the labour.

The less we use drugs and other medical interventions, the more natural the labour and the higher the concentration of the natural hormones, which lead to a richer experience of bonding.

A home-like, non-clinical and familiar environment, soft lighting, her favourite music if she so desires, and that her senses (vision, hearing, touch) are treated tenderly – provide anything that helps the mother to feel at home. These needs are particularly well attended to in homebirths and some birthing centres.

A well-informed mother who has been helped ahead of time to understand what she can expect at every stage of labour will feel empowered, more in control of the process.

In the reference section at the back of this book, there is a list of helpful books and websites. I would urge prospective parents to avail themselves of the enormously helpful information that abounds nowadays.

HOMEBIRTH

Homebirth midwives are available free of charge for families in the Netherlands, New Zealand and the UK; in the USA they are covered by some healthcare providers. In most Australian states and territories, the cost is borne entirely by the family, Western Australia being the only state that is expanding subsidised homebirth services.

SQUATTING

Legend has it that today, the reason women give birth lying down is the result of the caprices of seventeenth century French King Louis XIV, who is also credited for initiating the demise in Europe of midwives in favour of doctors. It is said that Louis wanted a better view of his baby being born, and henceforth this mode became fashionable around Europe.

True or not, this practice has continued, presumably because it enables the obstetrician easier access. Some birthing experts say that lying down to deliver can make labour more difficult. Today, midwives say that women find it easier to give birth in the traditional positions: half submerged in water, squatting or kneeling, all of which agree better with the angle of the birth canal and allow gravity to do more of the work. Some research indicates that simple measures, such as supported sitting or squatting instead of lying back, plus some pelvic movement such as rocking or swaying, can accelerate birth and prevent the need for caesarean deliveries.

Natural birth

The ideal birthing situations recommended by Dr Sarah Buckley (for low-risk mothers) are homebirth, birthing centres adjacent to hospitals and one-on-one midwifery care. Midwives who have homebirth and hospital experience say that babies born at home are more alert and more receptive and calm. According to Buckley, they have lower rates of complications and interventions, and perinatal mortality rates are at least as good as hospital rates. These views are shared by an increasing number of childbirth specialists.

Natural birth is not artificially induced, and the baby is not delivered surgically or with the use of instruments. Instead, the mother’s own bodily impulses of parturition are facilitated in order to move the baby naturally through the birth canal. Natural birth is drug free, although alternative methods may be used to ease any pain. The umbilical cord is not cut at least until after it has stopped pulsing. The newborn is never removed from contact with the mother, and he is helped to latch on to the mother’s breast within half an hour of birth. Baby and mother remain in close, uninterrupted bodily contact thereafter.

The parents’ and their baby’s emotions are far more supported and attended to in the natural birthing setting, and since there has been no pharmaceutical or instrumental interference, the most sublime emotions are free to flow.

DID YOU KNOW?

Homebirth was the norm in many Western societies until fifty years ago. In the Netherlands today, one-third of babies are born at home under the care of a midwife. Outcomes for homebirths there are better even than those of low-risk mothers in hospitals.

Alternatives for dealing with the pain of childbirth

What if there were an abundance of drug-free methods for alleviating the intense pain of labour? What if pain could be managed without spoiling the joy that comes with natural birth and healthy bonding? Would you then consider natural childbirth?

All prospective parents should avail themselves of as much information as possible about alternative approaches, such as acupuncture and hypnosis, which have already been established as beneficial. Why not also interview one or more homebirth midwives and ask them how they help mothers in pain? Why have one-third of Dutch mothers opted to return to homebirth, and how do they manage?

Here are just some of the methods commonly used for drug-free pain relief.

Hydrotherapy or water birth – submersion in water can bring considerable relief.

Massage during labour.

Reflexology.

Homeopathic pain relief.

Bio-energetics, including body movements such as pelvic rocking, changing positions, deep-breathing techniques and vocalisation (screaming, moaning, singing – whatever sounds come naturally).

Finally, it is worthwhile challenging the common belief that childbirth always dooms mothers to excruciating pain. What if that is, to some degree, a myth made real through cultural expectation? Remember that for centuries our leading religious authorities constantly proclaimed, mantra-like, the righteousness of woman’s agony. Today, every time you see a re-enactment of childbirth on television or at the movies, you see a totally helpless woman – on her back, under bright lights, screaming in agony, with hospital staff at their panic stations snapping orders at each other. What do you suppose happens to your deepest, subconscious expectations about childbirth when virtually every image of childbirth you ever see looks like a woman being tortured? Images such as these, when seen repeatedly, work hypnotically. They program women’s minds to anticipate childbirth with terror, and accordingly, their bodies brace in preparation and the prophecy of suffering keeps fulfilling itself.

The Navaho say that labour is not painful for everyone. In fact, pain-free natural birth was reported in a study of 475 pregnant Navaho women. Not long ago, the drug usage rate in labour in Holland, a modern and sophisticated nation, was 5 per cent while at the same time it was 95 per cent in the UK.

British childbirth educator Sally Inch suggests that, for many mothers, the experience of pain in labour is made far worse than it need be because of what women have been led to expect: the pain is real and every bit as painful as the mothers say it is, but often the extremes of the pain are caused by the body’s reaction to fear and the expectation of pain. In 1968, neurologist Sir Henry Read stated that the mental state of the mother has a profound influence over the pain in her pelvis. Today, it is understood that a mother’s alarm, her expectation of great pain, her separation from the places where she feels safe and the people she feels safe with, all contribute to the release of stress hormones. These stress hormones can bring about the wrong kind of contractions around the uterus, contractions that interfere with normal processes – and, more to the point, increase the pain. As Sally Inch explains, this is just one example of how fear of pain can be the cause of the pain. Protecting the mother’s emotional wellbeing and attending to her emotional needs might turn out to be the best painkiller of all.

It is an absolute must for every expectant mother to read about, hear about or see examples of natural, midwife-managed labour in a home-like setting. Mothers-to-be should fill their minds with such imagery in order to counteract the fear-mongering that has surrounded labour over the last few centuries. They need to daily repeat the mantra: ‘Childbirth is a healthy, natural process’, and hear the same sentiment repeated by others. Reassurance can be the greatest pain management strategy, and can make a huge difference to the progress of labour.

Can birth be orgasmic?

Many readers would find this suggestion outlandish, bizarre, even outrageous. And yet, there are countless reports of women experiencing deeply orgasmic and ecstatic sensations during childbirth. In fact, this phenomenon has been so well documented and discussed at so many conferences on prenatal and perinatal medicine and psychology, that it is a mystery why so few people know about it. Somehow, this common experience has been almost secretly guarded, as if it were sacrilegious to mention it. Mothers who have described orgasmic birth have often been met with scepticism, repugnance and outrage. Perhaps this has to do with the fear and shame that surrounds pleasure in our culture. Perhaps it is an unacceptable image for women who have suffered intolerable pain. But orgasmic birth is not such a crazy idea, considering that the oxytocin released in torrents during natural labour is also the hormone released in love making.

I cannot insinuate that birth should be orgasmic for all women; not enough is known about this yet. But even if this experience is not attainable for all, if the possibility of blissful birthing exists and if labour does not have to be anticipated with fear, shouldn’t this phenomenon be investigated thoroughly and with open minds? Shouldn’t there be incessant research to find how more and more mothers can be introduced to orgasmic birth? What if there is a psychological basis for this experience? What conditions produce the state of mind that makes this natural process available? What if all it takes is more natural birthing methods, a better quality of feminine support and a change of expectations about what labour is supposed to be like? This may be the most powerful argument for birthing mothers’ need for privacy, a safe, home-like environment, and a natural, midwife-assisted birth.

Imagine how world-changing this would be. How much of the trauma of birth, for mothers, fathers and babies, could be eliminated? What would it do to the way we live and the way we relate to each other if our lives and our children’s lives began in ecstasy?

What happens to Dad?

Fathers play an invaluable role in the birth of their child. Even though they are not directly joined as are the mother and baby, through being close by in a supportive role, fathers’ bodies also produce a rush of oxytocin and prolactin. Their emotional connection to their partner and child has a powerful and transformative effect on fathers that is biochemically recorded.

As always, there is wisdom and purpose in Nature’s way. New fathers with higher prolactin levels are more responsive to babies’ cries. That’s why it is so important for them to be at the birth. They are changed by the experience in ways that help them to bond with their child and be more closely engaged and sensitive as fathers.

One of the greatest signs of our evolution towards more child-friendly societies is the rapid rise of fathers who attend labour. If your own father was there to witness your coming into this world, you are very unusual – or very young. Until right up to the 1980s and 1990s it did not often occur. Today, in the space of one generation, around 90 per cent of fathers are there to see their children born. There can be no doubt what a life-changing experience this is, and how it cements the bond between father and child. Take a look around in any public place and notice how many babies and toddlers you see being held, kissed, carried or pushed in prams by their fathers. This is a radical departure from the way things were not all that long ago, when dads were so much more detached from their children and the ‘mushy’, tender side of parenting was a mother’s domain. These days, dads are far more hands-on – and they are enjoying it. I am convinced that the presence of dads at labour has much to do with this wonderful revolution.

Fathers don’t always cope well with attending labour, however. Some men feel overwhelmed by the intensity of emotion and the pain they see their partners in. To some extent, this is about our own emotional memories of being born and any unhealed fear or hurt we once experienced being evoked by what we are witnessing. Additionally, men can feel quite helpless or inadequate; we stand before an awe-inspiring process that we cannot control. It can be quite confronting to see our partners wracked with pain one minute, contorted with the effort of labour the next, particularly for the first time. This is the ultimate rite of femininity, utterly unfamiliar and mysterious territory for the male. And although fathers play a central role, sometimes as a sentinel or protector, sometimes as physical or emotional support, this role is essentially passive: the father follows the lead.

Many expectant fathers are overwhelmed by a bewildering array of emotion, terror, panic, anticipation, love, unspeakable joy, and much more. If there are difficult feelings to face, fathers should receive counselling and support, and at least talk openly with friends about any fears or misgivings. Difficult emotions only get in the way when we bottle them up or suffer in private. Fathers’ feelings need not separate them from their family, and in fact it is their capacity to feel that makes them good nurturers. Fathers deserve all the support they can get. Support for fathers would help them enormously in their striving to support their partners. New fathers need to select an experienced and trusted buddy, keep him close, and share his concerns with him as the big day approaches.

Counselling services for expectant fathers would be a welcome addition at birthing centres and hospitals. Since most men have not been given much space to be emotional, they may need a little help to accept the powerful feelings evoked at the birth of their child; and if they find themselves spontaneously weeping with joy or relief, or immersed in uncommon peace and tranquillity, to allow these feelings to take their course.

Birth and your child’s emotional intelligence

A happy time in the womb, when the baby feels wanted, recognised and loved, and a sensitively managed birth – these are the ingredients of primal health, the first step in building your child’s emotional intelligence. A joyous beginning prepares the ground for a harmonious parenting relationship and a fulfilling life together. Happy, even ecstatic, memories of life in the womb and birth form a reservoir of emotional wellbeing from which children can draw strength for life, filling them with a healthy optimism. A joyous beginning gives our children the strongest chance of enjoying:

being a less fussy, more responsive baby

a deep and abiding trust in the goodness of life

unshakeable self-confidence

access to a deep sense of inner calm

a broad and healthy emotionality

a compassionate and empathic nature

emotional resilience

a zest for life, get up and go

a willingness to face new beginnings, and to face life’s challenges.

The first moments of life in the outside world are also critical for the parent–child connection and for the child’s emotional intelligence. These moments give us, as parents, a golden opportunity to be showered, along with our new baby, in feelings of love so powerful as to affect us for the rest of our lives. In the next chapter, we will look at how to make the most of these magical first moments together.