9
Creating a Joyous Connection With Your Toddler
Months have passed, and your little baby has grown into a toddler. He is standing up, starting to walk, talk and assert his presence in the world in a whole new way. Being a toddler is exhilarating. The world is starting to look like a huge playground. Suddenly, he can propel himself towards all the marvellous things he sees and grab them, hold them, put them in his mouth and throw them. The whole universe has opened up to him – and what’s even more exciting, he is discovering that he can go places and get things all by himself. What a thrill that is.
A healthy baby brings so much power to this new stage of life. He is discovering his freedom as well as his personal strength. But when we marvel at our toddler’s newfound self-assurance, we should not kid ourselves that he no longer needs a safe pair of arms to hold him. Despite all his bravado he is still emotionally fragile and dependent. With each new sortie into the world, he needs to see that a loving and familiar person is nearby when he looks over his shoulder.
Now, the circle of exploration gets wider, little by little. It begins with one short crawl out into the great beyond and a furtive glance over his shoulder to check that we are still there, at a safe distance. He picks up and holds a new object, and turns around again to read our face: Is this safe? Will this thing hurt me? Can I put it in my mouth? When encountering another person along the way, the look back to us might be saying: Is this other person a safe person? If something scary happens, how far is it to crawl, walk or even run back to the safety of a loving and protective adult? Over and over, the toddler will come running back to us and fall into our warm embrace. His orbit is growing and he keeps coming back to refuel. But this growing self-assurance depends on one thing: his ability to control the rhythm of separation from us.
Our developing toddler spontaneously stays longer and further away from our reach, as she learns to trust her own knowledge – gained with the help of our feedback – about what is safe and what is not safe in the world. She is learning to enjoy her own company and is putting other relationships to the test. As she learns to enjoy the company of other children and other adults, her circle of security expands. Her capacity for attachment to others is growing, as are her skills to relate to a diverse range of people. Whereas before, nourishment was dependent on the primary caregivers, life is now offering nourishment in many more forms – and this includes the growing enjoyment of playing alone. The world beyond Mum and Dad seems both perilous and magical. In it, toddlers’ emotional repertoire plumbs the depths of awe, mystery, profound curiosity, fear, frustration and rage, and unlimited joy.
If toddlers could somehow speak their deepest, evolutionary and unconscious longings, they might say this to you: Be my safe home base, be my support team at headquarters and say ‘Yes’ to my pioneering spirit.
Please be available to me, but let me go and make mistakes, let me fall over and graze my knees and let me have fun.
Watch over me and protect me, but don’t smother me. Let me run.
Please be patient with me: let me wander from your side at my own pace, but don’t leave me until I can really trust others to be my safe home base.
And please, remember how to play – and play with me.
What is the best guarantee of toddlers growing to be self-confident, autonomous and independent? If they can control the rate at which they separate from you, without having separation thrust suddenly upon them, and without being held back, as we will see later in this chapter.
Your toddler wants to get to know you
Toddlers have strong attachment needs, but these don’t always manifest the same as babies’ attachment needs. Whereas a baby needs you (or another familiar and loving person) to be there for every need, it works differently with a toddler.
From your child’s point of view, up until now you were a magical being who was there to pleasurably indulge her every need. You were an extension of her – in fact, a baby’s brain cannot compute that you are an individual, separate from her. Now she is a toddler, it is time for you to begin showing up as a person, not just a caregiver. The time of symbiosis (when you and the baby were joined at the hip) is waning, and two differentiated, separate individuals are starting to emerge. Your toddler increasingly wants to get to know you, how you are different to her. Getting to know you as a person with thoughts and feelings all of your own gives her a lot of information about herself as a person, and it teaches her how to relate to others.
A toddler embarks on a remarkable, consciousness-changing journey that is crucial for being able to have healthy, loving relationships as she grows up. Over many years she’ll be learning to see that other people are other people – not extensions of herself, there for her consumption. The apparatus in the brain that enables this level of perception is just now beginning to develop.
EARLY SENSE OF SELF
By 18 months, babies have begun to develop a sense of themselves as separate from the world, with a mental image of what they look like. From around this age onwards, a child can recognise herself in a mirror and know that it is her standing in front of it.
So, what does getting to know you mean? A child only begins to recognise that you are a person when you begin showing him your feelings, that you have some of your own needs and some healthy, interpersonal boundaries.
Of course, showing your child that you have your own feelings doesn’t mean pouring out your difficulties from your day at the office. I mean letting her see, in a way that is not too overwhelming or threatening for her age, how she affects you. The reality of your emotions needs to be disclosed to her gently, little by little, as she grows more robust over the years. But she needs to know how she affects others. Without this knowledge, others do not seem real to her, so she cannot fully develop empathy, considerateness and respect. For all of us, it takes many years for the reality that other people are other people to fully sink in – and for many people it never really does. How many self-centred or self-obsessed adults do you know, who talk as if everything is about them (‘Enough about you, let’s talk about me’)? Don’t they remind you of toddlers who never grew up? In the sense of emotional intelligence, this is precisely what has happened to them.
Parenting is always about connection – but whereas to a baby connection comes from you saying yes to all his needs, to a toddler connection comes from getting a sense of self. Sometimes you will agree with each other, sometimes not. Over time, you will want to make more and more demands on him. Sometimes, you will have to say no to something he wants. Sometimes what he does will upset you, irritate you, hurt you or disappoint you. And sometimes, you will be overcome with affection and will want to sweep him off the floor and cuddle him. If he is to mature, he needs you to openly show him all these feelings. Conflict and disagreement, if sensitively managed, are now important opportunities for connection, just as much as affection and indulgence.
Seeing that you have feelings and that she has an impact on your feelings is a kind of essential nourishment for your toddler. She thrives and grows from seeing that sometimes you get tired, sometimes you want your own space, sometimes you are delighted by her, sometimes you are cranky when she does something to trouble you (such as throwing food, or hitting another child), that sometimes you are sad when she breaks something that was special to you, that she can make you laugh, be angry, be sad, and melt into tenderness. Your feelings, expressed with transparency, are what make you appear real and human and your child feels connected to you when she is shown the effects she has on you, both positive and negative.
Some people might feel surprised at my suggestion that showing all your feelings, even your so-called negative feelings, is important so that your child can feel connected to you. But that’s what a real person is: someone who feels all kinds of feelings. Your child senses when you hide your feelings, and this can make her uncomfortable. But revealing your feelings appropriately is what makes you feel closer to each other. We will be looking more deeply at emotionally authentic parenting later.
Toddlers need freedom to play and explore
Your toddler has an almost boundless energy for exploring her world. Her appetite for fun, discovery and engagement is almost insatiable. The world is her oyster, and she wants to climb it, tear it up, throw it, taste it, bite it, push it, grab it and squeeze it. It is a sensual bonanza.
The drive to play is genetically programmed, having evolved over millions of years. It serves a vital survival purpose, as play, believe it or not, is the most efficient instrument for learning. Nature has filled us with a burning curiosity so we can learn everything we need to know for our survival and wellbeing. Nature has made learning so exciting and intriguing, to the point that we take personal risks in order to explore.
Through play, the toddler learns to coordinate his body movements, learns how things work, that hard things can hurt, that delicate things can break, that sharp things can cut or stab, that rubber things can bounce. Discomfort and disappointment are his teachers; they show him where the limits are. But delight is the greatest teacher of all: it motivates us to want to learn more. Humans are in relentless pursuit of knowledge. As if it wasn’t enough to learn everything about our own planet, we invented rockets so we could go to the moon. Now we want to go to Mars. And it’s just as well we are innately thirsty for discovery and invention. Without this thirst, we would still be hunting with pointed sticks and huddling in caves. This impulse to playfully explore begins in earnest during toddlerhood and if it is not punished, shamed or squashed, it forms the basis of a lifetime of zest for learning, creating, inventing and problem solving. Child’s play can be the greatest ally of teachers and parents.
In my work as a counsellor and psychotherapist, I have often noticed something unique in individuals whose parents were playful and supported their playfulness as children. They seem more radiant and they maintain a generally playful and adventurous approach to life. They seem more fulfilled in their work, they laugh and smile more, and tend to enjoy a positive attitude. I have also noticed they tend to be more tolerant of others’ quirks and idiosyncrasies. Individuals whose parents were controlling and pushed them to be serious and prematurely responsible, tend to reflect that in their demeanour. They are more likely to seem formal, even humourless. They can lack creativity and ingeniousness, plodding dutifully through life’s obligations.
So, I could not recommend this more enthusiastically: parents, get on the ground with your children and play. Play with their dolls, their toy soldiers, their teddy bears, their train sets and their toy cars – enter their world of imagination. Every so often, let yourself be a child with your children. These simple moments of playing together are incredibly special for your child and give both of you memories you will treasure forever. Playing together is marvellous for your relationship – and good for your health.
Why toddlers and children need to play and play and play and play
Free play serves a critical developmental function that is a central human need. Without it, we shrivel up emotionally and become humourless, hopeless and angry. To the toddler, every moment of unrestrained free and imaginative play brings her immense joy and feeds her spirit.
When play is unstructured and child-led, it serves a further, vital purpose. Have you ever seen infantile animals at play, such as two puppies chasing each other and pretend fighting? Play is a rehearsal for an important life skill. Young puppies play fight as a way to cement friendships, but all the while they are honing skills for hunting and self-defence. Left to their own devices, children create some incredibly elaborate fantasies, employing increasingly sophisticated communication skills, such as negotiation, self-assertion, team work, leadership and mutual care. Their imaginations are groomed and sharpened and they become more inventive and good problem solvers. Imaginative, self-directed play is a formidable educator.
TURNING GOOD IDEAS INTO REALITIES
The lower brain contains a seeking system that drives our curiosity, our thirst for discovery and exploration. Whenever we come up with a new idea, its roots are generated in the brain’s seeking system. When this part of the brain is well connected to the brain’s frontal lobes, this enables us to have a good idea and to follow through with action until we turn our good ideas into realities.
When toddlers are absorbed in the explorative games that they make up for themselves, this seeking system is activated and connections are enhanced between it and the frontal lobes. Free play with friends in a stimulating environment builds children’s abilities to manage emotions and stress, while training their brains for creativity and good problem-solving skills.
Like any one of our muscles, the faculty of imagination falls into the ‘use it or lose it’ category. A child who is given freedom and support to play for hours each day strongly develops this faculty. It is obvious that a well-developed play-consciousness is what every artist, writer, musician, humorist, designer and architect draw upon. But the energy of play and creativity can also greatly assist people in the health professions, in business and in the sciences. Play is the mother of creative problem solving and critical thinking. Further, playfulness makes our relationships alive, spontaneous and delightful – it is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence. How limiting to our lives, our relationships and our careers to have allowed our imagination to dull, and our playfulness to be suppressed.
Because play is an activity that can be shared, and it is a source of pleasure and joy, play is the glue of comradeship and community. It enables human friendship to be associated with pleasure and joy.
Television – the play killer
Violence on television and on computer games makes viewers more aggressive, and it contributes to bullying behaviour and a general increase in social violence. The more hours children spend watching television, and the more onscreen violence they witness, the more violently they are likely to behave. So many studies now confirm that link that the American Psychological Society has declared the debate on the subject to be ‘essentially over’.
But there are further compelling reasons to switch off the set and throw away the antenna. A child who sits passively watching television is not activating the seeking mechanism of the brain. The long hours that many children spend glued to the set these days lead to wasting of this vital brain area and distort emotional development. Certainly, television can offer delightful stories, beautiful fantasies and fascinating educational features, but as a medium it makes the child’s mind so passive. For children 3 and over, I would personally restrict watching to no more than a couple of hours per week – with zero exposure to advertising. Under 3s are better off without any screen time.
BREAKING FREE OF THE BOX
In the USA, children spend an average of four hours in front of television each day. Australian toddlers spend an average of 2.3 hours, and British children 3 hours per day. Most children today have more eye contact with television characters each day than with their own parents. Letting our children vegetate in front of the box to this degree is wasting their childhoods, and it is developmentally ruinous. Here are some of the other damaging effects of television that have been established by research.
- The rapid-fire editing and totally unnatural audiovisual images damage attention centres in the child’s brain. Increasingly, evidence points to television as a major culprit in the soaring rates of ADHD.
- Within thirty seconds of switching on the television, our brains become neurologically less able to make judgements and think rationally. This induced passivity makes children acutely vulnerable to advertising images. The frontal lobes of the brain, a critical area responsible for self-control and rational thought, are deactivated by television viewing, and over time their development is stunted.
- Television damages future learning abilities, including numeracy and reading comprehension.
- Television is strongly associated with sleep difficulties in toddlers.
Play is healing
Research shows that when children play freely, physically and imaginatively in an enriched environment, such as when wrestling on the ground or when inventing pretend games (cops and robbers, mock-rescue operations, mums, dads and babies, superheroes) this kind of play can heal emotional wounds. Hours spent in this kind of unstructured and creative play can actually regenerate and restore damaged parts of the emotional centres of the brain. Structured games such as organised sports and board games are also quite wonderful and they offer unique benefits, but the physically engaging games that children invent for themselves seem to have the most powerfully healing effects. All they need is free time to play in a stimulating environment rich with opportunity and possibility: out in nature, in a room with a few simple toys, in a yard with things to climb, and things they can pick up and use as props. If a child has gone through emotionally painful experiences, free and creative play with trusted others can be very therapeutic.
Drawing upon your own childhood memories of play
Do you sometimes find it difficult to let yourself go, to get down on your kid’s level and be a little silly and spontaneous? Do you find your child’s games unstimulating and hard to stay with? Do you find yourself often protesting how busy you are when your child wants you to play? Rest assured, you are not alone.
It’s not always the case that we can play endlessly for as long as our children want us to. It is true that as parents we are often busy. It is also true that what is entertaining for adults is different to what is entertaining for children, and we don’t always like playing the same games. And how many of us can keep up with a toddler’s boundless energy? But it can be wonderful and enriching for parents to let themselves enter the child’s fantasy world and meet the toddler on her level, play her games, at least from time to time, at least a little bit each day. So if this feels like a drag, there is something that can help you relate more naturally, from the inside, to your child’s games.
There are many of us as adults who have lost our own play connection. Early demands for us to be serious have led us to be over-focused, obsessed with goals and outcomes, even sombre. Our children provoke us; they alert us that we need to loosen up. The more serious ones among us need to hang around people who know how to be playful. Let them help us to be more comfortable with that dormant part of ourselves.
If we let them, our own children can teach us – they are naturals. They produce more play ideas per minute than most adult creative geniuses. That’s not a pencil – it’s a small man. That’s not a shoe – it’s a car the pencil-man can drive around in. When you feel up to it, see if you can let your child lead the game, and follow her. You are the troupe of actors (let yourself be cast in roles) who enable her grand design to come to life. Think of it as a voyage of discovery, because when you do you are going to learn so much about your child’s inner world. And there is a further pay-off for you: loosening up and playing with your child can be good for your health, your emotional wellbeing, even your immune system.
Exercise
Take a few minutes to remember your fondest memory of playing as a child, if possible from a time when you were similar in age to your child. Relive those moments in your mind, what you saw, what things smelled like, how your body felt and what it was like emotionally. Let those feelings come back to you; the excitement, the awe, the magic, even the frustration when things did not go as you wanted them to. What happened to that part of you? Can you be sure it is not still there? Your natural desire to be playful with your child and immerse yourself in her games flows more freely when you can tap into your own inner playful child.
What if there are painful memories for you about not being allowed to play as a child? What if your parents or carers were unsympathetic towards natural childishness, or there were other stressful factors at home that made child’s play difficult? If this is how it was for you, then pause for a few moments and ask yourself: How do I feel about this? There may be a range of emotions wanting to surface (do you feel sad, perhaps, or angry?). If you can give these emotions some expression by talking with someone you trust or perhaps by writing them down, you may experience a sense of release and renewal that makes room for your natural playfulness to come through.
Literacy begins with pleasure
Learning can and should be pleasurable and joyous. Read to your toddler, even to your baby. Read to them regularly, often and, if you both like reading, do it nightly. Reading a story to your child can be part of a bedtime ritual that quickly gets associated with falling asleep peacefully and contentedly. You can start even before your baby or toddler can understand that books have stories in them. It cements an early association in your child’s mind between books and pleasure, and may well make reading attractive to your child for years to come.
So, let her handle the book, put it in her mouth if she insists, and toss it around. Let go of any expectation that your toddler has to immediately sit passively and wait for the story to begin – let alone listen patiently through the whole tale and clap obligingly at the end. Your child has her own way of relating to a book; let her discover that. Just enjoy your time together and have a sense of humour about it if she wants to play with the book so much that reading more than one page at a time proves impossible. Show her the letters. Trace them with your finger. Let her trace the letters too; a letter can be a sensual experience. Choose stories that both of you can enjoy, so she feels that you are also having fun. These days there are so many books around that are funny and delightful for the parents as well as for the child. Remember, the greatest incentive to learn comes from pleasure and love. If you surround the act of reading with an experience of humour, fun, warmth and closeness, your child may well fall in love with books – and of course, with reading. She is more likely then to become an avid reader and learner of everything.
What is healthy separation?
We saw earlier that for a baby, extended separation from the ones she loves can be the most painful and even traumatic experience. A toddler, on the other hand, brings new resources to the experience of separation. In fact, the toddler years are the appropriate time when a child begins the gradual uncoupling from her exclusive attachment to her caregivers. In order to gain in self-confidence and emotional security, toddlers will, little by little, dare to venture into having time alone, time away from parents, and time with others. This is the beginning of the child’s journey towards differentiating themselves from parents: ‘I am not my mum, she is not me. I can be more of myself.’
Now, what is it about a toddler that helps her to manage separation for longer periods than a baby, and sometimes even enjoy some time away from you?
At around 18 months of age, the child’s brain becomes mature enough to make a mental image of you, and to be able to anticipate your return. Just because you are not visible doesn’t mean you don’t exist any more. Your child now begins to be able to soothe himself with a memory of you if you are absent for a little while.
Control is the key. Trauma is, by definition, about enduring a painful experience that we cannot control, a situation we are totally powerless to influence. When a toddler masters standing up all by herself, walking and even trotting, she realises that she can propel herself towards you or another safe person. This makes separation increasingly less scary. As she learns to speak, language becomes another empowering tool that gives the toddler more control. The more she feels able to communicate her wants and needs, the more she trusts that she will be OK when she is momentarily out of range from her main carers, and the more you can rely on her to tell you where and when she feels safe.
With these brand new tools in the toddler’s tool belt, no wonder she feels safer to be separate from you.
But it is very important that this process of individuation be gradual as toddlers can still feel separation anxiety quite acutely. The key to making separation non-traumatic, is to let it be, as much as possible, child-led. Let your toddler explore her new frontiers away from you at her own pace. She will show you, through her behaviour, her words or her facial expressions, when she is ready to let you go. Remember, trauma for a child is about loss of control, so if she is allowed to have some control over how fast to let you go, her separation from you will be painless.
There is a large variation in toddler’s rates of separation. Some may dash off very quickly and feel very comfortable in a new environment with new people, while others may need to touch base for reassurance far more often. The main thing is to allow each toddler to set the pace and to feel a measure of control over the process.
In this way individuation can be better than just ‘not scary’ and ‘not traumatic’: it can be an exhilarating experience. In fact, as your toddler gets a little more self-assured, you will find that sometimes she pushes you away.
First day at preschool, kindy or childcare
There are many people who recall their first day at school as a uniquely frightening ordeal, in which they could not possibly understand why their parents were suddenly leaving them alone with strangers for hours on end. No amount of crying attracted a comforting stranger, let alone brought back their mother or father. They felt bewildered and devastated as they watched their parent’s back, purposefully disappearing into the distance. This kind of sudden and lengthy separation can be traumatic, and the pain involved for the child has been largely dismissed. Folk beliefs hold that children get over it and it won’t have lasting effects. This is not true. Many people remember this first day rite for the rest of their lives with much sadness. The fear and the betrayal they felt has a long-term impact on how they view themselves, and the importance they place on their own feelings and needs.
The first day at school can be a sudden separation that comes as a shock to the child. They are dropped off and left in the care of strangers, without being given a chance to learn to feel at home in their new environment and to see if they feel safe with the staff and the other children. There is no reason for this to happen.
In all preschools, kindergartens and childcare facilities, parents should be allowed to remain in the background, quietly available while giving their children the space to roam around and bond with others. The common closed-door policy to parents is unjustifiable and hurtful to children and parents. This policy runs foul of all that is now clearly understood about children’s developmental needs and should be changed as soon as possible.
If your toddler becomes distressed, let him come to you for comfort. Don’t go checking in on him too much; let him come to you under his own steam. It might surprise you to find that although sometimes he needs you, at other times he might self-soothe, or find solace in the company of others. Knowing that you are there might be enough. Parents and teachers should wait and let toddlers show them when they are ready to be left. Parents can then begin to leave their child behind, for short periods initially, gradually increasing their absence, and allowing their toddler to be comforted by others if they do become distressed. For this to work well, teachers and carers need to be responsive to the children’s emotions and willing to be comforting towards them. It also makes all the difference, of course, if it’s fun for your child to be there.
Today in Australia, there are few preschools offering this kind of open-door policy to parents. In contrast, Swedish preschools are, as a rule, open to parents. Separation trauma need never happen in a child’s life.
Insist on your rights as a parent in being allowed into preschool with your toddler or shop around for one that allows you to come in and graduate your exit. If your preschool won’t allow you to come inside with your child, don’t take no for an answer too readily. Explain to them that you do not intend to shadow your child and interfere with her need to get out in the world and learn to forge her own relationships with teachers, carers and other kids. Let them know you simply wish to be quietly available, in the background, for decreasing periods of time so your child has a chance to regulate the process of separating from you.
When small children feel very anxious but they are not with someone that they feel safe with, they don’t necessarily let their feelings show. That is why teachers and busy childcare workers do not always notice that a child is in distress. Only someone very familiar with that child might detect a difference. The cortisol studies mentioned in the previous chapter are alerting us to the fact that many toddlers endure a length of time separate from loved ones before they are ready. This should concern us, since high levels of cortisol for extended periods can be corrosive, as we saw earlier, and have a detrimental impact on the emotional centres of the brain. Cortisol damage can lead to long-term emotional and behavioural problems.
Can others care for your toddler?
We said earlier that babies can and should be allowed to form attachments to alloparents. This is even more true of toddlers. Toddlers are growing in their ability to connect with many different kinds of people. In fact, children benefit enormously from having several safe and caring people in their lives who they can bond with. All parents need and deserve at least a few hours each week to refresh themselves, to spend a little time alone, with their partners or friends, and to catch up on the tasks that are difficult to accomplish with a toddler around.
Many people choose alternatives to childcare or preschool. Some invite family members to join them in looking after their child (alloparents), increasingly parents gather into support groups where trusted mothers and fathers help each other care for the children, and others employ a carer to come to their home. How do we know if these alloparents are appropriate for our child?
What if you decide to employ a nanny to come to your home on a regular basis, or ask another family member, such as one of your parents, to join in the care of your child? The main thing you can do to reassure yourself, is to let your toddler vote with her heart. Your child does the interview. Ask her directly how she likes being with the carer. Sometimes, toddlers can be very up-front and honest. But since toddlers cannot always be clear about their feelings – do you know many adults who are? – watch closely how she behaves around the carer. Does she run to them? Does she reach out to them to be held or picked up? Does she laugh and giggle with them? Does she climb all over them? These are some of the signs that your toddler feels safe to be herself with the carer you are testing.
Look for someone for your toddler to bond with who is warm, responsive to her feelings, and who is able to be playful. Imagine yourself as a child and ask yourself: Would I feel safe with this person? How would I feel about being left with this person?
When you find someone or some place for your toddler to be cared by, then – take some time out. Enjoy your time to yourself and with other adults. Intimacy with a child requires intense focus and energy from you. Recharge your batteries by having some of your adult needs met. You are a much better carer when you also care for yourself. And allow your child to learn to relate to others who are different to you; she will thrive from this, and gain many new relating skills.