I.
I bump into James
in the elevator,
haven’t seen him since
walking in on him and Dad.
My throat swells.
I can’t look at him without remembering him naked.
I look down.
Notice he’s bringing up our ornament boxes
from the storage space in the basement.
Four boxes stacked around him.
I don’t ask questions, but he explains quickly
that Dad wasn’t feeling well again,
Mom had a big project,
Dad asked if he could buy the tree,
bring the boxes up.
I don’t offer to help.
II.
Dad lying on the couch,
says what James has already told me.
I tell him I don’t need James’s help,
Dad says he didn’t know if I’d be around.
He sounds hurt, speaks in a voice
that leaves me with no right
to question.
III.
Later, everyone home,
Mom puts on a Christmas CD.
April puts a wreath on her head,
helps James hang the lights.
April seems unfazed by this new “family.”
I pretend to look through the boxes.
Blue glass balls that Mom made,
store-bought reds, greens and golds,
a peeled-nosed Rudolph,
a broken-hatted Frosty.
’Tis the season to be jolly!
Bing Crosby croons.
I pull a white unicorn with a red saddle from the box.
The smell of pine drifts
as they turn the tree into a blinking sky.
They all sing “Silent Night,”
I snap off the creature’s horn.
Pocket it.
Tell them I still need to buy gifts.
Float out the door.
IV.
On the street,
smoke a red I bummed from Chloe.
Fairy bells jingle as I enter Celestial Treasures.
Dark Side of the Moon on low as a whisper.
I walk over to the crystals:
a shelf of tiny violet cities,
walls of windows,
every triangled side, a light.
I palm one that looks like the skyline.
For a minute I think about getting it for Dad.
Then I remember what I walked out on:
Mom. Dad. April. James.
Together. Playing perfect family.
I go to the earrings,
pick out some star studs, for April.
Gloria is folding tapestries.
Asks me how my sister’s doing,
asks with some concern,
I say fine (as always).
Wonder why she cares so much.
After I pay, on my way out,
I pull the horn out of my pocket;
bury it in the folds of the window display
before I scurry away.