***
Marianne took Lilly and me to the Baton Rouge airport Saturday morning. Marianne carried Lilly into the terminal, her little arms wrapped around Mari’s neck.
"I want you to come with us," Lilly cried into Mari's shoulder.
"I can't leave my mama, and you need to go back to your mama." Marianne tried to reason with Lilly, but she was inconsolable.
"When will I see you again?" Lilly was whining and holding onto Mari.
"You'll be back. And I’ll come to New York to see you."
"Promise?"
"I promise." I was secretly excited about going home, but Lilly and I were still sad to leave Marianne.
Marianne put Lilly down, and we both cried when we said goodbye, but we were secretly excited about going home.
I expected to get a cab to my apartment, but Josh was waiting in baggage claim when we came down the escalator. Lilly started jumping up and down, yelling, "Uncle Josh! Uncle Josh!" She sprang into his arms and he winked at me over her shoulder. He finally put her down so she could run to the baggage carousel. He wrapped both arms around me and pulled me to him. He kissed me hard.
"I missed you!" He looked at me with a longing I hadn't seen in a very long time. I wanted to respond but I couldn't. Rodney had broken my heart again, and I felt distant and unsure of how I felt about Josh.
"Josh, a lot has happened. I think I'll need some time." I pulled away from him, but he kept holding one of my hands.
"You think?" He laughed, pulled me by my hand, and we caught up with Lilly. He acted like he didn't hear me.
By the time we pulled up at my apartment, it was after eight o'clock and Lilly was sound asleep in the back seat of the car. Josh carried her up the stairs and put her on my bed. I pulled off her socks and jeans and tucked her in.
"You're a natural at that." Josh had been standing at the foot of the bed watching.
"At what?"
"Mothering." He took my hand and led me to the living room. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.
"Want something to drink?" I pulled away without looking him in the eye and went to the kitchen, got him a beer, and poured myself a glass of chardonnay. He sat in the chair, and I sat on the sofa.
"Well, tell me about it."
"I saw him."
"Rodney?"
"Uh, huh?" I took a long sip of my wine and tried not to look at Josh but I could feel his stare boring a hole through me.
"So?"
"It's over between us. He has someone else." I didn't look at him, and I felt tears gather under my eyelids.
"What does that mean?"
"I'm not sure, but I'm very hurt and sad."
"I'm sorry, Susie. I hate to see you hurting, but take all the time you need. I told you I'm in no rush. I'm not going away." He talked in a whisper as if he wasn't sure he meant it, but I couldn't deal with his feelings, I was too wrapped up in my own.
"Can we talk about Emalene?" I asked. I'd been thinking about her the entire time. I'd talked to Joe several times but he never let me speak to her.
"She's better and will probably go home from the hospital this week."
"What did they find?" I was standing in the living room in front of the chair where he was sitting.
"I'll let her tell you." He stood up and took me into his arms. I realized it felt good that Josh could help me forget Rodney, but I would never use Josh or be dishonest with him. I snuggled into his embrace and wrapped my arms around his waist. We stood there for a long time.
*
When I called Emalene on Sunday, Joe answered and asked me to keep Lilly until Wednesday. He said Emma was asleep and he'd have her call me back, but she never did, and I figured Joe didn't tell her.
I picked Lilly up at her after-school program when I got off work on Wednesday and we rode the bus out to Springfield Gardens. She was jumping up and down, and I was holding her pink duffle bag packed with clean clothes on one shoulder and her school backpack on the other when Joe opened the front door. Lilly jumped into his arms and he picked her up, hugged her, and put her down. She took off running down the hall towards the master bedroom. Joe turned and walked into the house and left me standing on the porch. He never said hello, thank you, come inside, nothing.
I let myself in and went to Lilly's room to put her things away, then I found Joe in the kitchen. He was sitting at the table with a half-empty bottle of bourbon in front of him and a large shot glass. He filled the glass and downed it. Then he poured another shot.
"You okay?"
"This glass is too small." He got up and found a tumbler in the cabinet next to the refrigerator. He sat back down and poured the glass half-full of bourbon.
"Joe? Are you okay?"
"NO! I'M NOT OKAY! Stop asking." He downed half the liquid in the glass and put his head on the table. I walked out and went to Emalene's bedroom. Lilly was in bed with her and they were sitting with their backs propped against the headboard. Emma was as beautiful as ever but very thin. I hugged her, and we chatted for a few minutes. I wanted to know what the doctors found, but she didn't want to talk in front of Lilly.
"Do you want me to pick Lilly up at school tomorrow?"
"I think I'll keep her home with me the rest of the week." She hugged Lilly, and the two of them snuggled under the covers and giggled. I was happy Lilly was back with her mother. They were good together. I marveled that I wasn't jealous of their relationship and I hoped it was because Emalene's goodness was rubbing off on me.
I let myself out of the house without saying anything to Joe. When I got home I was worried; too wired to sleep. I poured myself a glass of wine and called Josh.
"Please tell me what's wrong with Emma." I sat at my kitchen table, one hand holding the phone, the other holding my aching head. "She can't talk to me with Lilly around and I don't know how to get her alone."
"Can I call you back in just a minute?" He sounded like I might have disturbed him and I was taken aback. He'd always been so available to me. We hung up, and I drank my wine and poured myself another glass. I rarely drank more than one, so I knew I was in a bad place.
He called back about thirty minutes later.
"Emma said you should go to see her tomorrow. I'll be there, and I'll take Lilly for a walk or something." Josh was speaking slowly and softly, and it scared me.
"Why can't you tell me now?"
"Emma wants to tell you herself." He took a deep breath and sighed.
"Josh. You're scaring me. This sounds serious." I rubbed my forehead as if to push the thoughts in and out.
"Just go to see her tomorrow afternoon. I'll see you there." He hung up, and I listened to the dial tone for several long seconds thinking about Emma and wondering what was wrong with her that was so secretive. I had to wait another day to find out.
*
"How long have you known?" I was sitting on the ottoman facing her in her over-stuffed chair.
"I had surgery two years ago, and radiation. We thought it was gone. But…"
"Oh, Emma!" I put my head in her lap, and she stroked my hair and said something like, "There, there. It'll be fine." But I knew it wouldn't. What would I do without Emalene and Joe? And what would happen to Lilly? "Did Josh know two years ago?"
"Of course. He helped me when I was first diagnosed. He lined me up with the best breast surgeon in New York and got me in with a leading research oncologist. I don't know how I would have handled the medical part of this without Josh."
"But he didn't tell me."
"I don't think he felt it was his story to tell. I'm telling you now. The surgery two years ago was to remove the tumor. Two weeks ago, after you and Lilly left for Louisiana, I had a double mastectomy."
"Emma, how serious is this?"
"Serious but treatable. I'm going to start chemotherapy on Monday. I might need your help with Lilly if it makes me sick. I don't want Joe to miss too much work, yet."
"Anything. I'll do anything you need." We didn't talk for the longest time. I just let her stroke my hair, and I inhaled her scent of lilac mixed with something like lemons. Finally, I lifted my head and looked at her. It was hard for me to believe she was sick.
Later Josh drove me home, and I asked him about Emma's prognosis.
"I don't know, Susie. Cancer is such a difficult disease to predict. Two years ago we removed the tumor and she had a series of radiation treatments. We thought she was healed, and in many cases, that's all it takes. With this recurrence, radiation will not work; the only option is chemo." He was driving slowly and looked at me out the corner of his eye.
"She looks thin and pale, doesn't she? I'm worried."
"Yeah. Me too." We drove into my parking lot, and he stopped the car but left the engine running. I looked at him, and he smiled and winked. I wanted to be mad at him for not telling me about Emma's cancer. I wanted to stay mad at all of them for keeping secrets. But, somehow, in the face of the seriousness of things that were happening, none of that seemed to matter.
Again, I thought how much I had grown over the past year.
*
The next month was a blur of putting one foot in front of the other, trying to move on from Rodney, but feeling stuck. I was also concerned about my family's problems—Mama gone, Daddy sick. And worse, Emalene had cancer.
Lilly was the bright spot in my life. I lived for Wednesdays and Saturdays when we would be together. During most of the week I'd go to work, come home, read, work on my Catfish stories and go to bed. On Wednesdays, I'd pick Lilly up at school and she'd spend the night at my apartment. I'd take her to school Thursday mornings and watch her curls bounce as she ran into the building, waving her hand over her shoulder saying, "I love you, Susie."
On Saturdays, I would restock my fridge and pantry, wash my clothes, vacuum, and try to stay busy until about three o'clock when I'd head back to Springfield Gardens.
Every week Emma looked a little better and seemed a bit more chipper. The chemo treatments were hard on her, and the doctors had to reduce the amount and frequency. When she was having treatments, she was lethargic and stayed in bed a lot. And she was thin, but was always in good spirits and happy to see me when I arrived.
As soon as I walked in the door, Joe would walk out without a word. I'd stay until he returned, unless it was after ten at night, which it often was, in which case I'd spend the night with Lilly in her double bed, then have to hustle to get to work in the morning.
I started going to mass on Sundays at the chapel on the campus of St. John's. It was familiar, and I had missed my Catholic roots. I prayed a lot during those long, sad months. I prayed for Rodney. I prayed that I would heal and that God would show me what I should do with my life without Rodney in it.
I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with. It was a great diversion from my personal life. I was becoming a star at work, well respected and moving up in the ranks.
Josh called every night. Sometimes I just didn't answer the phone. When I did answer, he mostly carried on a one-sided conversation, and we'd hang up. But he never ridiculed me or made me feel guilty for the distance I put between us. He was there for me if I needed him, but he didn’t crowd me while I felt my way through the murkiness of my life.
It got cold, it snowed, and merchants began displaying Christmas decorations. On Thanksgiving, I went to Emalene and Joe's for dinner. When I rang the doorbell that afternoon, Lilly came running into my arms and pulled me into the house by my hand.
"Guess who's here!" She was excited, and I laughed at her giddiness, followed her into the kitchen, and watched her jump into Josh's arms. "It's Uncle Josh!" She hugged his neck and scampered down to the floor.
Josh was standing in the middle of the kitchen wearing one of Emalene's aprons, with an oven mitt on his hand. He had flour on one of his cheeks and a sheepish grin on his face.
"Joe's not here, and I somehow got roped into cooking a turkey, under the direction of Maestro Emma!" He was laughing. I started laughing, too, at the sight of Josh, the grin on his face, the mess in the kitchen—the entire scene was comical. I wanted to kiss him, but instead, I joined the party.
Emalene sat at the table, giggling. She was instructing him on how to make Thanksgiving dinner yet he'd never stirred a pot in his life. Soon I had on an apron, and Josh and I were both taking direction from Emma, all of us laughing and cutting up like children. We opened a bottle of wine and sat at the table while the dressing-stuffed turkey baked and the potatoes boiled.
"Where's Joe?"
"Not sure," Emma said and looked at Josh as though he could explain.
"We aren't sweeping things under the table. The one thing Emalene needs is honesty and for everyone to act like she's Emma, not Cancer!"
"Okay, but what does that have to do with Joe?"
"Joe hasn't been coming home much lately," Emalene said.
"Oh?"
"He can't handle this. I need him, but I understand how he could feel overwhelmed and need time to figure things out."
"Reminds me of my mother. She ran out on my dad when he got sick." I didn't mean to blurt out my own problems. I hadn't discussed my situation with Emma because she'd been sick. I hadn't told Josh much either.
"Oh, Susie, I'm sorry. You never told me what happened in Louisiana. You've been so sad since you returned, but you and I haven't really had time to talk about it."
"It's nothing. It's just I was thinking how some people can't deal with a change like chronic illness when it's someone they love. I mean I wonder…" I couldn't finish my thought about how some people couldn't watch their loved one waste away and die.
We were all quiet. I had ruined the festive spirit, but Lilly ran into the room and started dancing and asking for music. Josh got up and put a Christmas record on the stereo, and he and Lilly danced to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Emma and I watched them and smiled, but we were both lost in our own losses—she'd lost Joe, I'd lost Rodney.
We'd just sat down to dinner when Joe stumbled in, drunk. Josh practically carried him to the bedroom and, I guess, got him in bed where he passed out cold. Emalene proceeded with Thanksgiving as though nothing had happened and I watched as she made everything appear wonderful for Lilly. I thought for the umpteenth time what a wonderful mother Emalene was and how lucky I was to have chosen her.
Neither Josh nor I wanted to leave Emma and Lilly in the house with Joe, but Emalene insisted they would be fine. I had originally thought I'd spend the night, but no longer felt it was a good idea, so I offered to take Lilly home with me. Emalene said, "No, it's Thanksgiving, I'd rather have her with me. You're welcome to stay with us, Susie," but I declined.
Josh offered to drive me home. When I hesitated, he said, "It's just a ride, so you don't have to take the bus so far this late at night."
We didn't talk in the car. When he pulled up at my apartment, I said thank you and opened the door. He didn't try to stop me, but before I got fully out of the car, I turned around and looked at him.
"I'm really sorry about how I'm acting, Josh. I can't help myself."
"I'm the last person you need to explain yourself to. You've had a lot of losses—your dad, your parents' marriage, Emma, Joe, Rodney. Take all the time you need to grieve. When you get tired of carrying all of this alone, I'm here, available, and willing to walk with you through this tunnel." He stared at me, and I wondered how anyone could love me so unconditionally when I was so flawed. Mostly I wondered why I couldn't love Josh Ryan, who was probably perfect for me.
Time can move slowly sometimes; other times it speeds by, and you wonder how so much could happen in such a short span.
We got into a new routine after Christmas. I'd pick Lilly up at school on Monday afternoons and keep her at my apartment all week, then take her home on Friday afternoon. Joe would show up on Saturdays, and I'd go home and spend the rest of the weekend at my apartment.
One Friday in March when I took Lilly home, Emalene was on the floor in the kitchen, out cold. I called an ambulance, then called Josh, who said he would find Joe. Lilly was beside herself, crying, screaming, wanting to get in the ambulance with her mother, so the two of us got in the back with the paramedic and sped off to the hospital.
Josh was in the Emergency Room when we arrived. Lilly jumped into his arms, and I fell against him. He hugged us both and led us to a private waiting room, then left to see about Emalene. A pretty young nurse came in and asked if we needed anything and even though we said, "No," she brought us sodas and crackers. An hour later, Josh came back and sat down at the round table in the center of the room. Lilly sat on his lap, and I was across from them.
"Joe's with her now. It's not good. We did some X-rays and a CT scan, and the cancer has spread. She fainted because she hasn't had anything to eat all week and is dehydrated. We have to make some kind of arrangements for care since Joe doesn't go home much, and that means Emalene is alone most of the week." He looked so sad and helpless. I reached across the table and took his hand. Lilly was hanging onto his neck, and I wished I could be in her place. I needed to hang on to someone.
Joe moved out of the house, and I moved in to help care for Emalene. She told me that Joe was disgusted with her since her mastectomy and didn't want to be married to her anymore. It was the saddest thing I'd ever heard, and it made me see my problems as minute in comparison.
I prepared dinner at night and made sure Emma ate and kept up her fluid intake; I'd fix leftover plates for the next day for Emma and the sitter Joe had hired to help out. In the morning I'd take Lilly to school and go to work.
The doctors decided Emalene could no longer tolerate the chemotherapy, even in the lower doses they'd been administering.
"No more? Ever? What does that mean?" I was sitting on the sofa in Emma's living room. Josh had come over to check on Emma and have dinner with us.
"Cancer is a strange bird. This one could be slow-growing, and she could have lots of years. Or it could be fast, and we could lose her in a matter of months. Without treatment, we know it will grow; how fast, we don't know." Josh was honest and I could tell he was sad. I was, too. He moved to the sofa and put his arms around me. I laid my head on his chest, and we cried quietly together for our friend, and for ourselves.
Finally, I got hold of myself and sat up straight. He still had his arm over my shoulder, and he held my hand in my lap.
"How's Joe?" He squeezed my shoulder, and I could feel his breath on my hair, so I knew he was looking at me.
"I hardly know Joe anymore. He's retreated into himself and doesn't communicate at all." I sat there like a zombie, unable to put all the pieces together.
On Sunday Josh took Lilly and me to the park and to Marco’s for pizza. I was distant and quiet, absorbed in all the feelings of loss, and too depressed to see the person right in front of me offering the kind of devotion and love I needed most.
*
Joe came home some nights to see Lilly, which gave me a little time to myself. He didn't speak to me, and I wondered whether he spoke to Emma when they were alone.
We turned the storage room into a small bedroom for me, although I usually slept with Lilly. I had a single bed and a small table that served as a desk, and the space was private enough—a place to write and think.
Emma rarely got out of bed. She was thin and weak and could barely make it to the bathroom without help. Yet she was always positive and light-hearted, insisting Lilly and I play cards or dominoes with her, or pile in the bed and watch TV and eat popcorn together.
Josh came over two or three evenings a week and had dinner with us. He'd examine Emma and check on her medications. Joe sometimes came to visit Lilly on Saturdays, or Josh would relieve me so I could go to my apartment to water my plants, pick up my mail, and get the things I needed. Those once-a-week visits to my place seemed to keep me grounded in my life, disrupted and crazy as it was.
When I was home on Saturdays I called to check on Daddy, who was slowly getting better, yet, as Josh explained, he'd never be totally healthy again. When I talked to him, he sounded happy to hear from me and would ask me about my life, my job, my writing. At the end of every conversation, he'd say, "I love you, pretty girl." His new attitude towards me kept me off-balance.
Mama didn't go home. James went to visit her in Houston again and said she was living with some old, rich man. He brought Albert back to Jean Ville to live with Daddy because everyone thought it was a better situation. Tootsie moved into James's old bedroom in the back of the house and did a great job of loving Sissy and Albert and raising them into beautiful, caring young people, something Mama probably would have failed at.
*
One June morning I awoke to a peculiar smell outside the window of Lilly's bedroom. I slipped out of bed and walked barefoot across the hall to the bathroom. I thought I heard a cat crying under the floorboards and, other than that faint sound, there was an eerie silence in the house. I brushed my teeth and went to the kitchen to start the coffee pot when I felt cold chills run up my spine and the taste in my mouth turned from toothpaste-mint to lemon-sour in a millisecond.
I tiptoed into Emalene's bedroom as if I were expecting to encounter a burglar. Emma was propped on her pillows just as I had left her the night before and seemed to be sleeping peacefully, but something was not right, I could feel it in my soul.
I crept to the side of her bed, still expecting someone to jump out from behind a curtain or door and surprise me, yet it was so quiet I could have heard an intruder breathing had he been in the room with us. That's when I knew what was wrong.
No one was breathing. Not even me. I gasped and tried not to scream because I didn't want to scare Lilly. I scrambled onto Emalene's bed and lay my ear on her chest—no movement, no sound.
Suddenly the eerie silence was broken by the sound of a train running through my head, its whistle blowing, its coal engines churning, its iron wheels chugging. It was so loud and all encompassing that I couldn't think or feel or reason. The noise reverberated in my skull as if someone was throwing metal balls inside my head and they were pinging back and forth across my brain. I heard a scream, "Nooooooooooooo!" The silence outside my head broke wide open, and I knew that scream came from my own throat, from deep inside my chest.
"Nooooooooooooo!!" Emmmmmmmaaaaaaa!"
Lilly came running into the room in her pajamas and jumped onto the bed. We were both hovering over Emalene. I pumped her chest and Lilly tried to breathe into Emma's mouth as though we were performing CPR in tandem. I'm not sure how long we bounced on Emalene's bed trying to revive her or how long the train railed through my head and the smell of rotting leaves surrounded us, but at some point, Emma took a breath, and her eyelids fluttered. She gasped and started to cough.
I sat back on my heels, grabbed Lilly and rocked her in my lap while we cried and watched Emma breathe. I got two cold, wet rags from the bathroom and put one across Emma’s forehead, the other on her neck. She was sitting half-way up in bed and looked pale. She had a blank stare in her eyes that scared me. I kept trying to get her to talk, but she would look at me as though she didn’t understand what I was saying.
I called an ambulance then dialed Josh’s home phone. He answered on the first ring.
"It's Emma. She's stopped breathing. We brought her back with CPR, but her breathing is labored and shallow. She doesn’t look right. I called for an ambulance."
"I'll be right over." When he walked into the bedroom, Lilly was lying next to Emma, hugging her. Emma’s arms lay limp by her side but her eyes were opened, and she was breathing. I sat beside them, holding Emma's hand and rubbing Lilly's back, too stunned to cry any more.
Josh put his hands on my shoulders and pulled a little to get me to move so he could check on Emma. He put his stethoscope on her chest and moved it around, felt her neck with his fingers. She grinned at him, the first expression of real life she’d shown since I’d found her.
"Emma, the ambulance in on its way. We're going to take you to the hospital to see what's causing this breathing problem."
"Okay." It was good to hear Emma speak. Lilly crawled over Emma and into my lap.
We didn't go with Josh and Emma to the hospital because Josh said children weren't allowed on the floors, and that he'd keep us posted.
"The cancer is in one of the lobes in Emma's left lung," Josh told me on the phone. "Right now she's too weak for surgery so she's going to the rehab floor where they will help build her strength."
"How long will she be in the hospital?"
"That's something we have to discuss. I'm going to find Joe, and the three of us need to meet to talk about a long term-plan for Emma."
*
On Wednesday while Lilly was at school, Joe, Josh, and I met at a restaurant close to Shilling Publishing. Josh said that Emma would never be well again, and if she survived lung surgery and more chemo, she would need to be in a long-term care center.
"She can't stay at home anymore," Josh said. "Even with full-time care, she's too sick and frail."
"What's her long-term prognosis?" Joe pushed his food around his plate and never took a bite.
"I'm not sure how long she went without breathing before Susie brought her back, but indications are that she's lost some brain function. That complicates her physical problems."
"What are you saying, Josh?" I tried to keep my voice steady and concentrate. Josh was blunt. He told us that Emma would have surgery in two weeks to remove the lung cancer, then would recover in a rehab unit for a couple of weeks before being moved to a nursing home.
He said he didn't expect she would ever be normal again, even if she survived the cancer.
Joe didn't ask any questions, just stared at Josh as if he didn't understand the explanation. Eventually, he stood up and walked out of the restaurant.
The next day I went to visit Emma at the hospital. She didn't know me, although she smiled and we chatted. I talked about Lilly, but Emma didn't seem to understand who I was talking about. I was glad there was a rule about children not visiting patients in the hospital because Lilly would be devastated if Emma didn't know her.
"Her neurologist said that it's possible some of her brain function will return." Josh and I were in his car, parked in front of Lilly's school on Friday afternoon, waiting for her to come out. Mr. Mobley often let us off early on Fridays and Josh had the weekend off, so we'd planned to take Lilly to Coney Island.
"As for her memory, I think that's one of the last functions to return." He was turned in his seat so he could look at me, his left arm over the steering wheel, hand dangling over the dashboard.
"So will she ever know Lilly?"
"I am not sure. It's very sad. She didn't know Joe when he went to see her, either." Josh put his right arm on the back of my seat and pinched my shoulder lightly. "I'm sorry, Susie. I know it was hard for you."
Emma survived lung surgery and went back to rehab. She was moved to a nursing home five weeks after I'd found her not breathing. Finally, Lilly could visit her.
"She might not know you, sweetheart," I tried to explain to Lilly that her mother looked different. She wore a turban because they'd shaved her hair. She was very thin, and her skin was splotched with red hives. I went to see her twice a week, and she began to know me as a regular visitor, but she didn't remember me from before she was hospitalized.
"She will know me. Mamas always know their little girls." Lilly was skipping down the sidewalk in her new white shoes and lace-trimmed socks. Josh was waiting in his BMW convertible at the curb. He got out of the car and came around to open the doors for us. Lilly slid into the back seat, I got in the front.
"Uncle Josh needs to explain, Lilly." I turned to Josh, anguish across my face. "I've tried to tell Lilly that her mother might not know her but she doesn't believe me."
"Let's not borrow trouble." He turned in his seat so he could see Lilly who was sitting behind me. "But I don't want you to get hysterical if your mom can't remember you, Lil."
"What's hysterical?"
"Crying and screaming. If you do any of that, the people who run the facility won't let you come back. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"I guess so. But why would I scream and cry?"
"Let's just say that your mom looks different. She acts differently. You might not know her, and she might not know you." Josh reached behind my seat and patted Lilly's leg.
When we entered Emma's bright corner room with lots of windows, she was sitting up in bed. Lilly ran in the door yelling, "Mama," and jumped up into Emma's bed. Emma cringed and grabbed her chest, afraid Lilly would hug her and hurt her incision, still sore from surgery.
She looked over Lilly's brown curls at Josh and me; we were as surprised by Lilly's actions as Emma was. Lilly hugged Emma and slid under the covers next to her. Emma put her arm under Lilly's neck and her little head lay softly on Emma's shoulder.
We went to visit Emma every Saturday, and Emma learned to talk to Lilly about dolls and school and other things, in a generic way, but Lilly began to notice that her mother didn't remember her or her childhood. Joe continued to come home to the house in Springfield Gardens every Saturday and spent the night with Lilly so I could go to my apartment for a break. I never asked him where he lived during the week; in fact, we didn't talk much. The fourth Saturday after Emma had been moved to the nursing home, Lilly didn't want to go visit her.
"Let's do something else today, Susie. Maybe we can go somewhere with Uncle Josh." She refused to wear the pink dress I'd laid out on the bed for the visit with her mama and, instead, slipped into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt that didn't match. I wanted to laugh, but I held back and gently suggested we change her shirt to another, cleaner one.
"Josh is on call this weekend. Maybe you and I can go to the library?" I pulled the blinds open on her window and saw that it was drizzling outside.
"Okay." She seemed cheerful, even though this would be a day with only me.
After that, I insisted that we visit Emma at least once a month, but nothing changed in the way she responded to me, or Lilly. She was pleasant and distant, as though visiting with strangers. I knew Lilly was hurt and confused and I tried to keep her busy and make her feel loved.
Lilly became my whole world, and I wouldn't have traded that for anything. In fact, I realized I was no longer depressed and rarely thought about Rodney or worried about my dad and mom or any of the losses in my life.
I guess you could say I'd moved on. Finally.
*
One Saturday, Josh came over and took us to the park. It was a beautiful day and the black-backed gulls were out in force. Josh had his ever-present bag of popcorn and Lilly helped him feed the birds. Soon she was chasing one that took off with more than his share, and Josh and I sat on the bench to watch.
"I saw Joe this week." He was staring at one of the gulls, but I knew he didn't see the bird, or the concrete, or the trees. He was sad and thoughtful. "He wants me to talk to you about Lilly."
"What about Lilly?"
"He wants to move back in to the house and for you to move out."
“Just me? Or me and Lilly?”
“Just you.”
“I’m not leaving her. She needs me. She can come to live with me. I'll get a bigger place and Joe can move back in to their house."
"Joe has a girlfriend, a student. Seems he's been seeing her for a while, maybe before Emalene got sick. He says he's going to marry this girl."
"What about Lilly?"
"He has this vision of a happy little family." Josh looked up at Lilly who was running around in a circle chasing one of the gulls. "She needs her daddy."
"I'm her mother. I should have rights."
"You are her biological mother, but Joe and Emalene adopted her and have legal rights. You have none. They raised her from birth. Can you really take her from the only father she's ever known?"
"Joe has been an absent father for over a year while I've taken care of her. I'll get a lawyer. I'll fight for her."
"You should think about it first. Think about Lilly and think about yourself. It's a big responsibility that I'm not sure you're ready for."
"What do you think I've been doing this past year?" I was angry. I'd been there for Lilly, for Emalene, even for Joe when he was home. I'd taken on the world, and no one seemed to think anything of it.
I knew what he meant, though. I was sad and often despondent. It was time for me to get a grip, quit feeling sorry for myself, and move on with my life.
"Please don't be mad at me. I just want you to think about it before you decide." He put his arm on my shoulder. I resisted at first but eventually scooted closer, telling myself it was so we could hear each other without raising our voices.
"What's to think about? Lilly is my daughter. I would never desert her." I figured Josh was thinking that I had deserted her once, but that was a different Susie Burton. I'd grown up. I was ready to be her mother.
That evening I packed Lilly's things and took her to my apartment. I told her it would be better for us to be away from the house that held so much sadness, and she seemed to understand. In reality, I wanted her with me while I fought for her.
I went to see an attorney Mr. Mobley told me about who handled custody cases. The lawyer got a judge to sign an injunction giving custody of Lilly to me, pending a hearing, which would be held the following month.
I called Joe every day for a week and left messages, but he never answered the phone or called me back. Finally, Josh went to see Joe at the university where he taught.
"He said they served him with papers and it made him think." Josh was sitting in my den that evening after I put Lilly to bed. "He doesn’t want a court battle. He said maybe the two of you can share custody, like a divorced couple, where he could have her every other weekend. Something like that."
"I like that idea. Lilly needs her daddy. I don't want him out of her life." I was whispering in case Lilly was not yet asleep in the bedroom of my little apartment. “But we need to talk about it. I’ve tried to call him every day, and he doesn’t call me back.”
All the details had to be worked out with lawyers, and I stood firm on having legal custody of Lilly. I agreed that Joe could take her for weekend visits and could come to see her during the week if he wanted to.
At first, Joe was diligent about his visitation schedule, but after a couple months he would call and say something had come up and would reschedule. I made sure Lilly talked to him on the phone on weekends when he didn't pick her up, and we went out to the house in Springfield Gardens every couple weeks to get some of her things and let her revisit her home.
Sometimes Joe was there, but most times not.