The handful of seconds that pass while I essentially launch myself on Shep are a whirlwind of determination, terror, fear of rejection and then something almost magical. All this causes my limbic system to overload, shutting down my mental faculties, but I immediately tune back in when Shep pulls away from me suddenly.
‘Lea, what the feck was that?’ He takes a further step back, as if to keep me at a physical distance.
‘Fuck, I’m sorry.’ I rub my face with my hand, feeling a rising panic that I’ve just made the situation a whole lot worse.
‘Seriously, what was that?’
‘I don’t know. I’m sorry. Can we just—’
‘Forget about it?’ He pierces me with an accusatory stare. ‘Really? That’s how you’re gonna handle this? By shutting down on me… again.’
Humiliated that Shep didn’t return my kiss, my eyes fall to the ground. With my moment of courage having passed, my instincts are screaming at me to do exactly as he’s expecting. But I know that if he means something to me in the way I think he does, I need to own this, even if it’s not going to lead to the outcome I think I want.
‘No. No, I’m not going to do that. Because that would be a really shit thing to do. Shep, I’m… having some complicated feelings… about you.’
He seems taken aback by this. ‘Complicated how?’
My face contorts from the agony of having to verbalise all this, when it’s evident he doesn’t feel the same way.
‘Um… OK… this is going to sound really bad, but if I share, I have to share honestly. You’re not what I’d usually go for.’
‘That’s an encouraging start.’ He raises a comical eyebrow and I chuckle self-consciously, but at least it lifts the tension between us a little.
‘I know. I told you it was going to sound bad, but what I mean by that is, I have a thing for hot, rugby-playing wankers who treat me like shit.’
‘You mean the bloke you got dumped by on Saturday.’
‘I’m not sure he dumped me. Technically, I’d say I dumped him…’ I shake my head to force myself back on track. ‘Anyway, that’s not the point. The point I’m making is that I have a faulty picker, so I didn’t even consider you in that way when we first met—’
‘Well, let’s not forget that I called you a “weird loner chick”.’ His mouth twitches at the corners, and I’m so grateful for his sense of humour.
‘There is that, too.’ I bite my lip in anticipation of sharing the part that will make me feel most vulnerable. ‘I thought… no, I assumed that there was nothing between us, and that I was just warming to you as a person… a friend maybe… until I began to realise that maybe there was more to it than that. Oh, and you started dropping Kira’s name into every other sentence.’
‘You’re jealous of Kira?’ His face turns incredulous.
‘Oh, come on. She’s a bloody goddess and you know it. You have eyes.’ I fold my arms and can’t help a light smirk.
‘I’m not saying she’s not. She’s an out-and-out stunner, and she’s great craic.’
‘See?’ My lip wobbles, as hearing this confirmed out loud makes it ten times worse.
‘She’s also not into me.’
‘How… how do you know that? It certainly sounds as if she is – and like you’d want her to be.’
Shep covers his mouth in what looks like an attempt to hide an amused smile. ‘Kira’s happily coupled up. With a woman. Her name’s Alaija and she seems just as awesome as Kira.’
‘Oh.’ I flush at this unexpected revelation.
‘So, now you know that Kira’s not a threat, and you have no one to be jealous of, how do you feel about me? I’ll admit that I was wondering for a moment there if that kiss was a stunt to stop me from moving out, or something crazy like that. But that would make no sense.’
On hearing this, guilt sweeps through me and I’m momentarily thrown by how perceptive Shep really is. I’m almost certain that’s not why I did it, but I’m starting to wonder if he can read me better than I can read myself. How do I feel about him? I need to be sure and not mess him about.
Meeting his gaze, I have a momentary flashback to how good it felt when I kissed him – albeit only for a couple of seconds – and how I saw him differently when he hugged me. And suddenly I’m so clear that I have real feelings for him, I’m terrified I might start to cry again.
‘I… uh… I like you. In that way. But I know you don’t feel the same and that’s fine.’
He narrows his eyes. ‘What makes you think I don’t feel the same?’
‘Maybe because you didn’t kiss me back, and then you pulled away from me in disgust?’
‘Or… I did kiss you back at first – but you were too wired with adrenaline to tell – and then my brain kicked into gear and I realised I needed some answers.’
‘Is that what happened?’ I give a hopeful smile.
‘What do you think?’ He raises his eyebrows at me and I inhale shakily.
That’s why I felt something amazing during that kiss. He was kissing me back.
Wetting my lips, I take a couple of tentative steps towards him, eyes locked on his, until he’s so close I can feel his breath on my face. He lifts his hand and tilts my chin up towards him, kissing me tenderly at first, then more intensely, sending tingles of desire right through my body. I respond by pulling him into me hungrily, so I can feel every part of him pressing against me. This sends the temperature between us rocketing and leads to us getting friskier than we possibly should in a city-centre alleyway.
The next thirty-six(ish) hours are a bit of a blur. With Shep and I sharing a roof, our relationship instantly shifts from amicable landlady and lodger to Love Island-style shacking up – except we don’t have a massive villa with a pool as our personal playground. We basically have the choice of four pokey high-ceilinged rooms to hang out in. I draw the line at the long narrow bathroom, which has all the practicality of stilettos in a snowstorm. Though I can’t deny pondering whether a sexy shower in my tiny bathtub is entirely off the table. In theory it would work, but the reality would more likely see one of us in A&E with a bruised spleen from an unpleasant encounter with the wall-mounted toiletries basket. Definitely not sexy or romantic.
Shep and I quite literally can’t keep our hands off each other, and on Thursday, I’m actually counting down the hours until I can leave work. Just so I can go for street food with him before his 7:30 p.m. show. It’s a dizzying experience going from thinking you don’t see someone that way, to thinking they’re the sexiest person on the planet, while also finding out you’re a perfect match in every way – including in bed. So much so that I’ve had to keep checking in with myself to make sure what I’m feeling is real, and I’m not just using Shep as a convenient and temporary cure for my loneliness.
But it is real. It’s like I’ve been a blinkered cart horse, trotting after all these blokes who met a narrow set of criteria, but who were ultimately poor choices for me.
Shep is fun and thoughtful – so thoughtful – and he seems to think I’m irresistible, which is quite a nice boost to my withered self-esteem. He also has an almost superhero-like ability to send waves of butterflies and naughty tingles through me with nothing more than a glance. The more I look into those gemstone-green eyes – especially when we’re moving in perfect rhythm together – the more physically attracted to him I become. He’s basically the human equivalent of catnip (to me, anyway).
Waking ahead of my alarm on Friday morning, after yet another late but incredible night together, I rub my bleary eyes, promising myself that I’ll get some proper sleep this weekend. However, this resolve weakens the moment I roll over and see Shep beside me.
‘Morning, sexy landlady.’ He smiles at me sleepily. ‘You’re not getting up already, are you?’
‘Soon.’ Shifting across the bed, I snuggle into him while he wraps his arms around me tightly.
‘You’re a great teddy bear,’ he murmurs contently, and I frown.
‘I’m not sure how I feel about that. Makes me sound very unsexy.’
‘OK, how about… you’re an off-the-scale, smokin’ hot teddy bear?’
‘I’ll take it.’ I giggle, as he smothers my neck with butterfly kisses.
‘When do you actually need to get up?’
‘I could stretch it to twenty minutes at a push.’
‘That’s more than enough time.’ He intensifies his kisses while his hands roam freely, causing me to gasp with pleasure, before I push him onto his back and straddle him.
Fifteen minutes later, after a brief but blissful morning workout, I get myself showered and changed – and, on joining Shep in the kitchen, I discover he’s made me breakfast.
‘Oh, thank you.’ I kiss him on the lips, while he slips his arms around my waist.
‘Anything for my sexy landlady.’ He squeezes my bum and pulls me in for a full-on snog. ‘You gonna come by the pub later, after my evening show?’
‘No, I’m going to come before your early show and hand out some of your flyers on the street.’
‘You are, are you?’ He seems surprised, but also chuffed by this announcement.
‘Yes.’ I give a firm nod. ‘I had some flex time built up at work, so I’m taking a half-day today. Normally, I don’t bother taking any time back, but Tanya suggested I go and enjoy the festival.’
‘So… you’re gonna do that by handing out my flyers? I expect that’s not quite what she had in mind.’
I shrug. ‘It’s up to me how I spend my free time, and this is how I want to do it. If you’re going to make the big time, people need to know about you, so I’m going to do my bit to help that along.’
‘You’re quite the little diamond, aren’t you?’ He spins me round affectionately and I flutter my eyelashes.
‘I have my uses.’
We share another lengthy smooch, then I dig into the toast and peanut butter he’s made for me.
‘I thought maybe we could grab some lunch together as well?’ I suggest. ‘You up for that?’
‘Sounds great.’ Shep puts the jar of peanut butter back in the cupboard. ‘Maybe George Square Gardens? There’s plenty of choice there.’
‘Perfect, I’ll message you when I leave work, then.’
‘Looking forward to it. So, what’s the plan for you and your muckers tomorrow night? Dinner first, maybe? Drinks after the show?’
I stop mid-chew. Crap, I forgot about that. I’ve still not heard back from Katie, which is an answer in itself. She won’t be ignoring me, she’ll just have forgotten to reply.
‘I… um… I’m still working on it.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means what it means. I haven’t quite nailed things down yet.’
‘Right, sure.’ He wipes some toast crumbs from the counter and dumps them in the bin. ‘I was just thinking, maybe I could join you if you’re doing something after? It would be nice to meet your mates.’
‘Really?’ I chuckle awkwardly, while squirming inside. ‘You want to meet your landlady’s friends?’
‘No, I want to meet my sexy-landlady-who-I’m-sharing-a-bed-with’s friends. You can find out a lot about a person from who they hang out with, and I’m keen to get a window into who you are.’ He flashes me an appraising smile.
Shep obviously doesn’t mean anything by this comment. How could he? He knows nothing of my life beyond what I’ve shared with him, but my shame-ridden hackles rise up all the same. What does it say about a person, then, if they have no friends to hang out with? If they spend most of their time alone, wishing they had? Does it mean they’re a loser? A loner? A ‘weird loner chick’? Shit, he’s made me paranoid with that comment.
‘So, what do you say?’ Shep breaks through my torturous inner dialogue. ‘Can I come play after the show?’
‘We’ll see.’ I pull away from him and focus on my breakfast.
‘Hey, what’s eating at you?’ He strokes the back of my neck in an attempt to soothe me.
‘Nothing. I’m just… It feels a bit too soon to introduce you to anyone in my life. We’ve only been doing “this” since Wednesday – evening – so can we maybe have some time just us before we put ourselves out on show?’
‘Aye, grand.’
Shep seems a bit baffled by my reaction, but I don’t have the time or the inclination to start unpacking things with him right now. It’s looking like it’s going to be me ‘plus none’ for tomorrow’s show, and I really don’t want him to know that – or, more importantly, why that is. I did consider skipping it altogether, but he’ll undoubtedly ask what I thought, and it was such a thoughtful gesture, I can’t let the tickets go to waste.
‘Look, don’t take it to heart, yeah?’ I swallow down the last of my breakfast and give him a peck on the lips. ‘I don’t mean it in a bad way. I’ll see you at lunchtime. Make sure you have a stack of flyers ready for me for after.’