Politely but determinedly squeezing my way through the group of people standing at the back of the venue, I pound down the aisle between the rows of occupied seats, walk straight past the microphone stand and dart behind the curtain.
‘Hey, there you are.’ Shep greets me with a smile. ‘I was starting to think I wasn’t gonna get my pre-show kiss.’
He steps forward to slip his arms around me and I take a step back, putting my hands on my hips.
‘There’s still a strong likelihood you won’t. How was your conversation with Dave?’
He puffs out his cheeks. ‘It went on a bit. He’s a real stickler for leaving things how you found them, almost to the point—’
‘Shep, cut the bullshit. I know you’ve been sitting in the bar enjoying a leisurely pint.’
‘Ah, shit… you caught me. Well, you know, I like to take some quiet time ahead of my performances, go over my set in my head—’
‘Also total bullshit.’ I fold my arms and stare him out. ‘How could you do that?’
‘Do what?’ He tries for a look of wide-eyed innocence.
‘Don’t pull that look with me.’ I keep my voice low, careful not to share our altercation with Shep’s audience. ‘You know exactly what I’m talking about. You set me up… on a bloody playdate!’
‘Mmm… that’s not quite how I would put it. In my head, a playdate with you and three other women would play out quite differently—’
‘Shep.’
‘Yep?’
‘What the hell were you thinking?’ I hiss at him.
He frowns, his voice rising as he lays out his defence. ‘What do you think I was thinking? You told me you don’t have any mates to hang out with—’
‘Shhh… keep your voice down, would you?’ I put my finger to my lips, still giving him the evil eye. ‘I don’t need the added humiliation of the whole audience hearing. It’s bad enough that you told Becca, Tess and Sal, and now they feel obliged to let me hang out with them again.’
‘They invited you to join them again?’ Shep looks delighted to hear this.
‘Yeah, but only because you told them I’m a Norma-no-mates.’
‘No, I didn’t. I admit, I did set that intro up, but only I knew what was really going on.’
‘So you didn’t tell them?’
‘I did not.’ He shrugs. ‘I made no mention of Norma-no-mates, pals-free-Paula… not even buddyless-Babs.’
‘One derogatory term to describe my situation is more than enough, thank you very much,’ I scold him, but I’m now finding it difficult not to smile.
‘You’re the one who started it. That’s not at all how I see you.’ He steps forward and gently takes me by the shoulders. ‘Look, all I wanted to do was help you in the same way you helped me. You told me you find it difficult to make new friends, so I created an opportunity for you.’
‘Yeah, well, I never asked you to.’ My eyes fall to the floor, the lightness I briefly felt already fading away.
‘Hey, come on.’ Shep lifts my chin with his finger. ‘I can see you’re uncomfortable about this, but there’s no need to be.’
‘Surely you’d feel the same if someone tried to manufacture a group of friends for you, because you couldn’t find your own.’
‘I guess. Or maybe I’d feel that way if someone had to take pity on me and offer me a room for free because I couldn’t afford to pay.’
I look up and into Shep’s shining green eyes, which are telling me something very specific.
‘Lea, we all have moments of vulnerability in life. Do you think I felt good about you taking me in?’
I shrug. ‘You seemed happy enough about it.’
‘Because I was desperate, and it meant I could stay here. But inside I was ashamed and felt inadequate – in the same way you do over your own situation. I wondered what you really thought of me and I was relieved when we got on so well. But then I made the mistake of thinking you liked me as much as I liked you, and—’
‘So you were going to kiss me that night in The Meadows!’ I’m almost triumphant in my declaration of this.
He gives me a puzzled look. ‘Um, yeah, but that’s not the point I was making. What I was gonna say was: when I felt like you hated the idea of me kissing you, because I was your charity-case lodger, I plummeted straight back to shame and inadequacy, just like you feel now.’
‘But you know now that wasn’t it at all, it was—’
‘That you just didn’t find me attractive, I know. I can’t hear that enough.’ He adopts a wounded expression, but in a way that lets me know he’s fine.
‘Sorry.’ I giggle. ‘I guess you were only trying to help, as you say.’
Shep rubs the backs of my hands tenderly with his thumbs then makes a show of seeking out eye contact with me.
‘Let me ask you two things: did you have fun with them? And do you think you would do so again?’
I nod. ‘Well, yeah, they seem like great girls. Though I’m not too sure about Sal.’
‘Yes, she’s more of an acquired taste, but Becca and Tess are dead on.’
‘I really liked them.’
‘Grand.’ He smiles at me. ‘Then ditch your pride and meet up with them again. And don’t let Sal put you off. I can be there with you to begin with if you like, until you’re comfortable going to meet them yourself.’
Digesting Shep’s words and the good intentions behind them, I realise he’s right. He’s doing nothing really that different to what I did for him, and I need to get over the embarrassment of it all. As he says, he’s created an opportunity for me, and now it’s up to me whether I make the most of it.
‘Thanks, Shep. You’re one thoughtful bugger and I’m lucky to have you around.’ I squeeze his hands and he draws me in for a make-up kiss of sorts (though we hadn’t really fallen out).
‘You’re welcome, sexy landlady. Now – and I mean this in the nicest way possible – can you get the hell out of my dressing room so I can start my show?’
After Shep’s show, we’re both on a bit of a high – especially with it being packed out again and the audience clearly loving it – so we decide to have a couple of drinks at the bar, while chatting to Kira and the other bar staff. It’s so lovely and companionable, sitting there enjoying the banter, like I’m part of the ‘in crowd’. That might sound a bit sad, but when you’ve been starved of social contact to the extent I have, an experience like this – especially on the back of meeting Becca, Tess and Sal earlier – makes me feel like I’ve won the friendship lottery. Not that I could call any of the people involved friends… other than Shep, who’s soared past the friend zone and secured himself a guaranteed spot in my bed every night. I mean it more symbolically than anything.
Unsurprisingly, Shep is the focus of everyone’s attention. Pumped up from yet another successful performance, he keeps everyone laughing with his quick-witted responses and his ability to rib them to the point they’re uncomfortable, but at the same time still craving his attention. Watching him in his element like that, I find him so attractive and I feel myself melt every time he gives me a look or squeezes my hand. We may be drinking, which obviously heightens everything, but one thing is becoming very clear to me: I definitely don’t want this to be a short-lived summer fling. I’m developing real feelings for him, which means I’m in danger of getting hurt – again.
‘You all right?’ Shep scrutinises my expression all of a sudden and I realise I’ve been staring at him while lost in my thoughts.
‘Fine.’ My cheeks colour in embarrassment. ‘Just… enjoying being here.’
‘I’m glad to hear it.’ He smiles at me, his cute dimples giving me all the feels, then takes my hand in his and gives it another of his affectionate squeezes. ‘I am too.’
Feeling the warmth of his skin against mine and those amazing eyes on me, I sense my mind being pulled in two different directions: caught between enjoying the intimacy of the moment, and thinking about how soon that hand will be gone, along with its owner. And how painful I already know it will be to say goodbye. But is that really where my focus should be? Giving myself an internal shake, I decide that the here and now is what I should be paying most attention to. If all I’m going to have are a few more weeks with Shep, then I need to make the most of them.