After our drink together – which was a far more pleasant experience than our lunchtime ruckus – Shep heads through to the back room to get prepped for his next performance and my parents head home. As it’s just us girls left, Tess suggests we go for a bite to eat before they head off to their scheduled evening show. She also has the idea to check if there are any tickets left for me to join them. It seems that luck is on my side, because I do manage to get what is literally the last available ticket at one of the pop-up booking offices.
Once that’s sorted, we head up the hill in search of somewhere to eat. The cobbled High Street is crammed to bursting point with street acts and meandering tourists taking up almost every square foot. In stark contrast to the heavily overcast sky, the atmosphere is vibrant – filled with laughter and smiles and whoops of joy. All this accompanied by the faint sound of bagpipes filtering through the air, no doubt coming from one of the city’s many buskers. Soaking it all in, I experience a sense of immense pride that this is where I live, alongside what I recognise to be a true sense of contentment. Being here like this, hanging out with three awesome girls, it’s a wonderful feeling. I’ve found my ‘crowd’ and now I feel at home in my own city again.
‘You good?’ Becca, who’s walking beside me, behind Tess and Sal, must have sensed my euphoric mood.
‘I’m… great.’ I smile at her, a bit overwhelmed all of a sudden. ‘Thank you so much for inviting me into your friendship group, Becca. You have no idea how much it means to me.’
‘You don’t need to thank us.’ Becca chummily links her arm through mine. ‘You’ve slotted right in. Almost as if it were fate.’
‘Oh, that’s sweet of you.’ I scrunch my nose, touched by this remark, while at the same time knowing full well that fate had nothing to do with it.
‘It’s almost as if you and Shep meeting was fate too,’ she says. ‘You’re such a sweet couple.’
‘Yeah, but for how long?’ I sigh and look to the sky, then a thought pops into my head and I lower my voice. ‘I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this, but whenever your collective exes are mentioned, you seem almost wistful… maybe even regretful? Your reaction is different to Tess’s and Sal’s.’
‘You’ve noticed that, huh?’ She touches her hair in what seems like a self-conscious way. ‘I guess I’m not as good at hiding it as I thought.’
‘Hiding what? You don’t have to tell me, but I’m a good listener. And I would never share with anyone else.’
‘I know you wouldn’t.’ She smiles at me and a warmth grows inside of me, as if a long-extinguished candle has been lit in my heart on finding a kindred spirit.
‘So, what’s your pain about, then?’ I ask. ‘You’ve listened to my man-related woes, now you need someone to listen to yours.’
‘There’s not much to say. Things were fine and then they got messy. The guys didn’t behave well, and we were right to end things with them. It’s just that Byron wasn’t the same as the other two. He got drawn into stuff he wasn’t comfortable with, and he only went along with them because he didn’t want to be cast out of the band. Sal has it all sewn up in her mind that they were as bad as each other, and she was the driver of our agreement never to go back, but…’ Becca tails off and it appears that she’s holding back from voicing what’s on her mind.
‘But you wanted to,’ I fill in for her. ‘You wanted to, but you went along with the pact, because you didn’t want to be alienated from your own friendship group. Just like Byron, really.’
‘Yes.’
I take her arm and guide her to a stop. ‘Becca, you should never feel pressured into doing anything you’re not comfortable with. That’s not how friendship works.’
‘I know. But nobody “pressured” me.’
‘I’d argue that they did, but in a more insidious way. Was Tess as into this idea as Sal?’
Becca shakes her head. ‘No, but she did seem happy enough to go along with it. She was so hurt by Kevin, I couldn’t stir up all that pain again. Plus, she and Sal are pretty tight, so I would have been the one left out in the cold, if you get what—’
‘There you both are.’ Tess appears out of nowhere and unwittingly steamrollers through our conversation. ‘This place is bonkers busy. Feels like we need a safety rope so we don’t lose each other.’
‘Are we eating or what?’ Sal appears behind Tess, looking hangry.
‘Yes, let’s eat,’ says Becca, and she mouths, ‘thank you,’ as the four of us set off again.
It’s a bit of a chore trying to find somewhere, but after a few unsuccessful tries, we manage to get a table in an American-style pizza place in the Grassmarket.
We enjoy some further chat about Shep’s show and I’m pleased to hear that both Tess and Becca rate it among the best they’ve been to. They also reassure me that Sal hasn’t had the best attention span during the other shows either, with the distraction generally being a hot guy sliding into her dating app DMs.
‘So, sue me,’ Sal responds, with a defensive shrug.
After we’ve munched our way through two shared portions of chicken wings, our pizzas are served. Tess and I waste no time in diving into our loaded cheesy slices with our fingers, while Sal and Becca opt to use a knife and fork.
‘I’ve been dying to ask, what happened when Shep met the folks?’ Tess imitates Shep’s angle on this from his show.
‘No, hold on…’ Sal raises a commanding hand. ‘I need caught up first. No one’s bothered to fill me in on what I missed the other night.’
What’s so irritating about this is that Sal doesn’t give two hoots about me or my situation with Shep. She’s just making this about her and how she perceives she’s been ‘wronged’ by not being kept in the loop.
‘Of course, sorry.’ I offer Tess an apologetic look and she waves me on. ‘On Thursday, Shep and I were in my flat… um…’
‘Getting it on,’ Tess supplies with a wink and what I consider to be unnecessary humping gestures with her arms.
‘Thank you, Tess.’ I colour and Becca giggles.
‘Anyway, we were… doing that, when the buzzer to my flat unexpectedly went…’
I fill Sal in on the whole story, including the agreement that my dad, mum, Shep and I would have lunch together today. Despite making a song and dance about being left out, Sal doesn’t seem amused or even that interested. This makes me feel quite uncomfortable, particularly as her eyes continually flit to her phone while I’m talking.
‘Isn’t that the funniest thing you’ve ever heard?’ Tess pounds the table in much the same way she did when I first told her, seemingly oblivious to Sal’s indifference. ‘So, tell us about the lunch, then. How did that go down?’
‘Only if you want to.’ Becca gives me a meaningful look.
‘Obviously she wants to,’ says Tess.
‘Perhaps, but Lea still gets to decide that herself.’
‘It’s OK, I’m happy to share.’ I reach across and clasp Becca’s hand appreciatively, catching Sal narrowing her eyes as I do, but not allowing her to put me off. ‘I’m feeling the need to get things off my chest, so I’m grateful to you ladies for letting me do that.’
I take a sip of my drink, then launch into an animated playback of our lunch, including how it didn’t feel like Shep was acting the whole time. Recounting it back, I’m tugged in all different directions emotionally. It’s a funny story, but it’s also super confusing for me. I do know that it was all a charade, I’m not kidding myself in that respect, but the way Shep looked at me and the way he talked to my parents about me really did seem to be at least partly genuine. I mean, unless he’s a seasoned actor as well as a comedian, surely there’s no way he could have played things up to the level he did – and so convincingly. If I’m right about that, could it mean that he’s feeling the same way about me as I do about him?
The girls listen with patience and interest (well, Sal appears to half-listen, which is as much as I can expect), and it’s clear they understand that I’m still working this through in my own head while I’m telling them about it.
‘…And that’s when I walked into the Old Town Inn and bumped into you,’ I eventually say with an air of finality. ‘That’s you all caught up.’
Unsurprisingly, Tess is first to jump in with her thoughts. ‘Your life seems to be one long comedy show, Lea.’
‘Tell me about it.’ I roll my eyes. ‘Though prior to Shep crash-landing in it, it was pretty empty and dull, so I’m not complaining.’
‘Oh, totally. You wanna know what I think?’
I nod a little too earnestly.
‘I think he’s smitten. There’s no way he could have pulled that off if he wasn’t totally into you.’
I am, of course, elated to hear this.
‘What do you think, Becca? She’s got a great read on people.’ Tess nods vehemently, as if agreeing with herself.
Becca looks thoughtful for a moment. ‘I think there’s no doubt Shep has real feelings for you. It’s even possible he’s falling for you – though I can’t say for sure, as you know, and I wouldn’t want to raise your hopes.’
‘I understand.’ I’m grateful for her openness and realistic outlook.
‘The things that keep floating through my mind are that he’s not from here and he’s pursuing a career in comedy. If he’s dead set on living his dream, which I’m sure you’d want him to, it could be that the timing just isn’t right for you both. I’m sorry, Lea, I know that’s not at all where you wanted me to go with this.’
‘It’s fine, Becca. I’m already hyper-aware of these issues myself. I guess the question for me is: do I put myself out there and tell him how I feel? Because if he feels the same and neither of us says anything, then this all ends when it needn’t have. But equally, if he’s not in the same place I am, it ends with my heart being broken, and probably any chance of us remaining friends – albeit at a distance – being lost.’
‘That is a tough one.’ Becca taps her fingernails on the table while giving me a sympathetic look. ‘I guess only you can decide. I suppose another question to ask yourself is: if you don’t say anything before he leaves, will you always regret it? Because regardless of which way things go, you’d at least have your answer.’
I rest my elbows on the table and puff out my cheeks. ‘That’s actually the biggest question, isn’t it? I expect the answer is that I would regret it.’
My mouth has become dry all of a sudden, so I take a good glug from my Sprite and my eyes land on Sal. Being brutally honest, I’m not sure I want her input, but if I don’t invite her to share her thoughts, there’s no question that she’ll make an issue of it.
‘What do you think, Sal?’
‘I’m not sure I should share what I think,’ she says to my surprise.
‘Oh, why’s that?’
‘Because I’m the one who’s going to tell you what you don’t want to hear.’
I blanch, then try to cover up this reaction. ‘OK, well, either way, I’d like to hear your opinion. I need to deal with this with my eyes wide open, so maybe that’s a good thing.’
I catch Becca and Tess sharing a look, but with my focus on Sal and my heart already in my mouth, I don’t give it too much thought.
‘Go on, hit me with it,’ I prompt her.
Sal puts down her knife and fork, and finishes chewing the piece of pizza she’s just popped in her mouth.
‘I think you should back the hell off.’
‘What?’ Becca, Tess and I all say in unison.
Sal lifts her chin defiantly. ‘The guy wants to make it big in comedy. If you put this on him, at the very least you’ll mess with his head and throw him off when his focus needs to be on his career. And worst case: you’ll distract him to the point he takes his eye off the ball and never makes it big. Do you want that on your conscience?’
There’s a stunned silence, while we all digest this.
‘Why… why do they all have to be negative outcomes?’ I ask eventually. ‘Why is there not a best case where I become his biggest fan and help him achieve his dream? I’ve already done that to some extent.’
‘Yeah, she has,’ Tess chips in to support me.
‘Seriously?’ Sal practically snorts with derision. ‘With the travel and the hours Shep will have to put in, that’s a pathetic fantasy that belongs in a Hollywood movie, but if you want to believe it’s a possibility then by all means.’ She gives a pompous wave of her hand as if she’s talking to a bunch of idiots.
‘Sal, come on.’ Becca’s now the one coming to my aid. ‘That seems a bit harsh.’
‘Harsh but true?’ Sal looks back at us with an obnoxious smirk.
‘Way harsh, regardless of whether there’s any truth to it.’ Tess stares at her, clearly appalled, as a deep discomfort rises within me.
‘Hey, it’s all right.’ I wave my hands in a bid to calm everyone down. ‘I did ask Sal for her opinion and she’s entitled to share that, even if it doesn’t feel good to hear it.’
‘Exactly.’ Sal shoots a scornful look at Tess and Becca rather than acknowledging me having her back, which she doesn’t at all deserve. ‘And I’m sorry, Lea, but if Shep wanted a long-term relationship with you, would he not just come out and say it? He’s not exactly shy. Also, from the sounds of things, he seems to have made it clear that him having lunch with your parents was just his way of returning a favour. Anything you read from it is likely to be out of your own desperation for a happy ending, not because it’s how things really are.’
This is the most I’ve ever heard from Sal in one go, and while I did defend her right to speak up, it really stings. So much so, that I can feel a lump of raw hurt gathering in my throat.
‘Sal, I know you’re entitled to your opinion, but there are some things you just don’t say out loud,’ Tess wades in once more. ‘And definitely not in the way you’ve said them.’
‘Maybe we should change the subject,’ I suggest, trying to keep my voice even. ‘You’ve all given me really helpful insights, so thank you. I don’t want to use up any more airtime on this.’
Glancing around my new friends’ stony faces with an appeasing smile, I feel horribly guilty that my personal drama has driven a wedge between them, so I move us onto a lighter topic and work hard to get the conversation going again. Despite what they’ve said about me now being one of their group – and the fact that Sal is the one in the wrong – I’m still the outsider here, and I don’t want to be the one to come between them.
Thankfully, they come around one by one and the conversation begins to flow again, meaning I’m eventually able to sit back and think over what was said. Between them, Tess and Becca pretty much gave me what I needed: positivity and reasons to be optimistic, but with a dollop of realism. If that was all that had been said, I probably would have gone home tonight ready to speak to Shep and accept whichever way things went. But Sal’s cruel words are echoing round my head, drowning out everything else. Because, much as they were delivered in a heartless way, there was some validity to her points.
Naturally, I’ve been looking at this from my own perspective. But is that what I should be doing? Shep hasn’t given any indication he’s looking for more, so what possible reason do I have to think he is? The weight of these questions is hard to bear, because it seems I’ve been trying to write our story in the way I’m hoping it will turn out, despite the fact that all the evidence is pointing in another direction entirely.