After the show, I say goodbye to the girls then head in the direction of George IV Bridge. I battle my way through the relentless flow of tourists and locals out for the evening – all of whom seem to be going in the opposite direction – and it’s only when I reach The Meadows that I get a sense of space around me, allowing me to think and breathe again.
The show was great, but I’d say – and I realise I might be biased – that Shep’s is better. What it did do, though, was provide a welcome temporary distraction after the brutal reality check that Sal unapologetically offered up. Now, making my way home alone, my body feels fit to burst from all the raw and conflicting emotions. I had considered messaging Shep – who, I expect, is perched at the bar, chatting to the staff in The Canongate Tavern – and maybe joining him. However, as soon as the claggy evening air hit my nostrils, I felt a nauseating churning in my gut, so I decided to head home and give us some space from each other. With only a week until the festival ends, it’s time I got used to being on my own again anyway.
I don’t know if it’s more psychological than anything else, but when I step through the main door to my building, the three flights of stairs feel steeper and more of a challenge than usual. Trudging up them, a sense of impending loss sets in further with every step; an emptiness that feels far greater than that of the weeks and months before Shep came into my life.
On reaching my flat, I kick off my sandals, and as I put my keys down on the hall table, I catch a glimpse of my troubled reflection in the mirror and sigh heavily.
‘I guess it’ll just be you and me again soon,’ I say to it with mournful eyes. ‘God, I’m going to miss him so much. What do I do? Do I tell him how I feel, or do I let him go?’
Turning away from the mirror, I almost jump out of my skin as the bathroom door suddenly opens and a smiling Shep emerges through it, with just a towel round his waist.
‘Does it ever talk back to you?’ he asks in place of a greeting.
‘Oh my God, Shep. You scared the life out of me. I thought you’d still be at The Canongate Tavern. You didn’t… You weren’t… um… listening, were you?’ My cheeks are blazing at the possibility he heard what I said.
‘Nah, your secrets are safe. All I heard was some incoherent mumbling. I was too busy thinking about what happened after my show.’
‘Oh?’ I cock my head with interest. ‘What happened after your show?’
‘Guess.’ His eyes flash mischievously.
‘Why do I have to guess? Can you not just tell me.’
‘Where’s the fun in that? Come on, take a guess.’
‘OK…’ I look to the ceiling in search of inspiration, really not wanting to play this game right now. ‘You got a huge donation in your bucket.’
‘Nope.’
‘You… found out you got another great review?’
‘Close. Guess again.’
‘Aww come on, just tell me.’ I suddenly feel utterly depleted.
He comes closer and slips his arms around my waist. ‘I was approached by a journalist from Showbiz Online. Said she’d been to the show a couple of times and wanted to do a feature on me as “one to watch” in the comedy world. She took my number and said she’d give me a call.’
‘Wow, really?’ I’m completely thrown by how unexpected this is. ‘Showbiz Online is massive. That’s… fantastic.’
‘Sure as shit, it is.’ Shep scoops me up and gives me a smacker of a kiss, clearly so elated at this turn of events that he fails to pick up on my rather muted reaction. ‘This is what I’ve been hoping for, Lea. It’s why I came to Edinburgh, as you know. I have a real chance at this.’
‘I’m so pleased for you,’ I say as he puts me down and beckons me to join him in the spare room while he gets changed.
I follow him and sit down on the bed.
‘This could be it, then. Your name in lights.’
He bobs his head indecisively. ‘I’m still a long way away from that, but it’s a big step forward.’
‘Of course it is.’ I pick some fluff from my jeggings, avoiding eye contact. ‘So where was this journalist from – like, geographically?’
‘London. Apparently, she has connections in some of the biggest agencies in the arts and culture sector. She said she might be able to get me a couple of intros.’
‘Intros for what?’ I ask, while Shep drops his towel and pulls on his underwear, and all I think about is how much I’m going to miss that body against mine.
‘Representation. Can you imagine it? Me having an agent… doing proper gigs?’
‘I really can.’
My eyes meet his, and to my horror, I feel them well up with tears. Quickly looking away, I try to hide this and the somewhat unjustified hurt I’m feeling. From the start, I knew this was how things would go. I knew Shep would move on – whether he got his big break or went home to Northern Ireland. I also knew that, when the time came, it was going to hurt. What I didn’t realise was that it would feel like having my insides ripped out.
‘Hey, are you OK?’ Shep seems to finally clock that I’m not myself and sits down beside me on the bed.
‘I’m… fine.’ I stammer, head turned away from him as I try to blink away the tears that are threatening to overflow.
‘You don’t seem fine.’ He reaches across and gently angles my face towards him. ‘You’re crying.’
‘They’re happy tears. I’m just… so delighted for you.’
‘Is that really what they are? They don’t look like happy tears. The misery in your face is sort of giving you away.’
‘Oh,’ is all I can manage in response to this.
‘Lea, what’s really going on? What’s the craic with you and the girls? Have you fallen out?’
‘What? No, they’re great. Really great. I’m glad I met them, so thank you.’ I decide there’s no way I’m bringing up the Sal thing when he’s on such a high.
Shep wipes away a tear that’s managed to escape down my cheek and looks at me with concern. ‘You’re welcome. So, if it’s not about them, then what is it? Because I don’t like to see you sad.’
I genuinely don’t know how to answer his question. How can I tell him that I’m basically crying over him? That I’m already grieving his departure, even though he’s not gone yet. How can I tell him that I think I’m falling for him and he might just be my person? Especially when the impact of that could be just as Sal so indiscreetly suggested. I can’t be responsible for Shep’s dreams not coming true. No matter how much I want to tell him everything in the hope he feels the same, I know that I can’t. I have to let him go.
‘They’re sad tears mixed in with happy tears.’ I shift my gaze to the floor so he can’t scrutinise my expression. ‘I’m over the moon for you, Shep, I really am. I guess it’s just hit home that you’ll be leaving soon, and… I’ve enjoyed having you around. In more ways than one.’ I give him a little nudge to keep the tone between us light.
He may be good at reading my emotions, but thankfully he can’t read my mind. All I need to do now is keep schtum and hold it together until he leaves – though I realise the latter may be difficult in practice.
There’s a short silence, during which I steal a glance at him, but I’m unable to read his expression.
‘Say something, would you,’ I complain. ‘I feel like a right wet blanket here.’
This spurs Shep into action. He puts a casual arm across my shoulders.
‘Aww, Lea, I’ve enjoyed it too. It’s been a blast. I almost wish I didn’t have to leave.’
Almost. I was almost someone worth staying for – but not quite.
‘I know you’ve enjoyed the company,’ Shep continues. ‘But you’ve got your girls now, so you won’t be alone anymore.’
‘That is true. Thanks to you.’
‘And we can keep in touch.’
‘Of course.’ I nod. ‘I’d like that.’
I actually don’t know how I feel about this suggestion – whether it might be too hard for me – but that’s not something I’m able to voice or even properly contemplate right now.
‘The sex has been dead on, eh?’ He gives me a boyish grin.
‘That, I can’t argue with.’ I grin back at him, aware that I need to lift the mood further to avoid things becoming awkward between us. ‘And we do have several days of that still ahead of us.’
‘Shall we make the most of it, then?’ He leans in, kissing me softly and suggestively.
I return his kiss, tentatively at first then more hungrily, fuelled by a deep longing to feel close to him. Then, as we melt into each other, I can’t help thinking that another week of this is only going to make our big goodbye all the more painful.
On Monday morning, I’m moping around the lab at work, trying to keep Shep out of my mind, when Tanya barges through the door, muttering to herself in an irritated fashion.
‘Good morning,’ I greet her with a curious half-smile. ‘Or is that a poor choice of words?’
She practically hurls her handbag onto the table in the middle of the room, then looks at me as if she’s only just noticed I’m there. ‘Lea, hi. My apologies, I’m just out of a finance meeting, and frankly, I’m a little off balance after it.’
‘It didn’t go well, then?’
‘The usual politics, as you can imagine, but that Tom has quite the nerve. I’ve never seen so much ruddy peacocking.’
Tanya shakes her head with a theatrical ‘humph’, then peers at me in much the same way she does when I tell her about a rogue result from our sampling.
‘You’re looking a little off balance yourself. Is everything all right?’
‘Oh, I’m… It’s nothing.’ Feeling as fragile as I currently do, my eyes instantly well up in what I’m counting as the fifth time since I embarrassed myself by crying in front of Shep the night before.
Tanya gestures for me to take a seat at the table, then sits down beside me. ‘What’s upset you? You can talk to me about anything, I hope you know that.’
‘I expect you can guess.’ I swipe away the tears that are now running down my cheeks.
‘Ciaran.’ She nods solemnly, hands me a tissue from her handbag, then her expression changes to one of concern. ‘I didn’t cause this, did I? With all my meddling on Saturday evening? John said I’d gone too far.’
I give a feeble laugh. ‘No, you didn’t cause this. You were a bit… overzealous, but I know it came from a good place. Ciaran… um… Shep has been approached by a high-profile journalist who wants to do a feature on him: one that will probably attract a lot of attention and potentially even secure him an agent. It’s incredible news, don’t get me wrong—’
‘But you think it will close the door for you and him.’
‘I don’t think it, I know it. He’s said he wants to “keep in touch” when he leaves.’
‘Ah.’ Tanya grimaces. ‘That is unfortunate.’
‘Yup.’ I exhale heavily and an involuntary sob escapes at the same time. ‘Sorry, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t be doing this at work.’
‘Nonsense, come here.’ Tanya puts her arm around me, drawing me into her in a motherly way, which gives me some comfort. ‘I’m sorry that things haven’t worked out for you. If I’d only kept my big mouth shut about giving him a chance in the first place—’
‘No, don’t say that. You meant well. You always mean well. And I’m not sorry I got involved with him, I’m just sad that I’m going to lose him.’
‘Yes, but perhaps I need to keep my nose out of some things. John certainly thinks so. Anyway, if I’m allowed to say – at the risk of overstepping again – I very much enjoyed our evening on Saturday.’
‘Me too.’ I sit up straight again and blow my nose. ‘It was a lot of fun. It’s just a shame we won’t be able to do it again.’
Tanya looks baffled. ‘Why ever not?’
‘Because, as of next week, I’m back to being single.’
‘Do you need a boyfriend for us to spend time together?’
I hesitate, unsure about what she’s actually asking. ‘Well, no, but… you know, that was a couples’ dinner party and I won’t be part of a couple.’
‘Lea, you have heard of the great British invention called the pub?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘Then how about we try one of those for size?’ She waggles her eyebrows at me. ‘Maybe a drink after work from time to time?’
‘Really? You’d be up for that? I assumed you wouldn’t, because you have family obligations and…’ I trail off, realising that what I was about to say is a bit inappropriate.
‘Because I’m old?’ Tanya finishes my sentence.
I snort. ‘No. Obviously not. But you are older… than me,’ I rush to add as I clock the look she gives me.
‘Would it ruin your “rep” to be seen out with me?’
‘Of course not. Why would you think that?’
‘Well, you have all those big nights out with your gal pals. Maybe you don’t want to get caught hanging out with a woman who’s halfway to retirement.’
On hearing this, I put my head in my hands and groan. Me and my stupid pride. Tanya is extending the hand of friendship to me – another new friendship, which I will gladly snap up – so the least I can do is come clean.
‘Tanya, there’s never been any “big nights out with my gal pals”.’
She frowns. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand.’
‘I think you assume I have a super busy social life because I’m young, but I don’t. All my friends from uni have moved away, and the only one who still lives here is knee-deep in nappies and baby puke on a daily basis. I’ve been… lonely… and ashamed, which is why I never corrected you when you made those assumptions. I’m sorry.’
There’s a short pause while Tanya takes this in, then she looks at me with such compassion that I start to cry again.
‘That’s why you’ve been working all these extra hours.’
‘Yes. It was better than sitting alone in my flat, watching endless boxsets. Or talking to myself in the mirror.’ I cringe at how that sounds. ‘To clarify, I don’t do a lot of that, it’s just—’
‘The odd comment.’
‘Yes.’ I stop dabbing at my eyes and look at her in surprise. ‘How did you know?’
She shrugs. ‘Because I do it too when no one’s around, which isn’t often in my home. Lea, I’m sorry to hear that’s the situation you’ve been in, and I’m also sorry that I was flippant and presumptuous. It came from a place of envy – I miss being young and free. Seems like we’ve both made inaccurate judgements about each other.’
‘Yeah, it seems so.’ I give a sheepish smile. ‘I have actually gained some new friends in the last couple of weeks, by the way. Thanks to Shep.’
‘I am very glad to hear that. Though, do you have room for one more?’
A sense of warmth spreads through me. ‘Definitely.’
‘Oh, good.’ She makes a show of sighing with relief. ‘Because if I don’t get some quality time away from my loveable but infuriating teenagers soon, I swear you’ll see my mugshot on Crimewatch.’