‘Shep?’ I’m so out of sorts, I don’t trust that what I’m seeing is actually real. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I’m hallucinating after what’s just happened.
‘Lea?’ His face mirrors my surprise. ‘Oh my God, are you OK?’
‘I’m… I don’t… know…’
‘Let’s get you out of here.’ He expertly slips his arm around me and hoists me up so that he’s taking most of my weight, then addresses the Spanish guy. ‘Thanks, mate. I know her, I’ll take it from here.’
My first rescuer and his friends don’t seem so keen on the idea of a complete stranger wading in and carting me off. They put up a bit of resistance, and at the point when I hear the word policía mentioned, I haltingly manage to reassure them that I know Shep, and I’m perfectly safe with him.
Shep more or less carries me to a shop doorway on the southerly part of the bridge, and gently lowers me onto the step there.
‘Are you hurt?’ He cups my face, while checking me for injuries.
‘No, I’m…’ I’m still panting hard, struggling to catch my breath.
‘I think you’re having a panic attack. Try and follow my breathing… in slowly through your nose… and slowly out again… in for one, two, three, four, five… and out for one, two, three, four, five…’
He continues to coach me through my episode until I’m calmer and more in control, and the tightness in my chest subsides.
‘Sorry about that.’ I struggle to make eye contact. ‘I’ve never experienced anything like that before.’
‘You have nothing to apologise for.’ He sits down beside me on the step. ‘Crowds like that can be daunting at the best of times, never mind when you end up under them.’
Deciding I’m not ready to share that being knocked over wasn’t what triggered this reaction, I simply nod in response.
‘Where are the girls?’ Shep asks. ‘Did you get separated from them or something?’
‘Eh… no.’
I shrink into myself, and Shep immediately twigs.
‘You’re on your own. Why, Lea?’
Because you buggered off, I want to shout at him all of a sudden, not liking being under the microscope.
‘There’s no way Becca, Tess and Sal would miss the fireworks,’ he says, when I don’t offer anything up. ‘It’s the perfect way to end their comedy-show marathon, which means…’ He scrutinises my face, and – still very vulnerable after my ordeal – I decide I can’t take this any longer.
‘It means what it means,’ I snap at him. ‘I’m here alone. Poor “loner chick” Lea is back to having no friends.’
‘But, why? What’s gone on to cause this?’
‘Shep, I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s not really any concern of yours anymore, is it?’ I get up from the step, still feeling incredibly shaky, but not wanting to let him see this. ‘Thanks for helping me there. I think I’ll head home.’
‘Wait.’ He gets to his feet and grabs my arm, then releases it the moment my reproving eyes land on him.
I exhale wearily. ‘What is it, Shep? What do you want?’
For a moment, it’s as if time stands still. My breathing becomes laboured again, this time in anticipation of what he’s going to say. His gaze is intense, and despite my impatience, I’m hypnotised, unable to look away.
‘You,’ he murmurs after what feels like an unbearable wait. ‘I want you.’
The moment he says this, the fireworks from the castle start exploding like missiles in the sky and, although I know that I should give him a really hard time, any sense of self-control immediately escapes me. I throw myself on him, while he wraps his arms around me and returns my kiss with such urgency, it might be wise for the two of us to get a room.
We remain locked in this embrace for a good minute before reason kicks in and I pull back suddenly. ‘What do you mean, you want me? Is it just for sex? No, don’t answer that. Can we watch the fireworks first?’
If it is just for sex, I at least want half an hour of enjoying this experience with him and feeling like there’s a possibility of something else – though that ‘something else’ would have to include a grovelling apology, among other things.
Shep gives a bemused look and shrugs. ‘Fireworks it is, then. Though are you sure you’re up to going back over there?’
‘I’ll cope.’ I grab his hand and practically drag him back through the crowd to the middle of the bridge.
Once we find a spot where we have a good enough view of the pyrotechnics, we ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at the multitude of booming explosions and the spectacularly choreographed bursts of colours in the sky. Shep slips his arms around my waist from behind and holds me tight, while resting his head on my shoulder. He’s so close I can feel his warm breath on my cheek, and despite not yet having any answers or reassurances, all I can think about is how much I want this feeling to last forever.
Once the fireworks have finished and people are dispersing, I wriggle out of Shep’s grasp and turn to face him with an earnest expression.
‘OK, now we can talk.’
‘Sure, but I vote for not doing it here. How about we grab a pint? Somewhere other than The Canongate Tavern or the Old Town Inn,’ he adds quickly.
‘Sounds good to me.’
We find a quiet(ish) bar near the junction of Chambers Street and South Bridge, and I slide into one of their high-backed booths by the window, while Shep goes to order our drinks.
As soon as my bum hits the seat, my brain switches into overdrive. What the hell just happened? How can it be that only hours ago I thought I’d never see Shep again, and now I’m sitting here waiting for him to join me?
More importantly, what did Shep mean when he said he wants me? Did he just mean it in a sexual way or is it more than that? He made it clear before that, to him, our summer fling was nothing more than a physical and very temporary thing. And regardless of the answer to that question, do I even want to get involved with him again after he hurt me so badly?
Watching him lean on the bar, chatting away easily to the barman, I feel a deep longing for us to be together again – despite his previously unacceptable behaviour. But I know it’s not that simple. If Shep just wants to reunite for the next day or so, before he heads home to Northern Ireland, then I’m not sure I want or can cope with that. The idea of losing him all over again is just too painful. I may have abandoned all sense of rationality before on North Bridge, but I now need to override all that chemistry and primal biological functioning, and approach this with my head firmly in charge.
‘You look deep in thought.’ Shep grins at me while handing me a glass of white wine, then slips into the seat opposite.
‘A lot has happened in the last hour.’ I return his broad smile with a more tentative one. ‘Thanks for this.’
‘No bother. It’s great to see you.’
‘You too.’
Come on, Lea, I chide myself. You can do better than that.
Pursing my lips, I’m about to ask Shep what this is, when he fills the silence between us.
‘Tell me what happened with the girls. Something’s obviously gone on.’
I hesitate. This is the last thing I want to discuss right now, when there’s a gigantic unanswered question sitting on the table between us.
I don’t know if it’s a sudden rush of courage or simply an overpowering need to know what’s going on, but I decide I’ve had enough of waiting. Sitting back in my seat, I fold my arms and fix Shep with a stare.
‘No. I don’t want to sit here and tell you how everything went to shit with the girls, when you and I haven’t yet discussed why everything went to shit between us. Or what you meant when you told me on the bridge that you want me. Don’t mess with my head, Shep.’
His easy-going expression crumbles and I glimpse some of the same anguish I saw in his face the day he left my flat.
‘You’re right.’ He drums his fingers on the table, betraying his obvious discomfort. ‘We need to wade through all that first. I was concerned to see you on your own again, that’s all.’
‘Which I appreciate, but depending on where this conversation goes, that may or may not be any of your concern.’
‘Battle lines are firmly drawn, then.’ He chuckles, then straightens his face when he sees my eyes narrow. ‘Sorry, wrong time for humour.’ He pauses and clears his throat. ‘Lea, I was bang out of order the other day.’
‘Yeah, you were.’ I keep my tone stern to hammer this home.
‘I know, and believe me, I’ve been pretty ashamed of myself. I’d been taken down a peg or two, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was doubting myself and whether I was good enough.’
‘And you were doubting me.’
He winces. ‘I know. I wasn’t really, though. You have to know that. Comedy is all I’ve ever wanted to do and I thought my big chance was over. But that wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t about you at all. I just couldn’t face the reality of the situation, and that sent me into a spiral of dread for what I’d be facing from my family when I went home a failure.’
I shake my head in rejection of his self-criticism. ‘Shep, one bad show doesn’t make you a failure, regardless of what some jumped-up tosser writes in an online article. Look what you’ve achieved.’
‘I know, I know.’ He holds his hands up in acceptance of what I’m saying. ‘I was being a daft prick. All you were trying to do was offer me something positive to hold on to – and I was so unfair to you.’
‘No arguments from me on that.’ I raise an eyebrow and sip at my wine morosely.
‘After I left yours, I went to the pub and Kira offered me her couch for the remainder of my time here, so I could at least see my shows through to the end. Not sure that was the moving-in present her girlfriend had envisaged.’ Shep pauses again to sup from his pint, eyes still on mine. ‘I’ve spent a lot of hours lying awake on that damn thing, thinking about how badly I messed up.’
‘With me or with your show?’
‘With you.’
He shifts his focus to his glass, rotating it slowly on the spot, which tells me he’s uncomfortable about what he’s about to say next. Holding my breath, I wait for him to continue.
‘When you and I got together, Lea, I had no intention of taking things beyond the end of this month, and I assumed you were in the same frame of mind. I guess you must have been at first?’
I simply shrug in acceptance of this.
‘So, yeah, that was how I was expecting things to pan out,’ he says. ‘But then I found myself wanting to spend every free moment with you, hanging on your every word, feeling stuff that I hadn’t felt for a woman in a long time – if ever.’
‘You did?’ My eyes widen with surprise. ‘You hid that well. I mean, there were times when I thought I saw a glimmer of something there, but then it would be gone, like that.’ I click my fingers to emphasise my point.
He looks sheepish all of a sudden. ‘It wasn’t part of the plan to get involved with you. I wanted to succeed with my stand-up so badly, and I thought the only way to achieve that was to do it alone. I’m not surprised you were confused. I was too. I was in a battle between my heart and my head. Then, when I got that bad review, I felt I’d taken my eye off the ball and I lost perspective. I’m so sorry.’
Shep hangs his head ashamedly, which tugs at my heartstrings something awful. While I’m still bruised from those poorly judged actions on his part, I now at least understand what was going on with him. He’s as imperfect a human as I am – as every other person on this planet is. What I still don’t have, though, is the full picture, and until that’s laid bare, I’m not offering up my olive branch.
‘So where are you now?’ I prompt him. ‘Why are we here?’
He lifts his head. ‘Well, for starters, despite the dent to my self-confidence, the rest of my shows went like clockwork – I guess that’s the benefit of having delivered the same set so many times. I also did hear from that journalist in the end.’
‘Oh, that’s fantastic, Shep!’ I can’t help but light up on hearing this. ‘I’m so delighted for you. Your name really is going to be in lights.’ I hold out my glass and he clinks it with his.
‘That certainly seems like something of a possibility now, though I can’t get ahead of myself.’ He sighs deeply. ‘I wish you’d been there. Everything turned around and you know what was taking up the most room in my head?’
‘How you could now go and tell your family where to stick it?’
He laughs. ‘No. It was you.’ His eyes lock onto mine, that familiar electricity sparking between us once more. ‘How all I wanted to do was share those incredible moments with you. And how I missed you to the point it actually physically hurt.’
‘You did?’ My skin prickles with anticipation, making it very difficult to continue giving him a hard time.
‘Totally. It made me realise that I don’t want to be telling the story of any success I have in the future, without you being a part of it.’ He holds my gaze, causing my pulse to quicken, while my insides feel like they’re going through a spin cycle.
‘When you say “a part”…?’ I trail off, encouraging him to elaborate.
‘I mean I want you by my side through it all. As my girlfriend, my partner… whatever label you want to use.’
Realising that I’m being sucked in too quickly by our overpowering chemistry, I remind myself that I shouldn’t forgive and forget too easily. I deserve better than all the shitty relationships I was in before I met Shep. And while I do believe this one would be different, I need to make sure that he knows there won’t be a ‘round three’.
I clear my throat and sit up straight in my seat. ‘What makes you think you deserve another chance?’
He seems unsurprised by this question, but I can also tell he’s taking it seriously.
‘I don’t think I deserve it. I would never act in such an entitled way. I can only hope you’ll see how sincere my apology is and trust that what happened at your flat was totally out of character for me.’
‘And you’re sure about this? About wanting to be with me? Because I don’t want to hold you back, nor do I want you to resent me if things don’t go how you hope. I can’t be with you if there’s any chance of that.’
‘Oh, I’m sure. Lea, you lift me up. You believed in me when my own family didn’t, and you gave me back my big opportunity when I thought I’d lost it. You’re intelligent, beautiful – literally, the best person I’ve ever met. And you’re top-notch in bed.’
I let out an amused snort at this.
‘Seriously, though,’ he continues. ‘I might not have known you long, but I already know that you’re the sidekick I need in all this, and I want to be that person for you, too. Will you please forgive me and give me the chance to do that?’
My eyes are welling up and my throat is choked from Shep’s wonderful words – I’ve heard all I need to hear.
‘OK, I forgive you. But to be clear, I won’t be so understanding if it happens again, whatever your reasons might be.’
‘Got it.’ He gives me a lopsided grin, which I return, then a thought comes to me.
‘So, us being together and living in different cities… How will that work?’
‘I figured you’d ask that.’ He pulls out his phone, looks something up and hands it to me. ‘Edinburgh is expensive, but I think I can afford this if I can get a job with flexible hours to work around any gigs I pick up.’
I look at the advert for a room rental on the screen and my jaw drops in surprise. ‘You’re going to move here?’
‘I am. It’s better connected than Northern Ireland, and if things go the way I hope, I’ll be travelling around the UK a bit.’
‘Would London not be better for that? I expected you’d want to go there.’
Shep shakes his head. ‘London’s too big and too expensive. Plus, you’re not there.’
I’m completely stunned by all this. The most I had expected, if things were to go in the direction I’d hoped, was for us to try things long-distance. This is a whole other deck of cards.
Studying the listing for a moment, taking in the dinginess of the property from the photos, a thought brews in my mind, and I hand his phone back to him. ‘It looks all right, but I don’t think it’s for you.’
‘You don’t?’
‘Nah. Lucky for you, though, I know a sexy landlady with a spare room for rent.’
‘Really?’ Shep’s face lights up with an impish grin.
‘Really.’ I mirror him in return. ‘Only if that doesn’t make you uncomfortable. It’s not us moving in together, we can do the actual flatmate thing. You can pay me a small amount in rent, move your stuff across from Northern Ireland into the spare room – and if we think it’s better for our relationship, it can just be a temporary thing until you get on your feet financially. Unless you think that’s a terrible idea?’
‘What I think is that I’ve just hit the jackpot. Although… what about your folks? Will your da not go back into sniper mode if he finds out we’re living together – even as flatmates? Also…’ Shep gulps, ‘…with the way I treated you, haven’t I already blown my chances with him? He said I’d only get one.’
‘Good thing I didn’t tell him, then.’ I waggle my eyebrows at him and he puts a hand to his chest in relief. ‘Just you leave my dad to me. He seems to have accepted you, so I’ll warm him up to it.’
‘Lea, you are…’ Shep climbs out of his side of the booth and slides in beside me without finishing his sentence. Then he leans in and kisses me with such intensity, I feel like I might take off.
When we eventually break apart, we gaze at each other, our happiness and relief at being back together radiating from us like heat from the sun.
‘Thank you for giving me another chance.’ Shep gently takes my hands in his and squeezes them affectionately. ‘I am one lucky bastard. Now, how about you tell me what happened with the girls?’