THE world around me slowed down as I tried to process Parker’s words and their meaning. I remembered feeling helpless once before, to the point of thinking this had to be a bad joke. My parents’ deaths had evoked the very same feeling two decades ago. I couldn’t cope with losing someone I loved again.
“Jeff, stop holding your breath for Christ’s sake!” I heard Parker muttering while he forced me to sit on the edge of the bed.
The world suddenly snapped back into focus and I became aware of myself trembling and panting. I felt sick, utterly sick. Waves of nausea rolled through me while my thoughts and feelings were all over the place.
Sometime later, wheezing and shaking, I realized I was slightly bent over with my forehead resting against Parker’s chest. Parker’s hands clasped the back of my head, occasionally mumbling something I couldn’t decipher. Surprised, I detected I held onto Parker tightly. Once I noticed this, I forced myself to loosen the grip I had on him. Parker responded immediately by letting go of my head. I could barely look at him when I apologized. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out on you.”
“He’s young, he’ll get through it. I just didn’t want you to go to him without knowing what to expect, you know?”
I nodded. “Thank you. I….”
My voice broke. I hid my face behind my palms and tried to compose myself. I hadn’t felt this shattered since my parents died. Only this time it felt even worse.
Parker pressed a hanky in my hands and rested a hand on my shoulder. He urged me up and got me moving toward the door. “Sorry to appear like an ass but you have to pull yourself together if you don’t want the other guys, and especially Williams, to become suspicious. Your hero-act already raised enough eyebrows.”
“Shit!” I exclaimed. “I still have to go and see him, Parker.”
“I know. Come on.”
I THOUGHT Parker’s words had prepared me for what I’d see in the ICU. God, was I ever wrong.
Alex seemed so incredibly small and fragile in the hospital bed, his complexion only slightly darker than the sheets. That alone would have put the fear of God in me. The various lines sticking in his veins plus the thick tube in his throat had me trembling and teary-eyed in an instant. The guy in the bed? That wasn’t the lively, sometimes cocky, sometimes downright sexy young man I had fallen for.
I walked into his room, forcing myself to approach his bedside. I had seen other people lying in hospital beds, looking far worse than him. Yet it had never touched me like it did now. Something cold and hard clamped around my heart, tightening fiercely until it bordered on being unbearable. It hurt like all hell.
Willing myself to breathe through the pain, I wondered whether I should risk sitting down on his bed or not. Cautiously I sat, all the while keeping an eye out for any sign of discomfort from Alex. None came.
He lay there, completely still. Only his chest heaved up and down in a regular pattern. That, at least, should have been a positive, but all I could think of was how would he be when he woke up? Would he remember what happened? In the movies, the injured party always suffered from amnesia. I had never met anyone who didn’t regain their memory, but I couldn’t stop myself from worrying about the consequences of the cardiac arrest.
Parker’s hand on my shoulder startled me. Dry-mouthed and with a highly accelerated heart rate, I growled, “Geez, Parker! Giving me a heart attack after almost drowning is seriously not your brightest idea.”
I received an eye roll of epic proportions. In a hushed voice he said, “Our time in here is almost up and you haven’t talked to him yet. You might want to use your time better.”
I blinked and cleared my throat. “Just to clarify… you want me to talk to him? As you can see, he’s sleeping.”
“They sedated him so he wouldn’t fight the tube. I thought it was common knowledge that people register what’s been said to them even while they’re sleeping. Of course, I’d understand if someone like you doesn’t want an audience when you go all gushy.”
I refrained from asking why he emphasized the “you” so much. After all, he had a reason, maybe even two, to be pissed off at me. I gave a curt nod. “I’d appreciate it if I could talk to him alone.”
Parker left without saying another word. Which gave me a few more minutes with Alex, who would surely know what to say to someone in his position. I didn’t.
I sat there in silence and cataloged every tiny detail of his face. The chapped lips around the thick tube; his long, thick lashes covering those beautiful eyes of his; the tousled blond locks framing his face.
My hands shook slightly when I reached out and tucked a stray lock behind his ear. I brushed another one from his forehead only to watch it fall back at the very same place seconds later. The next time, I twirled the lock around my finger before I tucked it away. Alex showed no reaction at all.
“Alex,” I whispered, “oh, Alex. I’m so sorry. This shouldn’t have happened.”
I stared at him for some time before I went on in a deliberately light tone, “See? I didn’t even scold you because you didn’t stay at home where nothing would have happened. Nothing at all.”
I rubbed my hands over my face while I choked on a sob. Taking in a deep breath, I added, “Sorry, that wasn’t very nice, huh? What is it called? Passive-aggressive behavior or something like that. All right, tell you what, I’m angry you didn’t listen and we’re here now. You almost died today, Alex. You scared the living hell out of me!”
Wringing my hands in my lap, I forced myself to continue. “However, I can’t really express how very, very grateful I am that you’re alive. So very, very much.”
The door opened and a nurse stuck her head into the room. “Sir? You have to leave now. You may come back in the morning.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to crawl into bed next to him and hold him all night long. I spared a brief moment to wonder how that would go over. Laboriously, I rose from the bed and pulled Alex’s blanket up higher.
“Shouldn’t you make sure he’s kept warm?” I snapped.
“That’s what I intend to do as soon as you’re gone, sir,” the nurse replied politely. I wished she had snapped back. At least I would have had an excuse for being angry with her.
On impulse, I bent over and pressed a kiss onto Alex’s forehead. While I carded my hands through his hair, I whispered, “Make sure to rest and get better. I’ll wait for you.”
For a split second I wanted to add those three little words that could mean the world. The nurse took the decision out of my hands by hustling me out of the room. I couldn’t decide whether to be grateful about it or not.
PARKER and I rode the elevator when another thought struck me. “What about Sean?”
Parker cringed visibly. I grabbed his left arm and pulled until he faced me. “Parker! What about Sean?”
“He’s here and he’s alive.”
“But?”
Evasively, he answered, “I don’t know much more.”
“Parker,” I all but growled, “I’m not in the mood to pry information from you. How about you tell me what you know directly?”
“How about you stop playing hero so you wouldn’t have to beg me to give you information?”
“I am sorry, I told you already. Repeatedly. What do you want from me? Should I crawl on my knees and beg you for your forgiveness? What am I supposed to do so you stop snapping at me each time I open my mouth?”
Parker snorted and shook his head. “As tempting as the image of you crawling on your knees is, I’m not that kinky.”
I insisted, “You would have done the same if it was David.” When Parker gazed at me doubtfully, I added, “Yes, you would. I know you that well.”
“You would have chewed me out as well.”
“Definitely.”
“Oh, all right. Sean is in the children’s ward. They called his physician and cleared his medical history. I believe his physician, Dr.…,” Parker trailed off as he flipped open a small notebook and searched for a certain page. When he found it, he said, “Dr. Larvis came over shortly after Sean’s admittance and examined him as well. So far, they hope he only suffered shock and some bruises.”
That didn’t sound bad. On the contrary, it sounded pretty much unbelievable. I frowned. “And?”
“And that’s the obvious damage they could find. The future will have to show how the lack of oxygen affects him and his abilities.”
Goosebumps rose on my skin as I nodded in understanding. I didn’t want to think of the might-be-consequences of his dive into the ocean. Neither did I want to imagine Alex’s reaction to the news. My imagination supplied me with various pictures and scenes nonetheless.
“I remember one of the medics saying that Chandler stayed with him. Who’s there now?”
“I don’t know the name but there is a cop positioned outside his room. Williams doesn’t want to take any chances. A news helicopter began filming from the time you pulled him to the shore and it was big news on TV tonight. You’ll probably get a medal for that stupid stunt.”
We walked out of the elevator into the lobby. I stopped midway and turned around. “I should probably—”
“You should definitely get your ass into your bed in your own apartment.”
“I—”
“Jeff! They are both sleeping; you’ll be more helpful when you come back tomorrow morning, well-rested.”
“Do you seriously believe this shit you’re telling me?” I asked.
“No, but it seems to work in movies and TV shows.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ll go up and have a look at Sean. Maybe I can convince someone to put a cot in his or Alex’s room. Or maybe they could put them into one room?”
A sudden bout of busyness replaced the underlying feeling of helplessness. As long as I had something to do I didn’t need to think about stuff… and people and what the hell they and their well-being meant to me.
I was already on my way back toward the elevator with Parker hissing and spitting when someone else appeared next to me. To my surprise, that someone snatched my wrist and told me to stop. Peering at a dark-haired man, slightly taller than me, I frowned. “Excuse me?”
“David,” I heard Parker sighing in relief. Apologetically, he added, “I was on my way home.”
“I know. Since you had a busy and rather eventful day, I thought it best to come and get you.”
What this had to do with my person totally eluded me. I held up my still captured wrist and said as much. “I think you’re holding onto the wrong guy’s hand.”
The piercing stare I received unintentionally caused me to take a step back. Parker sure had gotten involved with an impressive man. Wide-shouldered and very obviously well-muscled at all the right places, he didn’t fit the images I had of college professors. Especially not of those who taught English literature.
“Parker wouldn’t come home until he got you home safely, and I don’t think you should be on your own tonight.”
“I’m fine,” I replied, mostly on autopilot.
“You’re not fine and I want Parker to get some sleep, which he won’t get if you stay uncooperative.”
“Uncooperative?” I sputtered. “I’m not holding him back, so leave me the hell alone.”
Parker turned around and started breathing exercises. I found myself involuntarily stumbling toward David when he pulled sharply at my wrist. We stood there, barely two inches apart, with me looking aghast. My mouth ran off before I really thought about what I was saying. “Are you sure he’s a teacher?”
Parker turned big, startled eyes at me, but his usual ability to run his mouth seemed to have vanished. David chimed in with a chuckle. “Yes, I am a teacher and yes, I do know how to handle cranky people. Even if it has to happen in a physical way. You,” he pointed at me, “are not up to win a fight against me tonight.”
He started to get on my nerves. I was about to voice this thought when Parker interrupted me by resting a hand on my shoulder. He whispered, “Please do not tell him how annoying you find him right now.”
“Why not? And why are we whispering like two frightened little boys in front of an angry headmaster?” I hissed.
“I’m not going to answer that now.”
“But you will later?”
“Maybe.”
“That’s enough.” David’s voice caused us both to jump guiltily. Highly embarrassing considering we’re both cops.
Bracing myself, I said, “I really appreciate your concern, but I have to go and look after someone here. Have a good night.”
“No, you’re not. I understand you want to be with your lover, but from what I understand, you’re not even outed at work. Let’s not dare mention the fact you’re seeing someone who’s involved in a case you’re working on. Shall I go on?”
He spoke to me quietly while I remained frozen to the spot. Ending his little speech with this arrogant question opened the lid on a big barrel of fury within me. “The only thing you shall do is get the fuck out of my way.”
“Jeff….”
“No!” I swirled around to face Parker. Not an easy undertaking considering David still held my wrist. “You! How could you tell him?”
“I had to! I—”
“No, you didn’t. Now tell your gorilla to let go of me!”
Parker had no chance to reply. David’s eyes blazed when he addressed me. “I won’t take offense at you calling me names because I know what a day you’ve had and how worried you must be. However, you shouldn’t be found in Alex’s room. You’ll have your hands full with explaining why you kissed him.”
Parker shook his head whereas I said stupidly, “No one but you and Parker know about Alex and me.”
David let go of my hand, and his face softened as he said, “No, we’re not the only ones. Everyone who watched the local news tonight knows about you. A news helicopter filmed most of the rescue. They got you kissing Alex on tape. There cannot be any doubt about your relationship with him when you’ve seen the pictures.” Softly, he added, “Come stay with us for the night.”