Lokni watched Brandon as he left. If she had known what to say, she would have responded. But her mind drew a blank. No man—not her father, not her first husband, and certainly not Orson or his friends—had talked to her in such a tender way. She was used to being a possession, something to be used at a man’s convenience. Her father had bartered her and her sisters to their first husband. Her first husband had seen her as a means to have his children. Orson and his friends saw her as a slave to do whatever they wished.
But Brandon didn’t treat her like those things. He treated her like her thoughts and feelings mattered. It was such a drastic change that she wasn’t sure what to do about it. She should probably be glad for it. She wanted to enjoy it. The truth was, though, it scared her. She didn’t know what it meant. Not for her. Not for her son. Not for Brandon. Not for any of them.
Maybe if she’d grown up with at least one male who was like Brandon, she’d be able to make sense of the conflicting feelings inside of her. Part of her still longed for independence. To be her own person. To control her own destiny. Then there was another part—one unfamiliar to her—that wanted to stay with Brandon and see where things were going.
Fortunately, her son started crying, and she was relieved from having to mull over her feelings. She hurried over to him and took care of him. One thing she liked most about being in town was the ease with which she could now change his soiled diapers. If she and Brandon hadn’t stayed by the river on their way here, she wouldn’t have been able to wash his cloth diapers every time she needed to change him. This way, she could take them to the laundry and have the people there do it. Not that she minded washing them herself, but she did welcome the reprieve.
After she nursed him, she returned to the clothing and finished separating out the items that were thicker than the others. She thought it might make things easier for the people who were going to wash their things if she did this in advance.
Brandon returned just as she finished with the task. To her surprise, he brought in a baby blanket and a wooden toy. He shook the toy and it made a drum sound. “It’s called a willow rattle,” he told her.
He went over to the boy who was in the bassinet and smiled at him. He shook the rattle, and Lokni thought the sound it made fit the name very well.
Curious, Lokni went over to him and looked down at her son, who was watching Brandon with interest. Brandon handed the rattle to him, and the boy took the thin handle, shook it a couple of times, and then dropped it.
She chuckled as Brandon picked it up.
“I think he’ll appreciate it more when he gets older,” Brandon told her. “The woman who made it said he can use the handle to help soothe the pain in his mouth when his teeth come in.”
“In my tribe, we had an ointment for that,” she replied. “We would rub it on the baby’s gums.”
Brandon gave her the rattle. “You can decide when he’s old enough to appreciate this.”
“Thank you. It’s a nice gift.”
“Well, he’s my son, too. I mean, I know I didn’t father him in the traditional sense, but I’m his father through marriage.” He turned his gaze back to her son. “This little boy brings so much hope. It’s like a new chance at life. A chance to do things right.”
He held out his finger to her baby. The child reached out and grabbed his finger.
He chuckled. “He’s stronger than he looks.”
She examined her son’s expression and noted that he was focused on Brandon. Her son seemed to like him. He had no reason not to. Brandon was a kind man, and he had been gentle with her son. She trusted Brandon with him. She’d let Brandon take care of him while she had washed their clothes or if she needed to tend to more personal concerns. She just hadn’t expected to realize that her son had already developed an attachment to him. Likewise, Brandon seemed to have developed an attachment to her child.
And this complicated things. It wasn’t just her who would be impacted by her decisions. She had to think about her son and what was best for him. She turned the rattle over in her hand for a moment before she put it in her sack. Did she have to stay with Brandon because of her son? Was it worth giving up her dream of being independent so the two could stay together?
Brandon turned to her. “Mrs. Samson, the owner of the laundry, said we can bring our things in whenever we want. She said since we have nothing else to wear and our things are few, she would get to our wash right away. Will you be here so the woman can deliver them tomorrow afternoon?”
“Yes, I’ll be here.”
Which meant she would be staying in this room for the night. Not that she had planned to run off tonight. Her first concern had been whether or not she could find employment in this town. But since she was going to stay in this room with him tonight, what did that mean? Up to now, he hadn’t insisted she satisfy his more basic needs. She figured he hadn’t been interested in her because she’d been with child. After that, she’d given birth, so she had to take time to heal from it. She had fully healed by this time, and she wondered if he might take this opportunity to make his move.
He gathered all the clothes and glanced over at her, as if he felt the weight of her gaze on him. “The bedding will take longer. We might wait a week for your blankets and my bedroll, but we won’t need those things until we’re back on the trail. While we’re here, we’ll share the bed.”
Share the bed.
She wished she knew exactly what he meant by that. Her gaze went back to her son. Would the fact that there was a baby in the room stop him from trying something? She couldn’t refuse him. If a man wanted to use her, she had no power to stop him. She’d never had any power to stop any of them. She’d had no choice but to do whatever they had wanted. It was one of the reasons why she wanted her independence so badly. Then she didn’t have to keep soiling her body.
Brandon stood up, and with everything in his arms, she could barely even see his face. “Are you ready?”
For some reason, seeing him hidden behind so many items made her chuckle, and this helped to relax her. Since he had to carry so much, she hurried to pick up her son so they could leave. The last thing she wanted was for him to drop something and try to retrieve it.
She hadn’t been out in the town since they’d gotten the room, and while they walked down the street, she realized the town wasn’t quite as small as she’d first thought. It was probably twice the size of the one they’d left behind. There was also a good amount of activity through the main street.
As she followed Brandon, she scanned the faces of the people. About sixty percent of them were white, but the others shared her complexion. Not everyone wore clothes similar to what Brandon and she were wearing, either. Quite a few wore the kinds of clothing she’d been used to seeing in her tribe or other tribes.
Upon further inspection, she realized there were a few couples who were paired up like her and Brandon. White and Indian. No wonder no one had given them any strange looks when they’d arrived here. They were used to seeing mixed couples together. It was a way of life in this place.
“You weren’t lying when you said you had a lot for me to wash,” came a woman’s voice.
Lokni turned her attention to the woman and almost bumped into Brandon. He had come to a sudden stop. Lokni stepped around him and saw a white woman who was holding a door open. Lokni glanced inside the doorway and saw divided groups of clothing and blankets on one side of the room that needed washing. On the other side—on a table—were clothes and blankets neatly folded and ready to return to their owners.
The old woman waved him toward the piles of items on the floor. “You can put those over there. I’ll separate them out and make sure the clothes are ready tomorrow.” She glanced at Lokni as he placed the clothes and blankets in a vacant space along the floor. With a smile at Lokni and the baby, she added, “I hope you don’t mind if I don’t deliver the clothes until after three. The woman who was helping me got married, so she no longer works here. For a town this size, two people are needed for this job.”
Lokni’s ears perked up. “Do you make a good living doing this?”
“It’s enough to provide for everything I need,” Mrs. Samson replied. “The other woman was able to provide for her needs, too, but I’m glad she finally found a husband. I still miss my own husband. Mr. Samson went to be with the Lord nine years ago,” she hurried to add. “Every woman should know the love of a good man. I don’t mind at all that she left. I’m just hoping another worker comes by soon. If you two happen to talk to someone who wants a job, tell them I’d be happy to talk to them.”
“We’ll do that,” Brandon said.
Lokni bit her tongue so she wouldn’t say anything. It was tempting to ask Mrs. Samson more about the job. This was a golden opportunity. Something like this might never come up again. She could wash clothes and bedding. She had done that all of her life. While she and Brandon were on the way to this town, she’d done most of the wash. Brandon did some to help her out, especially right after the birth of her son. But for the most part, he had hunted and cooked while she washed. So she had the experience.
Lokni released her breath. They would be here for two to three weeks. She had time to decide if working here and staying in this town would be the best thing for her and her son. She didn’t have to make a decision today.
“I’ll pay you at the end of the week when I get my wages,” Brandon told Mrs. Samson.
Lokni brought her attention back to them.
“That will be fine,” Mrs. Samson replied. “You two take care of yourselves.”
“We will.” Brandon opened the door and looked expectantly at Lokni.
Lokni offered Mrs. Samson a smile to thank her for washing their things and then left the small building with Brandon at her side.
***
Lokni held off on going to bed for as long as she could. Her child provided a good reason for delaying the inevitable, and Brandon hadn’t voiced a protest, which further helped. Brandon went to bed long before she did, making sure he left her enough room so she could get in next to him when she was ready to join him.
Except she wasn’t ready. And she didn’t think she ever would be. This made the prospect of working with Mrs. Samson all the more appealing. She would never have to get in bed with another man for as long as she lived. It was just a matter of time before Brandon expected her to fulfill her wifely duties to him. Even if Brandon was the nicest man she’d ever come across, he was just as prone to sexual desire as the others had been. All men wanted sex. Some, like Brandon, could wait longer than others, but sooner or later, they would require it, especially from the woman they were married to.
As she rocked her sleeping child, she thought over what Mrs. Samson had said about her husband. Mrs. Samson missed having him in her life. There was no denying the sincerity in her voice as she’d mentioned him.
Lokni had never encountered a woman who thought marriage was a good thing. Growing up, it’d been seen as a way to have children with a man who had an admirable history of strength and valor. The idea was that those children would also be strong and courageous.
The notion of love was such a foreign one that Lokni still didn’t know why Mrs. Samson missed her husband—or why she was excited that the woman she used to work with got married.
Lokni’s eyelids grew heavy, and her head fell forward. Unaware she’d almost drifted off to sleep, she bolted up in the chair. In her arms, her boy wiggled against her but remained asleep.
She glanced at the bed. At least Brandon was asleep. That would allow her some time of lying next to him without worrying about being groped or fondled in uncomfortable ways. If she thought she could sleep in the chair, she’d do it. But she never could sleep sitting up. With a sigh, she set the baby in the bassinet.
She really needed to give him a name. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would figure out the right kind of name to give him.
As for tonight…
Well, she might as well get it over with. If he was anything like the others, one time in the evening would be enough. Then she could relax.
She slipped into the bed, doing her best not to make any noise or move the thin mattress. Once she got settled into a position that allowed her to turn her back to him, she held her breath and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
It took her a good ten minutes to realize he was still asleep. Deeply so, in fact, since his breaths were long and deep. She exhaled. Good. For now, at least, she was spared any unpleasantness.
She closed her eyes, and without realizing it, she soon fell asleep.