The journey back home passed in awkward silence, Lucy didn’t feel in a particularly talkative mood and found herself being quite short with Alex. Her head was spinning in confusion and she rued the day that she had found the ring, wishing for the bliss of ignorance.
They got back to the flat and set about unpacking their bags, an almost palpable atmosphere of tension brewing in the room. It was as if they were trying to avoid making eye contact with each other, making only brief conversation about menial things such as where the cleaner might have hidden the remote, or what they might eat for dinner. Lucy couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. She couldn’t marry this concern with her knowledge about the engagement ring: it was as if something didn’t quite add up. She tried to tell herself not to worry, but deep within her bones an unshakeable feeling of foreboding brewed. Trying to put on a brave face, she offered to cook for him. She decided she would make his favourite, bangers and mash with onion gravy.
On the way to the local shop, she rang Claudia.
‘Any news?!’ Claudia answered on the first ring. ‘I’ve been waiting by the phone!’
‘Nothing,’ said Lucy. ‘I wish I’d never found that bloody ring.’
‘How strange! I was sure he would do it on holiday. Maybe he thinks that’s too obvious? That it wouldn’t be a big enough surprise?’ suggested Claudia.
‘Mmmm, maybe,’ said Lucy. ‘I just don’t know what to think.’
‘Everyone gets engaged on holiday, I’m sure he is planning something much more romantic,’ said Claudia. ‘I’ve got a friend who came home from work to find the flat filled with roses and her boyfriend down on one knee! That could be you!’
‘You never know!’ said Lucy, hoping that Claudia might be right.
‘Ah damn, I’ve got to go… Dan’s calling me and I’m late – we’re having dinner with his parents. And I haven’t even heard about the holiday yet…’ said Claudia.
‘I’m seeing you on Wednesday, don’t worry. I’ll fill you in on everything then,’ said Lucy.
‘Oh yes. Okay, bye! See you Wednesday!’ said Claudia as she hung up the phone.
The next day Alex and Lucy both returned to work, plunging straight back into the deep end. Lucy managed to find the time to share her holiday photos with Lettie and Simon, glossing over the low points and painting a fabulous picture of holiday bliss for them both. She didn’t want to disappoint their romantic notions of Lucy and Alex as the ideal couple and was hugely relieved that she hadn’t told them anything about finding the ring.
She had dinner with Claudia on Wednesday, having seen very little of Alex on Monday and Tuesday night; he had been working late again. She decided to voice her concerns to her oldest friend as they sat eating noodles out of cartons, Claudia’s speciality. She was unable to put her finger on exactly why she was feeling uneasy but she was desperate to talk through the situation to try and work out what was going on inside her head. She also hoped that Claudia might be able to shed some light on Alex’s increasingly withdrawn behaviour, his usual mood swings seemed to have got even worse. She thought perhaps Dan might have shared some insights that could explain his behaviour, but Claudia was unable to help. She shrugged it off, saying that all relationships went through good patches and bad patches, and that he was probably just really busy at work and unable to separate his work stress from his home life.
‘Anyway’, Claudia said, ‘things can’t be that bad between you two or he wouldn’t have bought you a bloody diamond ring! Would he?’
Lucy agreed, smiling at her friend and changing the subject to talk about work, laughing at Claudia’s hilarious stories. Lucy loved nothing more than listening to her chatter on and on, a perfect distraction from her thoughts, which she was finding it increasingly hard to escape from.
That weekend, Alex and Lucy were supposed to be going to stay with her cousin, Jo, and her husband Matt. Alex hadn’t met them yet, and they had tried so often to get a date in the diary to meet that Lucy had begun to feel embarrassed at the amount of times they had had to say no. At long last they had finally managed to pin down a date, and Jo had been emailing excitedly all week with plans about what they were going to do that weekend. Matt was a farm manager and they had been given a lovely cottage on the estate. Jo worked as a teaching assistant in a local school and had fully embraced life in the country, even owning her own pigs and chickens. She was dying to show them around and to get to know Alex at long last.
On Friday morning Lucy received a phone call from Alex. She assumed that he was calling to make a plan about what time train they were going to aim for, and pressed the green button saying, ‘Hi!’
‘Hi Luce, how are things?’ he asked.
‘Fine thanks, you? Good day?’ she replied.
‘Busy. Look, Lucy, I hate to say this but this weekend is not looking good for me. I think I’m going to have to pull out of going to your cousin’s.’
Lucy’s heart dropped to the floor. ‘What?’ she said. ‘We’ve had this in the diary for such a long time, you can’t pull out now. God, poor Jo…’
‘Lucy, it’s not exactly as if I am doing this on purpose,’ Alex said frostily. ‘I have a tough job, and sometimes I have to prioritize work over pleasure. You probably wouldn’t understand.’
‘Don’t patronize me, Alex, of course I understand. It’s just that I hate letting people down. Jo has been so excited about meeting you; we’ve had to put them off so many times before. She’s going to think something is wrong with us if we carry on like this.’
‘If you carry on like this then there might well be something wrong,’ Alex said acerbically.
‘I’m not trying to have a go, Alex. I’m just disappointed. I’m the one who is going to have to phone her and explain after all,’ complained Lucy. ‘And I was looking forward to spending the weekend with you too.’
‘We’ve just spent a whole week together, so there’s no need for you to use that as a reason.’
‘Look, arguing is not getting us anywhere. It’s fine. You stay in London and work, I’ll phone Jo and apologize that you won’t be able to make it.’
‘Fine,’ Alex said, then after a pause he added, ‘I’m sorry it’s worked out this way, but that’s life, I’m afraid.’
‘Thanks for the apology,’ Lucy said, sarcasm dripping from her voice as she hung up the phone. She wasn’t sure if he had even heard her. She wanted to scream with annoyance. Salty tears sprang unwelcome into her eyes. God he was so infuriating when he was like this. She had a sneaking suspicion that he didn’t have to stay and work, he just couldn’t be bothered to go and spend the weekend with Jo and Matt. He would probably just do some emailing on his BlackBerry whilst sitting on the sofa watching Game of Thrones. But she couldn’t exactly prove her suspicions, unless she cut short her weekend and came back to surprise him. She doubted that would go down well with Jo, either.
Gritting her teeth in frustration, she scrolled through her contacts until she found Jo’s number. Pressing the dial button, she made the call, apologizing profusely on behalf of Alex, exaggerating about this enormous case that he had on at the moment and lying about how upset he had been to have to cancel. Jo, as always, was so sweet and understanding but Lucy could hear the disappointment in her voice.
Hanging up the phone, Lucy spent the rest of the morning ploughing through her work with flagging spirits, her emotions on a roller coaster from anger to sadness as she thought about their argument. To make matters worse she had been invited to go to a working lunch with Jack and another colleague, Sharon, to discuss ideas for a new social enterprise project that was in the early days of development. Lucy had been asked along because of her previous experience in the field and she had been looking forward to being involved in something more meaningful than her usual commercial projects but Alex’s phone call had put a dampener on everything.
Despite her initial lack of enthusiasm the meeting turned out to be a very productive session. The three of them soon found that they were bouncing ideas off each other at the rate of knots. The creative energy lifted her spirits and gave her a much-needed boost. After lunch Sharon had to dash off, leaving Lucy and Jack to finish their coffees and settle up.
‘That was really good,’ said Jack. ‘You have some great ideas.’
‘So do you! It sounds like quite an exciting project,’ agreed Lucy.
‘So how are things with you?’ he asked, leaning back in his seat and fiddling with his napkin. He turned to look at her and she was struck with that familiar feeling deep in the pit of her stomach. It was always the same; when he gave her his complete attention, she felt a nervous energy pulse through her, it almost made her feel uncomfortable.
Realizing she hadn’t answered him, she cleared her throat. She suddenly felt like crying, the emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks had left her reeling. She felt like a boat that had become detached from its mooring. The clear path she had seen herself on had disappeared. She didn’t know what to think or how to feel. She just felt lost. ‘I’m okay,’ she said but before she could stop herself, her eyes had welled up with tears.
‘Lucy, what’s wrong?’ asked Jack. He moved slightly closer to her.
She shook her head, cross with herself for not being able to control her emotions better.
‘It’s nothing,’ said Lucy. ‘I’m just overtired.’ He reached out and put his arm around her shoulders. It felt so natural, she did nothing to stop him. In fact, it felt nice to have someone paying her attention, to feel the warmth of physical contact. It had been a while since Alex had bothered.
‘Is there something upsetting you at work?’ he asked.
Lucy shook her head. ‘No, it’s not that. It’s nothing to do with work… I’m sorry, it’s nothing really. And I definitely don’t want to bore you with it.’
‘You’re not boring me, I promise. If you want to talk, tell me.’
‘I’m just having a few… personal problems,’ she said quietly, dabbing at her eyes with the corner of a napkin. She didn’t want to go into any details but felt she had to offer some explanation for her inappropriately timed tears.
‘Relationships can be tough,’ he said. He had rightly assumed that she was talking about Alex.
‘I know… they really can be.’ When she looked at him, she could see that he was talking from his own experience.
‘To tell you the truth… and please, don’t go spreading this around the office… my wife and I have decided to take a break from each other for a while. She’s got the kids and I’m staying at my brother’s while we try and figure things out.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that,’ said Lucy, genuinely moved for him.
‘We’ve talked a lot and we both feel like maybe the time has come for a change,’ he explained. ‘She thinks that we’re stuck in a rut and we need some time apart to re-evaluate.’
‘My goodness, you poor thing.’
They sat in quiet contemplation for a few moments, lost in their thoughts. Lucy was slightly taken aback by this sudden revelation. After a while she said, ‘Do you think any relationships actually last the distance?’ It seemed to her that most were doomed to failure. She clung to the thought of her parents’ long and happy marriage as evidence that it was, in fact, possible. Thank god for them.
‘I’m afraid I’m the wrong person to ask,’ he said with a deep sigh. ‘Look, I’m sure things will get better soon,’ said Jack. ‘But if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. Just remember that.’ He tucked a curl of hair behind her ear and ran his thumb down the side of her cheek, just as he had done that night in the bar. A shiver ran down her spine.
‘Thanks Jack,’ she said. She reached over and hugged him, squeezing him tightly. He was so warm and comforting. She didn’t want to let go. Neither of them broke contact with the other. They sat like that for a few minutes. Jack rubbed her back softly and she could hear him breathe in deeply. As they parted he leant closer and kissed her gently just on the corner of her mouth. Her heart looped the loop and she had to use all her willpower not to turn her lips up to his and kiss him properly, partly to spite Alex and partly because Jack was so irresistibly handsome. But she knew it was pointless. He was a great guy, despite his dubious loyalty to his wife, and she had to admit it felt wonderful to know the effect that she had on him, but she could never go there. It wouldn’t be right. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze and smiled at him, then reached for her bag.
‘I’d better get back to work, I’ve got a few things left to do before the weekend finally arrives,’ she said.
‘I’ll settle up here and see you back at the office,’ said Jack. ‘I’ve got a couple of calls to make. Have a good weekend. Remember, if you ever need to talk…’
‘Thanks Jack,’ she said.
As she walked back to the office, her hand traced the corner of her mouth where he had kissed her.
Later on that evening as she sat around the fire sipping red wine with Matt and Jo in their cosy, ramshackle cottage in Hampshire, she envied their easy, happy relationship. She wondered if she and Alex would ever reach that comfortable stage acquired by so many years together, and hoped and prayed that things would get better between them. She kept her phone on vibrate in her pocket, half expecting it to buzz with an apologetic text from Alex like he would have done in the past after they had had an argument. But there were no texts, no calls.
On Saturday the three of them went for a long walk in the New Forest, the tall trees towering over their heads, whispering in the wind. Lucy was mesmerized by the wild ponies that roamed across the downs; the whole place had a mystical feel to it. In the evening they went to the local pub, The Frog and Forget-me-not, to sample their famous steak and ale pies. Afterwards, a local band began to play, and they stayed to listen to the live music, chatting with some of Jo and Matt’s friends from the village. Lucy found she was really enjoying herself, forgetting all about Alex and getting quite tipsy on pints of the local cider.
The next day she got the train back to London after a scrumptious roast chicken prepared by Matt, her tummy full of good food and feeling as though the country air had blasted the cobwebs of London right out of her lungs.
As she let herself into the flat, she found Alex on the sofa, as predicted, watching an episode of Game of Thrones. He pressed pause as she came in, asking her a few cursory questions about her weekend, but she found herself unwilling to go into detail about what he had missed out on. She kept her answers short, went into the bedroom and unpacked; she didn’t ask him about work or what he had been up to.
The next week passed in a blur of meetings, another pitch for a big campaign was on the horizon for Lucy, this time for a new brand of kitchen roll that was being launched. At the same time she was working on the new social enterprise project that Jack and Sharon were leading, so any spare time she might have had had disappeared. Alex and Lucy passed like ships in the night; she was working later and later as the pitch drew nearer, pulling the usual all-nighters as the deadline approached. Her feelings of unease grew but she slammed them to the side of her mind, focusing on work and ignoring the unspoken truth that was dawning on her, that something was really, very wrong. As soon as the pitch was over she decided that she would confront him that weekend, knowing that she couldn’t put it off any longer. They needed to talk.
That Saturday morning Alex volunteered to go to the shops to buy some supplies for the weekend. While he was gone Lucy sat on the sofa trying to summon up the courage to confront him, suddenly feeling sick. Her stomach was literally churning with unease. She was so fed up with this deep, innate sense of disquiet that had been lurking within her for weeks and before she knew it tears had begun to roll slowly down her cheeks. She didn’t even wipe them away. She knew she should busy herself with some task that might help snap her out of this mood but she couldn’t summon the energy. She just sat there and let the tears fall, swollen with a sense of foreboding.
She was still sitting there when Alex got back an hour or so later, plonking the shopping bags on the kitchen table and asking her what time she wanted to eat. When he realized that she hadn’t answered he turned to face her. Noticing her tears, Alex visibly paled. He came over to her and sat next to her on the sofa, saying, ‘Luce, what is it?’ and putting his arm around her.
Taking a deep breath and turning to face him, she whispered, ‘Something’s wrong, isn’t it Alex? Something is wrong between us…’ Alex didn’t move, he just sat there, holding her hand quietly. ‘Talk to me, Alex, please. I can’t bear this silence any longer. You are always pussyfooting around me, avoiding any meaningful conversation, working all the bloody time. What is going on?’ she said, feeling her voice tremble as she spoke.
Alex sat still for a long time, looking at his hand holding hers. He took a deep breath and slowly began to nod his head, ‘I think you might be right, Luce.’
The second she heard those words she knew that the fears she had barely allowed herself to contemplate, were somehow, unthinkably true. A sense of total and utter panic rose up her throat; she felt the sense of security and happiness that had wrapped around her like a safety blanket for the last year slip through her fingers.
‘I didn’t know how to bring it up, what with the holiday and everything. It seemed so cruel.’ He looked at her with eyes pleading for forgiveness. ‘I don’t know what to say,’ he said. ‘Things have been really hard recently, you must admit. I feel like we’ve been growing apart.’
She couldn’t believe her ears. Suddenly furious, she shouted, ‘NO!’ her voice hoarse with bitter despair. ‘You cannot do this to me, Alex. No, no, no… you can’t.’ Her body felt completely numb with shock, panic rose up her throat, choking her. ‘What the hell do you mean, growing apart?’ Lucy shouted, hating him for lying to her, misleading her when he was feeling like this. She felt as though he had given up without even the slightest fight. Surely their relationship meant more to him than that?
‘I can’t really explain it, Luce. Maybe it’s me. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, trying so hard to make it work between us, trying so hard to see a future. And I did, I swear. I really did, for the first six months of our relationship I couldn’t get enough of you. I loved you so much… I was sure that it was forever.’
‘You loved me so much? You’re telling me that you don’t even love me anymore?! Well thanks a lot for being so kind as to let me know,’ Lucy shouted bitterly. ‘What a pathetic fool you must think I am.’
‘No, Lucy, you don’t understand. I do love you. I do. Of course I do. Look at me,’ Alex said, his eyes full of tears, his brow creased in deep, anguished furrows. ‘Do I look like this is easy for me? Can’t you see how upset I am to hurt you?’
‘If you really do love me Alex then why are you telling me you don’t see a future for us?’ she said, hot tears dampening her cheeks.
‘I just don’t know if it’s enough,’ he said quietly. ‘I don’t love you enough.’
Those words were the final nails that hammered into her heart; she broke down into hysterical sobs, her whole body shaking. He tried to put his arms around her but she shrugged him off. He tried again and she hit him, shoving and pushing him away from her with all her strength.
‘Just get off me!’ she wailed.
He kept on apologizing over and over again but there was nothing he could do to comfort her. She kept repeating ‘No!’ She felt totally unable to accept what he had said. The happy future she had dreamt of, the children they would have had together, everything she had waited her whole life for; it was all dissolving before her eyes.
Suddenly remembering the ring, she lifted her head, still staring directly at the wall in front of her; she wiped her tears from her cheeks and whispered, ‘The ring.’
‘What?’ Alex said.
‘I found the ring… I was clearing out the cupboard, the golf bag… I thought you were going to propose. The whole time we were in Sicily I kept thinking, any minute now.’ Shaking her head in disbelief, she slowly turned to face him, she felt nauseous to see the look of guilt and pity on his face. ‘How could you? Look at what you’ve done to me!’ she cried, her eyes were so swollen she could barely see out of them.
‘I did buy a ring, Luce,’ Alex admitted. ‘ I bought it a couple of months ago. It’s been sitting there, burning a massive hole in my conscience, ever since. I thought that I was just freaking out, that I was nervous of making the final commitment, of actually getting married. I knew how much you wanted it, how much our families wanted it, our friends. I thought I was just too chicken to go through with it and that I needed to man up. I tried to do it, Luce, I promise, but when it came down to it, I just knew it wouldn’t be fair on you. You deserve someone who has no doubts; you deserve someone who can make you totally happy.’
‘But you do make me happy. That’s the problem,’ Lucy said, her throat burning with emotion, her heart breaking into tiny pieces. ‘I chose you. I love you. I want to marry you…’
‘I know you do. I’m so sorry, Luce, it’s just not right. I can’t do it. I just can’t…’ he trailed off, unable to say anything more. There was nothing left to say, just pain. Pain like Lucy had never known, never even imagined possible. It was as if someone had ripped out her heart. Stabbing pains were ripping through her, that feeling of dread, of your worst nightmare coming true in front of your very eyes. She was utterly powerless.
‘What will I do?’ she whispered, her voice barely audible, her body trembling.
He stood up, pulling her to her feet as she sobbed, muttering, ‘Oh Lucy, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,’ as he wrapped his arms around her.
Too weak to protest, Lucy rested her cheek on his chest, so familiar to her, so dear and precious. The thought of not being able to do this anymore was unthinkable. She could smell that delicious smell of him and wanted to hang on to this moment forever, the feeling of protection he gave her when she was in his arms, it was bittersweet. They stayed like that for a long time, she didn’t know how long.
Eventually, Alex said that he would go, that he would spend the night at Dan and Claudia’s. Lucy couldn’t even bring herself to speak; she just nodded her head, numb. She couldn’t imagine Claudia’s reaction when he turned up; the thought of telling her friends was too much. She just wanted the ground to open and swallow her. There was no way she could get through this.
She watched him gather a bag of his stuff; he took his phone from the kitchen counter and his house keys, leaving the untouched bags of shopping on the table.
He came over to her and kissed her one last time, on the lips, saying ‘I’m sorry.’
Suddenly overcome with a rising tide of blind panic she cried, ‘Don’t do it, Alex. Change your mind. We love each other, we can get through this, I know we can!’ She was desperate to stop this from happening, to stop him from leaving her. She had to stop him from going out that door. If he went, there would be no going back.
Shaking his head, he said, ‘I can’t, Lucy. I can’t do it.’
‘Please!’ she cried. ‘Please don’t go. We can get through this, I’ll change. We can work it out, I promise.’
‘I’m sorry.’ he said. ‘I know it’s terrible, I know how much you must hate me. I just hope that one day you will be able to forgive me. I’m sorry I couldn’t make this work.’ His eyes were so full of emotion, so honest, that she knew that he was finding this just as hard as she was, that the last thing on earth he would ever want to do was hurt her. But that somehow made it worse. If only he had done something bad, cheated on her, anything, then maybe she could hate him, but she didn’t.
Slowly unfurling her fingers as they grasped his hand, he let her hand drop from his, his cheeks wet with tears. Turning and picking up his bag, he left, closing the front door behind him. Lucy stood there for a long time, staring at the door in utter disbelief at what had just happened. Without making a sound, she turned off her phone, shut all the curtains and got into bed. She didn’t even have the energy to take off her clothes. Completely overcome with raw grief, she cried and cried, moaning and wailing like an animal in pain. Every part of her body ached with sorrow. Finally, in the early hours of the morning; she fell into a fitful sleep.