Lucy didn’t move from her bed for the whole of the next day. She threw the covers over her head, burying herself under the duvet, unable to accept the new reality that faced her. The thought of people finding out, the pity and the disbelief that her friends would feel for her made her stomach churn. How could this have happened to her? She just didn’t understand how life could be so unfair. Her eyes stung from the tears that she had shed; her pillow was damp with them.
She switched on her mobile, seeing a myriad of messages from Claudia, including several voicemails, but nothing from Alex. Her heart fell. Turning over, she closed her eyes and tried to slip back to sleep.
At midday she woke, forgetting for a moment where she was and what had happened. She sat up and looked in confusion at the drawn curtains, the clock showing 12.00. She turned to look for Alex before suddenly remembering what had happened, the reality slamming into her like a ton of bricks. There was nothing but an empty void where he should be. Unable to bear it, she grabbed her phone and typed him a frantic message, begging him to come back, telling him how much she loved him; that he was wrong, they were meant for each other, she knew it. She told him that she couldn’t imagine her life without him. Pressing send, she prayed and prayed that he was sitting somewhere, at this moment, thinking exactly the same thoughts: that he had realized he had made a massive mistake; that this message would finally break his resolve and he would come running back to her, begging for forgiveness. She allowed her imagination to run with this idea, pictured opening the door, letting him into her arms and holding him. She simply couldn’t face the alternative: that she would never hold him again; that he would never make love to her, kiss her, tell her how much he loved her; that there would be no more lie-ins, breakfasts in bed, adventures; that it was all over, as though it had never even begun.
Her phone beeped in her hand and she hurried to open the message.
I’m sorry. I can’t. A x
She let out a cry of grief and threw her phone against the wall, tears once again rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t know where they were coming from, it seemed like she had an endless supply of them. She retreated once more into her bed, closing her eyes tight, wishing that all she had to do was shut her eyes to disappear from sight, like a small child playing hide-and-seek. She just wanted to fade away.
That evening as she sat on the sofa wrapped in her cashmere throw, still wearing her pyjamas, Lucy heard a gentle knocking on the door.
‘Luce?’ called Claudia softly. ‘Are you there? Please let me in, I’m so worried about you.’
Knowing that she wouldn’t go away until she saw her, Lucy stumbled over to the door and opened it to let her friend in.
Claudia took one look at her and said, ‘Oh Luce, you poor thing,’ before wrapping her in her arms for an enormous hug, prompting a new flurry of tears and sobs. She led her back over to the sofa, opened the curtains and the window to let some fresh air into the flat, turned on the lamps and took a bottle of red wine out of her bag. ‘First, you need a drink,’ said Claudia, getting two glasses out of the cupboard and pouring them one each. ‘Right, now tell me everything,’ she demanded.
Before Lucy could start she had to ask, ‘How is he?’
‘Pretty devastated, to tell you the truth. The bastard,’ said Claudia through gritted teeth. She was clearly furious on behalf of her oldest friend.
Lucy proceeded to tell her what had happened, taking her time, pausing to catch her breath between juddering sobs. She explained about the holiday, the ring, his doubts, the whole sorry story.
They drank the bottle of wine and opened another one. Claudia cooked Lucy some pasta using some of the ingredients that Alex had bought the day before. She forced Lucy to eat at least a few mouthfuls, having not eaten anything all day, telling her that she needed to keep her strength up. Before she left she said, ‘Look, Luce. We both know that this is going to be a totally shit time. You are going to have to grieve for this relationship, go through all the stages as if you are in mourning. But you will be okay. I promise you that. You will get through this; I’ll be there every step of the way. Leave work to me, I’ll call Lettie and Simon, I’ll talk to your boss. You need to get the hell away from here. Go to Cornwall, Ginny will look after you. Alex can get his stuff while you’re gone. When you feel stronger, you’ll come back and you’ll start over.’
Lucy nodded blankly, she knew that Claudia was right, but she couldn’t imagine how it was going to happen. She would go back to Cornwall though. She knew that was the best place for her to be right now. One thing was for sure, she couldn’t stay here, in their house.