Midway through June, Alex sent Lucy a message telling her that he had moved his stuff out of the house and posted the keys through the letter box on his way out. She dreaded returning to the empty flat, knowing that it would feel eerily quiet without his presence, that it would be so painfully obvious where the gaps were in the cupboards and drawers. Fortunately, Cornwall was so breathtakingly beautiful in the summer months; it truly worked wonders for the soul. It was as though all the rugged wilderness of the coastline, combined with the crashing power of the waves, had a healing effect on her. She would sit on the little stone bench at the top of the hill above the golf course and look down at the estuary, mesmerized by the give and pull of the tide, the waves rolling in constantly, hypnotically.
She continued to find out more about single parenting. The more she found out the more empowered she felt. She started running again, building up her strength. She felt like the faster she ran, the more she could distance herself from Alex, as if she could get rid of him, bit by bit, through her own sweat and tears, exorcizing him from her system. By the end of June she felt ready to return to London, strong enough to deal with work and the empty flat, full of determination to move on, and pleased with her progress so far. She was still overcome by frequent bouts of painful, harrowing sorrow, but they were becoming less frequent as she slowly learnt to live with her new reality.
She gave Gus and Ginny a hug at Bodmin Parkway, thanking them from the bottom of her heart for being there when she needed them most and promising to call if she had any low moments. She watched them drive off in their Land Rover, Tiggy resting both paws on the rear windscreen as if waving goodbye. Gathering her bags, she collected her ticket from the ticket machine and made her way to the platform to wait for her train.
As the train rumbled out of the station and made its way through the sun-drenched fields, she remembered making the same journey with Alex the previous summer. The emotions that she thought she had done such a good job of repressing bubbled to the surface once again. She tried to look ahead and think positively. This was a new phase in her life. She told herself to be strong, that she would be okay by herself, that she didn’t need him or anyone else.
Having made her way through Paddington station and the throng of commuters that were heading out of the city, she descended into the underground, rummaging in her bag for her Oyster card, which hadn’t been used for quite some time. It felt good to be back in the hustle and bustle of the city. She had relished the peace and quiet of Cornwall during those weeks of rest and recuperation, but there was something incredibly satisfying about the hubbub of city life. She felt like a tiny, insignificant cog in an ever-changing machine, and that anonymity reassured her. She knew that her decisions and her life were of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. It was a thought that gave her a healthy dose of perspective, an antidote to any self-pity that she might have been feeling, and she drew strength from the knowledge that whatever she might be going through, there were always people who were coping with worse.
She emerged from the tube and soaked in the familiar sites of Baron’s Court as she made her way home, noticing the small changes that the onset of summer had brought with it, the new roadworks and building developments that had sprung up while she had been away. She decided to go straight home so that she could dump her suitcase before heading to the shops to restock her fridge.
Her resolve began to wobble as she approached Mayfield Road and she braced herself as she opened the front door and climbed the stairs to her flat. She unlocked the green door, noticing that the paint was peeling slightly near the lock and making a mental note to do something about it. As she pushed open the door she was struck by the slightly musty, stale smell of an unoccupied house. It looked a little sad and neglected, and she felt bad for having abandoned her home. Lucy turned on the lights, dumped her bag on the floor and scanned her eyes around the flat. It felt surprisingly normal, as though the absence of Alex and his belongings was barely noticeable. The flat had been the same for so many years before him: she supposed, that it was only natural that it still looked like home without his possessions scattered about. It would be in the storage spaces that she would notice the emptiness more.
She walked into the bedroom, turning on the lights as she went, and opened her cupboard doors. Someone, Alex or more likely Claudia, had thoughtfully spread her clothes evenly across the railing so that a large gap was not evident. There was a lot more space, no boxes and bags, and no set of golf clubs. Lucy’s heart wrenched as she remembered the day when she had found the ring, how her emotions had danced the tango as she had opened the little velvet box, how happy she had been. But now there was nothing there. Tearing herself away from the wardrobe, she moved to the chest of drawers. Likewise there were no gaping, empty drawers; her clothes had been neatly folded and redistributed to fill the spaces that Alex’s jumpers and boxers had vacated. She went back into the sitting room and looked around.
Claudia had a spare set of keys and had been letting herself in once a week to forward any mail and to water her beloved plants. They had flourished in her absence and the bright red geranium in her window box was in full bloom; a vivid splash of colour that brightened up the sitting room. She knelt on the cushioned window seat and raised the sash window, letting some much-needed fresh air seep into the flat. There was a note from Claudia on the kitchen table:
Welcome home Luce! London has missed you. Can’t wait to see you! Look in the fridge for your dinner… can’t have you rushing to the shops the moment you get back!
Love you C and D xx
In the fridge she found a chicken casserole, a bag of potatoes for baking, some butter, broccoli, milk and a packet of microwaveable chocolate soufflés. Lucy was so touched by this sweet gesture that she immediately reached for her phone and called Claudia.
‘Lucy! Are you home?’ said Claudia.
‘I just got here, thanks so much for stocking up my fridge. You honestly are the best friend a girl could ask for… mini chocolate soufflés?! You know me so well!’ she said.
‘Well it has been thirty years, I’ve had plenty of time!’ laughed Claudia. ‘How does it feel to be back, not too weird I hope?’
‘Do you know what, it’s not half as bad as I was expecting,’ said Lucy, surprised. ‘Thanks so much for rearranging my things so that I wouldn’t be faced with too many empty spaces. I think I had made it into something so traumatic in my head that the reality was much easier to deal with! Though ask me again in the morning when I’ve been sobbing into my pillow all night and I might have a different opinion!’ said Lucy wryly.
‘Don’t you dare, he is not worth it!’ exclaimed Claudia.
‘It’s okay, Clauds. I promise I’m feeling much stronger now.’
‘Are you still having bad days?’ Claudia asked.
‘The odd one, but generally I’m so busy focussing on the future that I am trying hard not to look back into the past, it’s a great distraction,’ Lucy explained, determined to put a brave face on and to try her best to sound positive.
‘The best distraction of all: having a baby!’ Claudia squeaked. ‘How are you getting on with your research?’
‘Not bad actually. It seems that I’ll have to have artificial insemination, where they’ll use a donor’s sperm to impregnate me!’
‘Right. So you don’t have to have IVF or anything?’
‘I don’t think so. Not to begin with anyway. I’m going to make an appointment with my GP so I can find out more.’
’Good idea. If you do go ahead with your plan, I’m definitely going to be god-mother, right? You’ve got to promise me that!’
‘I promise. Speaking of which, I had better go and see my godson soon, I can’t believe I haven’t seen him for so long, what a bad godmother…’
‘Tor will understand. You can offer to babysit and get some lessons,’ Claudia suggested. ‘You’re going to need them!’
‘I might actually start paying attention to some of the more graphic pregnancy stories too, perhaps it’ll put me off!’ she joked, knowing full well that there was nothing that could put her off now that she had her heart set on it.
‘So long as you don’t feel the need to pass them on to me. That is one part of life that I am very happy to remain out of the loop on, thank you very much!’ stated Claudia firmly.
‘Changing the subject entirely, have you heard from Dan how Alex is doing?’ asked Lucy, trying to keep her voice casual but instantly feeling sick at the thought of him having a separate life, separate experiences that she knew nothing about.
‘Ummm… not really. He has moved in with his sister for the time being, living in the spare room apparently,’ Claudia said.
‘Which one?’
‘The one that lives in London?’
‘Oh, Isabel, well yes that makes sense,’ Lucy said. ‘Is he dating anyone?’ she asked tentatively, hoping beyond hope that the answer would be no.
‘I honestly don’t know, Luce,’ Claudia said. ‘But you’ve got to try not to think about that. What he does now is no longer your concern, as painful as it may be.’
‘I know, you’re right. But it’s not easy. The thought of that still makes me feel physically sick.’
‘Will you see him?’ Claudia asked. ‘Are you going to try and get in touch?’
‘No,’ said Lucy. ‘I’ve thought about it, but I just can’t. It’s too hard. I feel like I’m doing fairly well by myself now, and I know that if I see him it will send me hurtling back to square one.’
‘I think that’s very sensible,’ Claudia said.
They proceeded to chat about Claudia’s work for a while. She was a PA for a monumental bitch in the world of finance, and Lucy loved nothing more than listening to Claudia’s character assassination of her boss and the accompanying stories. She had been particularly bad recently, and Claudia’s daily texts reporting on her antics had been a wonderful source of amusement over the course of the last few weeks, proving to be a fantastic distraction from her blue moods.
Sending Dan lots of love and promising to come over the next evening for supper, she eventually hung up the phone. She then texted Tor to see if she could pencil in lunch for the following Saturday with her and her godson, Otto. Tor immediately phoned back to check in on her, to find out how she was feeling being back in the flat, showering her with positive messages about the future and motivational talk as only Tor could, mid breast-feed! Otto suddenly appeared to have had enough of his mother’s attentions lying elsewhere, proceeding to scream in protest, forcing Tor to hang up the phone whilst apologizing like crazy for her son’s rude manners.
Chuckling to herself and feeling lucky to have such amazing friends, Lucy turned on the oven to the maximum temperature and shoved one of the potatoes into bake. Next she began to unpack her clothes, all carefully washed by her darling mother and smelling of home, before pottering around the flat tidying and cleaning happily, with an episode of New Girl playing on the television. She had a glass of crisp, white Sauvignon Blanc, cold from the fridge, as she ate her dinner, perusing the channels to choose a movie. She settled on an old favourite, The Bridges of Madison County, and sank back to enjoy it. She tested her emotions to see how she felt, as though dipping her toes into the sea to test the temperature of the water. She realized to her satisfaction that she was okay, and she knew, from that moment on, things would begin to get better.