In the meantime, work was fairly relaxed as the big firms wound down over the summer, resting before the onslaught of Christmas campaigns. Lucy found regular entertainment over her lunch breaks with Simon and Lettie as Lettie shared yet more trials and tribulations from the internet dating scene. The more she heard, the more Lucy was put off the idea of ever bothering to date again. Who would go to the trouble of putting themselves through this seemingly humiliating and soul-destroying process? Though, to her credit, Lettie seemed to be taking it all on the chin with a remarkable sense of humour.
‘You can’t just sit at home moping,’ she laughed, as Lucy vowed out loud she would never go on an internet dating site.
Simon agreed, ‘It’s high time you got back out on the dating scene, Luce.’
‘Well there’s no hope in hell I am joining match.com!’ she said, shaking her head vehemently at the thought.
‘What about Tinder?’ suggested Lettie. ‘It’s free and you can see if you’ve got Facebook friends in common.’
‘I suppose that is slightly better,’ said Lucy. ‘At least then you know you are not going to get a cheese-eating-fat-fetishist!’ They all laughed and Lettie visibly paled once again at the thought.
‘Exactly!’ groaned Lettie.
Simon had already swiped Lucy’s phone out of her hand and was busy tapping away on it, ignoring Lucy’s cries of ‘Oy, give it back!’ She admitted defeat, knowing that protesting was futile. Within mere moments, Lucy’s Tinder account had been set up. Despite her initial reluctance, when they showed her how it worked Lucy found herself somewhat intrigued. It seemed like a fairly easy method of filtering out the total mingers: swipe right to like and left to pass. Even she could manage that. She promised Lettie and Simon that she would give it a try and she meant it. It would do her no harm to give dating one last attempt. If she was brutally honest with herself she knew that despite having resolved to go it alone, she would never give up hope on a last minute intervention from the fates. The thought that there was a man out there waiting for her could never be eliminated from her mind completely.
Lucy couldn’t believe how addictive Tinder proved to be. When she was bored at work she would surreptitiously swipe all sorts of eligible-looking men, determined to get at least one date under her belt. She pinged messages to a few of the guys who she liked the look of, doing some background investigation by texting the mutual friends they had in common to find out if they were normal.
Eventually she set up a date with a guy called Ted. His profile picture revealed him to be a nice-looking ginger-haired man with a rather juvenile-looking quiff, and they had exchanged a series of pleasant messages before agreeing to meet for a drink. Simon and Lettie were extremely chuffed with her and took her out for a pre-date drink to ‘warm her up’.
They were to blame for the fact that she found herself turning up a good twenty minutes late at the pre-arranged meeting place, a bar in the city. She crossed her fingers as she entered, hoping that he wouldn’t be too deranged. Lucy hadn’t got much info out of the random Facebook friend she had got in touch with to do her background check. Apparently he was a vague acquaintance rather than a good friend, but there were no skeletons in the closet as far as her friend knew. She felt the familiar kick of nervous anticipation low in the pit of her stomach and acknowledged that it was quite fun even having the prospect of a new love interest. It had been a while. A pang of sadness flashed through her as she thought of Alex, and everything that a future with him had offered her. But there was no point in dwelling on what might have been. Tearing her thoughts back to the present, she forced a smile as she thought of Lettie, also on her way out to meet a date, if nothing else it would be fun to compare notes with her and swap stories the next day.
She scanned her eyes across the dimly lit bar, hoping to recognize her date from the photo. With a sigh of relief she spotted him sitting at a table in the corner. It had to be said, in the flesh he was nothing much to write home about. Oh well, thought Lucy, looks aren’t everything…
‘Ted?’ she asked as she approached the table.
‘Oh, hi. Lucy is it?’ he asked, looking up at her with mild interest as she came to sit down. He didn’t stand up to greet her, so she awkwardly stuck out her hand, which he shook somewhat unenthusiastically.
She sat down and placed her bag on the floor, filling the awkward silence that hovered between them with a stream of chatter about her tube journey.
Obviously unimpressed by her thus far, judging from the lack of response, Ted said, ‘Can I get you a drink?’
‘Oh yes please!’ said Lucy, a little over-excitedly.
‘What?’ asked Ted rather curtly.
‘A glass of white wine would be absolutely lovely!’ said Lucy.
As she watched him make his way to the bar she wondered why he appeared to be moving at the speed of a snail. Maybe he was not in a rush to get back to her verbal diarrhoea. She mentally reprimanded herself for being incapable of letting awkward silences pass. Why should she always be the one making people feel comfortable? He should be polite enough to put her at ease, not the other way around! She decided that when he came back she would sit back and wait for him to begin a conversation. She wanted to regain a balance of power where she didn’t look like a gibbering idiot. This time, she was determined to appear aloof.
After what felt like an age, she spotted Ted weaving his way through the office workers, carrying a bottle of sparkling water and the tiniest glass of wine she had ever seen.
‘I got you a small,’ he said as he put it down in front of her, before adding, ‘We don’t know how this is going to go.’
How charming! thought Lucy, grabbing the wine and purposefully knocking at least half of it back in one.
The rest of the date went from bad to worse. They had nothing in common, or at least they never had the opportunity to find out, thanks to Ted’s complete lack of communication. Lucy almost wanted to ask him why he had agreed to come on the date if he was clearly so uninterested in getting to know a single thing about her. Despite having resolved to let him take the lead she tried to ask him questions and salvage what was rapidly becoming one of the worst dates of her life, but was met with monosyllabic answers. She found herself wondering what a socially acceptable amount of time to make an exit might be. When she could bear it no longer she looked at her phone, ignoring the excited message from Simon asking her how it was going and checking the time. It was 8.35, precisely forty-five minutes since she had set foot in the building and the longest forty- five minutes of her life. She couldn’t stand it a second longer. Wincing as the chair legs scraped across the floor, she stood up to make her excuses and say goodbye, apologizing that she had forgotten she had made plans for dinner with a friend. He didn’t even bat an eyelid, in fact he couldn’t have looked less bothered.
As she sat on the tube on the way home, she tried to compose a text to Lettie and Simon that suitably portrayed the awfulness of the date. She started with his opening line of ‘I got you a small’ (he was right about that one!) and ended with her falling asleep on the table. Only a minor exaggeration. What a disaster! She couldn’t help but laugh to herself as she thought of his expressionless face as she had left him. Oh to be such a vacant and emotionless soul; she almost felt sorry for him! That was it; she had done what she set out to do. She had proved to herself that meeting someone through a virtual medium was no indicator whatsoever of chemistry, let alone personality, and she knew that she would not be dating anyone else unless she had physically set eyes on them.
That Friday she found herself leaving the office at the same time as Jack. ‘What are you up to?’ he asked, holding the door open for her as she stepped out onto the busy street.
‘Nothing much. You?’ she asked.
‘Home to an empty house.’ He clearly hadn’t moved back into the marital home.
‘Aren’t we cool!’ she said. ‘Friday night and no plans.’
‘Tell me about it,’ laughed Jack. ‘I don’t suppose you fancy a drink?’ he asked.
Lucy contemplated this offer for a moment or two. It was that or another evening sitting in front of the TV. She knew the sensible answer would be to say no, to stay well away from him, but the reckless part of her brain replied before she had time to rationalize her response. ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘Why not!’
Jack led the way to a bar around the corner. ‘What can I get you?’ he asked.
‘I’ll have a G and T please,’ said Lucy, taking a seat on one of the empty bar stools.
‘Single or double?’ asked the barman as Jack placed his order for two G and Ts.
‘Double,’ said Jack without hesitation. Lucy made a mental note not to let herself get drunk. They started talking about work but after a short while Jack announced that the topic was banned. ‘That’s all we ever bloody talk about!’
‘Good point. Who wants to think about work when they aren’t even in the office?!’
‘Or when they are in the office, for that matter,’ laughed Jack. ‘I’m desperate for a break.’
‘Yes, having all that time in Cornwall did wonders for me. What about you? Have you got any holidays to look forward to?’
‘I’ve got the usual trip to Mallorca with the family,’ said Jack. ‘Though Penny is still deciding whether or not I am allowed to come.’ He laughed wryly at this.
‘I see,’ said Lucy. ‘And what do you think the verdict will be?’
‘I have absolutely no idea. It’s a strange position to be in. I can’t bring myself to walk away completely, that’s for sure, so if she’ll have me I’ll definitely go. Penny and the kids are my family. As I can see all too clearly every night that we’ve been apart, my life doesn’t add up to much without them.’
‘It’s tough,’ said Lucy. She felt a wave of affection for him, he was clearly a great father and had been a good husband. It seemed unfair that things weren’t working out for them. ‘Do you miss her?’
‘I do and I don’t,’ he said. ‘In some ways I miss her unbelievably, but if you mean do I miss the humdrum and monotony of our daily lives together… not so much. I think the problem is you get into such routines as a married couple, the same meals, the same drink, the same TV programmes, the same bloody annoying arguments time and time again. It all begins to grate on your nerves after a while.’
‘I must say, the one advantage of being single again is having my flat to myself. The remote control especially,’ laughed Lucy. ‘That’s one thing I don’t miss! Sharing in general. And compromise, I don’t miss compromise either.’
They were now on their second G and Ts and Lucy was beginning to relax into his company. He really was an awesome guy, and the fact that he was ridiculously handsome certainly helped her to enjoy being in his presence. It felt good to be able to talk so openly about Penny, and Alex too.
‘So what actually happened with Alex in the end, if you don’t mind my asking?’
Jack listened carefully as Lucy told him about the break-up. When she had finished, he announced, ‘That is a really shit way to end things. It would have been better if he’d at least had sex with someone else so you could have a reason to hate him.’ He ordered another round of drinks. ‘To being independent!’ he said as he chinked her glass.
‘That’s a good way of putting it!’ laughed Lucy. ‘To being nag-free,’ she added, clinking his glass once more as she downed half of her drink. They were going down surprisingly easily.
The evening passed in a blur. The more drinks they had, the more flirtatious they both became. Jack hadn’t taken long to get up to his old tricks and Lucy found herself both unable and unwilling to resist his charms. Why the hell should I? she thought. Haven’t I been through enough crap? She decided it was her chance to have a bit of fun. She reassured herself that flirting wasn’t going to hurt anyone. Anyway, he was still married. Just because he was taking a break from his relationship didn’t mean he was available.
‘So how is the dating scene? If I’m about to re-enter it I need you to prepare me.’
‘Are you about to re-enter it?’ Lucy asked.
‘I’ve no idea at this particular moment in time. But say if I were to find myself back on the single scene all of a sudden. It’s been bloody ages since I’ve been on a date… in fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever really dated anyone apart from Penny.’
She told him about some of Lettie’s most hilarious encounters and ended up recounting her recent date with Tinder Ted. Jack was in stitches.
‘What a moron. Didn’t he realize who he was on a date with? He must be devoid of a personality. And blind.’
‘You are too kind!’
‘No seriously, you are gorgeous,’ said Jack. ‘I’m sure I’ve told you before, but you never believe me.’
‘You are not too bad yourself,’ admitted Lucy. They were now sitting so close that their knees were touching. Jack had taken off his tie and undone the top few buttons of his shirt, revealing a sexy smattering of grey hair on his chest. It felt good to be flirting with Jack, and even better to be flirted with.
Realizing they hadn’t eaten yet they ordered a round of bar snacks and washed them down with a couple of cold beers. Then a couple more.
As they stumbled out onto the street, Lucy fumbled in her bag for her phone with the intention of booking herself an Uber. Not paying attention to where she was going, she accidentally stumbled on an uneven paving stone and tripped. Jack caught her by the arm just in time as she lurched towards the road. He pulled her away from the curb. She fell against him heavily and found herself clutching his arms. Even through the fog of alcohol she could feel how strong he was. Looking up at him, she suddenly realized how desperately she wanted to kiss him. It felt so good to be in a man’s arms once again. Like a rusty engine rumbling into life, she felt something ignite deep inside her. He was looking down at her and she could tell that something in the air between them had subtly shifted. Her heart pounded in anticipation. Was he going to kiss her? She moved closer to him and stood up slightly, her face now inches away from his. She could feel his breath against her skin. She could smell his aftershave. She pressed herself against him and willed him to kiss her. She knew she wouldn’t make the first move. She was desperate to feel his touch against her skin, to eradicate the memory of Alex for good. Just as she thought that the moment was about to pass, he pulled her towards him. He had clearly been battling with himself but something had given way. He held the back of her head and he kissed her, softly at first but then urgently, as though he had been waiting to kiss her like that for a very long time. Unable to break themselves apart they kissed on and on.
Eventually, they hailed a cab and went back to her flat, undressing each other as soon as they got in the door. Their clothes lay in a tangled trail to her bedroom. Jack pushed her down on to the bed and forced any lingering thoughts of Alex firmly out of her mind, once and for all.
Afterwards, Lucy drifted in and out of sleep, waking up in the morning with a pounding head, an aching body and an empty space next to her. She felt a strange mixture of elation and guilt. She reached for her phone. Sure enough there was a message from Jack:
Last night was amazing. I’m sorry I didn’t have better self-control, I couldn’t resist you. Hope you are okay? J xx
Lucy could tell that he wanted to make sure she was all right. He probably felt as if he had taken advantage of her.
My self-control also to blame. And it was great, L xx
Jack replied:
I’m sure I don’t need to say this but can we please keep this between ourselves? X
As she read this, Lucy felt slightly sick. She suspected he was regretting mixing business with pleasure. Not to mention the thought of Penny finding out if word got out that they had slept together. Given how up in the air things were between them that would be the last thing he needed. Her eyes filled with tears. She should have known better. It was impossible to have a night like that with someone like Jack and stay emotionally unattached. They had been colleagues for so long, and she had always been so attracted to him. She had thought it would make her feel better but she felt worse. Why was it that all the men she had feelings for didn’t quite reciprocate in the way she wanted them to?
Mum’s the word!
Replied Lucy, cringing at the false joviality of her text as she wrote it.
With a sigh she got up and made her way to the shower. She wanted to wash the night away. She felt very uncomfortable about Penny. She had vowed that she would never touch Jack, that he was completely out of bounds as long as he was married. She felt ashamed of herself that she had given into temptation, and for what… one night of fun? It had been amazing but that didn’t make it all right. He wasn’t single, that was a fact, and so what they had done was wrong. She vowed not to tell anyone about it, ever. Not even Claudia. She would never risk it getting out. It wouldn’t be fair to Penny or Jack for this to become public knowledge. Most importantly, it wouldn’t be fair to his children.
On the twenty-third of August, Lucy went for her initial consultation with The London Women’s Clinic. She was impressed by the reception area. With two huge green plants on either side of a black and white, chequered marble floor and a sweeping, wrought-iron stair case ascending from behind the wooden desk, it looked more like the reception area of a smart hotel than a clinic; the only telltale signs were the artistic images on the wall, clever photographs of sperm, eggs and embryos rather than the usual landscapes. As she sat in the waiting room, she was enchanted to see a beautiful little dark-haired girl with the most gorgeous ringlets toddle over to her. She must have been no more than two years old. She was drawn like a magpie to the fake jewels on Lucy’s gold sandals and kept trying to pick them up. Her mother came over to try and dissuade the child from bothering her, saying apologetically, ‘I’m so sorry, she just loves sparkly things!’
‘Don’t worry at all, she’s adorable!’ said Lucy.
‘She really is, isn’t she?’ said the woman, looking lovingly at her child. ‘Although I know you’re not supposed to say that about your own child! I’m Nicola and this is Maisy,’ said the lady, brushing her long dark hair over her shoulder and picking up her daughter. Proffering a slender arm that jangled with bangles, she said, ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘I’m Lucy,’ she said, shaking her hand and watching with amusement as Maisy clambered onto Nicola’s lap, pulling at the stretchy fabric of her mother’s navy maxi dress.
‘Have you been to this clinic before?’ asked Lucy. ‘It’s my first time, so I’m a little nervous!’
‘Oh poor you, don’t be nervous! Everyone here is so lovely, honestly. I remember feeling the same when I first came here, several years ago now!’ Nicola confided. ‘Is it your first consultation, then?’
Lucy nodded. Deciding to be brave, she took a deep breath and said, ‘I’m thinking of having a baby but I don’t have a partner. So I’m contemplating DI.’ She knew that she would have to get used to talking about it without feeling ashamed.
Nicola nodded her head and pointed at Maisy. ‘That’s exactly what I did. Look at me now!’ she said, kissing her daughter on the head, who had now decided to curl up and have a rest on her mother’s lap. Lucy couldn’t believe her eyes, she didn’t know why but she hadn’t suspected that Maisy could be a donor baby. Chiding herself for her own narrow-mindedness, she realized that she hadn’t thought someone as gorgeous as Nicola would have been down this route. But why on earth not, she thought to herself, if I am?
‘That’s amazing!’ cried Lucy. ‘Oh wow, it’s so inspiring to see you now, on the other end of the process. To think that I could be you in a couple of years!’
‘I’m in for a possible round two now,’ whispered Nicola. ‘I want her to have a brother or sister. I’m going to try and use the same sperm so that they are genetically full siblings.’ Lucy hadn’t thought about that possibility yet, but she was impressed that it was feasible to have a real family, sharing the same genes, through DI.
Lucy and Nicola chatted about her experiences during her last round of treatment. It had taken her four attempts, or cycles, of IUI before she had become pregnant. Lucy felt as though she had found a real kindred spirit in Nicola, a high-flying accountant who said she had genuinely never had the time to meet anyone and settle down. She had been thirty-seven when she fell pregnant with DI, and at thirty-nine she knew that she was cutting it fine but had decided to try again. As Lucy was called in for her appointment, Nicola offered to swap phone numbers, saying that she would really love it if they could stay in touch, and that she would be happy to answer any questions Lucy had if she decided to go ahead with it. Lucy gratefully accepted and they saved each other’s details in their mobile phones.
She left the waiting room and shook hands with her doctor, a beautiful Asian lady with a kind smile, following her up the staircase and along the corridor into her office.
Lucy was relieved to find the clinic a warm and friendly place where her doctor, a fertility specialist, was able to explain answers to the hundreds of questions that she had amassed over the last couple of months. She was reassured to find out that, in co-operation with the London Sperm Bank, this clinic had the largest donor insemination programme in the UK. She felt in safe hands.
The doctor explained the steps that would follow if she decided to go ahead with the treatment. She would have roughly an eighteen per cent chance of each cycle working. She worked out that she had enough money in her savings to have three rounds of treatment before she would have to start saving up all over again. She prayed that this would be enough.
Lucy waited with bated breath as the doctor did a pelvic ultrasound scan on her. She thought of all of her friends with children and wondered whether they had any idea just how lucky they were that they had got pregnant naturally, that they had met their partners at the right time to start a family. After an agonizing few minutes she was relieved to hear that everything seemed to be in perfect working order. Despite her relief she couldn’t help but wish that all of this hadn’t been necessary. It seemed like an enormously long road ahead and the chances seemed all too slim. She knew that all she needed to do now was make her final decision and get the ball rolling.