The next week, it was her thirty-seventh birthday. Lucy woke with a start in the middle of the night with tears streaming down her face. She had been having the same recurring dream since Ireland. She and Rory were blissfully happy together, laughing and dancing, kissing and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears, then suddenly he faded, growing fainter and fainter until she realized that he had gone, that he wasn’t coming back. Each time, the hurt became raw again like an open wound and she would find herself crying into her pillow, unable to cope with the abyss of pain she felt at losing him.
Slowly coming to her senses she realized that it was her birthday and smiled ironically to herself through her tears; what a way to start the day!
She closed her eyes and went back to sleep, forcing herself to dream instead of her baby and the new life of motherhood she was embarking on.
Her alarm beeped rudely and unrepentantly at 6.45 a.m., rousing her from a restless sleep. Her phone was already buzzing with messages from friends near and far, her icons blinking from Facebook, WhatsApp and all sorts of disparate social media sites, sending her birthday wishes. Lucy had always loved her birthday, but as she scanned her messages she was only looking for one name, Rory McCullan, and his was nowhere to be seen.
Slowly waking herself up, she got dressed for work whilst listening to Chris Evans on Radio 2, his upbeat chatter was definitely the most cheerful way to start any day, and today she needed it more than ever. How strange, she thought to herself, that this was the last day she would celebrate a birthday by herself. Next year, she would have her baby with her.
She had decided to start telling people about the baby tomorrow; she just wanted to get her birthday over and done with first before the attention fell to her pregnancy and answering all sorts of awkward questions about Rory that would no doubt follow.
To celebrate her birthday Lettie and Simon had brought in little cakes and a bottle of champagne. Lucy accepted a glass and pretended to sip it.
She kept her phone on vibrate all day. Her heart would leap into her mouth with false hope every time it buzzed as she raced to read the birthday greetings, hoping beyond hope that it would be from the only person that she really wanted to hear from. As the day went on she realized that the last flame of hope that had been flickering inside her was spluttering out. She had been clinging to the idea that Rory would contact her today, that he would be unable to resist the thought of her spending her birthday alone. But she realized now that he was gone. He hadn’t been able to reconcile himself with the prospect of her having a child that wasn’t his. She was heartbroken, but if she truly searched her soul she couldn’t blame him. Would she have been able to bring up a stranger’s child as if it were her own? She couldn’t be sure.
After work she met up with the girls, Tor, Claudia and Nicola, for supper. They went to a trendy new tapas bar in Borough Market. The others drank lots of red wine and chatted about baby names, trying to steer the topic of conversation away from Rory and men in general, keeping things light-hearted and fun. Lucy grilled Nicola and Tor with a million questions about pregnancy and childbirth, while Claudia played her comedic role to perfection, rolling her eyes in bewilderment and pretending to pass out in disgust! Lucy was genuinely intrigued to find out exactly what was going to happen to her in the next six months. She wanted to be as fully prepared as possible for what was to come.
After the meal, Nicola gave Lucy a beautiful gold bangle with a turquoise stone for her birthday present.
‘It’s stunning!’ said Lucy as she slid the cool metal over her wrist. ‘Thank you so much Nic.’
‘It’s my pleasure,’ said Nicola, thrilled with Lucy’s reaction.
‘And from us, an envelope!’ said Claudia as Tor pushed a card across the table.
‘A Mothercare voucher!’ laughed Lucy. ‘What a good idea!’
‘It’s to put towards baby stuff,’ said Claudia, stating the obvious.
‘But only when you have raided all my bits and pieces that I no longer need for Otto,’ added Tor. Tor was keen to give her as much baby paraphernalia as possible now that Otto was growing older and no longer needed it; she was desperate to declutter her house a little.
Later, as the time came for them to make their way home, Lucy said, ‘Thank you so much, for everything… for your presents and for tonight. But mostly, thank you so much for being there for me, no matter what. It means the world to me and I couldn’t do this without you.’ She found herself getting a little tearful when she said goodbye as they put her in a taxi, with shouts of ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘We love you!’ fading into the distance as she set off towards Baron’s Court.
Lucy sat back heavily in her seat and reached into her bag to check her phone for one last time in the dim light of the taxi. Still nothing. Her heart sank to the bottom of her shoes. A shuddering sigh escaped her lips. With her hand on her tummy, she said to her baby, ‘This is it now. It’s just you and me.’ She sat like that for the rest of the journey, staring out of the window as the lights of London flickered like oil lamps from the inky black silhouettes of the buildings they passed by. Finally, the taxi driver turned into Mayfield Road and pulled up opposite number thirteen. A big van was parked outside her house and she wondered vaguely who it belonged to as she paid the taxi driver and thanked him for taking her home.
Wearily, she clambered out of the taxi and crossed the road, reaching into her handbag to find her house keys. As she weaved her way through the gap between the van and the car next to it, she suddenly became aware of a person sitting on the steps leading up to her flat.
He lifted his head as she approached, ‘Lucy?’ he asked softly.
Lucy took a sharp intake of breath; she could not believe her eyes. There, sitting right in front of her, bedraggled and exhausted, was Rory. Her heart stopped beating; she was frozen to the spot as though the Medusa had turned her into solid stone. She dared not move, dared not breathe, in case she somehow shattered the illusion and he disappeared, as he had done so many times in her dreams. Finally finding the strength to speak, she whispered, ‘Rory… you’re here.’ A single tear escaped from her eye and rolled down her cheek.
‘Happy birthday,’ he said, standing up and coming over to her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her as though he would never let her go. She felt as though she had finally come home, this was where she belonged; she knew it with every fibre of her being. She breathed in the musky, peppery smell of him and squeezed as tightly as she could. ‘I’ve missed you so much,’ he said, his voice choked with emotion.
‘Me too,’ she sobbed into his shoulder. ‘I thought you weren’t coming,’ she whispered. She was desperate to know why he was here. She didn’t dare believe that all her wishes had come true, that he was back for good, that he had somehow found it in his heart to forgive her.
Gently, he pulled away from her and looked down at her with those beautiful blue eyes, ‘I’m so sorry, Luce. I’ve been in turmoil these last few weeks, I didn’t know what to do, what to say, so I just didn’t say or do anything at all. It was so cowardly of me. You didn’t deserve it. I’ve been in Edinburgh working this past week or I would have come sooner, but I had to see you.’ Seeing that she was crying, he said, ‘Don’t cry, please don’t cry. I’m here now. It’s okay, it’s okay,’ wiping away the tears that were falling down her cheeks. Then he took her face in his hands and he kissed her. The moment she had been dreaming of and praying for had finally arrived; relief flooded through every part of her body as she kissed him back. She hoped fervently that this meant he had indeed forgiven her, that he could see a way forward for them.
‘You’re freezing,’ she said, noticing that his face and hands were stone cold beneath her touch.
Rory rubbed his hands together to warm them up. ‘I’ve been sitting here all evening, waiting for you to get home. I didn’t know what time you’d be back, and I didn’t want to call you. I needed to speak to you face to face, to explain.’
‘Let’s get you inside,’ Lucy said, fumbling once again for her keys and opening the front door. They walked up the stairs, hand in hand. She unlocked the door to her flat, switching on the light and putting her bag down on the floor. Her heart was pounding.
They crossed over to the sofa and sat down. Rory took both of her hands in his. Taking a deep breath, he said, ‘Lucy, before I start I just have to tell you how much I love you. The thought of living without you these past few weeks has been like torture. I thought about it, I really did. You see I just didn’t know what to do; the whole thing came as such a shock, the pregnancy, the donor stuff. I felt like I’d been knocked sideways. It was awful. I love you so much but I had to think carefully, I had to decide whether I could stand by you if the baby isn’t mine. I hated myself for not contacting you. When I heard you outside my house all I wanted to do was race to the door and open it, to tell you it would be okay, but I just sat there, unable to move. I knew that I couldn’t come here until I had figured everything out. I needed to tell you that yes, I’d stay or no, I couldn’t, once and for all. Anything else wouldn’t have been fair.’
Lucy listened and nodded, saying ‘It’s okay. I understand,’ as he spoke, holding his hands tightly in hers, her eyes brimming with tears. Her heart sank as she realised that he had come to explain himself, to justify his decision to leave her. It was all too much for him. He couldn’t accept what she had done.
‘When you sent me that photo of the scan, everything changed. I looked at that baby and I saw you. I felt such a strong pang of love for that little thing, that I knew, instantly, that I could love it, even if it turns out not to be mine, because it is you.’ Tears streamed down Lucy’s cheeks as she realised she was hearing the words she had so desperately hoped she would hear. ‘It is yours. And I love you, Lucy, so much that it hurts. I can’t bear the thought of life without you. I don’t want to live another second without you. I am in. I am here. If you’ll have me, I am yours. Forever. I have already lost love once before, and I am not… I will not, lose you. Please forgive me.’ He looked at her nervously, waiting for her response, and she could see how much he meant every word that he had said, every beautiful, miraculous word.
‘Of course I will, Rory. I love you more than anything,’ she whispered, tears once again falling freely, this time of happiness, and they held each other and kissed through their smiles and laughter.
Then Rory placed his hands on either side of her waist, he planted several kisses on her tummy and gently stroked it, saying, ‘Hello little baby, I can’t wait to meet you. I promise I’m going to take good care of you and your mummy.’ He sat back up and kissed Lucy again and at that moment she knew that they would make it, the three of them, their very own little family.