Daniel laid out both pieces of Lawson’s card on the desk in his bedroom, staring at the word HELP. It was as though the man had reached inside his head where all his secrets were hidden. When he turned the pieces over, Daniel realized there was only Lawson’s name, no address or telephone number or email.
‘Hello?’ whispered Daniel in the quiet. ‘Reverend Lawson? Are you there?’ But there was no reply. ‘How am I supposed to open my heart? What do I do to show you I want to make the fit?’
Ever since Lawson had left the hospital room, there had been an empty space inside Daniel, cold and dark, unknown to him before. But Lawson had known about it and he had mentioned helping Daniel’s father too. Somehow, the strange man had given him hope about his father that no one at the hospital had been able to provide.
Daniel laid his hands one on top of the other over his ribcage, trying to feel for something different in his chest. But there was just bone and gristle and the beating of his heart.
When he closed his eyes, all he could see was a black that was bottomless, into which he could fall forever. He forced himself to keep staring into it, as though it was a test to face the dark again, as he tried searching for what was different inside him. His eyes kept popping open at first, whenever he was spooked by noises in the walls, afraid the world would disappear if he wasn’t watching out for it and he would find himself back underground. At the hospital there had always been a gentle hum of voices, and the sounds of people doing things to reassure him, so it was scary closing his eyes now that he was on his own in the empty house. He kept remembering how cold it had been in the dark too, and a chill crept stealthily over his arms and up his neck. Finding that it was too difficult to ignore, he wrapped his duvet about him and sat in his desk chair until gradually he got used to staring into the void, reassuring himself he was still above ground, that being on his own was OK.
He sat still and quiet for some time, looking inside himself for any clue. But, when rain started pattering against the bedroom window, Daniel struggled to keep his eyes shut tight. The burble in the guttering outside made him gasp and tremble, reminding him of the sounds of the underground stream, and his eyelids flew open of their own accord.
His aunt was standing in the doorway, her damp hair shining. ‘I knocked,’ she said softly, as if the rain had washed most of her voice away. ‘When you didn’t answer I thought you might be asleep.’
She stood waiting for Daniel to say something, but he didn’t. When she saw the pieces of Lawson’s card on the desk, spelling out the man’s name, she studied it for a moment and then nodded towards the stairs. ‘Dinner,’ she said, before disappearing back on to the landing.
Daniel sat for a moment longer, until the rain began pounding the windows, and then he sloughed the duvet on to the floor and quickly switched off the light, and followed the warm waft of curry coming up the stairs.