Etiquette and emotional intelligence

We can talk about mortgages and defrosting freezers and asking for a pay rise until we’ve grown new wrinkles, but ultimately, nothing says ‘I do not know how to be an adult’ like dealing with ACTUAL LIFE THINGS you’ve never encountered before. Like when the first of your friends has a baby. Or when someone younger than you loses both their parents. What about when you have to buy a wedding present for the first time, or when you need to end a proper relationship but you’ve got shared bank accounts and, worse, TV subscriptions? Feeling overwhelmed yet?

You don’t need to be. It might look like everyone around you knows how to behave in situations where you honestly don’t have a clue, but trust us: they are all winging it. Because there’s a lot more than practicality involved, there’s those damn emotions too. We can’t give you a definitive answer on how to behave in life, but for some guidance, think of this as CityMapper for your personal life.

What to do/say/buy when someone gets divorced or goes through a break-up

They say romance isn’t dead, but according to the Office for National Statistics, an estimated 42% of marriages end in divorce, with around half of these splits occurring in the first 10 years. So that’s … nice. The chances are, you’ll know someone who won’t stay with their partner whether they’re married or not, so what can you do to make things easier for them?

  1. Don’t sugar-coat things: Kat broke up with someone she lived with after seven years, and the best thing anyone said to her was, ‘It’s totally shit. It will probably get worse,’ closely followed by, ‘You’ll get there, eventually.’ Obviously, you don’t want to kick a mate while they’re down, but telling them that you understand that they’re going through something awful is actually pretty helpful.
  2. Get practical: shoulders to cry on and bottles of wine are great, but so is practical thinking. In these situations, you’re going to be the one with a straight head, not your friend who hasn’t slept in a week and is treating cheese as a major food group. So, if they need to move, offer a day to help them pack up their stuff. Source the packing boxes. Find an affordable storage company to stash their belongings if they don’t have room for them all (or offer your own attic/spare cupboard if you have one).
  3. Offer to help: think about what you’d want if you were going through the same thing. Top of your list would probably be: a place to stay that isn’t with your now ex-partner, and not having to tell everyone you know that you’re going through a break-up. If you can, give them a place to stay for a while and suggest that you quietly spread the word amongst your mutual friends.

And if you’re not that close, but still want to let them know you’re thinking of them? Then do. Send them a message saying you heard the news, you’re thinking of them, and you hope they’re holding up okay. Simple.

What should you say to someone in mourning?

They say dying is the only thing we can count on, but we’d like to add ‘being speechless when someone dies’ to that list. Death and mourning are near-impossible situations to prepare for because everyone copes in different ways. So where do you start?

It might not be a break-up, but showing an honest understanding, offering to help in practical ways, and acknowledging that you’ve heard their news and are there should your friend/family member/colleague need you is a good place to begin. Sending flowers and a condolence card might be tradition, but try thinking outside the box: could they use a cleaner for a few weeks, or some home-cooked meals?

And if you’re attending a funeral, you can of course tell the mourner that you’re sorry for their loss. But imagine if it was you — what would you want to hear? Perhaps someone else’s fond memories of your loved one, or how much they made you smile. Don’t keep it formal if you don’t have to — if telling them you always remember that time down the pub where you ended up dancing on tables together feels right, then do.

The one thing to avoid at all costs is clamming up out of awkwardness and failing to even acknowledge their loss. Even if you’re not sure how it will be received, saying something simple like, ‘I’m so sorry’, or sending a brief condolence card is always better than simply ignoring it. They may not thank you now, but they will remember that you showed you cared. Conversely, silence can end up creating a rift.

How are you meant to show you care when someone gets married or has a baby?

There comes a time in everyone’s life where your social media feeds will stream endless pictures of engagements and new babies and weddings and slightly older babies. And even if you’ve reached your love limit (it happens), some of these exciting things will probably be happening to people you’re close to, and you’ll need to show that you are a nice person and you care. Here’s how:

ENGAGEMENTS

This one’s pretty easy because not many people expect an engagement present. But best practice (and we really mean practise because you’ll be doing this A LOT) is to send a card to the couple with a nice message. If your friendship group goes big on gifts, get them something they can enjoy together, like a bottle of champagne, but the real gifting happens when they actually get married.

MARRIAGES

Knowing when to buy a gift for someone getting married is pretty straightforward — if you aren’t invited to the wedding, you only need to say congratulations. Luckily, most almost-weds will give you some direction on what they expect as a present — if anything. Some will make a gift list with big shops like John Lewis. (Tip: get on that as soon as you can, so you can choose a gift in your budget and don’t end up staring at a list of one really expensive milk jug and a sofa.) Others will ask for money towards their honeymoon fund, and some won’t ask for anything at all. (But, to confuse things, it’s still customary to put something in an envelope and give it to them on the day.)

So how do you know how much to actually spend? Well, you don’t. It’ll vary depending on how well you know the couple, how much you like them, and what your own budget it. But here’s what actual adults we know have to say on the matter:

How much should you spend on a wedding present?

‘It depends on who it is for. For a very close friend, I’d spend a lot more than for someone I wasn’t as close to. I’d say for someone I didn’t know so well, it would be about £20 or so, but try to make the item look more expensive.’

‘It depends how well you know them and how often you see them, but anywhere from £20–£60. It also depends on your disposable income and how much you are spending to attend the wedding. If the wedding is abroad then you may spend a little less on the wedding gift to compensate.’

‘If you have the money, £100, and if you don’t, you can’t go wrong with a bottle of something!’

‘I personally always opt for something you could actually see yourself buying the happy couple as a gift … I wouldn’t buy someone one pillow, a towel, or a glass for a present, and not vouchers if possible. Spending £30 on something is fine if you know they’ll enjoy it — but always try and sort the present early or you’ll be scrounging around their wedding list looking for something decent!’

‘It depends on how much you’re spending on the wedding — if you’re travelling from far away and are having to shell out on a hotel and other stuff, people appreciate that and wouldn’t expect a lavish gift.’

‘I’ve had to go to quite a few weddings on my own, and decided that I’d spend a standard £25–£30 on each of the couples. And now I’m in a long-term relationship, my partner and I agreed that we’d spend about £50–£60 on each and split that evenly between us, regardless of whose side of friends/family the couple is on.’

‘The first question I ask myself here is “How much do I like the people getting married?”’

‘I’m married and this provided me with a very useful tip — keep note of what people spend on you and then you’re able to spend the same on that person if you’re buying them a wedding gift.’

‘If the gift list is down to a set of teaspoons and a toilet brush, and you don’t want to give money or generic vouchers as it’s too impersonal, I like to get the couple a voucher for their favourite restaurant. They will probably be skint after paying for their wedding, and this will enable them to have a date while they are still paying off a zillion pounds of wedding debt. You can look on the restaurant’s website to work out how much the voucher will need to be for them to have a slap-up meal. You can also buy vouchers for hotels and flights from places like HotelGift and FlightGift if you are feeling extravagant!’

A NEW BABY

Again, this depends on how close you are to the people who made that new human. If it’s a friend you don’t see much, a message to say congratulations or a card is a nice gesture, and a small gift if you feel it’s appropriate. If it’s anyone in your life more important than that, a card and a present is the norm. But try to think outside of the box — there’s plenty of stuff more useful (and interesting) than a massive bouquet of flowers:

How to navigate the marriage minefield

Sounds so fun, doesn’t it? The truth is — because we want to prepare you — that weddings will take up a lot of your time and money. So, let’s get started.

ARE STAGS AND HEN DOS OPTIONAL?

Nowadays, those last nights of freedom aren’t just a few-too-many pints in the pub and someone getting tied to a lamppost. They can be expensive, last longer than a weekend, and leave you out of pocket and recovering for a couple of weeks. They can also be really fun. So, you need to work out whether it’s worth going to every single one you’re invited to.

Think of this as a sliding scale of social obligations — the closer you are to someone, the more important it is to turn up to their do.

  1. Bridesmaid/groomsman: the chances are you’ve organised the thing, so unless you’re heavily pregnant or out of the country for properly legit reasons, you need to be there.
  2. Close family: I’m talking brothers, sisters, your mum, in-laws … yes, you need to go. Unless you haven’t been invited, in which case this isn’t the place for advice.
  3. Not-so-close family: Kat didn’t go to her cousin’s hen do because a) she was broke (it was a long weekend away), and b) she didn’t know anyone else. She explained, and her cousin was okay with it. Some people won’t be, so take it on a case-by-case basis.
  4. Close friend: these events are mainly for close friends, so the obvious answer is yes. But if this is three days in Las Vegas that will send you into debt for the next two years, speak to them and explain your situation. Another way to save money is to only join for part of the day/event if possible.
  5. Generic mate: you know, the one who you spend time with, but wouldn’t call up and cry to if you’d smashed a tile in your bathroom. This is your call — everything is optional, you just need a good enough reason not to attend.
  6. Colleagues: same as above. Your workmates might be inviting you because they think it would be awkward if they didn’t. Only you’ll know the depth of your co-worker friendship.
  7. Someone who hasn’t invited you to the actual wedding: absolutely not.

Still not sure? Here’s what other people had to say:

‘I’m self-employed, so it depends on work commitments — if it was someone I’m not in frequent contact with, then I would be more inclined to decline the offer.’

‘You shouldn’t put your life on hold to attend these things. Only do it if you want to and it doesn’t break the bank.’

‘In my limited experience of stag dos, I’d say they only time that you really must go is if you’re a member of the wedding party.’

‘I honestly don’t really enjoy hen dos very much. The low-key ones are great, but I find some levels of organised fun exhausting! If it’s not being held for someone I’m really close to, and it’s something that involves a stay overnight and parting with a lot of cash, I usually politely decline and go out for dinner or drinks with the bride separately.’

‘Everything is optional! Although I would say if someone has invited you on a stag/hen and therefore ranked you as one of their closest friends, generally there should be a good reason for you not to go unless they’ve massively overestimated your friendship!’

‘If it’s a close friend I would 100% try to attend unless I really couldn’t afford it or wasn’t around on the dates. For someone not so close, I’d try to attend if it wasn’t too expensive. If I can’t go, I always make sure I sound extra thankful that I was invited.’

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU REALLY CAN’T AFFORD IT?

Work out how much you can afford. If you can stretch to the wedding, but not the stag/hen, speak to the bride/groom and tell them that, as much as you’d like to be there, you can’t find the budget. If you really don’t like talking about money, no one will sue you for making a believable and reasonable excuse, like a party for your grandma.

If it’s the wedding that is the problem (maybe it’s abroad, or in the middle of nowhere, or you’re going solo and the hotel room is too expensive), explain your circumstances. They might be able to introduce you to other guests who need to buddy-up, or who could give you a lift. But really, no one should sacrifice the money they need to live off just because someone they know fancied getting married in the Med. [Maybe tell them in nicer terms than that.]

THE PLUS-ONE DILEMMA

Lots of couples don’t invite partners of guests to their weddings if they aren’t married, in a long-term relationship, or if they haven’t met them before. And there’s usually a decent reason — it might be financial, or simply because they don’t want people they aren’t close to at the most important day of their lives.

So how do you make riding solo less daunting?

Tell the couple that you understand why [insert name] wasn’t invited, but that they’ll be more than happy to step in if they end up with some free seats.

Team up with another mate, and share a hotel room if you need to stay overnight. You can also share the cost of a wedding gift with them.

If you’re worried that you won’t know anyone else at the wedding, ask whoever is getting married if they can introduce you to a couple of their nicest friends over drinks, or by text, and arrange to meet up with them on your way to the wedding.

Ask the bride/groom if they wouldn’t mind sitting you on a table with your other friends or people you’ve met before.

How and where to find new (adult) friends once you’ve left the framework of school/university

As you get older, everyone will tell you that you’ll meet your friends for life at senior school, at college, at uni … And the truth is, it might not be like that. You might find them in a flat-share, in a football team, through your partner, or in the kitchen at work.

But, as charming as that sounds, without the handy frameworks that come with studying, extra-curricular clubs, and hanging out in the same halls, it can be legitimately nerve-wracking to go out there and find new mates when you’re grown (ok, growing) up. Here’s how to start:

  1. Hobbies: one of the easiest ways to meet people who you’ll have at least one thing in common with is to join a group that’s all about that one thing. It could be knitting, archery, taxidermy, am-dram, or board games; you can guarantee you’ll find a club that’s all about that in your area. And if there’s anything you really want to learn — like Spanish, or how to make screen prints — find a class you can go to after work or at the weekend. MeetUp is a huge website that lists social gatherings and trips by topic or interest.
  2. Sports: okay, sports are hobbies too. But usually they come with in-built camaraderie, so if you’re going to play football or netball or whatever it is, you’re most likely signing yourself up to after-match drinks too. And if you find a couple of people in that group that you get along particularly well with, don’t be afraid to ask them out separately.
  3. Apps: if you can get a boyfriend/girlfriend/takeaway/manicure through an app, you can bet you can find friends on one, too. If you don’t feel comfortable seeking people out in big group situations, this could be a good way to go. Bumble BFF is a big one, but (cue parental warning ringing in your ears), you should still treat this the same way you would if you were going on a date. Make sure someone (your flatmate, your mum) knows where you are and who you’re spending time with. There’s also the City Socializer app across UK cities including London, Manchester, Bristol, and Leeds, which helps you join up with local people into the same kind of stuff as you.
  4. Work: almost no one starts a new job because of the exciting social life it offers, but when you’re spending day in, day out with a group of people, you’ll probably find a few you really get along with. If it’s not inappropriate (you’re the intern and they’re the CEO), ask someone if they fancy going to grab some lunch together, or make the most of after-work drinks. And things like office messenger (yeah, they’re meant to be a place for work chat, but sure are a good way to get chatting to people outside of meetings or group events).
  5. And bonus points for: saying yes to things! House parties with a bunch of strangers might not be up your street, but try saying yes to those things where you only know a couple of people, like birthday parties or Sunday afternoons down the pub. You may hate it, you may meet some future best mates. But you won’t know until you try!

How to deal with your parents (or how to be a nice child, without them realising it)

Everyone’s relationship with their parents is different. You might be joined at the hip, or have moved far, far away. You might really like one of them, but can’t stand the other. You might only have one. They might not be your biological parents. Or you might love them dearly, but can’t think of anything you have in common aside from your DNA.

Establishing a more balanced and mature relationship with your parents over time will make you feel more confident — in some ways, it’s the psychological final frontier of Being An Adult. It’s attractive, too — no one is impressed by seeing their girlfriend/boyfriend interact with their family as though they are still 12 years old.

There’s no one-size-fits-all for learning how to help that relationship as you (and they) get older, but there are some things that might make it a little bit easier:

  1. Be supportive: parents tend to be very good at bottling things up around their kids, but now you’re growing up you can ask them about things like work (How is it going? Do they have any retirement plans? What is their team like?), their friends (How is so-and-so from their book club? Who are they playing tennis with these days? Did they ever resolve that problem with the neighbour?), or how their health is. They might be going through anything from problems with their boss to illness, and showing that you’re interested and supportive will mean a lot.
  2. … And be useful: if you know what’s going on in their lives, that’s the first step to helping them out when they might need you to. Do they need taking to a hospital appointment? Book a day off. It won’t be fun, but it’ll probably be hugely reassuring for them. Even if you’re not dealing with anything serious, you might still be able to help with practical things. What about those boxes of old photos your mum keeps mentioning to you? Or the fence they’ve been trying to fix? If you have some time or you can make some, find out what you can do to help them out.
  3. Let them help you: if your parents have looked after you for 18+ years, they aren’t just going to switch that off now you’ve got a job and your bank statements get sent to a different address. Sure, that can be annoying sometimes (‘Yes, Mum, I am getting enough sleep,’ ‘No, Dad, I promise I won’t get too drunk’) but you know what? Who doesn’t want someone to care about their wellbeing? If you feel like that’s verging on interfering, though, divert their attention to things you could actually use a hand with, like choosing a good travel insurance policy or digging out some old family recipes so you can start making more home-cooked meals. Giving them a concrete task to help with can soak up that energy.
  4. Ask about them: when you’re the one starting a new job or moving house or going on really, really terrible dates, it can be easy to forget to have a two-way conversation with your mum or dad. But if they’re willing to listen to you bang on about how much you hate your new boss, it’s not hard to ask how their day was, too. You can ask them bigger things; like if they’re reaching retirement age, what they would actually like in that next stage of their lives. They might have some really cool goals like taking up beekeeping or doing the Inca Trail. At the very least, it’ll probably mean they give you a heads-up on any major plans and don’t just sell up and flee to Spain to ‘Enjoy themselves, finally.’
  5. Don’t just take: if you’re making money now — even if it’s just a bit — this is your chance to show your parents that you appreciate what they’ve done for you financially growing up. Lots of people have to support their parents, sometimes from a young age, but if you’re lucky enough not to be one of them you can still make a contribution. You don’t need to splurge, but offer to buy them a meal once in a while. And it’s not just about money. If you go home to visit, clean up after yourself. Offer to hang out the washing. Unload the dishwasher. It’s easy to revert to being looked after, but you’re grown up enough to know that’s not cool any more.
  6. Be the one to make the effort: this one’s easy. Instead of waiting for them to call you, or organise a visit, give them a ring every now again. (Got a 10-minute walk to the office in the morning? Use it to ring home and keep them in the loop about your life.) Don’t wait for them to ask you to visit or invite themselves to stay with you — find a free weekend in your diary and suggest it yourself. It’s a small thing, but showing you care enough to make the effort will go a long way.
  7. Finally … how to manage a toxic relationship with your parents: not everyone has the kind of family dynamic you see on adverts for breakfast cereal. If your relationship with one or both parents is bad or toxic, you don’t have to manage alone. Website MyHorridParent has a useful list of resources that can help you cope when your relationship is distant, or if things get really bad.

How to eat at a formal dinner (so much cutlery!)

No matter how much you like street food and pub grub, you live in the UK. Which means one day you’ll probably find yourself at a proper dinner with no idea how to behave because tradition is a weird thing and somewhere, a long time ago, some genius thought it would be a good idea to eat with seven different kinds of fork.

Still, we are where we are. Here’s the absolute minimum you need to know:

Some other general advice:

Tips for keeping old friendships strong:

Remember how easy it was when you were younger and you’d see friends in the classroom, other mates at lunchtime, and literally everyone else you knew online on MSN Messenger after school? It’s unlikely that you have that many opportunities to be social now you’re older and busier (and MSN Messenger, alas, is no more). Here are some ways to make sure you keep in touch with the friends who count:

  1. Remember why you like spending time together: if you bonded over the theatre, make that the thing you do every few months.
  2. Manage expectations: there are some friends who you don’t need to see more than once every few months, or even less, so talk about that. Explain that you ‘love how whenever you see each other, you can pick up where you left off’ and remove the pressure.
  3. Make it work around work: even if a friend lives on the other side of a city to you, they might work close by. Find out where their office is, and if it’s convenient, go for lunch every now and again.
  4. Show them you’re thinking about them: texts are great, but if you see something in a shop that reminds you of them (even if it’s a cheap bit of tat), put it in the post. Or take a photo or a screenshot of something funny/poignant and send it on with a message that just says ‘I saw this and thought of you’.
  5. Pick up the phone: so you can’t get time face-to-face? Ring them. A half-hour chat on the phone is way more personal than a text that someone can forget to reply to.
  6. Remember their birthdays: one way of knowing for certain that a friendship is doomed is when you stop congratulating each other on getting older. Write it in your diary, set a reminder, whatever. But don’t be the mate that forgot.

… and knowing when and how to say goodbye to ones you’ve outgrown

In economics, there’s something called the Sunk Cost Fallacy. This happens when you’ve incurred a cost that you won’t be able to get back and which then distorts your thinking. It can mean that you end up making decisions based on how much you’ve invested in something — whether it’s an object or a relationship — rather than its actual value to you today. The Sunk Cost Fallacy makes it very hard to let things go, even when they no longer give you what you want.

It’s the same with people. If you’ve been mates with someone for a decade and grown apart, it’s easy to think that the friendship is a ‘good’ one, and it’ll carry on for the next 40 years. But if, deep down, you know it’s not, it’s time to call it quits. If a friendship is no longer making you happy, or it’s actually making you sad, or if you simply don’t have anything in common with that person any more, it’s okay to let it go. Here’s how you can do that, the nice way:

  1. Let it fizzle out naturally: this happens to everyone; you try over a few months to get a date in to hang out, and it never happens. One of you tries again a few months later, but you never set a date. Leave it here. If one day, you start chatting again, then great. Don’t, however, ghost them by not replying to their texts until they get the point.
  2. Make the excuse: okay, okay, excuses are never nice. But if you genuinely don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, you can go down the route of ‘I’m really busy at work. It would be lovely to see you, but I just don’t have a lot of time at the moment.’
  3. Tell them, straight up: if something has happened that’s made you rethink that person and your friendship with them — and excuses and fizzling out won’t work — then let them know. That’s not to say you can’t be kind, but explaining to someone that you don’t think the two of you hanging out is a great idea because of x, y, or z, is fair enough.

Why — and how — other people have ended friendships:

‘I find it happens when you both keep making plans, but when they don’t happen you don’t feel that bothered. And then you keep making them and they never happen! That’s usually a fairly obvious sign. That, and when you have conversations and more things they say you disagree with/don’t interest you.’

‘If someone doesn’t actually support you or bring you happiness, it’s time to move on.’

‘I had to walk away when the divide between a particular friendship and other areas of my life was becoming too big, and conflict was slowly rearing its head. I wanted to try to fix the problem, even if at heart I wasn’t sure how or what it was. I think changes in our personal situations played a part — moving away, new friends, new relationships. It was a long process, made up of subtle changes. Small remarks or feelings of awkwardness. Eventually it reached a point of no return; it was so hard to finally admit that no more good could come from that friendship for either of us, but it’s important to be honest with yourself. Even if you’ve had a great past together, it doesn’t always equal a great future — that’s the worst bit.’

‘I’ve never done anything as drastic as end a friendship — in my view, this only ever happens after a fallout — but I’ve definitely had friendships where we drifted apart. It’s a case of realising your lives are going in separate directions, and if you haven’t had that urge to meet up, there’s probably a reason. That being said, I have friends I might only see once a year but I’d still class them amongst my best and oldest.’

‘When conversation doesn’t flow like it used to. When spending time with that friend feels awkward rather than awesome. When the jokes that used to make you LOL now make your eyes roll.’

How to do small talk (and end a conversation politely)

Another way to describe adulthood is as a series of semi-awkward situations where you’re introduced to new people and have to talk to them. Whether you’re at the pub or a dinner party, here’s how to start small talk and end it when it dries up:

CONVERSATION STARTERS

If you want to get past the bare bones of small talk, crank it up a notch by asking open-ended questions like ‘How has your day been?’, and offering a few details from your own day. If they mention a film they’ve seen, a place they’ve been, or other titbits, follow up and ask them a few questions — it sounds blindingly obvious, but being curious and asking questions, gently, really is the key to getting a good exchange going. When you meet someone new, it’s easy to spend so much time worrying about what you’ll say next that you don’t really pay that much attention to what they’re on about. Simply listening and following up on their cues is the way to get past any awkwardness.

CONVERSATION ENDERS:

You don’t need to keep a conversation going forever — if you’re ending it because it’s drying up anyway, your conversation buddy will probably be as happy as you are to move on.

Five things you should know about your partner before Getting Serious

It’s all sweetness and light until you find out they can’t sleep without their nightlight on and they want to name their first child after a Star Wars character. Actually, those things are probably manageable. These are The Big Things that you should probably find out about before thinking about sharing a life with someone:

  1. Where they see themselves settling: you might have met in the city, but is that something either of you want later down the line? Do they want to move abroad? Or have they got dreams of moving back home to be near to their family?
  2. If they see children in their future: it seems obvious, but a lot of people avoid talking about whether or not they’d like children because it’s something that screams ‘commitment’ and ‘future’. Yeah, and? If you genuinely think someone might be *drumroll* The One, this will likely be one of the most important conversations you have. Once you’ve leapt that hurdle, find out how they picture themselves raising children, if they want them. Are you a staunch atheist but they want to go to church every week? What about childcare — is it a nanny all the way, or is one of you going to be expected to stay at home with the kids? Don’t make assumptions and end up fighting it out later down the line.
  3. Their goals: it’s important to understand what someone sees on the cards for themselves. Do they want to travel? Do they see themselves committing to their career for another 15 years before they even think about their home life? This is anything big that may leave you on two different paths later down the line.
  4. Their vices: if it’s important to you, find out their views on drugs, smoking, drinking, or anything else you might have concerns about. You might enjoy all of the above, but you might also hate it, and it’s important to understand where that person stands.
  5. Anything big they haven’t told you: this could be anything from their previous dating history to if they are in debt, or if they’ve experienced any major run-ins with bad health. (Or, you know, the law.) Ask them if there’s anything important they think you ought to know, and offer the same information to them.

How to have a frank conversation without it turning into an argument

Hands up who’s bottled something up so tightly that when it’s come to finally addressing it with another person, you bubble up and say things everywhere and at once and turn into an absolute mess, like a bottle of Coke that’s been shaken up way too hard? There is another way:

  1. Work out what’s behind the problem: let’s say, for example, your partner has had friends round on a Saturday night and left a massive mess in the kitchen, and not cleared it up by Sunday afternoon. You’re entitled to be annoyed, but what’s driving that annoyance? Is it that they don’t pull their weight around the house? That they had people round without asking you?
  2. Find the right time to talk about it: that messy flat might be your top concern when you’ve had a long week at work and all you want to do is relax, but having a go first thing at someone who is partly responsible for those 10 empty bottles of wine is probably bad timing. Find a moment when they’re not already feeling sorry for themselves.
  3. Don’t go in all guns blazing: even if you’re angry, shouting at someone will either upset them or make them defensive. Find a way to bring things up calmly: ‘Can I talk to you about something that’s been on my mind?’ is a decent enough way in. Explain the situation, and remember to ask for their thoughts, too.
  4. Watch your language: try to avoid labelling them by saying things like ‘You’re being lazy’ or ‘I think it’s really selfish what you’re doing’. Instead, try to name your own feelings: ‘When I went into the kitchen, I felt really frustrated’, ‘I want to relax in my own space, but the mess makes the house feel chaotic’.
  5. Listen to what they have to say: you might not like to hear it, but you may be at fault somewhere along the line, too. Don’t let them turn the fight onto you, but if they’re making valid points, promise to take them on board.
  6. Decide how to move forward: and do that together. There might be a simple answer (like your partner should have tidied up, and didn’t). But if the solution you’re looking for needs a bit of leg-work (they did all the cleaning last weekend, and didn’t want to do it again), have a calm conversation about what will work for both of you, so this doesn’t become an ongoing problem.
  7. See if they change their behaviour next time: and if they do, show that you noticed and that you appreciate it! Positive reinforcement can be more effective than any argument.

How to fix arguments when they happen

Sure, some of us can be persuaded into forgiveness with a bag of chocolate buttons, but if an argument blows up and you need to sort it out — and want to make it to the pub together afterwards — there’s no one-size-fits-all way to do it. But here’s what other people in actual relationships recommend:

‘Take 15 minutes to yourself to reflect on who’s really in the wrong. If it’s you, just admit it.’

‘Apologise for your part in the argument as soon as possible and move on. Be the bigger person.’

‘Turn the TV off. Phones screen down. Look into each other’s eyes. Remember that no one has died (hopefully).’

‘Remember to be kind and try to understand, even if for that brief moment you’re wondering what on earth is going through their brain! Kindness goes a long way.’

‘For all the times I believe my partner is being irrational, I think of those times when he took the brunt of the “Why didn’t you remember the avocado?!” debates and remember that we all have our moments. You’ve got to try and meet each other halfway.’

‘We often find our arguments are caused by not spending enough time/quality time with each other — cooking together is always our go-to for remedying that.’

‘Never, ever say anything you’ll regret afterwards. It can be so easy to shoot from the hip when you’re angry, but you can’t take back nasty comments.’

… and know when they’re not worth fixing

Ultimately, you can’t fix everything. Not every relationship will be a confetti-shower of success, and you’re entitled to leave at any time. If any of this stuff is going on, it’s time you start thinking about it:

The point is, you don’t need a million reasons, or even one huge one, to end a relationship. If it no longer feels right, and you don’t see that changing, then leave.

How to perfect the polite dump

And now, the fun bit! Okay, joking; dumping someone is one of the most singularly awful things you can do in life, so follow these simple steps to emotional untangling:

  1. Meet somewhere convenient: unless you want to tell them at their house (then run away) or your house (then kick them out), you need to choose a spot that’s not going to humiliate them, but also gives you different routes home. A park is good (also, it’s public, so you can guarantee less of a scene), or a coffee shop if you want more people around. (Note: If you live together, have somewhere you can stay prepared because you can be sure that it’s you who’ll be leaving. Unless it’s your house, of course.)
  2. Be certain: you want to know that as soon as you tell someone it’s over, they’re not going to persuade you back into the relationship that was making you so unhappy.
  3. Don’t give them excuses: everyone who’s ever been broken up with knows that being told ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ translates to ‘It absolutely is you, but I don’t know what else to say’. If it’s not working, be honest, and call it. ‘This isn’t working for me any more’ or ‘We don’t make each other happy enough’ are both legitimate reasons, so feel free to use them.
  4. Handle the friends: if you share a group of mates, the person you’ve just dumped probably won’t want to shout about it. So, tell your close friends you ended things, if you must; everyone else, just explain that it wasn’t working, and ended. That’s it.

If, however, you need to leave an abusive relationship, the above rules won’t apply and it’s important to stay safe. Refuge offer practical advice and support and their freephone national domestic violence helpline is open 24 hours on 0808 2000 247, run in conjunction with Women’s Aid. You can find more information, get help with coming up with a safety plan in order to protect yourself (and your children, if you have any), and think about how to increase your safety in the relationship whether you decide to stay or leave, on the Women’s Aid website. If you are worried about your safety, contact the police right away.

How to split everything up if you’re ending a relationship

As liberating/satisfying/petrifying [delete as appropriate] as it may be to put an end to something that’s not working for you any more, there’s a pyramid of practicality that you’ll have to scale depending on how long you’ve been a couple, and how much of your lives are tied up together. The key is to make this as painless as possible so you can both start moving on (no matter how much you’d like to squabble over unpaid gas and electric bills).

Finances: let’s start with the big one, shall we? Say you’re living together in a rented property and splitting everything down the middle, here’s what you need to do:

  1. If you have a joint savings account, move everything you’ve put into it (and nothing more) back into your personal bank account. Even if you trust each other, it’s better to eliminate any financial casualties now. You can also call the bank and get the account frozen, so that nobody can take out any money until you have both agreed on how to split it.
  2. Decide if either of you is going to stay living in your property. Yes? Work out when the other needs to move out and stop paying rent. No? Serve notice on the property and find out, right away, what fees — if any — you’ll be liable for.
  3. Create a spreadsheet of your current utility outgoings, then decide who is going to deal with which accounts. While you’re doing that, record what is left to pay for each, if you’re getting any refunds, and any additional fees (like if you need to buy yourself out of a TV package). Add the amount of rent that’s left to pay, and anything on top of that — like a fee for a deep clean of your property when you leave. Split that figure fairly, and agree to pay your share by a certain date.
  4. Bought furniture you want to sell? Great. List it now so neither of you needs to cart it around when you move out, and split the profits.
  5. Agree on whose account your flat/house deposit is going back into, and a timescale for that being transferred from one of you to the other. If you know you’re losing any of it, also agree who is getting what percentage of what comes back.

NB: You may feel, given your particular circumstances, that one of you should pay some sort of financial penalty for heartbreak. That’s up to you. But usually it takes two people to cause the problems, so don’t go beating your wallet up. Unless you’ve cheated or done something similar. In which case, you might need to be the bigger (poorer) person.

Belongings: don’t let a four-day stalemate over a three-year-old half-melted spatula be the straw that lost you the TV. You need to get practical, then get packed, so write a list of everything you bought with your own money, and everything you split between you. Decide if there’s anything you really, genuinely want out of this break-up (or — sneaky! — what you can get the most money for), and present those as your ‘Honestly, I don’t mind what you take, but I’d really appreciate it if I could keep hold of the x, y, and z’ side of the bargain. Haggle a bit if you have to, but know where to stop.

Pets: if you were with someone long enough to buy a pet with them, then there’s probably a lot more emotional heavy lifting to do here. But that animal has got to live somewhere, and it’s going to need to be with the person who loves them the most can genuinely look after it. If that’s not you, make peace with it. You can’t take a house rabbit to the office.

Joint accounts: this includes stuff like gym memberships, Netflix, cinema cards, and supermarket points accounts. These are very low on the pyramid of practicality, so don’t make it a priority. But it is, actually, quite important to your general wellbeing. Kat was once unceremoniously chucked off a joint Netflix account halfway through an episode of Suits, and it was one of the more tragic things that happened to her that month. Don’t let that be you.

Friends: the general rule of fairness is that if you brought your friends into the relationship, you should get to leave with them in tow, too. Easier said than done? Sure. So, make some ground rules. Make it clear whether you’re okay with your ex seeing your mates, but not coming to group meet-ups; or if you’re okay to have them there; or if you don’t want them involved with your friends at all. And pass that information on to your friends, too. You might not be able to stop a blossoming bromance, but you can ask that people respect your feelings. Remember: don’t involve other people in a tug of war; it’s not fair on anyone.