1. PAUL

You were proud of me once, Mary. I know it, you’ve told me often enough, and I wish I could see that in your eyes again, see it on your lips. Now it’s over, I can dream of such things and they don’t taste bitter anymore. I don’t want to die a bitter man. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that I couldn’t hack it in the real world, sorry that I left the army, sorry for being a rubbish husband, sorry for hitting you, and most of all I’m sorry that it’s come to this. Hopefully I can explain some of why I act the way I act in this letter. If I make a mess of it, give me the benefit of the doubt where you can. I’m not a bad man and it’s been so lonely without you. It’s even more lonely when you know what you could have had.

I wish I could have told you everything that happened to me out there. It changed me in so many ways and I’m not lying when I say that I was a different bloke by the time I came back. Your view of life changes, you’re not a kid anymore, and first of all I thought it made me strong but it’s a kind of poison. It was a relief to get out of that nightmare, but everything seemed trivial. It was like I’d seen how life really was and the nice comfortable existence at 13 Charles Street was fucking fake, just covering over the cracks. The wolves are always at the door, Mary. That much I’m sure about. There is evil in the world, I’ve seen it with my own eyes, and now I’m gone, I won’t be able to protect you from it. That breaks my heart, and you need to be careful about who you trust from now on. Someone will take my place, I’m sure someone will take my place, and although I hate the cunt, I hope he protects you as well as I protected you.

I’m sorry the way I treated you. I’ve tried to work out why it happened and at first I thought it was some kind of chemical imbalance, so I couldn’t control myself, but that’s making excuses. I think I do resent how easy your life is. I resent how easy women have it in general. Not that I want you to see the shit I saw, but I think you know what I mean. I wish my life was as simple as yours is. Even that house – do you know what I’ve had to do to make the mortgage payments? You don’t want to know.

The captain warned me it would be difficult to acclimatize. He said leaving the army and going home would feel like going to a foreign country. I didn’t know what he meant at first, because I’d come home between tours before and there hadn’t been the same problem. We argued, yeah, of course, but all married couples argue. It shows how much they care. But he was right. This time, knowing there was no safety net if things went wrong, I felt trapped. So at first it was okay because the post office was still there, Gerry at the newsagents, that mad fuck that walks up and down the main road all day; everything was still in its place. I was still the local hero, of course. You treated me like a hero for at least a week! Then it all went downhill. But it wasn’t all my fault, you know? I don’t think you tried as hard as you could. When you saw me falling apart, maybe you could have been a bit more forgiving. Nobody is perfect, not even you.

I think you deserve to know how bad it got out there at the end. I saw three of my friends die, two men and one woman, John, Andy and Jackie. My age. One day I was talking to them and then the next day they were dead. I didn’t see it happen, but I saw them carted through the street in pieces, Mary. How can you see life the same after that? If they can die like that, anyone can die like that. I couldn’t sleep properly for a month. I got stuff stuck in my head, how Liam and Grace could be walking around and suddenly, boosh, they’re dead, their heads all over the floor. It sounds stupid, I know it sounds stupid, terrorists don’t regard Barnsley as a big target, but it got stuck in my head and I kept on playing it over and over. That’s what was inside my head all those times you asked me. I couldn’t enjoy anything after that. I couldn’t even enjoy holding them and kissing them because I thought it would be the last time I saw them. That’s the fucked up thing. The army made me into a better man, one you could love, one that Grace and Liam could look up to, but it’s also ruined me. Death is everywhere, Mary. All you have to do is stop and you’ll see it everywhere. Nothing is really alive, not if you look at it closely enough.

Mary, I can’t believe I hit you. I don't understand why it happened and it broke my heart. I’m thick and I’m a thug. I thought you’d cured me but my temper, my temper. I’m a knucklehead. You remember that film Frankenstein? That’s what I’m like. I’m quiet inside most of the time but sometimes I get frustrated or angry and I just swing with my hands because that’s how I solve things. It’s okay if it’s someone in a pub and they need to be sorted out, but I know it’s out of order anywhere else. I know what I did was out of order. Thanks for not telling them about it.

Oh, I love you so much Mary and I love you Grace and I love you little Liam. I can’t believe that I’m never going to see you again but I hate what I’ve become and I can’t change. I know that’s the truth. No matter how much I’ve tried this last year to straighten myself out, I can’t change and you were right to leave me. This has nothing to do with any of you. I’m a failure. I’m THE failure of ALL TIME for letting you down. One day, Liam, Grace, when you’re old enough, your mother will show you this letter and I hope that it’ll make you understand who I am. I hope it helps. I know you’ll hurt for a long time, but I want you to know none of this has nothing to do with you. You were the angels that kept me alive this long and you’re the angels that will keep me safe when I’m gone. You’re my heroes. You’re going to have brilliant lives, full of love and success. I know it.

I hope you can forgive me. I don’t want your last memory of me to be stumbling around in the garden late at night shouting up at your windows like some clown or drunk sitting at the breakfast table shouting at your mother. If you could only see my soul as clearly as see it now. It doesn’t shout. It’s the quietest, shyest soul that ever was born. Me shouting is like a siren going off. It’s a warning that my wires are crossed somewhere, that I’m not me anymore.

I went to a lawyer a few days to make sure there wouldn’t be any down side to you when I’m gone. I think he knew what I was going to do but he said that it was my own business. Either that or he thought I was one of those guys who gets into an accident for an insurance payout! I wish I could afford some life insurance but I’m not sure I’m clever enough to fool them. I reckon in a recession they probably look at a lot closer at situations like mine.

Thing was – as I was leaving the office, I thought: he’s the first person I’ve ever talked to about this, the first time I’ve ever made plans out loud, which means I’m going to do it, it’s real, it’s really real. This note means it’s over. I wonder if it would have changed anything if he had asked me to reconsider my decision, asked me if there was some other way. Ha. I confessed to a lawyer. That’s just my fucking luck.

I’m trying to remember the exact point where this went wrong for me, but it’s hard to track it back. What happened in the army was one thing and then leaving under the cloud, that was bad, but I was ready to start again. That was a trigger point, just like losing my job soon after was a trigger point. I need to get it right in my own mind.

No, though. I was grinning when I punched that bastard. Maybe it’s a bit too late to give you a moral lesson, Grace, Liam, but never be scared to walk out on anything that makes you sick every day. I used to have panic attacks on the way to that office job. I would be sitting in the back of the bus completely normal and it would hit me that I would have to go through it again, look him in the eyes and lie to him while he mocked me, while he called me names in front of the other guys, all for nothing, a few crumbs he flicked off the table. I would punch him even harder if I had to do it again, just like those boxing machines at the amusement arcade, just to see another part of his face crack open.

No, I was happy when I left that job. No-one ever did themselves in over a job anyhow, or if they did they’re a mug anyhow. Maybe those people who fit into their jobs so perfectly that you don’t know they’re working, like doctors or clowns.

I’ve been a bit wrong since ma died, I think. That was the start, probably, Mary. Dad died when I was young, as you know, and as much as I try to remember something, anything, about him, I can’t scrape anything out of my useless brain that I can use. So there was only ever ma. I know I sound like a coward, but she believed in me no matter what I ever did or didn’t do and never judged me. She was like a power source, a giant battery I could plug myself back into if ever I felt was going wrong. When she went, I didn’t feel I could fight in the same way. So what if I got knocked back for a couple of other jobs? Happens to everyone. So what if I lied to the tax man? Everyone lies when it comes to money. It wasn’t that any of those things happened to me. It was that I couldn’t fight back anymore. I wasn’t a bad man. I didn’t murder anyone or steal the crown jewels or touch kids. My real crime was being a bit hopeless without my ma looking out for me. Oh fuck. I think I’m going to cry.

None of this is any criticism of you. You’re a great mother and I know that Liam and Grace will turn out perfectly. But I needed someone just to tell me everything was going to be okay.

I’m not religious. I know I’m not going to see her again. I wish I could. I wish all the things they tell you when you’re a kid were true but if everyone was rich then no-one would be rich and if we were all dying and going to a nice place heaven would be pretty damn crowded and full of strangers. No, I know where I’m going, straight into the ground and no fucking re-runs.

No, she’s not the reason for this, not the real reason. But she would have picked up from the floor, dusted me off and set back on my way. If I close my eyes, I can even visualise her doing it. I’m going because I know it’s for the best. If I stay, I’ll only make things worse. There are people who would harm me and if they weren’t able to harm me, might come after you. I couldn’t protect you.

To Grace and Liam: Be good to your mother. She’s perfect, other than marrying me! She was fooled by my good looks into thinking I had the right stuff, that I was a superhero. That’s probably why I became a soldier, I wanted to keep on fooling her. I was pretty handsome in my uniform. There’s pictures up in a suitcase in the attic if you want to go looking for me one day.

To Mary: is there any way in which you could not tell them what I’ve done? Not until they’re older, I mean. The police will probably tell you some of the mad stuff I’ve been involved in over the last four months, sleeping rough in the forest, getting arrested, losing a lot of money on the horses, that kind of mad shit. I did briefly work at an all night garage and things looked like they might turn around, but then they gave my job to a Paki. Lovely bloke, Safdar, got on really well with him while he was working part time, but you know how they favour their own when the chips are down.

My heart was in the right place, but if you were to put a value on my life right now, it would probably be less than zero. That’s how much I’m worth. Better I go. I don’t deserve your love, Mary, I don’t, but if you still love me a little bit, try and remember the best bits.

Do you know, I have these weird dreams since I decided to do it where all of the bad stuff has been burned away. You and me are sitting around outside in the park and it’s golden, the whole thing is coloured gold, we’re made of gold, and it’s all perfect. The outside world is completely quiet so we can’t hear anything, not even the bad thoughts in our heads. Problem is I wake up. I always wake up and I cry and I can’t leave my bed because I know it’ll never be that beautiful again. A man of my age shouldn’t cry, shouldn’t ever cry.. But it would be wonderful to turn the clock back and start again. I know we’ve tried before but this is different. Would you turn the clock back with me? Wake up and find ourselves back in the first minute of our marriage? I’ll do it if you’ll do it. Make it golden again.

 

I’m sorry, that’s all. I love you.

 

Paul