SUNLIGHT filtered through the blinds on Kirsten’s bedroom window and played softly over the room. She heard the birds singing outside and the faint sound of music coming from somewhere and for a while she lay there without opening her eyes.
Kirsten couldn’t remember the last time she had felt this good…this happy. Her whole body was tingling with a feeling of well-being. She stretched sleepily and moved so that she could cuddle in against Cal, her hand reaching out for him. But she was reaching into an empty space. She opened her eyes and looked across at the other side of the bed. Cal was gone.
She sat up and looked around the room, but she was on her own. The clock on the bedside table said nine-thirty. Kirsten hadn’t slept this late in ages, but it was no wonder after the blissful exertions of the night. Cal had brought her to the heights of ecstasy more than once before they had fallen asleep locked in each other’s arms.
Just thinking about it now made her heart flip with sensual desire.
She forced her mind away from their lovemaking for a moment and thought about the conversation they’d had about Bethany. She was glad they had talked about that. She felt renewed…at peace with herself about what had happened for the first time in two years.
Now all she had to do was make some sense of her turbulent feelings for Cal.
Her thoughts in that department were so muddled that she couldn’t begin to start untangling them. Just remembering his body against hers sent shivers of wonder racing through her.
It had been an incredible night, so much tenderness and passion…yet not one word of love, she reminded herself, and frowned. What did she expect? Of course there had been no words of love… Cal didn’t love her and she…well, she was long over that particular emotion.
Suddenly she remembered Cal telling her last night that he was very fond of her. She didn’t know why that should upset her now. It hadn’t seemed to matter at the time, because she had been so distraught and distracted and he had been so gentle and wonderful…
Oh, God…had she thrown herself at him? she wondered suddenly.
She remembered him pulling back from her for just one moment as he paused to think about what they were doing. When she analysed it now, she knew that was what he had been doing, Cal always thought everything through. In the heat of any moment he was always controlled…it was one of the things that she had always liked about him. Where she acted impulsively, he was level-headed.
He’d certainly been thinking clearly when they made love. He’d even checked with her that it was what she wanted before going the whole way…she had almost begged him to continue.
And they hadn’t used any contraception.
Idiot! Total, foolish idiot! she berated herself fiercely, hardly able to believe her own stupidity.
Kirsten flung the bedclothes back, so angry with herself that she couldn’t bear even to think about it a moment longer.
She went through to the bathroom to shower. Even standing under the heavy flow of water, she couldn’t wash away the panic of her thoughts. Had Cal assumed that she was on the Pill when she had asked him to continue…?
The thought of facing Cal settled like a heavy weight around her. She felt embarrassed and foolish and she didn’t know what she was going to say to him. But the sooner she faced him the better, she told herself, stepping out of the warm water and reaching for a towel.
A little while later, dressed in a pair of faded denim jeans and a pink T-shirt and wearing a lot more make-up than usual to cover the pallor of her skin, Kirsten made her way downstairs.
The music she had been able to hear in her bedroom was her mother’s radio, which was blaring out to an empty kitchen.
‘Mum…?’ Kirsten put her head around the door to the lounge. There was no one in there either. The room was neat and tidy, the cushions placed back where they should be on the settee.
Kirsten retraced her steps to the kitchen and then noticed the note propped up against the kettle.
Taken your father into town for his check-up. Cal is outside doing a few jobs for us—will you bring him a cup of coffee? See you later.
Love, Mum.
She put the note down and glanced out of the kitchen window. Sure enough, Cal was down by the jetty. He was chopping wood, working without pausing, throwing the neatly cut blocks into a pile beside Candy, who was sitting watching him.
Kirsten flicked on the kettle and got two mugs out of the cupboard. What could she say to him about last night? She rehearsed a few lines in her mind; all of them sounded wrong.
Deciding to wing it and see what he said first, she poured the coffee and brought his outside.
All the rain and mist of yesterday had melted away into a glorious spring day; a warm breeze ruffled the silky blue of the ocean and rustled through the trees.
Cal was sitting on an upturned log with his back to her, looking out over the ocean. She thought at first he was just having a rest, but as she came closer she realised he was talking to someone on his mobile phone.
‘How does it feel to be back in sunny California?’ he asked, and then laughed at whatever the reply had been. ‘Well, I’m glad you’re back.’
Who was he talking to? Kirsten wondered, stopping just a few feet away from him. She should have alerted him to her presence because he obviously hadn’t heard her, but something…probably nosiness, made her hesitate.
‘When are you arriving in San Francisco? Really? Well, I can’t wait. You’ve got my address there, haven’t you?’ Again he gave that low, husky, sensual laugh that turned Kirsten’s insides to jelly. He had to be talking to a woman.
‘Is Brian coming with you?’ he asked, and suddenly Kirsten knew all too clearly whom Cal was speaking to.
‘Well, that’s a bit of good news. OK, Maeve, I’ll look forward to it.’
If it was good news then obviously Brian wasn’t coming, Kirsten thought derisively, and then hated herself for giving a damn.
She took a step backwards, and Candy looked up and bounded over to say hello, making Cal glance around.
He smiled at her gently and stood up. ‘Listen, I’m going to have to go,’ he said to Maeve. ‘Yeah…sure, we’ll do that.’
Cal snapped the mobile closed and walked over to Kirsten. He looked extremely sexy this morning, she noted. Yet he was only dressed casually in denim jeans and a blue shirt, the sleeves rolled back in an attempt to keep him cool.
‘Good morning,’ he drawled lazily. ‘Or should I say, good afternoon?’
‘It’s not that late.’ She tried to keep her composure, but when she met his blue eyes all she could think about was last night.
‘I’m sorry I interrupted your phone conversation.’
‘That’s OK, it was just a friend,’ he said easily.
‘No one I’d know, then?’ she asked casually.
Cal just smiled. ‘More to the point, how are you this morning?’
He wasn’t about to tell her who it was. Maybe because he suspected she knew the truth…that Maeve was much more than just a friend.
It’s none of your business any more, Kirsten reminded herself angrily.
She was really glad she had left her hair loose, and that the breeze caught hold of it at that moment, ruffling it slightly over her face. She had never felt more discomfited, more like hiding herself away.
‘I’m OK. I brought you a coffee.’ She held the drink out to him like some kind of barricade that she wanted to keep between them.
‘Thanks.’
As he reached to take it from her their fingers touched and she felt her heart slamming against her chest, confirming the lie that she was OK…she was far from that.
She needed to say something about last night to cover her embarrassment, but what?
‘It’s a lovely morning, isn’t it?’ she heard herself say lightly.
He smiled.
‘Have I said something amusing?’ she asked, distracted by the glint of humour in his eyes.
‘No…just sometimes you sound very English…they always talk about the weather, don’t they, to cover all gaps in the conversation?’
She smiled. He was right, she was stalling; she’d rather talk about anything right now than the minefield of last night. She took a deep breath, and, unable to bear the tension inside her a moment longer, blurted out, ‘Listen, about last night…’
It was only after she had spoken that she realised that he had said the exact same thing at the same time.
Their eyes met and he grinned ruefully. ‘Sorry…you go first.’
Why hadn’t she kept her big mouth closed and let him do the talking? she asked herself wretchedly.
‘Well…’ She averted her eyes from his gaze. ‘I just wanted to say that last night…last night was…I was upset…and you were very comforting…’ Hell, did that sound as pathetic as she thought it did?
She risked a glance up at him and he met her gaze with a raised eyebrow. ‘Comforting?’ he repeated sardonically.
‘Yes…’
He sipped his coffee and looked so coolly collected that she felt even more on edge. She longed for him to say something, be a gentleman and help her out of this. ‘Anyway…’ she continued when he said nothing. ‘It was good that we were able to talk—’
‘Yes, it was.’ He interrupted her at last, his voice low and husky. ‘And what happened between us was extremely pleasurable; it brought back a lot of happy memories of the way we used to be together.’
‘Yes, well, one thing we always had in abundance was passion,’ she said uneasily.
He frowned. ‘You say that with a hint of contempt in your voice, but surely passion is the one great ingredient of any relationship—’
‘Not…not on its own,’ she cut across him fiercely.
She waited for him to deny that…but he didn’t. Maybe she should respect him for that, she told herself; at least he wasn’t trying to pretend that last night had anything to do with love…he wasn’t that big a hypocrite.
Desperately she tried to maintain her pride and at the same time remain sensible. ‘Look, I meant what I said last night…about being sorry…you know, for what I said about your feelings and Bethany…’ She struggled to gather her thoughts and looked up at him, her eyes filled with earnest entreaty. ‘And…and I’m glad we talked about it. We needed some closure on all that pain.’
‘Yes, we did.’
She nodded. ‘I think it helped…I’m hoping we can put all that…stuff behind us now?’
He looked around and she realised he was going to put the cup down somewhere. She didn’t want him to do that…if he reached to give her a hug or touched her in any way she didn’t know how she would handle it.
Hastily she took a step backwards from him. ‘I think we should just look at last night as a final period of mourning. We were both a bit emotional…it was that, Cal, that…fired what happened. But we’ve made our peace and now we need to get on with the future. You’ve got…’ She nodded to the mobile phone in his shirt pocket, unable even to say a name. ‘You’ve got women queuing up for you, I’m sure. And I have to think about…what I want.’
‘And what do you want?’ Cal asked her very quietly.
‘Well…’ She really struggled now. The truth was, right at this moment she hadn’t got a clue what she wanted. All she needed was to escape with some pride intact, but how could she do that and at the same time tell him there was nothing serious in her life? ‘Jason and I are going to meet up next week and—’
‘Jason?’ Cal frowned. ‘Look, Kirsten…I think Jason’s a mistake.’
‘Really?’ Kirsten stared at him. How dared he say that to her? What right had he to preach about mistakes when he was in love with a married woman?
‘Well, I don’t know where you’re coming from on that. Jason’s single, and he cares a lot about me.’ She shrugged. ‘But frankly, Cal, it’s none of your damn business,’ she said bluntly.
‘Look, I’m only saying this because I care about you.’
‘Well, don’t.’
‘Don’t what? Care what happens to you? Or say something?’
‘Both.’ Her voice trembled precariously. She didn’t want a man who just ‘cared’ about her. Who was ‘fond’ of her.
‘I have to say something, Kirsten. OK, maybe last night was…down to us getting emotional…we got carried away. Maybe I should have stopped. But I didn’t.’
She didn’t say anything to that. The truth was, she could have stopped him, should have stopped him. But instead she had thrown herself at him.
‘What happens if you’re pregnant?’ he asked suddenly.
She stared at him, the question making her heart hammer against her chest fiercely.
He threw his coffee away onto the grass and put the cup down. ‘Look, Kirsten.’ There was an expression of determination suddenly in Cal’s eyes, and he took a step forward. ‘If you are pregnant—’
She moved back so hastily from him she nearly fell over on the uneven grass. ‘I’m not!’
He reached out and caught hold of her arm, steadying her. The grip of his hand seemed to burn through her skin. ‘You don’t know that for sure. We got carried away, Kirsten, and we need to face up to that now.’
‘Yes, we got carried away.’ She repeated his words numbly. ‘It’s a mistake I’ll think about if…and when I have to. Until then I suggest we just treat it as if it never happened.’
She turned away from him, tears stinging her eyes.
Cal was going to follow her back into the house, and then changed his mind. Instead he turned and picked up the axe again.
He’d made a damn mess of that, he thought angrily. All the theories he’d had about getting Kirsten to open up to him and talk about the past had just backfired in his face.
She had said they should look on last night as closure.
Closure on the pain of the past was definitely what he wanted, but he had hoped it would herald the start of a new beginning, not signal the end. He struck through the pieces of wood with more venom than was strictly necessary.
Maybe he’d rushed things too much. He’d always been too damn impatient for his own good. Maybe talking about the past had made Kirsten think about the future and she had decided she was in love with Jason?
‘Jason and I are meeting next week.’ Her words drummed through him. Jason wasn’t right for her and he’d prove it to her if it was the last thing he did, he thought, smashing through another piece of wood.
When Kirsten went back into the house she was so upset she didn’t know what to do with herself. She snapped off the cheerful, inane music coming from the radio and paced around the kitchen for a moment before going out into the hallway and picking up the telephone. She’d ring Chloe, she thought. What she needed right now was a good dose of her friend’s cheerful common sense.
But Chloe wasn’t in and all she got was her own voice on the answering machine. She hung up and on impulse started to phone Jason. Halfway through dialling, she hung up. She didn’t want to speak to Jason; what she wanted to do was go outside and throw herself into Cal’s arms.
But that wasn’t an option, she told herself fiercely. Cal didn’t love her. And if she threw herself at him again…let’s face it, the way she had last night…she would be going back full circle, making the same mistake she’d made three years ago.
She remembered reading somewhere that life was a test. That you were sent through it to learn your lesson and until you did you were forced to go back, making the same mistakes again and again.
Well, she’d learnt her lesson, she told herself shakily, and she had learnt it the hard way…she couldn’t go back and open herself up to that heartache again. She wouldn’t be pregnant, she told herself sternly. And if she was then she’d face that challenge on her own, not in a loveless relationship.
The sound of her parents’ car drawing up outside was a welcome relief. She’d think about everything later, she told herself fiercely.
Kirsten’s parents persuaded them to stay and have some lunch before setting off for San Francisco. They were in an ebullient mood as they returned from town. The results of her father’s latest tests showed that he was making a good recovery, and the relief that they all felt was palpable in the atmosphere, successfully masking the tension that lay between Kirsten and Cal.
‘They think it’s the medication and the fact that I’ve been doing what I’m told,’ Robert said jovially. ‘But really it’s the love of a good woman that’s fixing me up.’
‘Please, Bob, you’re making me feel quite embarrassed,’ Lynn said. ‘If you come out with any more slushy lines like that I’m going to really start worrying about you.’
Despite the no-nonsense tone, Kirsten saw the look of happiness in her mother’s eyes as she got up from the dining-room table.
Her parents were like different people today, she thought. It was amazing how a piece of good news could make you look better; her father actually appeared stronger already.
She glanced across the table at Cal. Since she had left him outside he had been busy all morning. Considering the fact that they didn’t get much in the way of cold weather, there were enough logs in the shed now to see her parents through two years, and he had fixed the bolt on the back door as well. She watched as he laughed at one of her father’s jokes and something inside her twisted and curved out of all recognition.
Cal glanced up and caught her eye. I’m still in love with him, she thought suddenly.
The reality struck her bodily like some kind of an electric shock from absolutely nowhere. Her first instinct was denial. She didn’t love him…she was over him. What the hell was the matter with her?
He smiled at her gently and it was as if someone had closed a gate on her, trapping her with no other way to go. She did love him! She’d always loved him! Her heart froze and then raced as cold and hot waves of fear and panic struck into her.
Was it only a few hours ago that she had been reassuring herself that she had learnt her lesson about Cal? And yet here she was, admitting she loved him! Loving Cal had led to such heartache; she couldn’t go through that again…she just couldn’t.
‘Well, I suppose we should be on our way,’ he said suddenly.
She nodded. She definitely wanted to get away, but not with Cal; she wanted to run away from him in the opposite direction as far as she could get.
As Kirsten said goodbye to her mother she noticed her dad taking Cal to one side.
She strained her ears to hear what it was they said but to no avail.
‘Take care,’ Lynn said reaching to give her a hug. ‘And give Cal another chance,’ she whispered against her ear before she released her.
She didn’t have any time to answer that because Cal had come over. ‘Thanks for everything, Lynn,’ he said, reaching to give her a hug.
How easy they are around each other, Kirsten thought, watching. How warm and natural.
How could she give Cal another chance when, by the sounds of that phone call she had overheard this morning, things were just the same between him and Maeve?
Maybe it suited Cal to compartmentalise his life. Have a mistress on one hand for excitement and love…and a partner on the other to fill in the gaps and provide a family…but it certainly didn’t suit her.
The very idea was abhorrent to her. She couldn’t survive in a triangle relationship like that. It was all or nothing for her.
Her father came over and hugged her tightly. ‘’Bye, sweetheart; you take care of each other, you hear?’
‘Do you want me to drive, Kirsten?’ Cal asked as they made their way outside towards the car.
She was going to say no and then with a shrug she handed the keys over. She’d done enough driving yesterday and she felt she needed to just switch off now.
The last glimpse they had of her parents was as they stood arm in arm waving them goodbye from the porch.
‘At least it was good news for your dad this morning,’ Cal remarked as he turned the car onto the open road. ‘I told you he was made of strong stuff.’
‘Yes, it’s a relief.’ She watched Cal’s hands on the steering wheel, strong and capable, and remembered them on her body, remembered taking them and putting them over her breasts, inviting his caresses, begging him to continue making love to her.
She closed her eyes on a red-hot wave of desire.
‘Are you tired?’ Cal looked around at her.
‘A bit…’ she lied.
‘Listen, Kirsten, about this morning—’
‘Let’s just leave that well alone, Cal,’ she said immediately. ‘I think we both said too much.’
He inclined his head. ‘You’re probably right.’
‘We should go through those notes that Theo gave us.’ She forced herself to sound businesslike.
‘I think we’ll forget about them,’ Cal said drily. ‘At least until tomorrow.’
Kirsten looked across at him with a raised eyebrow. ‘Excuse me, but did I just hear the great perfectionist himself sound half-hearted about his homework?’ she tried to joke. ‘That’s not like you?’
‘Isn’t it?’ Cal’s voice was coolly indifferent. ‘Perhaps you don’t know me as well as you think you do.’
Kirsten frowned and looked away from him out at the passing scenery. She knew him well enough, she told herself firmly. She knew he was in love with a woman who would only bring him heartache. Maeve didn’t really love him; if she did she could never stay married to Brian, no matter how it helped her career.
They drove the rest of the way in silence.
Kirsten must have fallen asleep because she was startled when Cal reached out and touched her arm.
‘Kirsten, we’re here. We’re in San Francisco.’
She looked up to see that he was pulling the car to a halt outside a row of terrace houses.
‘Is this where I’m to stay?’ She looked over towards the terrace of waterfront houses.
‘Yep, that’s it.’ He pointed to the middle house. It was painted white with grey shutters on the windows and looked like an old-fashioned doll’s house.
‘I’ll get your luggage.’ Cal got out and went around the back of the car. ‘You go and let yourself in.’
Kirsten picked up her handbag and found the front-door key and then, lifting Theo’s notes, she climbed out of the car.
Daylight was starting to fade now and the lights on the bay twinkled in a rosy pink glow of sunset. She could hear the clanging musical noise of the cable cars coming from the end of the road as she opened the gate in the white picket fence and walked up the path to the front door.
She smiled as she noticed the mat saying ‘Home Sweet Home’. Quickly she pushed her key in the lock and walked in. It took a moment to find the light switch and then the darkness was replaced by warm subdued lighting that reflected on polished wooden floors and beautiful antique furniture.
‘Is it OK?’ Cal followed her into the lounge a moment later.
‘It’s more than OK,’ she told him, stroking a loving hand over a writing bureau as she moved to look through a doorway into a very stylish white kitchen. ‘I might never want to leave this place.’
Cal smiled. ‘Shall I take your suitcase upstairs for you?’
‘Thanks.’ She followed him back out to the hall and up the narrow stairs.
There were two bedrooms, each very cosily and simply decorated in a modern style. ‘I expected the studio to put me in a serviceable apartment. This place is lovely,’ Kirsten said in astonishment.
‘Well, they like to look after their leading ladies,’ Cal said with a grin as he put her suitcase in the master bedroom at the front of the house.
Kirsten moved past him to look out of the window. ‘I’ve even got a view of the bay!’
‘Well, after commandeering your bedroom first last night, I though the least I could do was give you the best room tonight.’
‘What do you mean?’ Kirsten whirled around to look at him. ‘Where exactly are you staying…?’
‘Why, the smaller room across the corridor, of course.’
‘You are joking?’
‘No.’ He shrugged. ‘You don’t think the studio would splash out and put you in here all on your own, do you?’
‘Do you know, for one wild moment I thought they had,’ she said sardonically. ‘Silly me! Why would they do something as decent as that when they can make us double up and get such wonderful PR mileage out of it?’
‘Why, indeed?’ For a second Cal grinned at her.
‘Well, it’s just an impossible situation. You realise that, don’t you?’
‘No.’ Cal shrugged. ‘Why is it an impossible situation? We’ll be out working most of the day anyway.’
‘That’s not the point, Cal.’
‘Isn’t it?’ His mobile phone rang and he turned away, answering it as he went downstairs. ‘Oh, hi; yes, I’m in town now…’
Who was that? she wondered, sinking down onto the bed beside her. Another woman waiting for him in the wings?
She buried her head in her hands as she tried to think clearly. It was only the fact that she was tired, short of money and in a town she didn’t know that well that stopped her from picking up her bag and walking out of here to a hotel.
‘Kirsten, do you want a sandwich or something? The fridge is well stocked,’ Cal called up the stairs to her.
‘No, I don’t, thank you,’ she yelled back.
‘OK…well, do you want first shower or shall I? There’s only one bathroom, remember?’
If someone up in heaven was playing a joke on her, then she didn’t think this was very funny, she thought as she got up from the bed. ‘Yes, I’ll have the first shower,’ she replied, before slamming her bedroom door closed.
Tomorrow she was getting in contact with the studio, with the producer, with the highest authority she could find, and asking them to move her out of here, she told herself firmly.