To the Kid Who Thinks He Looks Like Keanu,

Did someone send you from some heartless, evil planet to come destroy my life!? Who on earth (my native planet) do you think you are, Matt Bloom??

At every turn you have taken my life off course. Every single turn!!

I asked ya to transfer schools. Is that really so much to ask a life-destroyer?!

I swear to god it’s as if your life before South High was spent plotting a way to ruin mine. One can’t help but think you are in cahoots with people to just . . . what? Wipe me out? Well, wiped out I am. I am tired. Oh so very tired, Matt, but I will not be stopped. I will win this chess game. Yeah, for a minute there the ball was in your court, Kid, but now . . . now you don’t even have a court!

Not sure if you’re aware that because of you I have lost my best friend. You aware of that? Huh? Because of you I am staying with a boyfriend that is cheating on me. I have to wear a friggin’ claddagh ring from a cheating boyfriend because of you, Matt.

So let’s just cut to the center of this Tootsie Pop, k? Enough with your ridiculous “I’m so private . . . Stacey and I are such private people” nonsense. You’re at South High, Matt. The place where a giant Freshman girl who works at a candy shop found a note and nearly killed my lifelong-built reputation. Nothing is private in this joke of a town. NOTHING. So stop fronting like you’re this super sacred person.

How long have you and Stacey been goin’ out? Did you become official boyfriend/girlfriend and then start sleeping together or did you start sleeping together first and then become boyfriend/girlfriend? Are you goin’ to Prom together and have you already rented a tux? Knowin’ you I bet you’ve already picked out your cummerbund. Doin’ a solid color, Matt, or a more actorly one with paisleys? Huh?

You think I have the time to deal with all this? Well, I don’t. I’m packing my bags for Nashville, and I am goin’ to clear my head (some of us meditate, Matt), and I am gonna win everything at Nationals. EVERYTHING!!

You’d better answer me, Matt. You owe me that much. I will review your note on the plane, and when I return to this town a winner I will take action.

Write Back or Else,

Tara