No?” Red repeated, still unable to believe his ears. He didn’t know why he’d even asked her the question. He knew where she stood regarding children, but her answer still surprised the hell out of him. “Are you serious?”
Calisa fidgeted under his glare. “I know you don’t understand this, but no. I probably wouldn’t tell you.”
Red was a damn good litigator and a professional negotiator. He’d successfully represented corporations and won multi-million dollar lawsuits. But, right then, standing there looking at the beautiful, brown-skinned woman who seemed to always keep him on his toes… he was speechless.
Of course, he knew that they had an informal arrangement between them. No expectations. No love. But never in a million years would he have imagined that she would be standing before him admitting that if she was pregnant with his child, she wouldn’t tell him—especially since she knew about everything he’d been going through. And considering they were friends.
“Red?”
The sound of her voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Anger came next and he embraced it. “I guess I’m surprised.” He drew in a steady, slow breath. “You’re well aware of everything I’m going through trying to find my daughter, but you’d keep a pregnancy from me.”
Not too long ago, a woman from his past had shown up on his doorstep to let him know that he’d fathered her six-year-old daughter. It wasn’t the best news he’d ever received, but after the initial shock he’d agreed to a DNA test. Once the results were back he knew he was the father, but she was gone. Red had exhausted every lead, looked under every rock to find his little girl, to no avail. He’d been beside himself trying to find them because he couldn’t conceive of having a child in the world and not knowing her.
He’d just come from a meeting with the private investigator he’d hired and was discouraged by the lack of information about his baby girl. His mood had gone from bad to worse earlier, when the PI had told him that it was possible they’d never find his little girl, Corrine. The conversation with Cali wasn’t making it better.
Maybe it was unreasonable to be so irritated about a hypothetical scenario. It was obvious by the unopened box that Cali hadn’t believed she was pregnant with his baby. But her cavalier attitude was getting to him more than anything, making his blood boil hotter by the minute. Sure, he knew her stance on children, but he’d thought they were better than that. He thought he deserved more from her.
“Red, I know what you’ve gone through to find Corrine. Believe me, I can see that it’s taken a toll on you.” She walked away from him, toward the living room.
“So why would you keep a pregnancy from me?” he asked, following her.
“It’s not the same thing.” She stopped and slowly turned to face him. “Being pregnant with your baby is not the same as me having your baby and disappearing without giving you a chance to know it. You know that.” Turning on her heel, she headed toward the kitchen.
“I thought I knew you.” Red grabbed her arm. “Stop walking away from me.” He spun her around to face him.
“I said I wouldn’t tell you,” she said, her voice thick with… tears?
Hurt. He’d hurt her and the guilt threatened to replace the anger that was fueling him. Almost. Calisa wasn’t the type to show vulnerability. And Red was an asshole on a good day. It worked for them because she wasn’t the cry-at-the-drop-of-a-dime woman that he avoided at all costs. She could give as good as she got.
“That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t know,” she continued. She took a deep breath. “Your sister is my best friend.”
“Syd?” Red balled his hands into fists. He tried to reason with himself to let this go, but he couldn’t help but take his sour mood out on her. He was frustrated with life, with her, with… everything. “You would tell my sister and not me. How the hell should I feel about that?”
“I guess this is the moment that I tell you that I don’t give a damn how you feel. You asked me, and I told you.” Cali seemed to suck up all the emotion that had bubbled to the surface a few moments earlier, which helped Red because he could continue to nurse his own anger. “Besides, why are we even talking about this? It’s not even a possibility. Obviously, you’re trying to pick a fight with me. I have no idea why, but you’re getting on my nerves.”
Red rolled his neck to relieve the tension that set into his shoulders. The silence seemed to stretch on. “I thought we were better than this.” The fact that they weren’t frustrated the hell out of him.
“Apparently not.”
“What’s wrong with you?” he roared, gripping her wrist.
She yanked herself free and backed away. “Nothing.”
“I’m not sure why you don’t get how fucked it would’ve been if you were pregnant and didn’t tell me.”
“I’m not pregnant! I’m glad, too!” she yelled. “It would have saved me from the unfortunate position of telling you that I don’t want your baby.”
Once again she’d rendered him speechless, and it irritated him to no end. But he was also extremely attracted to her when she was angry. Torn between storming out and pinning her against the wall, he glared at her. The anger he’d felt earlier turned inward. Had he turned into that guy? He wondered why he could even look at her and feel the overwhelming attraction that he did. Because I’m a punk?
He stepped closer to her and she actually had the nerve to retreat until her back was pressed against the wall. Before he could say anything, she shoved the trash bag she’d had in her hands at his chest.
“Back up,” she ordered. “The last time I checked, I’m not one of your little groupies so don’t talk to me like you’re crazy. Not that it matters, but being pregnant with your baby would have been a nightmare and I can’t think of anything worse.”
Grimacing, he told her, “Wow. Thanks for making me feel so good about my place in your life.”
Two days earlier, they had made love in his hotel room. And he’d asked her to spend the night—again. She’d turned him down, left him there. He’d been upset until room service had arrived with dessert. It was then that he’d realized that she’d planned on staying, but something had happened to make her leave. He’d assumed it was a reflex, an urge to run that made her bolt out of his room that night. That small gesture on her part renewed his efforts to win her. But this? Now he was forced to consider that things might never progress between them.
She shook her head. “You know me better than anyone, Red. Even Syd. We’re friends and we’ve always been honest with each other. Why should that change?”
Over the years, their friendship had transcended into something that mattered to him. She’d become one of the most important people in his life.
“The fact is, I don’t want kids,” she added. “I never did. If you’re expecting that to change, then we have a problem. I’m not Syd. I don’t want the picket fence and the two-point-five kids playing in the back yard. That has never been me. I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I sense that this argument is about something other than a hypothetical question about a baby that will never happen.”
Sighing, she grabbed his hand and pulled him toward her sofa. She took a seat, tucking her legs underneath her. Patting the seat next to her, she turned to him once he sat down.
“From the beginning, we’ve always told each other the truth. When we started this, we wanted the same thing—no strings, no expectations, no commitment, no falling in love. Somewhere along the line, this has morphed into something else.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but she placed her hand over it.
“Please, let me finish,” she said. “And don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I enjoy spending time with you. I thought I made that very clear. But my goals, my ambition, my desires haven’t changed. You found out you were a father. That changed you.”
“Of course it did.” How could it not? Finding out that he was someone’s daddy forced him to view life in a new way. “I never thought it would, but it did,” he confessed.
“It should. It really should, Red. Honestly, if it didn’t, I’d be worried,” she said. “Being a parent is life changing.”
“You act like I had a say in that.”
She shrugged. “I know you didn’t, but it’s a reality. Unfortunately, it’s one that will break us,” she added with a sad smile. “I’m starting to come into my own. I’m doing Cali right now. Being a mother isn’t part of that.”
The truth was cold and cut like a knife sometimes. He swallowed hard. “You say you don’t like kids, but I see how excited you are about being a godmother to Syd’s baby.”
“That’s because it’s Syd’s baby, Red. I don’t have to teach the baby anything. More importantly, I don’t have to disappoint the child when I fall short. I’m a mess—too messed up to raise a child.”
“You’d be a good mother,” he said, his voice gruff.
She froze. “Yeah I don’t know about that,” she grumbled, dropping her gaze. “I like living alone. I enjoy time to myself. You tell me all the time that I’m selfish and I don’t like to share. That’s true. What part of that would make me a good mother?”
He focused on the way her thumb absently brushed the lengths of his fingers. Cali was definitely not kid-friendly, which he’d been happy with when they’d first started seeing each other. She was the best of both worlds. Sexy, sassy, and determined. She wasn’t likely to fake a pregnancy to keep him and she damn sure wasn’t the type to give ultimatums that would have him running for the hills.
“I’m perfectly fine with the way I am,” she said, squeezing his hand. “It’s why I always have a back-up plan for protection. I don’t want to take any chances with an unwanted pregnancy. But you? You’d be an awesome father. If that’s what you want, I wish you the best. I’d hope we could remain friends because you’re one of my closest friends. You’re a keeper.”
The unshed tears in her eyes told him she was sincere. Yet, as much as he knew it was right to end things while they were still friends, he couldn’t bring himself to agree to it.
“It would be that easy for you?” He cleared his throat. “You’d be able to let me go have babies with some other woman?”
“I didn’t say it would be easy,” she murmured, slumping forward. “Don’t put words into my mouth. It would be nice to live in this bubble with you, to have you with me when I wanted, to continue what we have going on for the foreseeable future. But I care about you enough to know that this won’t end well if we start with the expectations, the promises that neither one of us can keep.” She wrinkled her brow and bit her lip. “Honestly, it worries me because I think that one day you’ll want more than I can give you.”
I already do. “Are you saying you’re ready to invoke that easy-out clause?”
Cali took a deep breath. “I’d love to tell your ass to get out, but no. It probably would be wise to terminate our agreement, stop seeing each other now, and take a step back. I’m not quite there yet, but if you are, all you need to do is say it. I don’t want to keep you from living the life that you want. You don’t owe me anything. That’s what makes it fair.”
The fact that she’d actually admitted that she wanted to keep seeing him was a step in the right direction. “I guess it would be good to break things off with no pressure, no need to get a restraining order… no stab wounds,” he said, chuckling at the memory of a few less-than-ideal breakups he’d had.
She giggled and his heart seemed to open up a little more. Her smile was one for the record books with her deep dimples, but her laugh was like a song.
“You’re crazy,” she said, nudging his shoulder with hers. She picked up a cough drop that was on the table and popped it into her mouth. “I guess we’ve both had some crazy exes, huh?”
“Tell me about it,” he agreed.
“Is that what you want to do?” she asked, her voice low, uncertain. “Are you ready to end this?”
The only sound in the room was the low hum of her ceiling fan. The logical, sane part of him wanted to end it right then, walk away and wish her luck. But the stupid, insane part wanted to continue the ride, as dangerous as it was. Red wasn’t naïve at all. He was crazy about his Cali. And he wasn’t ready to give her up yet.
He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed her palm softly. “No,” he told her. When she exhaled, he realized she’d been just as invested in his answer as he’d hoped she was. “I’m sorry about starting that fight. I’ve had a rough day. I’m just… going through the motions and you were the easy target. Part of me is wondering if I’ll ever find Corrine.”
Knowing someone had made decisions for him that would affect him forever made him lose sleep. Then to come and see Cali and find out that she wouldn’t tell him if she was pregnant either… His daughter was out there somewhere, with a mother that was as crazy as she was beautiful.
Red ran a finger down Cali’s cheek. He’d been so angry, he’d forgotten the real reason for his visit. Looking at her then—clad in his pajama bottoms and a messed-up ponytail, a balled up piece of tissue stuffed in the pocket of her robe—reminded him. He placed the back of his hand against her forehead, then her neck. She leaned into his hand and he wanted to invite her into his lap so he could hold her.
They’d promised no commitment, and he accepted that. But he’d realized a long time ago that his life was better with her in it. She was right; she’d never changed. Before Corrine, he’d felt theirs was supposed to be a match made in heaven. The perfect merger. Until it wasn’t. He knew that she hadn’t wanted to hurt him. After all, she couldn’t help that he’d turned into a sappy punk.
“Glad your headache is gone,” he said.
She held his hand against her face. “Me too. I still feel a little congested, as usual.” Cali’s migraines always came with sinus-like symptoms and cravings. They hit her often. Most of the time she could work through them, but there were other times where she was no good to anyone. During her worst headaches, she’d retreat to a dark room for hours.
“I like you in my clothes.” He let his gaze wander over her short frame. Even with her puffy, swollen eyes, red nose, and the smell of Vicks VapoRub on her skin, he couldn’t help his body’s natural reaction to her. Seeing her in his pajama pants did something to him. All of his anger seemed to melt away and the urge to take care of her hit him like a bag of bricks.
“I know. I like them, too. That’s why you’ll never get them back,” she teased.
He leaned in closer, their lips almost touching. He could smell the cough drop on her breath. He wanted to kiss her, wanted to feel her lips on his.
She pulled back and sneezed, covering her nose and mouth. “I’m sorry, Red,” she whispered.
“It’s okay,” he said with a frown. He grabbed a bunch of Kleenex off the table and handed some to her. “I probably shouldn’t have tried to kiss you.”
She laughed—a light, airy sound—and he couldn’t help but join her.
She twined her fingers with his. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s me. Like I told you, today was pretty messed up. I heard from the PI. We thought we had a lead, which turned out to be nothing. And now I’m wondering, when should I call this quits?”
“Never,” she said simply. “You never call it quits until you find her. I’m surprised you’re even considering it. That’s not like you. You will fight to the death for what you want. That’s what makes you Red.”
“Come here,” he said, opening his arms and letting her climb into his lap. He brushed his lips against her forehead and she snuggled into him. “I brought you soup from your favorite deli and ginger ale.”
She glanced up at him. “Vernors?”
“With a side of vanilla ice cream,” he added. When she graced him with her beautiful smile, he knew he’d made her day.
“I love Vernors’ floats. You are so good to me.”
“I am pretty good,” he agreed. “You could do a lot worse.”
“Red?”
“Can you take me to bed?” she croaked.
Is this a trick question? He frowned. “You mean, tuck you in bed with a heating pad and an electric blanket? Or take you to bed?”
She brushed her full lips against his neck and tugged at his earlobe with her teeth. “You can tuck me in, but I’d like you under the electric blanket with me.”
Chuckling, he whispered in her ear, “Is this your way of asking me to spend the night?”
She leaned back to meet his gaze. “Hell, no.”
He barked out a laugh and she followed suit.
“Oh, I get it.” He stood up with her in his arms. “You want me to take care of you and then bounce, huh?”
“You know the rules. No sleepovers.”
Red wondered when he’d turned into the guy trying to stay over. Over the last few months, he’d been in the unlikely position of arguing the benefits of spending the night. And Cali had never budged. She was content with their arrangement and stubborn as the day was long, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
After she was finally tucked in with her float in hand, propped up on a mound of pillows, he gazed down at her. As tempted as he was, he couldn’t hop into bed with her.
“You’re leaving?” she asked.
“I have work to do. Besides, I like you, but I don’t like you that much to be getting my ass out of bed and going back into this cold weather in the middle of the night. Good night.” He kissed her forehead. That urge to take care of her reared its head, but it was pointless. She may have let him buy her a float and tuck her in, but she would never let him take care of her fully. And despite the fact that he wasn’t ready to end things with her that night, he knew it would be time soon. “Call me if you need anything.”