Cali waited for Uncle Cal in her car, nibbling on her thumbnail and watching the various people stuffing suitcases in their trunks and giving each other long hugs. She was torn between being ecstatic at the arrival of her beloved uncle and nervous because she didn’t know why he was coming. He hadn’t answered her calls when she’d phoned him numerous times over the past week. He’d only texted back to say he’d be there and they could talk then.
He wasn’t the only one avoiding her, either. Red had been suspiciously absent since she’d paid him a visit at his house a week earlier. He hadn’t called or stopped by to visit. Hoping to force his hand, she’d texted him a scandalous pic of her in her new leopard print boy shorts—and nothing else. His response? “Nice.” One word? Usually, something like that was enough to bring him straight to her door. She’d finally broken down and phoned him, but he gave her some flimsy excuse about work and other obligations. He obviously needed space, so she’d given it to him. Even if space between them was the last thing she wanted.
Meanwhile, she’d spent her days helping Syd get ready for her new arrival. Cali had never seen so many onesies and booties. She’d spent hours washing and folding brand-new baby clothes. Unisex, of course, because her friend had refused to make her life easier and find out the sex of the baby.
To make matters worse, Syd was a Christmas freak. It was her favorite holiday, and this was the first time she was in charge of decorating Morgan’s house. She went crazy with the lights and the little manger scene on the mantel. And they’d finally finished decorating the Christmas tree after countless runs to the store to buy more ornaments and a brand-new tree skirt. Everything had to be perfect.
Cali couldn’t bring herself to get that excited. Although she believed in the reason for the season, she didn’t need all the hoopla surrounding the holiday. Send her to the nearest Christmas Eve service and she was good.
Event planning excited Cali, though, and she’d recently finalized the baby shower. She enjoyed the details, the little things that no one else paid attention to but made the shower that much more memorable. Since Syd was her best friend Cali went all out, complete with the theme “Hot Mama.” Guests would be treated to a festive occasion, with good food and lots of laughter and sexy Syd in her best attire, because there was no way her friend would not be fierce—pregnant and all.
Smiling, she let herself imagine the looks on the guests’ faces as they admired her work. She wasn’t cocky, just confident. She tapped her thumb on the steering wheel and frowned, praying quickly that Syd didn’t go into labor before the shower. She’d tried to convince her stubborn friend to schedule the event before Christmas but Syd had insisted on a January date. They were cutting it close because she was due the first of February.
When she saw her uncle emerge from the airport, she hopped out of the car and ran straight into his arms. As usual, he lifted her small frame into his big arms and squeezed tightly.
“Baby girl,” he said, planting a kiss on her forehead.
She peered up at her strong uncle. When she was a kid, she’d thought he was invincible. He was all hard lines and muscles. She’d known he’d be able to beat up anyone who dared to mess with her. And he did, she thought with a smirk. Her ex could vouch for that.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she breathed, swallowing past a lump that had formed in her throat. He looked good. His wavy ebony hair had streaks of gray, which normally would make her think of an old man. Instead, it made him look distinguished. She studied him as he lifted up his suitcase and placed it in her backseat. He seemed to move a little more slowly than usual. He’d always been quick as a whip, but not this time. He tried to disguise it, but she could hear him wheeze and see the way he paused at times to rest.
An uneasy feeling washed over her, confirming that this was not a random visit. Uncle Cal had something to tell her and it wasn’t going to be good.
Once they were buckled in and on the road, she asked him, “Are you okay, Uncle Cal? You normally don’t visit in the winter.”
He patted her on the knee like he had when she was little. “Well, I figured time with my favorite girl was long overdue. I missed you.”
“I miss you, too. Did you want to go eat?”
“Actually, I was wondering if you could drive me over to see Red,” he said. “I wanted to take care of some business with him. Do you think he has time to see me?”
She rolled her eyes. Red and her uncle had hit it off from the moment they met. Used to her Uncle Cal’s undivided attention, she found their relationship hard to deal with because they talked about everything she hated—politics, basketball, and boxing.
“He should be available,” she said. “I have to call him. Syd’s here. I’m sure she’d love to see you. We can head over there and get something to eat. Maybe Red can stop by and you can talk to him then.”
“Sounds good. I’d love to see Syd. She’s been a good friend to you.”
Nodding, she prodded, “So, are you going to answer my question, Uncle Cal? What brings you here? The truth, please.”
He sighed heavily and she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye before putting her attention back on the road. “We’ll talk later, baby,” he promised. “They’ve certainly built the area up. I was just here summer before last and they didn’t have all those hotels at the airport.”
Born and raised on the west side of Detroit, Cali loved Michigan life. Her uncle had moved her to the suburb of Southfield when he became her legal guardian. He’d grown up on the streets, hustling to make ends meet, but when she came into his life he wanted to change for her. So he signed up to take classes at a local community college and, eventually, went on to a four-year university. From there, he made a name for himself as a chef and was asked to conduct a class on basic cooking skills by one of the churches. He found that he loved teaching and ended up making a good living doing it. She couldn’t be more proud of him. If only her mother had had that same drive.
“Yeah, they are building everywhere,” she agreed. “You should see some of the neighborhoods. I’ve actually been thinking about moving to Ypsilanti or Canton. I like the area and I want to be closer to my friends.”
“Closer to your friends, or closer to Red?”
Am I that obvious? “Don’t start. You know I wouldn’t move anywhere to be closer to a man. That’s what you taught me.” He’d told her to never go anywhere without a knife, to make sure she always had a stash of cash, and always pay herself first. Paying herself first was the reason she’d been able to remain debt free.
Growing up, she had been the only girl in an extended family of boys. They taught her everything they felt she should know about men. Her uncle told her to never be dependent on a man and she held on to that piece of advice.
“Well, everybody needs someone, baby girl,” he said. “You can’t live life alone. If I could do it over, maybe I’d find me a wife and have a few kids. Sure, I did all right. I had you, but it gets lonely in my old age.”
“You’re not old, Uncle Cal. You have plenty of friends and I know you see lots of women.” Her uncle was a player by nature. He always had a woman on the side.
“Actually, I did meet someone that I liked. We had fun together, travelled.”
“Really? That’s… different.”
They’d never had a problem communicating with each other. Uncle Cal had encouraged her to come to him about anything—even sex and boys. She wasn’t a shy person and would often render him speechless with the things she told him, but he never judged her. He always listened and offered advice when she asked for it.
“It didn’t last, though. I like my space.” It was no wonder she’d turned out the way she was. Between a mother who had an array of men in and out of their apartment and an uncle who valued his freedom from commitment above all else, she was doomed to have a messed up view of love and relationships. “We were seeing each other for about six months, maybe seven,” he continued. “But she started getting too clingy, wanted to move in.”
Cali burst out in a fit of giggles and he followed suit. “You never change.”
The car ride descended into silence as she drove toward Ypsilanti. The snow had let up and the roads were clear, so she had no trouble weaving through traffic. Still nervous about the nature of his visit, she decided to just enjoy her time with him. They rarely spent time with each other and she was grateful for the opportunity. “I meant what I said, Cali,” he said finally. “Red… he’s a good guy with a good job and a good head on his shoulders. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
Grumbling, she pushed down on the gas. “I know Red is a good guy, but we’re not like that. We’re friends.” Lies.
“Friends with certain benefits,” he added.
“What? W-what are you talking about?” she stuttered.
“Who do you think you’re fooling?” Uncle Cal asked. “I know you. I raised you. You can’t hide anything from me.”
“I’m not trying to hide anything from you,” she insisted. “But you’re making it more than what it is.”
“I see the way he looks at you.” His voice was soft, tender. “Looks like love to me.”
“Obviously, you don’t know Red like you think you do.”
Of course, Red didn’t love her. Sure, he loved her as a friend, but… No.
“We’ll see,” Uncle Cal said, interrupting her thoughts. “Anyway, just don’t close yourself off. You’ll end up alone with a cat.”
“Whoa, never a cat.” She giggled. Uncle Cal hated cats. And any woman who had one was an automatic no.
He mussed her hair. “Just think about it. By the way, I was thinking I should rent a car.”
“You don’t have to do that,” she said. “I can take you where you need to go. I have some vacation time coming up.”
“I know you can, but I want to take care of some things, see a few friends. I don’t want to drag you along with me all over the place. Besides, I’m sure you have business to take care of.”
“Okay,” she said. The more he talked, she was sure he had something to hide. And she would get to the bottom of it. “I have a friend I can call to take care of a rental for you.”
“Good.” He pulled out his inhaler and puffed the medicine into his mouth. “What’s the plan for Christmas?”
“We’re spending the day with Syd and the crew.” She blew her horn at the slow poke riding in the fast lane. “You know how she is about Christmas.”
He chuckled. “That girl never grew out of that, huh? Do you think she’d mind if I cooked dinner for everyone?”
Of course Syd wouldn’t mind, especially the way she’d been eating. “Unc, she’s pregnant. All you have to say is ‘peach cobbler’ and she’ll give you the world.”
They both shared a laugh at Syd’s expense. She couldn’t wait for him to see her. Uncle Cal and Syd had a weird relationship. He picked with her all the time and she him, but they both secretly enjoyed trading barbs.
“I still can’t believe she’s pregnant with Morgan’s baby,” he said “What happened to Den?”
“Long story. I’ll let her tell you the details.”
“I’m sure she’ll fill me in.” He squeezed her hand. “Cali?”
Swallowing, she answered, “Yes?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she told him. Turning on the radio to his favorite oldies-but-goodies station, her heart seemed to slow as apprehension consumed her. Definitely not good.
* * *
Later on, Cali sat at the kitchen table with Uncle Cal, Red, and Syd. When Red had walked into the room earlier, she let out a sigh of relief. She’d missed him—more than she’d ever thought possible. He hadn’t really paid attention to her, though, and spent most of the evening discussing basketball with her uncle.
Her uncle was firmly on #AnyTeamDetroit, while Red was pissed off that the hometown team had failed to snag the player he felt was most worthy to wear the red and blue uniform. They bickered back and forth on the merits of the team captain while drinking beer and munching on dessert. Uncle Cal had rocked Syd’s world by whipping up a banana pudding, and Red was ecstatic because it just so happened to be his favorite dessert as well.
Cali was bored as hell. Even Syd was too busy, yapping with Morgan on the phone in the other room. Standing, she began clearing dishes from the table. She wished her uncle would put a sock in it so she could talk to Red. After her Uncle Cal’s sudden declaration of love in the car ride over, she’d been a nervous wreck, imagining all sorts of illnesses and dire prognoses.
Uncle Cal’s phone vibrated and he stood. “I’m going to go take this in the other room.”
Finally. Once he was out of earshot, she turned to Red. “What the hell is going on?”
“What are you talking about?” Red asked, frowning.
Uh oh. “You’re a jerk,” she hissed, throwing her hands up in frustration at him. But she couldn’t very well tell him that she’d missed him and wanted him to pay attention to her and not her uncle, so she improvised. “You know I hate basketball talk. You also know what’s going on with my uncle but you’re not telling me.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He shrugged. “Paranoid much?”
Huffing, she crossed her arms and plopped down in the chair next to him.
“I suggest you get that attitude under control,” Red ordered with a smirk.
“I suggest you go to hell.”
“Want a spanking?” he offered.
“Want your ass beat?” she countered, tapping the table with her fingers. “Stop playing with me and tell me what is going on.”
“Cali, I don’t know anything,” he said, raising his voice.
“He told me he needed to talk to you about some business. What is it?”
“I haven’t talked to him about it yet.” Red scooped another spoonful of banana pudding onto his plate. “We’re set to meet up Monday afternoon, if that’s okay with you. Furthermore, once I do meet with him, I’m his lawyer and I’m not telling you shit.”
Cali reeled back in her seat, screaming when the chair fell back too far. Red was quick and grabbed the rolling chair before it toppled over. She jumped up and smoothed her hair back. “Fine. You don’t want to tell me, I’ll figure it out myself.”
“You know I can’t tell you anything your uncle tells me in confidence,” he said. “But I’m sure it’s just routine.”
“There’s something wrong,” she growled between clenched teeth. “He’s not the same. I noticed he has a wheeze that’s not going away even after he uses his inhaler. He’s moving slow. He hardly touched his dinner. He seems weak. And I’m worried.”
Red’s eyes softened and he picked up her hand and squeezed. “I’m sure he’s fine. He’d tell you if something was wrong. You have to know that.”
“Not if he was worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle the news. There’s something wrong,” she repeated. “I need to know.”
“Instead of sitting here worrying, why don’t you just ask him?”
It sounded so simple, but Red didn’t know her uncle like she did. Uncle Cal was a manly man. He wasn’t the type of person who talked about his ailments, especially to her. He only told her what he thought she needed to hear. Nothing more, nothing less. “How about you just let me know what you talk about with him?”
He sighed, shaking his head in exasperation.
Shoving him, she paced the floor, mumbling to herself and cursing Red. Logically, she knew it wasn’t his fault, but she needed him to break the rules this time. For her. Actually, she just needed him. She couldn’t admit it, though.
All week, she’d been forced to really consider a life without Red, since he hadn’t been talking to her. She didn’t like it. When her mind went into numerous scenarios regarding her uncle’s visit, she wished Red was there to calm her nerves. He was her safe place and he made everything better. Instead of telling him that, she always reverted to starting arguments, saying things she shouldn’t, hurling insults, getting mad for stupid reasons.
She whirled around to face him. “Please?” she whimpered, surprised by the desperation in her tone.
Apparently, he was surprised, too, because he stared at her with his mouth wide open. He approached her. Tipping her chin up, he whispered, “I’ll talk to him. But…”
“But what?” Her voice sounded frantic to her own ears.
“If something is wrong, he’ll need you to hold it together. Can you do that?”
“Yes.” She nodded, unsure she’d be able to pull that off but not willing to admit it to him. “Yes, I can. I just want to know. I don’t want to be blindsided by anything. But I know him. Something’s off.”
“Just make—”
Cali jumped when Red’s phone tweeted. He glanced at the screen and flipped it over without responding. A random person, or someone who didn’t know Red and his ticks would have probably missed it. But she hadn’t. She’d noticed the way his mouth hitched up in a small smirk when he read the text. Red didn’t smirk at text messages unless…
A muscle in her jaw twitched. “Who is that?” she demanded.
“A friend,” he said simply.
“Really?” She folded her arms over her chest and glared at him. “I’m talking to you about something important and you’re texting a friend?”
“I didn’t text anyone,” he reminded her.
“What kind of friend? Who was it?” she asked again.
“It was Love.”
She stilled. “Syd’s doctor?” What the hell? Her chest burned as she considered the fact that Red had obviously been texting someone else. And that someone else made him smile. “You exchanged numbers with her?”
“You just said it. She’s Syd’s doctor. She texted me to answer a question,” he said. “Syd called her from my phone and she—Wait a minute, why am I even explaining this to you?” he said. “We’re not talking about this. As I was saying, just make sure you don’t spend too much time worrying before you have something to worry about.”
Glancing up at the ceiling, she willed herself to let this text with Dr. Love go. It really didn’t matter anyway. Her focus should be on Uncle Cal, not on who Red was texting. She squeezed her eyes shut.
“Cali?” Red called softly.
“Do you want her?” she blurted out before she could stop herself. Once the words left her mouth, she wished she could take them back. What if he says yes?
He threw his hands up and groaned. “Cali, stop,” he warned. “Let’s not go there.”
But Cali couldn’t let it go. “I just need to know why you’re talking to her.”
“I don’t have to let you know who I talk to at any time, or why,” he snapped. “You’re not my woman.”
Hurt at his tone and his words, she retreated a step. “That’s true, Red. I’m not your woman. And you’re not my man.”
“Exactly. That’s the way you want it.”
“That’s the way we both wanted it,” she corrected. “Don’t try to put this on me.”
“I’m not even going to argue with you about this. What’s the point?” He stuffed a carryout plate that he’d prepared earlier into a plastic bag.
“I’m not arguing with you. I just asked you a simple question.”
“Why do you always do this?” he asked, his voice low and controlled. “Every time we get to a point where you’re finally letting me in, finally opening up, you find a way to sabotage the moment. What does a text have to do with anything? I didn’t answer it for a reason. I’m here with you. I’m concerned about you. You can’t even receive that. You’re so focused on something that doesn’t even matter. And I can’t do this anymore.”
“What are you saying?” she asked, holding her stomach.
“I’m saying… this isn’t working anymore, Cali.”
Her mouth opened, but she couldn’t speak. She pressed a hand against her throat and swallowed hard.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he said, his gaze fixed on hers. “There’s too much that’s been said and done. I keep asking myself the same question—what the hell are we doing? I want to feel needed, I’m ready to be with someone who wants everything I have to offer. Obviously, we both want different things. Pretending otherwise is only making this more complicated than it needs to be.”
“Is this because of the good doctor?” she croaked. Cali hated feeling the way she did. Jealousy and a tinge of envy were not feelings she was accustomed to.
“Hell no. It’s because of you, Cali.” He let out a heavy sigh. “You can’t let go of control. I don’t want to stay on this ride with you anymore. One minute, you’re here with me. The next, you’re gone. I don’t know Dr. Love like that for this to be about her. But I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t intrigued.”
“That much was obvious,” she mumbled.
“Look, I’m not doing this right now.” He broke eye contact. “You do you, okay. I’m going to do me.”
“You mean, you’re going to do Dr. Love,” she sneered.
His expression hardened. “Maybe I will,” he snapped. “Who knows?”
She flinched as if he’d attempted to smack her. Ouch. No matter how clear the writing was on the wall, she hadn’t expected him to be so blunt with it. It shouldn’t have surprised her, though, because Red was always truthful, even if it hurt.
“What’s going on?” Syd asked, walking into the kitchen, rubbing her stomach. She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. She stretched. “Are you arguing?”
“She’s arguing. I’m leaving.” Red picked up his suit coat and put it on. He placed a kiss on Syd’s forehead. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Wait,” Syd called. “You two have to stop this. I know you think you know what you’re doing, but you don’t. Cali, tell Red how you really feel about him. And Red, say something to Cali.”
“Syd, don’t,” Cali commanded, pissed that her friend would put it out there like that.
“That’s right,” Red growled. “Don’t. There’s nothing to say. Even if I did feel something for her, she’d just stomp all over it. No sense in even going there.”
“You don’t know anything!” Cali shouted.
“Damn it, Cali, what the hell do you want from me?” He took a few swift steps to the other side of the room and back.
“Calm down, Red,” Syd said. “Why are you so upset? What happened?”
“He’s flirting with your doctor,” Cali said. “She’s sending him texts and he’s all smiling. Then he got defensive when I asked him who he was talking to. We were in the middle of an important discussion. That’s all.” Okay, so maybe she’d downplayed it a little. A lot.
The truth was it had hurt her that she was ready to open up to him, about to tell him how she felt about him, when he got the text. It hurt her that it was from another woman. But what could she say? The rules were clear. They were allowed to date other people. It wasn’t supposed to be a love thing. And that text confirmed it.
“Then, he goes on this rampage about how he doesn’t owe me an explanation,” she continued.
“I don’t!” he roared, letting out a string of curses as he continued to pace the kitchen.
“Well, Cali, he doesn’t owe you an explanation,” Syd said. “You’ve been very clear that this thing between you has no strings.”
She had to pick this moment to throw my words back at me. “We’ve been very clear,” Cali said, motioning between herself and Red. “Both of us entered into this willingly.”
“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I’m done,” he said.
Cali scowled at him.
“Stop,” Syd said, slicing a hand through the air. “Look, either make this right or leave each other alone. I’m tired of seeing both of you go through these motions. Obviously, neither one of you is willing to make the first move. So don’t. Let go. And go on about your business. I’d hate for you to not be able to be friends because of this. That’s supposed to come first, right?”
Syd was right. That was the one caveat they’d both insisted on. When things got too complicated, they’d agreed to end it. Preserving their friendship was important to both of them. The sad part? She didn’t know if she could be friends with him. There was too much water under the bridge to go back.
“She’s right,” Red murmured. “Cali, we didn’t want this. This was supposed to be fun, a light thing. Companionship. But we’re friends first. I’m not prepared to lose that. Maybe it’s best that we end this, invoke the easy-out clause and keep it moving.”
Cali’s heart fell in her chest like a heavy paperweight. “Okay,” she whispered. “You’re right. Let’s just… okay.” Unable to find the words, she sucked in a deep breath and wrapped her arms around his waist. When he hugged her back, she closed her eyes and took in his smell one last time.
It was hard as hell, but letting him go was probably for the best, she thought. He deserved a woman who wasn’t as jaded as she was, a woman who’d be able to give him what he wanted; someone who wasn’t scared to love him. How do I let him walk away? She clenched his shirt in her hands, afraid to let go. She choked back a sob as her heart raced. Say something, Cali.
After a few seconds, she pulled back and forced a smile before turning away from him. “I have to check on Uncle Cal.” She walked toward the living room and paused at the door. “Drive safe, Red,” she said, glancing back at him over her shoulder. “I’ll call you? About what we talked about earlier.”
“Sure,” he said, the tick in his jaw visible. “We’ll talk.”
Then she left him—and Syd—in the kitchen. She was such a coward. She wanted to cry. Hell, she needed to cry. But she wouldn’t. After all, this was what she’d wanted. No strings. Right?
When Cali entered the kitchen a short while later, Syd was sitting at the table nursing a cup of hot chocolate.
“Thanks for letting us stay here tonight. I didn’t want to have to drive all the way home. Uncle Cal is in bed watching an old Western.”
“What’s really going on with you?” Syd asked.
“Nothing,” she lied, unable to meet her friend’s questioning gaze.
“I saw what happened,” Syd said. “I mean, you two argue all the time, about stupid stuff, but this was different.”
“Can you believe he’s actually talking to your doctor?” The idea of him talking to the gorgeous doctor still infuriated her. “If you would’ve seen his face—”
“Girlfriend, Red has a right to flirt with anyone he chooses.”
“True. But don’t you think that’s inappropriate?” Cali asked. “She’s your doctor. It’s a conflict of interest. What if something goes…? Forget it. I just don’t understand why he picked her. Isn’t it awkward?” Awkward, only for her. Syd was going to be pregnant for a while longer and Cali would have to see Dr. Love—and Red. Maybe she’d see them together? Visions of Red flirting shamelessly with the doctor in front of her made her sick to her stomach.
“How so? If he sees someone that he finds attractive and they hit it off, why shouldn’t he go for it?”
It was just like Syd to be calm and right. There was no good reason why Red shouldn’t go for it with Dr. Love. For all she knew, the doctor was willing to be in an open, committed relationship with Red. With her luck, Dr. Love probably wanted a bunch of kids and a dog.
“Love is a beautiful woman and very nice,” Syd continued. “I’ve gotten to know her over this pregnancy. She’s on the ball, almost done with her residency. You have to admit that she’s a good catch.”
I don’t have to admit shit. “I don’t know her well enough to say she’s a good catch. But I will say that, from what I’ve seen, she’s a beautiful person. It kind of shines on her like a halo,” she muttered, rolling her eyes.
Syd chuckled and took a sip of her drink. Tracing the rim of her cup with her finger, she sighed. “And she wants the same things Red wants.”
“You knew he was talking to her?” Cali asked, shocked that her friend would keep something like that from her.
“I saw them at the hospital last week,” her friend admitted. “They seem to have a lot in common. Why wouldn’t you want that for him? Unless…”
Cali held up a hand. “Shut up.”
“What?” Syd asked, frowning.
“Shut up. I know what you’re doing. It’s not going to work. If Red wants to be with Dr. Love, then let him be with her.”
“You’re so wrong, Cali,” Syd scolded. “It’s not even funny. You’ve been wrong. I love you, so I have to tell you the truth. You keep him at arm’s length and then when it appears that he may be interested in someone else, you get all crazy. But when he confronts you on it, you retreat. You’d rather him walk away and be with someone else than admit that you want him for more than just a booty call.”
Wow. She read her. “It’s complicated,” she mumbled, not even believing her own sorry explanation. “You should know all about complicated relationships.” Closing her eyes, Cali cursed herself. That was a low blow.
“Ouch. The claws are out, huh?” Good thing Syd didn’t seem too fazed by it. “Yeah, and I recall you calling me out then, too. You told me I needed to make up my mind. I’m returning the favor. Make up your damn mind. Either you want to be with him or you don’t.”
Damn. “I think he just made that decision for me. So this is a moot point right now.”
With her head tilted to the side, Syd asked, “Do you really think he wouldn’t change his tune if you told him you wanted to be with him?”
“I’ll never know,” Cali replied. “Besides, who says I want to be with him? I mean, he’s good in bed and everything—excellent, but… I’m good.” And if I say it enough…
“Stop lying,” her friend said, calling her on her bullshit. “You want him and you’re too damn stubborn to admit it to him.”
Cali didn’t just want Red. She needed him. If she thought she could make it work, she’d be on his doorstep in a minute. When they were together, even in the midst of an argument, everything was all right. Ultimately, though, he was right. They wanted different things. He wanted trust, respect, and forever. She couldn’t trust forever. She couldn’t even trust herself. What if she ended up like her mother? Then Red would wind up a casualty of her emotional health.
“I do.” Cali swallowed past a lump that had formed in her throat. “I do want him. I just… He was right, Syd. We don’t want the same things in life. I really don’t want kids and he loves kids. He wants a family. He dreams about the moment he finds his daughter and can be a father to her—as he should. I can envision a life with him—a home—and see myself happy. At the same time, I see him resenting me a few years down the line because I didn’t give him what he wanted. And I don’t want to apologize for not wanting it.”
“I’m not telling you to apologize for anything.” Syd waited until Cali met her gaze before she said, “I know how you feel about kids. Red knows how you feel and he hung in there. I think there’s a gap in communication. You’re assuming you not wanting kids is a deal breaker for him.”
“Well, he does want kids,” Cali said. “You know that.”
“No, he wants his kid. He has a living daughter that he’s never seen before. He wants to be in her life, but he’s not putting some sort of stipulation on you to have his kids. And you would know that if you actually talked to him. He’s been searching for Corrine for a long time. Do you even ask him how the search is going?”
Syd was right. And Cali felt like an ass. Red had never told her he wanted her to have his kids. He’d never even hinted at it with her. She just assumed he did because he was so adamant about finding his daughter and so angry with her after that baby talk.
“It’s really taking a toll on him, and he wants to be able to share it with you,” Syd continued. “What he wants is a relationship, a commitment. He wants to be able to know that you’re working toward something together, that you respect him enough to tell him if you thought you could be pregnant. He always treats you with respect, even when he’s being an ass. I know that because I know him. But his problem is you don’t return the favor. That’s all he wants. And he doesn’t want to have to get up and go home in the middle of the night.”
“Is that what he told you?”
“Yes. And knowing Red, he probably told you the same thing. You just didn’t hear it.”
Boy, I’m an idiot. “I guess not.”
“I love you, Cali.” Syd hugged her, smoothed a hand over her back. “You are my best friend, my sister from another mother. It hurts to see you like this. I want to see you happy, with Red. Because I know you would be. But you have to deal with your past. Some people run from it, like me. You, on the other hand, wear yours like a badge of dishonor. It’s like you have this need to constantly remind yourself that you’re going to end up like your mother.” Her friend leaned back and looked at her. “From everything you’ve told me, you’re nothing like her. You’re not mentally unstable. You’ve never abused drugs. Cali, you’re beautiful, intelligent, giving, and sweet. Nothing like your mother.”
Cali’s eyes filled with tears. “Well, my mother wasn’t like that, either, until she had me.”
From all accounts, Carmen Harper had been a gifted artist with a great future ahead of her until she’d had Cali. Shortly after, she was diagnosed with post-partum depression and eventually schizophrenia. That’s when everything went downhill. She descended into a vicious cycle of drugs, men, and madness. And although there was only a slight chance Cali would follow in her mother’s footsteps, it was too big a chance to take. She’d never subject another child to that reality.
“It’s not your fault,” Syd said. “Your mom did the things she did and that’s on her. Not you. In the end, you proved her wrong. You have a career, friends who are more like family, and an uncle who’s been a Godsend in your life. He loves you so much.”
“I know,” Cali whispered, her chin quivering. “I’m worried about him. He still hasn’t said why he’s here.”
“Well, I’m praying he’s here just to see you.”
“Me too,” Cali agreed.
Syd pulled Cali into another hug. “Aw, it’s going to be okay.” She gasped and stepped back. “Did you feel the baby kick?” She grabbed one of Cali’s hands and pressed it against her stomach. Cali felt the tiny movement against her palm. “I think he or she likes his Auntie Cali.”
Cali giggled. “That’s a good thing, considering I’m the godmother and I give the best gifts.”
“See? You love kids,” Syd said, squeezing her hand.
“I love other people’s kids,” Cali retorted.
“Oh, I get it.”
“Finally.” Cali grinned when Syd shot her a wary look.
“Well, I’ll be sure to send the little one over periodically to keep you on your toes,” Syd promised. “I think I want more banana pudding.”
“You are so greedy,” Cali told her friend.
“Hey! I’m eating for two.” She dipped a spoon in the bowl.
“Yeah, two. Not three.”
“Oh my God,” Syd shrieked. “You just called me fat.”
Cali barked out a laugh. “No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did. Just for that, I’m not going to tell you about the trip to the jewelry store with Morgan to look at rings.”
“What?” Cali asked, gaping at her friend. “Get out. Ring shopping? And you held out on me? If you weren’t pregnant, I’d kick you in the ass. I need full disclosure.”
“It’s not a big deal.” Syd scooped a mound of banana pudding out of the dish and dropped it on her plate. “We just went to the store so I could show him what type of ring I would want if he proposed, which he hasn’t. We’re not ready for marriage yet.”
“Well, you did pick up and move hundreds of miles away for him.”
“We haven’t even been together for a year.” She licked the spoon in her mouth and groaned happily. “That would be so stupid to just up and get married like that. So, anyway, we went to the store and I was trying on rings. Girl, my fingers are like little miniature logs. They are so fat I couldn’t get any ring on.”
Cali laughed at her friend and thanked God for placing her in her life. She’d never know how much she truly meant to her. But she told her often. Maybe it’s time to tell Red?