I brought you a protein shake,” Cali said, walking into Uncle Cal’s room. The aide had told her he’d barely eaten. “You need to try and drink it.”
“Look at you,” Uncle Cal whispered, his voice thick. “You’re such a beautiful woman. It does my heart good to know that I played a part in that.”
Cali sat down in the chair next to the bed. She picked up his hands, memorizing the feel of them in hers. Something told her this conversation was going to be important and she wanted to make sure she remembered everything about it. Uncle Cal wasn’t a television watcher, so Red had put a stereo in his room instead. Smooth jazz played softly in the background, a song that she remembered listening to as a child riding in the car with her uncle.
Back then, he’d been like a giant to her. Still was. His appearance, though, was drastically different. He used to weigh a solid 225 pounds. Sickness had taken a toll on him, though, and now he was but a shell of the man that used to hold the neighborhood arm wrestling title. She knew how to win a few bucks hustling men in a game of pool because of him. She could change a tire without breaking a sweat because he’d taught her. Multiplication and division were a breeze to her in school because he’d made sure she practiced every day. She’d spent hours with him in the kitchen, taking in everything he knew about cooking and baking.
And as he lay there—struggling to breathe, his heart and every other organ failing him—she felt an overwhelming sadness. At times she thought it would suffocate her, but she managed to stay afloat.
“I wanted to talk to you about Carmen,” he said.
The mention of her mother’s name got her attention and she gripped the arms of the chair. “What about her?”
“There’s a lot you don’t know.”
“I know enough. Please, Uncle Cal, let’s not talk about her.”
“Cali, listen to me,” he told her in that voice that he reserved only for moments when she had been in trouble as a teenager.
“Is this really necessary? I’m not stupid, you know. I can see that you’re not getting better. I don’t want to waste any conversations on that woman.”
“Your mother isn’t dead.”
Cali reeled back as if he’d slapped her. “What?” she gasped.
“Carmen is still alive.”
Clutching her stomach, Cali tried to make sense of what he was telling her. If her mother was still alive, where was she? Why hadn’t she come for her? Cali stood up, tipping the chair back.
“How do you… Why…?” she stuttered, choking out the words. “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought she was dead. She never came back.”
It didn’t make sense. Uncle Cal knew she thought her mother was dead. He’d never corrected that assumption. He didn’t…
“You have to understand, baby girl. When I came to get you in that hotel room, you were crying, scared. My heart broke for you. It took years for you to stop having nightmares about that time. I couldn’t tell you she was alive. You were doing well thinking she was dead.”
“Oh my God,” she said as she struggled to recall specific details, grasping at fragments of memories long buried. He never did say she was dead. Cali gagged. She wanted to throw up. “That means she really didn’t want me?” She didn’t recognize her own voice. It was like she was that same scared, defeated little girl in the closet—alone.
She hadn’t realized she was crying until he wiped her cheeks with a tissue.
“Baby, she did want you. She was just sick.”
Cali held up a hand and backed away. “How could you do this?”
His eyes flooded with tears. “I wanted to protect you. That was my number one priority.”
“Where is she?”
He shut his eyes. “She’s not any better than she was all those years ago. Then, she was injured pretty badly. They thought she wouldn’t survive, but the doctors were able to save her. She’s had several strokes since then and she can’t take care of herself. I’ve been taking care of her. She doesn’t even talk anymore.”
“You’ve been taking care of her!” she shouted. “This whole time… you let me believe she was dead and she’s been alive?”
“I’m sorry, baby. Please… forgive me,” he pleaded. “I did what I thought was best at the time.”
“At the time?” She clenched her hands closed and her nails bit into her palms. “Were you ever going to tell me?”
“Honestly, no,” he admitted softly. “I didn’t think there was a reason to tell you.”
“My mother is alive and you didn’t feel like I had a right to know?” she blared. Anger, blinding and hot, seemed to coat her insides. “How could you do this to me?”
“I love you, Cali. I had to protect you the best way I know how.”
“And what about her? She just let you take care of me and never asked to see me? Never once demanded to see her own child?”
He let out a tortured breath. “Only once. But she wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I couldn’t trust her with you. So I turned her away.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, adjusting his oxygen tubing. “When she got hurt, I wanted to take you to see her. She didn’t want to see you, Cali. How was I supposed to tell you that?”
“I deserved to know. No wonder I’m so fucked up. I always knew my mother sucked. She was a selfish woman, only concerned with her drugs and her men.”
“You know that’s not completely true. Your mother had—”
“I know. No need to tell me again. She was a paranoid schizophrenic. As if that makes it all better. No matter how many times she let me down, I still loved her, even though she thought of me as nothing more than an inconvenience for her. But then she took me on that trip, told me we’d make a new start… I still remember the exact moment she changed. The way she glared at me, how she yelled at me. She told me I was nothing, that I was a horrible child. I had to live with the idea that she hated being my mother so much she was willing to leave me in a hotel room to starve to death. I have dreams, nightmares, about being in that hotel room…” She swallowed past a hard lump that had formed in her throat. “It was cold and dark and I was all alone. As strange as this sounds, I was okay thinking she was dead. I mean, she didn’t want me anyway, right? And she would never hurt me again.”
“Cali, please. I’m so sorry. Every tear you shed, every scream in the middle of the night… I was there. I didn’t want to hurt you any more than you were already hurting. I felt like I was doing the right thing. Then, when time passed, and you seemed to be doing okay, I figured…” He shrugged. “It was better that you never know.”
“So why tell me now?”
“I’m going to die, Cali. Initially I wasn’t going to tell you, but it was only right to tell you.”
“What am I supposed to do with that? I know you don’t expect me to take care of her.”
“I’m not asking you to take care of her.”
“So I’m assuming you’ve made arrangements to continue her care?”
“I did.”
Her eyes widened as realization dawned on her. “Red knows, doesn’t he?”
Uncle Cal sighed, his eyes tired. “I told him, yes, so that he could set up a trust.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. Cali felt like someone had plunged a dagger in her heart. Uncle Cal had always told her he had her back. And he’d lied to her for years. Red had promised he wasn’t like the other people in her life that had disappointed her, but he was. Both men that she loved had betrayed her, by keeping something so vital to her life from her. But she should have known it wouldn’t last. “How long has he known?”
“I only told him when I got here. Don’t be mad at him, Cali. He wanted me to tell you the truth from the beginning.”
“That’s what you were arguing about that day in his office.” And Red had lied to her, to her face.
“Yes. Baby girl, don’t do this… your life is still good. Carmen being alive doesn’t have to change that.”
“It does, though. And there’s nothing you can do to change that now.”
Letting out a whimper, she stomped out of the room, grabbing her coat and purse on her way to the front door. She muttered tearfully to herself as she darted through the house. Red was waiting near the front door. She couldn’t look him. Everything was wrong. She had to get out of there.
“Cali, wait,” Red called to her, grabbing her wrist as she tried to rush past him. “Don’t walk out of here like this.”
Stopping in her tracks, she snatched her arm from him and whirled around. “How could you not tell me?” she demanded, her finger in his face.
“I couldn’t tell you, Cali,” he insisted, his voice thick. “Your uncle is my client.”
“I asked you.” Her eyes narrowed on him. “I flat out asked you if you knew something that I didn’t. You lied to me.”
“I had no choice.” He threw his hands up in the air. “You know that. This is my job. I can’t go around telling my clients’ business.” He stepped closer to her, reached out to touch her, but then pulled back. “Cali, your uncle did what he thought was best for you at the time. It was a complicated situation, too complicated for a ten-year-old little girl.”
Cali pursed her lips, hell-bent on keeping it together. Damn it, don’t cry.
Red pulled her into his arms, held her tight. “He’s not perfect,” Red continued. “He’s made mistakes, but he loves you. Don’t walk out like this. He needs to know that you are okay.”
Her head was pounding. She didn’t know what to do. Her life was a lie. How could she trust him again? Drawing in a slow, steady breath, she dropped her head on Red’s chest. As angry as she was with Uncle Cal, she didn’t want to leave him. And Red… it hurt her that he didn’t tell her. Logically, she knew why he’d kept quiet. It was his job. But didn’t she mean more to him than his job?
“I’m so angry with him,” she growled, pulling away from him. “How could he keep this away from me? And I’m furious with you for lying to me, for not telling when you promised you’d always be honest.”
“Ask yourself why knowing about it would have made it better?” he asked her, his gaze fixed on hers. “Bottom line is your mother was everything you ever thought she was. That hasn’t changed. She left you alone in that hotel room like you remember. How does knowing she’s alive change that?”
“I deserved to know the truth—from both of you, but mostly from him.”
“Of course you did,” he agreed. “There’s no doubt about it. Now you know the truth. Put that in the place in your mind reserved for your mother and keep it moving.”
“I hate you right now,” she snapped.
His shoulders dropped as he lowered his gaze. “You can hate me all night if you want to, but go back in there and talk to your uncle. If you don’t, you’ll regret it. I promise you that.” He took her coat and her purse and dropped it on the chair next to the front door. “Pull up those big girl panties, like Syd says, and go talk to him.”
He was right. If she left and something happened to Uncle Cal, she wouldn’t survive it. She sniffed. “Okay,” was all she could say at that point.
“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked.
She nibbled on her thumb and shook her head. Taking a deep breath, she walked back to Uncle Cal’s room.
“Uncle Cal?” she called softly.
He turned to her. “You came back.”
As she neared the bed, she noticed the tears standing in his eyes. Deciding he needed more than her words right then, she hugged him. When his arms came up around her, she closed her eyes. They were like that for an eternity it seemed, her holding on to him for dear life and him whispering how sorry he was and how much he loved her.
That moment between them was everything. Despite what had happened, he was her only true parent and she loved him so much.
“Uncle Cal?” she said, finally pulling away. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. “I know you did what you had to do, in everything. There is no man like you and there never will be.”
He closed his eyes, a smile spreading across his face. “I’m so happy to hear you say that,” he told her, his voice low and gravelly.
It was true. He’d taken care of her when she needed him and never complained. “You’re my father in every way that matters. I love you, Daddy,” she told him, as tears streaked down her face.
Uncle Cal cried then, a gut-wrenching sob pulled from deep inside. Red was right. As hurt as she was, she couldn’t let a night pass without telling her uncle—her father—that he was still her hero, that she loved him more than he probably would ever know.
* * *
Cali woke up feeling hungover. She’d stayed up with Uncle Cal for hours talking about old times and laughing. He’d laughed so hard it made everything they’d gone through worth it. It had been ages since she’d heard him laugh like that. It did her heart good.
Red had joined them for a little bit, taking in all the stories of Cali as a teenager. She was still mad at Red, although she knew it was irrational. By law, Red couldn’t have told her what Uncle Cal had told him in confidence. But the fact that he’d kept that from her added to her still-present fears of being in a relationship with him. Her first reaction was to run for the hills, but she’d decided that Uncle Cal came first. She needed to make whatever time he had left comfortable and peaceful.
Uncle Cal seemed to perk up, eating half of a sandwich and drinking an ice-cold Pepsi, his favorite. It was amazing.
She slid out of the bed and padded to the bathroom. The house was quiet, which was perfect. Red and Corrine had an appointment with the caseworker in Berrien County, so she didn’t expect him for a while. Her plan was to spend some time with Uncle Cal and then take care of some business. The doorbell chimed and she frowned. Who the hell was ringing the doorbell so early in the morning? Lucky for whoever was on the other side, Corrine wasn’t there to be awakened by the loud bell.
Pulling open the door, she grumbled, “I hope—” Her rant died on her lips at the sight of Allina. “Allina? What are you doing here this early? Is everything okay?”
“Sure.” Her friend twisted the strap of her purse. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Come on in. I just got up, so there’s no coffee yet and I can’t be held responsible for my attitude. Do you want some hot tea?” Cali knew Allina didn’t drink coffee, and she wished she could say the same. But it was her liquid drug and she couldn’t function without a cup.
“Okay,” Allina said. “I could use some tea. It’s cold out there. Where’s Red?”
“He and Corrine got up early and went to Benton Harbor. He’s trying to finalize custody.”
Allina followed her into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast bar while Cali threw a K-cup into the Keurig. If she could do a commercial for that machine, she would. It took the hassle out of making coffee.
“What’s going on?” Cali asked after both were situated with their full mugs.
“I just dropped by to check on you. Syd told me that Uncle Cal wasn’t doing too well. How is he?”
Cali blew on the coffee, then took a sip. “He’s… hanging in there.”
Allina’s warm brown eyes met hers. “I just want you to know that I’m here for you. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to watch my parents go through this. But I’m here for you, whatever you need. I can come sit with you, cook dinner for you all… anything.”
Her friend was a sweetie. And she was glad she was there. She’d missed her. “I appreciate you. How are you? Are you happy?”
“I’m happy. I’m engaged to be married to a wonderful man. I’m closer to my parents. I’m good.”
“I know that, but…” Cali picked up her ringless left hand. “You don’t look happy. Most women would be shouting it from the rooftops, but you… You’ve barely said a word about him or the wedding.”
Allina dropped her gaze. “There’s a lot going on so I haven’t had a chance to plan anything. We do know that we want to be married in his parents’ church in Cleveland, probably sometime next year.”
“Well, that’s a start. As long as you’re okay.” Cali glanced at the microwave clock. “I need to go check on Uncle Cal and give him his medicine. I’ll be right back.”
Cali left Allina in the kitchen and walked into the Uncle Cal’s bedroom, immediately opening the blinds because Uncle Cal preferred natural light in the mornings. She grabbed his medicine dispenser off the dresser. “Uncle Cal?” she called. “Wake up. You have to take your meds.” She opened up the daily journal on the dresser and jotted down the date and time and what she planned to give him. The doctors had stressed keeping a log of what he ate every day and what medicine he took.
“Uncle Cal?” She turned around and immediately dropped the pills she was holding onto the floor. Her heart dropped and she rushed over to him. She shook him, called to him. Oh God, no. But he was too still. “Uncle Cal?” she cried. She touched his forehead and a shiver went through her body. Please.
She threw herself on him, rested her head over his heart. “No!” she screamed. “Don’t leave me. Please. Don’t go,” she sobbed. “Please, I need you.”
But he was already gone. Her Uncle Cal was dead.