Uncle Cal hadn’t wanted a funeral. He thought they were too depressing. There would be no trips to the cemetery either. Cremation was his choice. Cali watched as the casket went through the fire, Red at one side and Syd on the other. She was all cried out. Even if she wanted to shed a tear, she didn’t think it was possible. Over the past month, she’d been an emotional wreck, crying more than she had when she was a child. The well had dried up.
After the cremation, they gathered at Morgan and Syd’s house. It wasn’t a huge gathering, just a few of Uncle Cal’s close friends and her family. She smiled as her eyes connected with those of each member of her “family.” Syd had carted Brynn around in that baby carrier for days, running errands with her to get ready for everything. Cali wondered if her arm would fall off, but she never complained. Morgan managed everything else, with Kent’s help. They hired cleaners to thoroughly clean out the room Uncle Cal had lived in and even hired painters to come in and give the room a fresh coat. When Red had to go back to Berrien County, Kent stayed on the couch. Allina took care of Cali’s business, rescheduling appointments and handling small tasks. Cali couldn’t deny she felt blessed.
Not only was her uncle dead, but now she had to decide whether to deal with her mother. A mother who’d been dead to her for many years. A mother who it seemed couldn’t care for herself. Cali was faced with a dilemma. Could she take care of a woman who’d never bothered to take care of her?
Corrine ran up to her and flung her arms around her neck. “Cali!”
She hugged the little girl. Before Corrine, Cali had never considered the blessing that a child would be. She enjoyed getting to know her and it scared her. She hadn’t changed her mind, she didn’t want kids, but how could she deny a child love? No matter what Cali wanted, Corrine needed a mother figure in her life. She needed someone that she could count on, a woman. Could Cali be that woman for her? She didn’t think so. She was still too messed up to even consider stepping in, not that Red had asked her. He’d never made her feel like she had to be a stand-in mother to Corrine.
As Corrine rambled on about the new doll Auntie Sydney had bought her, Cali realized that she needed time. She’d never really had time to process anything that had happened to her in her life. It was high time that she took the time needed to get herself together.
“Cali?” Corrine asked, a small frown on her doll face.
“Yes, sweetie.”
“I’m sorry Uncle Cal died. He was nice to me. He gave me all of his crackers and his juice.”
“He gave me all of his crackers and juice, too,” she told Corrine.
Cali gently ran a hand over Corrine’s hair. That little girl needed stability in her life. She deserved the best in life. Cali just couldn’t be sure she was it. The more she watched Corrine, the more she fell in love with her. But now that Uncle Cal was gone, she couldn’t stop thinking about her own mother, and how she’d fallen short.
“You look sad.”
“I am sad. But I’ll be okay.”
“Do you want me to bring you a juice box?”
Chuckling, Cali shook her head, wiping an errant tear from her cheek. “I’m okay. I have a nice big bottle of water with me.”
Without warning, Corrine threw her tiny arms around Cali’s neck and gave her a little peck on her cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Cali said, rubbing her little button nose with her own.
Corrine jumped off her lap and took off toward Syd and baby Brynn.
A few hours later, Cali stood in Uncle Cal’s bedroom. The huge, clunky hospital bed was gone, replaced by the full-sized mattress that used to be in there. She ran her fingers over the oak dresser and picked up the journal that was on top of it. She flipped through the pages, noting her messy scribbles with medicines and times. Also in there were notes that Uncle Cal had written to her: simple instructions on which bills to pay, what he wanted from the store… why she shouldn’t yell at Red in the middle of the night. Chuckling, she turned to the last page and gasped. Right there, in his impeccable handwriting, it read, “Everything I’ve ever done was for your protection. I can’t stand to see you hurt. Take care of yourself. Don’t kill Red. I love you more than the stars in the sky.”
As tears filled her eyes again, she dropped to her knees and hugged the journal to her chest.
* * *
Red found her in the same spot an hour later. He nudged her gently, hating to disturb her sleep. She’d tossed and turned every night since Uncle Cal died. Last night, he’d found her sprawled out on the floor in the family room, her eyes wide open. She hadn’t acknowledged his presence but when he got down on the floor with her she rolled over into his waiting arms. Eventually she fell asleep.
He could feel her pulling away, retreating into herself. He was worried. And he wasn’t the only one. Syd called multiple times a day, asking for updates. Allina made up excuses to drop by, just to “look at her.” Even Morgan was calling to check in. He’d claim he was calling for Syd, but Red knew the real reason.
Cali’s eyes opened, then closed again. “What time is it?” she grumbled.
“It’s six o’clock. Do you want to eat dinner or something?”
She lay flat on her back. “I don’t know.”
“You have to eat something. You didn’t eat much at the…” He didn’t want to keep hounding her but he needed to make sure she was taken care of. Her eyes, normally big and expressive, seemed small and dead. If he could take her pain away he would, but he knew it was a process. A long one.
“I’ll eat. I need to pack.”
“What? Where are you going?”
“I can’t stay here forever, Red. Now that…” She swallowed and threaded a hand through her hair. “There’s no need for me to stay anymore.”
She tugged her shirt down and picked up a box that contained Uncle Cal’s things. Something about this didn’t feel right. “Where are you going, Cali?” he repeated.
“I need to leave. I bought a plane ticket. I have to go to Georgia. Uncle Cal’s house needs to be packed up, I need to notify people. I—I have to leave.”
She carried the box toward the living room and dropped a few more items into it. As she moved around the room, his mind raced back to something she’d said. There’s no need for me to stay anymore.
Cali scanned a piece of paper and went to stuff it in her purse. He took it from her hand when he recognized the logo. He scanned the itinerary. Balling the paper up in his fist, he peered up at her. “This is a one-way ticket,” he said.
Her shoulders slumped and she lowered her gaze, shifting nervously.
“Cali, this is a one-way ticket.”
“Yes,” she whispered, so softly he wasn’t sure she’d said anything.
“What does this mean?” He tried to hold on to his temper. She was already in a fragile state and he didn’t want to make it worse. But damn it… he needed to understand what it meant.
“I told you… I have to go to Georgia.”
“I understand that, but usually when a person is visiting somewhere, they purchase a round-trip ticket.”
“I’m not… I don’t know when I’ll be back—if ever.”
* * *
Cali and Red stood there, staring at each other. She hated to hurt him. He didn’t deserve it. But she had to go.
“Don’t do this,” he pleaded, a deep frown on his face. “Cali, don’t do this. Why would you say that? You can’t just leave.”
“Red, I have to.” She finally lifted sorrowful eyes to his. “I can’t stay here. This isn’t working for me, Red. I don’t have it in me to give anything. I need to concentrate on me.”
“What about us?”
“There is no us. I don’t want it anymore.”
“There will always be an us,” he said, his tone heated. “Death doesn’t change that. Leaving won’t either.”
“I think we’re fooling ourselves. I could stay here, and live this life with you and Corrine, but I’d just be going through the motions. And you deserve better than that, better than me. Corrine deserves better than me.” Her life was messed up. Everything she’d gone through had shaped her into the person she was. Corrine already had a rough road ahead of her and Cali would only make it worse. She couldn’t stay there pretending to be part of a happy family when she didn’t even feel like a whole person.
She hated her mother, more today than yesterday. When she wasn’t hating her, she felt as if she was going to buckle from all the pain, the despair. It was so strong she thought it would destroy her. And she didn’t want to bring him—or Corrine—down with her.
A tear fell onto her cheek and she wiped it off. She knew Red wouldn’t let her go so easily, so she’d have to hurt him to get him to let go.
“I know what this is about, Cali. Fight, damn it!” He grabbed her arms and pulled her closer. “Fight for your life. Fight for me. Don’t do this.”
“There was nothing to fight for,” she said, cringing at the pained expression on his face.
Cali had to face the fact that she could end up like her mother. Where would that leave Corrine? Where would that leave Red? She’d been thinking about it more and more, especially after she’d found out her mother was alive. She’d heard all those stories about how her mother had been a funny, happy child. Smart as a whip, a social butterfly. Then something had changed and she’d turned into a nightmare. Red once told her that she was nothing like her mother. She couldn’t be sure. Everything I am today is a direct result of what she did to me.
“That’s bullshit,” he argued. “There is so much to fight for. You’re not your mother. I know that’s what this is about. And you’re not her. Your mother doesn’t get the credit for the woman you turned out to be. Uncle Cal made sure of that when he brought you into his home and raised you as his daughter. You’ve worked hard, you fought hard, you made the rules and everyone followed them, including me. You could have let what happened to you break you, but you used it as a stepping stool. Every time you took a step, you stepped on your mother for every bad thing she told you.” He sighed heavily. “You’re scared, and lost. I understand that. Uncle Cal was… he was a good father to you. He took care of you. Why won’t you let me do the same? Why won’t you let me be there to catch you when you fall?”
“Because it’s not just me, Red. You have Corrine to think about. You’re a father. You have to devote every bit of time that you have to make sure that Corrine doesn’t buckle under her pressures. Corrine needs a mother figure. And that’s not me. I told you…” she swallowed. Why couldn’t he just let her go? She hated herself for what she was about to say. “I don’t want to be a mother.” Her head fell onto his chest and she clutched his shirt, letting out a low sob. “I have to go.”
“Don’t,” Red murmured, holding her face in his hands. “I love you, Cali. Don’t walk out on me.”
Before she could pull away, he pressed his mouth to hers. She wanted to give in to him, feel his love, but she resisted. Until she couldn’t anymore. She opened her mouth to him and fell into the kiss. She kissed him like her life depended on it, like her soul needed his mouth against hers for its survival.
Her heart tightened in her chest, and she pulled back reluctantly. “Bye, Red.” She picked up her purse and set it inside the box. Turning on her heel, she swung the door open. “I love you,” she cried, her back facing him. Then she left.